If he acknowledged any of their stares, I didn’t see it, and no one acted as if they were encouraged but looked away instead, frowning or sighing. While I knew that I wasn’t the focus of their attention, I still huddled close to myself, holding my bag against the front of my body and my shoulders hunched forward.
After drawing so much interest before I learned the hard way that it wasn’t going to help me but quite the opposite, I had grown to appreciate the distance I had created between myself and others, a distance that both comforted and isolated me.
“Uh, okay, I guess,” I fumbled through my words in mimicry of my hand’s efforts to rummage through the items in my bag. He hadn’t asked what I was looking for or why, and as he stepped up beside me and flipped the top of the bag open, he slid his hand in and within seconds, transferred the tiny white bottle into mine. The flap on the bag dropped down and he moved away, but only the smallest amount necessary so as not to touch me.
I curled my hand tightly around the bottle and glanced around. A restroom was just around the corner, and I could swallow these with a mouthful of cold water, splashing some water on my face as well in case that might help derail the headache’s progress.
“Thanks.”
Offering Declan that single word of appreciation brought out a smile in his serious face, which had been mostly expressionless all morning, as if he was thinking very hard about something. I tilted my head towards the restroom, which was an obvious gouge in the wall with no doors, but before I could say another word, someone appeared between us, and all I saw was the back of a curly, chestnut-haired head, one I knew all too well.
“Hey there. I heard there was a new boy but you’re not a boy at all, are you?”
Melissa Farber and I had been friends once, back in elementary school, but once while we were jumping rope together with several other girls, she hugged me, and I ended up writhing on the concrete playground, screaming as I saw an older Melissa struggling in a crunched up car as flames engulfed her.
“You’re more of a man than anyone else in this building. I am totally including the teachers when I say that,” she giggled, leaning closer to Declan, who raised an eyebrow.
She flipped her hair off her shoulder and I took a deep breath, both as an effort to hold my headache back from going off the charts before I could get these meds in me, and to keep my mind from replaying those memories, of the terror in Melissa’s eyes as the smoke around her stung them and she began to choke.
Declan looked around Melissa’s head at me and frowned.
“Go ahead, I’ll wait here. Let me know if you need anything.”
Melissa turned her head to follow his gaze and her lip curled. Seriously, I thought, like she hadn’t noticed me when she approached him in the first place?
“Are you talking to this freak? She is the last person here you want to waste your time on.”
Her interest in me faded immediately, and she reached out to place her hand on Declan’s arm. Before I could turn away, sure that her charms would work on him just like every other boy she had run through over the past few years, he moved away from her just enough to elude her contact.
“Excuse me.”
Leaving Melissa, who watched him walk around her to get to me, he nodded at me and moved closer to the wall. Melissa’s hands clenched into fists as she watched, her glare encompassing us both before she stomped off into the crowd. A few kids had witnessed the exchange and were whispering together, laughing and pointing at us, but I was used to that.
“You need to stop that headache from getting worse.”
Declan’s voice was encouraging, and without a second thought, I shuffled into the restroom and stepped up to one of the sinks. A chipped, grubby mirror took up the length of the wall above the sink area, with decades of scratches and nail polish comments and insults painted over it, some faded beyond readability.
As always, I looked pale and tired. Worn out from doing absolutely nothing, affected adversely by everything in the most passive way possible. Why did I have to deal with this, I wondered for the millionth time, pouting at my bland reflection.
Other girls got to wear makeup, go on dates, have summer jobs, play sports or explore hobbies. Me, I was allergic to any and all makeup or lotion, couldn’t physically touch anyone, hardly had enough energy to get through a school day, and couldn’t hit a volleyball or run around the school track to save my life.
The bottle in my hand began to feel heavy, reminding me that I was in there to get water to wash down my meds, not feel sorry for myself. I pushed down on the childproof cap and twisted, then with cap in hand tipped three pills into my hand, knowing that two wouldn’t cut through the pain as it was now and four was asking for trouble.
I shoved the pills into my mouth and bent over the sink, cupping my hand under the faucet as I pushed the silver knob that sprayed water sideways as well as down. Before I could get a handful of it up to my mouth, I nearly choked on the chalky pills when I realized that Declan knew about my headache.
What the heck? I hadn’t said a word to him about it, or had I?
Slurping at the water in my hand to wash down the mash of dust on my tongue, I ran through the short time that we had been together after our last class. We hadn’t even spoken until he offered to help me when I was trying to get my pill bottle from my bag, and I didn’t say what I needed or why.
I wiped my wet hand against my jeans, avoiding the clunky wall dryer, and started to walk out of the restroom, then stopped myself to do a quick recap so I could make sure that I wasn’t losing my mind.
First, he knew my name. Then, he knew which class I was going to after homeroom. Now, he knew that I had a headache, one that needed medication. Nothing in my memory brought him to mind, as if he was someone I had met at one point but had forgotten, someone who would have become close enough to me to know about my physical ailments, at the very least.
How could I ever forget those piercing eyes?
When he avoided touching me, practically apologizing for not offering me his arm, he knew, somehow, that I wouldn’t have wanted to have physical contact with him. That wasn’t all.
He promised that it would end. Whatever it was, he knew more about me than anyone else, and I had to decide whether to roll with it or just go ahead and freak out, giving my parents another excuse to keep me home and enrolled in an online school for my final year.
Chapter Six
I didn’t have too much time to really consider my options, as limited as they were, because the vice principal was hassling Declan when I finally wandered back out into the hall, not in a hurry as I should have been. There wasn’t exactly a punishment for being late for lunch, but hanging out in the halls when you were supposed to actually be somewhere was a violation of one policy or another.
“You’re not starting off on the right foot, son,” Mr. Catan had his hands on his hips, emphasizing the fact that his pants were too tight, as was his belt, which wasn’t even visible underneath his bulging belly. His attempt to project authority was, as always, a total failure.
Forcing a smile that probably looked like someone was pinching me, I sidled up to Declan, coming as close as I dared without actually making contact with his body.
“Hi, Mr. C. I guess you’ve met Declan.”
The vice principal’s eyes grew wide. I didn’t think that I had ever spoken directly to him, and while he knew who I was because of all the doctors’ paperwork and restrictions I was on, we had never interacted.
I turned my focus to Declan, briefly disconcerted at finding him already staring at me.
“Thanks for waiting for me. I can show you where the cafeteria is now so we can have lunch. Bye, Mr. Catan. Have a good day.”
As I turned away, walking between the two of them and hoping that Declan would follow me, I saw figures far down the hallway, leaning out of the cafeteria. My eyesight wasn’t all that great for distances, but I was sure that whoever they were, they were watching us.
Not t
hat I cared, after being alternately harassed and ignored for so many years by every single person except Corrie.
They were probably keeping an eye on Declan, though, and who was I to blame them?
I didn’t hear any voices behind me, but a few moments later, Declan was beside me, only a step off from being completely even with my stride. Why did he keep those few inches separating us?
“That was smooth work back there. I appreciate not finding myself in detention on my first day here, so thank you.”
I stumbled a little, most likely over absolutely nothing but his words. The tone of his voice was so soothing to me, and I wondered if he would grow tired of following me around and open himself up to cooler people, more interesting ones, including girls who would certainly show him a more exciting time than I ever could.
After only a few hours of Declan’s presence so close to me, the idea made sadder than it should have.
“No problem. Anyone who thinks that waiting for me to eat meds is a good way to spend their time is on my good side,” I countered, offering him a small smile as I glanced at him sideways. He was watching me, as he had all morning, and the creepy factor hadn’t quite worn off yet.
“Hey,” I continued, hoping to take advantage of the last few moments we would be alone before entering the cafeteria and the social horror it entailed. “You’ve said a few things that I don’t quite understand, so . . .”
Unsure how to continue, I trailed off, leaving my questions unspoken. Surely he knew that he was being mysterious, and not in a sexy new boy at school sort of way. Everyone else saw him as just that . . . fresh meat, and totally delicious at that.
As much as I had become used to the bullying I had to deal with, I was entering a new level of punishment for being different and still inviting the interest of the most desirable boy in school, punishments that would surely be motivated to begin with Declan’s refusal to give Melissa any of his time or attention.
For the first time, someone was jealous of me.
“Not here. There’s so much to tell you, and so little time,” his voice faded at those last three words, and I turned my head, frowning. His intense gaze was almost fearful, full of concern and something else I couldn’t quite understand.
Not for the first time that morning, I wondered if I was sick, at home in bed in a dark dream of hallucination, because this was just too bizarre.
I shrugged, resigned to however this played out. If it was all in my head, then there was nothing to fear. Eventually I would wake to the reality of my boring, overprotected life and that would be the end of it. But if it wasn’t my imagination, the questions I had were now tripled at the very least.
What could Declan, an absolute stranger, have to tell me that he couldn’t say at school, and why wouldn’t he have time to tell me? He had only just arrived, but was he planning on leaving soon?
“Hope! Over here!”
As I turned to step into the cafeteria, I noticed several girls huddled together against the wall just inside the doorway, my eyes turning towards their movement as Corrie called out to me from across the wide space. The girls beside me were watching me, and then Declan, their eyes narrowed and mouths moving as they spoke together.
Probably wondering why he was following me around when they were so available to accept his attention.
“Corrie and I usually sit together, sometimes with some other kids if there isn’t any room at another table or if they have band practice with her,” I explained to Declan as if we just hadn’t had an inexplicable exchange in the hallway.
He was silent, but I was getting used to that. I knew that he had asked that we have time alone together to speak to me, but I couldn’t ditch Corrie without giving her some kind of explanation.
“You would not believe how many detentions Hassler gave out in third period! I mean, it’s the first day, can’t he just get over himself and cut us all some slack?”
Corrie’s complaints washed over me, and I merely nodded in response as I pulled out a chair and sat down close to the edge of it, knowing that I’d be getting right back up to get in line momentarily. Declan stood behind me, and I looked down at his feet, as if I found his fashionable Converses fascinating.
When I raised my gaze, I noticed that most of the kids were watching, some covertly, looking from behind someone else or with their heads tilted sideways as if they were actually looking in another direction, and others blatantly staring.
“You buying, too? It’s not bad, at least there’s a decent salad bar,” Corrie continued, turning her own attention casually to Declan.
“A salad bar,” he repeated carefully, as if he wasn’t sure what the words meant, and then he laughed. Everyone within hearing distance turned their heads towards him, including me, captivated by the sound. Not only was he remarkable to look at, but the pleasure in his voice was absolutely charming.
“I’m guessing you like salads?” I managed to say, the words quiet enough to be sure that he knew they were meant for him alone and not a joke for everyone to hear. His smile was reassuring, and in turn, directed entirely towards me.
I stood up, realizing that if I didn’t, he would wait, and both of us would run out of time to eat our lunches.
“You need anything?” I asked Corrie, who held up her carton of chocolate milk, gesturing towards her bowl of entwined, undercooked French fries.
“All good here with representation of all the important food groups, but thanks.”
Her sarcasm came with a flicker of her gaze back towards Declan and again to me, as if she was asking me what in the world was going on between us. Or maybe she was just thinking that Declan could easily be added to her round-up of necessary food groups.
What she, and everyone else, didn’t know was that nothing he had said to me that morning had been romantic or sexy. Not even the least bit, and I was sure that he wasn’t headed in that direction by a longshot.
“So the regular line is over there, and the salad bar line here. We just pay after we get what we want, either at the caf line register or the salad register,” I pointed at the longer line, where kids were grabbing plates and bowls of random greasiness and some miscellaneous mystery foods along with generic snack cakes, and turned back to the salad bar, which was my only lunch option.
“I’m with you, Hope.”
Declan’s statement was probably, in true Declan fashion, about more than the salad bar choice for lunch, but I let it go and figured I could ask him about it later, since he had already explained that he couldn’t really talk here at school. It wasn’t the most private place, so I had to give him that.
“Oh, I am so so sorry!”
Before I could move out of the way, a girl who could only be explained as Melissa’s minion stepped between us and shoved a styrofoam bowl full of soft serve ice cream into my chest, pushing harder at it once it hit me and smearing it all over my shirt.
Chapter Seven
I stumbled back a few steps as she shoved at me, making sure that the bowl flattened and the melting glob wouldn’t be easy to wipe off. Breathless and a little confused, I wasn’t sure how I stopped falling backwards until my vision went black.
A flash of sunlight grazed over the tops of tall, thin trees, bundled together in a tightly packed forest, but instead of blinking at the brightness, I leaned my head back and soaked the warmth into my skin. The freshness of the leafy trees hung in the air, the scent almost visible, and I drank in the clean, vibrant surroundings like the thirsty, deprived creature I was.
Far off ahead of me, I saw a flash of movement and curious, took slow steps to follow, speeding up when I realized that I would never catch up to whatever it was if I didn’t hurry. Normally I couldn’t hurry, it just wasn’t physically possible, but now, as I took off in a run, the breeze rushed past me and I laughed out loud, surprising myself at the pure, unadulterated joy that burst free.
The trees parted to reveal a meadow of soft, tall grass and an array of brightly colored flowers. A dark-ha
ired boy stood at a distance, his back to me, and I understood that he was the figure I was running towards. When he turned to face me, his pale eyes caught the glint of the sun and he shook his head slowly, almost sadly.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice familiar yet strange. “She’ll kill us both now.”
What did he mean? Before I could ask, he turned away, and without a second thought, I called out desperately to stop him from running away again.
“Declan!”
“I’m right here.”
A soothing voice answered me, although I knew by my ever-present headache and general lethargy that I was no longer in the beautiful meadow. When I opened my eyes, suddenly remembering what had happened and where I was, Declan was staring right into them. He couldn’t possibly know what I had just seen, could he?
His arms were around me, holding me close against him so that some of the chocolate ice cream was sliding from my shirt onto his. How long had I been lost in my head?
We were, of course, surrounded by kids trying to get a glance at or a photo of us together, and several female voices gasped, one much more loudly than the others.
“Oh, no, I didn’t mean for any of it to get on you!”
Clearly the girl who accosted me hadn’t planned on Declan’s intervention, and was now horrified that her efforts had possibly made him upset with her. He was, on the other hand, completely absorbed in holding me, his eyes and attention never wavering, so her concern was unwarranted and unwanted.
“I apologize for touching you, and for whatever you must have seen because of it. I don’t want you to get hurt, you understand?”
I would have fallen backwards and landed on my butt or worse, hit my head on the floor if he hadn’t caught me. Anyone, even someone without my physical problems, would end up injured if they cracked their skull on that. Nodding, I opened my mouth to speak but found nothing to say. Meanwhile, phones flashed as photos were snapped, and a loud male voice interrupted the excited chatter around us.
The Shadow of a Dream Page 3