by Perks, Heidi
As Graham’s voice continues to drone through the car stereo, Grace’s muscles clench so tightly she can feel them burning.
‘You know I can’t actually believe you would do this to us,’ she says finally. ‘Matilda is eight, she’s excited to see you, and you can’t even be bothered to make an effort at Christmas? I am doing everything for this family, Graham. Everything. Do you have any idea how this is making me feel? Like you don’t actually want to be with us.’ Her voice is rising into a crescendo.
‘Grace,’ he says, and she swears she can hear him sighing. ‘Don’t keep doing this. I’m trying to get back sooner.’
‘Don’t keep doing what, Graham? Asking you to spend time with your family?’
‘Don’t keep blaming me.’
His tone has dropped, it is more flat now, the way most of their conversations go, she realises, and even though she doesn’t think she has gone too far, he always makes her end up feeling like she has.
Her hands are clenched into fists as they wrap around the steering wheel. ‘I could do with you here for me right now,’ she says.
‘Why, what’s going on?’ he asks.
‘Anna has disappeared,’ she says sharply.
‘What? How do you mean?’
‘She’s missing, is what I mean. We went out last night with three of her other friends and she hasn’t come home this morning.’
‘Grace, why didn’t you tell me?’
She shakes her head, resisting an urge to laugh. And when, exactly, was she supposed to do that? Besides, she already knows she won’t get any comfort from telling Graham.
‘Grace?’ he is asking.
‘I’m just trying to deal with it all,’ she says. ‘Her husband hasn’t rung the police, and her friends are lying about what happened at the end of the night, and so basically I feel like I’m the only one who wants to find her right now.’ The words tumble out in one long stream.
‘Jesus,’ he says, at least having the presence of mind to sound shocked. ‘Have you spoken to the police?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Woah. Christ, I think you should, Grace. I mean, if he isn’t stepping up, then you need to.’ He is attempting to be assertive, and she assumes this is partly because having something else to focus on gets him off the hook for his latest announcement, gives him a problem to deal with that isn’t his fault. ‘God, how awful,’ he says. ‘You must be so worried. And you have no idea what might have happened to her?’
Grace sighs. ‘No. I have no idea at all.’ She squints at the name on a road sign and turns right.
‘Do you think she’s done this of her own accord? That she’s, you know, somewhere she shouldn’t be?’ Graham asks.
‘No. I don’t think that. She has an eight-year-old son,’ Grace snaps, half to make the point that decent people don’t leave their children for any amount of time. ‘Anna isn’t selfish.’
‘So maybe she’s had an accident?’
‘Yes. Maybe.’ She now regrets telling him because she has opened up a dialogue she doesn’t want to have with the man who continues to let her down.
At the end of the road Grace realises she has taken a wrong turn and slams her fist against the steering wheel as she switches the map back on to the screen and squints at the tiny picture of the tangled web of roads. It isn’t until she has made another right turn that she recognises the road as Rachel’s; she’d driven here once before when Rachel’s son had accidentally put Matilda’s jumper in his schoolbag. The house is further up on the left, somewhere past the post box, and as she drives closer she sees Nancy’s ugly grey Land Rover parked up ahead.
‘I have to go,’ she says, pulling up to the kerb and turning off the engine. She can feel her pulse racing as she contemplates walking up Rachel’s path and ringing the doorbell.
‘Of course.’ Graham sounds relieved. ‘Will you let me know as soon as you hear anything about Anna? If you can’t get hold of me, just drop me a text.’
‘Drop you a text?’ This time she does laugh aloud. ‘I’ve just told you my best friend is missing and you can’t even be bothered to pick up the phone if there’s any news?’ She can picture herself having to write out the message – Anna’s been found dead, by the way. Hope your meetings are going well – and wonders if he’d bother to extract himself from one of those meetings to call her back.
‘That’s not it,’ he says, sounding irritated now. ‘I’m just having this headache of a problem at the moment and I’m in and out of meetings and calls; but of course, ring me, I’ll do everything I can—’
Grace hangs up before she can respond. He’ll do everything he can – to what, to take her call? Her marriage has become a series of short phone calls, excuses and postponed visits home, and right now she doesn’t need to feel any more alone. Finding Anna is more important than saving her marriage. If she has her best friend in her life again, perhaps she can even begin to cope with Graham’s absence from it.
She switches off the engine, still furious with her husband. Grace had every intention of driving straight to the police station, but now she is here and she knows Caitlyn is likely in there too, and if she turns up on the doorstep she’d have no option but to confront them.
Eventually she opens the car door and steps out on to the quiet street. They live so close – Anna, Rachel and Nancy – that it makes it all the more odd that Anna didn’t come home with them last night, and whatever Grace’s fears about facing the women, she knows she has no choice.
A group of mothers had splintered off after drop-off and had been standing outside the coffee van opposite the school for over an hour. Their conversations meandered into schoolwork and reading levels, families and Christmas. They commented that they wished they’d organised a party for the children themselves when they realised Anna wasn’t going to do it this year, for whatever reason. And then they wondered why she hadn’t. It was unusual for her not to have even taken an interest as she always had; there had been something a little distant about Anna lately.
Wherever their conversation strayed, they kept coming back to Anna’s disappearance and what might have happened to her, and how there was something odd about this town, no matter what anyone said. How it often felt so cut off from the rest of the world with its one road the only way in or out.
‘I couldn’t believe the way the two of them were at the school gates that time a few weeks ago,’ one of them commented.
‘Anna?’ one of the mothers questioned.
‘Yes. And Nancy,’ she said. ‘Did you not see them?’
‘I heard them,’ someone else confirmed. Never before had she witnessed the two women going at each other the way they had; they had always been so tight. ‘It all started with Nancy asking her what had happened at Ben’s party, whatever it was, demanding Anna tell her. That she had a right to know.’
‘That sounds very pushy,’ one mum said. Nancy was a strong woman, she had always thought. You only had to look at the way she held herself as she walked to know she didn’t stand for much nonsense, but she had never heard her talk to anyone like this.
‘I know, right? She said Anna wasn’t being a good friend to her. Anna was in a bit of a state, to be honest, talking back at her, but she looked pretty drained, if you ask me.’
‘I imagine she was trying to placate her,’ someone else added. ‘You know I overheard Nancy saying that she couldn’t believe Anna was putting someone else before her? I wanted to ask Anna if she was all right, but by the time they got to the classroom it was like nothing had ever happened between them.’
‘Who was Nancy talking about, then?’ someone asked.
‘I assume she meant Grace Goodwin. I mean, she clearly doesn’t like the woman. She doesn’t have any time for her. Not in the playground, at least.’
There was a collective shaking of heads before another asked, ‘Do you think she’s jealous of Grace?’
‘For what?’
‘Living in the Waterview apartments, for a start. Don’t you
remember we saw Nancy viewing the showroom when they were first built? She was desperate to move into one, but I don’t think she and her husband could afford it.’
‘I don’t see how anyone can be jealous of Grace when she doesn’t have a husband around. And you know what I think of Eric. Nancy’s husband is drop-dead gorgeous!’ one joked. ‘What I wouldn’t do to have him around the house!’
‘I feel for Grace. None of the group has much time for her. Not even Anna any more, and you can see how keen Grace is to be friends with her. She’s often standing on her own at pick-up while those four are lingering by the gates till the last minute. I always got the impression they didn’t want any of us to join in their conversations.’
‘So what do you reckon happened to make Nancy tell Anna that she was putting Grace before her?’
‘I don’t know. But Grace and Anna have so much history. Something must have put Nancy’s nose out of joint.’
Chapter Six
Grace
Grace had never intended to end up on Rachel’s doorstep, but now she is here then of course she needs to speak to them. She presses her finger on the doorbell for a little longer than normal, and when Rachel opens the door her expression is at first quizzical and then mildly irritated. ‘Oh, Grace,’ she declares.
‘I was just on my way back from Ben’s house,’ she says, ‘and so was passing your road.’ She waves a hand in the direction she’d just come. ‘I saw the cars here.’ Grace pauses and waits for Rachel to say something. When she doesn’t she asks, ‘Is it okay if I come in?’
Rachel hesitates and eventually says, ‘Yes,’ but doesn’t move. Then she adds, mumbling, ‘Yes, sorry, of course,’ and finally pushes the door open further as she stands to one side.
‘I’ve spoken to Ben,’ Grace says as she steps into the hallway. ‘He’s contacting the police.’ She looks at Rachel for a reaction but the woman’s face is completely blank and just as pale as it had been at the school gates earlier.
‘Good.’ Rachel nods. ‘I’m pleased he is. I mean—’ She breaks off and looks at her watch. ‘It’s been hours since anyone saw her. I know we would have heard from her by now if she’d … if she was …’ She can’t seem to find the words she wants. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘If she’d gone somewhere of her own accord?’
‘Exactly.’ As Grace looks more closely at Rachel she can see her skin is actually quite grey. Faint smudges of mascara are smeared under her eyes where she hasn’t washed it off properly. ‘You’ll have to excuse me,’ Rachel says. ‘I drank too much last night.’ She holds a hand over her mouth and Grace wonders again if she’s about to be sick. Rachel’s eyes widen as she nods towards the door to her kitchen. ‘The girls are in there. Go on through, I’ll be with you in a minute.’
Rachel dives into the downstairs toilet, leaving Grace standing in the middle of the hallway. She hasn’t been inside Rachel’s house before, only as far as the front door. The walls are decorated with the odd piece of art, which are no more than splashes of colour on canvases, something Grace never has been able to see the appeal of. Each of them has a sprig of tinsel draped over the top, but there is no other sign in the house that Christmas is round the corner.
Grace glances around, looking for what, she isn’t sure. Maybe something that will tell her what kind of person Rachel is, whether she can trust her. But there is nothing that gives Grace a deeper impression of the woman, and so eventually she heads towards the open door that leads into an immaculate kitchen-diner as bare and clinical as the hallway.
Nancy and Caitlyn are sat at a table nursing cups of coffee. They both look up as she walks in, and for a moment neither of them speaks. Already Grace knows she isn’t welcome, that her arrival has put them on edge, but however telling that might be, it doesn’t override the feeling of awkwardness that soars through her.
Nancy is pulling herself together now. ‘Grace, come in, have a seat,’ she says coolly. She stands as she waves to a spare chair. ‘Would you like a coffee?’ She is already sauntering to the cupboard, where she takes out a coffee cup and switches on the kettle as if she were in her own home.
Grace is taken aback by Nancy’s sudden show of hospitality and wonders if she is doing this on purpose. She cannot help but question every one of the woman’s actions, certain they are a pretence to hide an ulterior motive, and no doubt she is trying to lull Grace into a false sense of security.
In contrast, Caitlyn remains at the table, playing with her coffee cup, her gaze flicking between Grace and Nancy as if she doesn’t know where to look.
‘Oh good, you’re making coffee, Nance,’ Rachel says, still pale as she comes into the room and allows her friend to carry on shuffling around her kitchen.
Grace has never had friends like this as an adult, ones who make themselves comfortable in each other’s kitchens and help themselves to coffee. She wants it, she realises, this thing she has never had. This closeness she would surely have had with Anna if she’d never moved away. It is another stark reminder of these women’s friendships and how she stands little chance of dividing them if she has to, if it comes to the point she needs one of them to tell her some truths.
‘So Ben’s talking to the police,’ Rachel says to none of them in particular as she folds her hands around her mug, looking at Grace, then the others. ‘That means they’ll want to speak to us.’
‘Oh God,’ Caitlyn exclaims as she looks at Grace too. ‘I mean, I know it’s the right thing but …’ she adds quickly. ‘It’s just …’ Again she doesn’t finish her sentence. ‘How do you know, have you been to see him?’ she finally finishes.
Grace nods. ‘I’ve just been with him. He was calling them when I left.’ There is no harm in letting them think she believes this, because either way she’s heading straight to the station herself when she leaves.
‘What are they going to want to know?’ Caitlyn asks. Her face is taut with panic.
Grace glances at Nancy, whose back is to her as she finishes making the coffee, although it’s clear she is listening to the conversation. She eventually turns round and carries the cup of coffee over to the table, placing it in front of Grace. ‘Well, they will want to know everything about last night,’ she says. ‘Times; the amount of drinks; conversations …’ She speaks calmly and evenly, and as she does so she pauses and looks into Grace’s eyes. ‘They’ll want to know everything that was said.’ Her gaze lingers for a while, until she eventually withdraws and sits back down at the table opposite her.
As Grace sips her coffee, she watches Nancy over the rim. She continues to be so calm and fluid in everything she does, and yet her face tells a different story. Her gaze stares so intently one minute, and flicks nervously around the room the next. Now she is fiddling with her phone, tapping out a message, her attention supposedly distracted from Grace, although again Grace wonders if this is all an act. If she’s even texting anyone. What is it you’re trying to gain, Nancy? Do you want me to think you’re really as calm as you’re trying to make out?
‘Oh my God,’ Caitlyn is saying again. Her hands steeple in front of her then splay out on the table. ‘How the hell can we tell them that when we can’t even remember the end of the night?’
Grace snaps her head up at this as she notices Nancy turning and giving her friend a look. Do they really not remember?
‘I just mean … well, we don’t, do we?’ Caitlyn says. ‘We don’t know what happened.’
Nancy drops her phone and reaches over the table, taking hold of Caitlyn’s arm. ‘It’ll be fine, Cait. We just tell them the truth. That’s all we can do.’
‘You’re right,’ Caitlyn says. ‘I know. But what is the truth?’
Grace cocks her head, holding her breath at what is such an odd thing to say. ‘What do you mean?’ she asks.
‘I mean, what happened? What actually happened to Anna?’ Caitlyn stops, shaking her head, tears now falling down her cheeks.
Beside her Rachel is shuffling, feet scuffing back
and forth on the tiled floor. Whether it’s this or Caitlyn’s tears that pull Nancy out of her seat, Grace doesn’t know, but she is swiftly around the table, hands placed on Caitlyn’s shoulders. ‘We’ll find out,’ she says. ‘Ben is right to call the police, and now they can find out what happened.’ Then she takes hold of Rachel’s elbow and gestures to a chair, and even though Rachel doesn’t sit, she has at least stopped shuffling.
Nancy’s tone has changed from earlier. She now thinks Ben is right to call the police when only an hour earlier she thought it too soon. But what Grace is more taken by is how the others fall under her charm. Including Anna, she thinks. Maybe especially Anna.
Grace has wondered how Anna is so clearly drawn to Nancy. She worries, because of what she has seen before and how wrong it went – someone who dragged Anna in until it went too far. It was a cry for attention back then, and she cannot see that this is the same, though she can’t rule anything out. And now she knows that Anna has been seeing a counsellor, too – what she would give to talk to her friend and find out why. What is going on that no one else seems to see?
Nancy is picking up a coaster and making a show of sliding Grace’s mug on to it. Grace wants to laugh. How the other women seem to be trapped under her spell, lured by her self-assuredness that might make them feel so ‘safe’. Sometimes all people need is to feel safe. Anna has always needed that; Grace knows this by the way she needed her family back then.
But the trouble with women like Nancy is they’re often anything but safe.
Grace turns to Caitlyn. ‘You need to try to remember what happened. Because Nancy is right,’ she adds purposefully, ‘the police will want to know everything.’
‘I don’t even remember seeing her go.’ Caitlyn clasps her hands to either side of her face as she shakes her head. ‘None of us remembers, do we?’ She looks up. ‘But she must have done because there’s no way we would have got in the taxi without her. Would we?’ Her face is white as she looks first at Nancy and then at Rachel. Neither of them answers her. It is like the air has been sucked completely out of the room. ‘Nancy?’ Caitlyn is asking. Her voice wobbles.