by Amy Watkins
“Can I at least eat you out?” he asked. “You don’t have to do anything. I just want to please you.”
Damn, who could say no to that? So, I let him pull my pants and panties down and he proceeded to flick his tongue all over my clit and vagina. It felt so good, but I remembered that he was not mine.
“No, we gotta stop.”
He rubbed my clit, “You sure?”
My inner ho screamed, “Fuck no, I’m not sure,” but what I said was, “Yeah, I’m sure. We need to stop.”
So, we did…for like two minutes. Then we started kissing and hugging, and he slid his hand down my panties and began fingering me. No intercourse, but he rubbed me ‘til I came.
“Mmm, mission accomplished,” Jonathan groaned when my body convulsed. He smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and then he held me the rest of the night. I hadn’t been held by a man in years and it was so comforting. But I knew he wasn’t mine. In the morning he’d go back to his life and I’d go back to mine. But that night, it felt so good to be wanted, to be cared for, and to be pleased.
A couple of weeks later, I was sitting in my office typing up some notes when a man I once knew walked into my office.
“Dr. Wallace? Well, actually I guess it’s Dr. Neves now,” he addressed me.
“Oh my God, HM1 Conner! It’s so nice to see you. How are you?” I walked over to him and gave him a big hug. He smelled so good. He felt good in my arms, but he was guarded. He didn’t have the same spark he once had. He looked serious and cautious, instead of outgoing, bright, and humorous. He wore a button-down shirt, jeans, and Timberland boots. I looked down at his fingers to make sure he was not wearing a ring. He wasn’t.
“I’m doing okay. I just retired from the Navy, so I’m a civilian now. I had to go to court in Fredericksburg. I just decided to come up here and see how everyone was doing since I was in the area.”
“Court? I hope everything is okay.”
“Yeah,” he said. “It is. Just had to take care of some stuff with child support. You know how that goes. Anyway, how are you? How’s the family?”
“Well, we are doing good. I’m divorced now, but you know how that goes.” I wanted him to know I was single. He didn’t say anything. He just nodded his head and smiled. I broke the silence, “Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. You look great.”
“Thanks. Well, I’m not going to keep you. I just stopped by to say hi.”
“Oh, okay. Don’t be a stranger, though. Do you still have my number? It hasn’t changed.”
“Yeah, I think I do. Somewhere in my phone.”
“Okay, well use it.”
“Maybe I will.”
We said our goodbyes and, as he was leaving, I thought, “Hmm, potential.”
After two days he hadn’t called so I wondered if he’d lost my number. I texted him:
Me: Hey, Ethan, just wanted to check on you. How’s everything?
Ethan: Hey doc, things are okay.
Me: Okay? Just okay? What’s up? What’s wrong?
That’s when he called me and we began talking about his life and some of what he was going through.
Chapter 7 – Ethan
I told Angela what was going on with me and Tracy. I didn’t tell her about Caroline. It was too new and Caroline had yet to decide whether she was going to keep the baby. Besides, if any of that information got back to Tracy, I would be beyond done in the courts. The judge was already against me. Judge Wilcox was an old white man. Balding and overweight, he seemed more interested in the way Tracy looked then my actual case. The entire time we were in court, he never once looked at me. He stared at Tracy and smiled awkwardly.
I had no job. Tracy told the judge that I quit my job on purpose to avoid paying child support. She claimed I had loads of money stashed away and requested a formal subpoena of my finances.
The only income I had was my retirement and disability income from the Navy. Combined, that was only twenty-one hundred dollars a month, and I was already sending Cierra eight hundred a month. I had all my tax returns, W2s, and pay statements. I had even printed the text messages from my supervisor at my old job, stating that Tracy had been harassing her. I was prepared.
Despite my proof, Judge Wilcox believed her and was harsh with me. He awarded Tracy twenty-two hundred a month in child and spousal support, plus he ruled I would be solely responsible for all the legal fees, including her legal fees and all our marital debt.
When I explained to Judge Wilcox that I had no way of paying it, he, without looking at me said, “You should have thought about that before you quit your job.”
Tracy smiled back at him as he said it.
“I didn’t quit. I was forced to resign because Tracy was harassing my boss.”
“That’s hearsay.”
“Well, what about visitation with my son?” I asked the Judge.
“It has been brought to my attention that you are being investigated for the alleged molestation of the minor child, Devin. Therefore, I am not going to grant you visitation at this time. Once the investigation is complete, and if you are exonerated, we can revisit the issue in six months,” he retorted.
So, there I was—broke, child support debt growing, and I was unable to see my son. I missed Devin desperately. I already had eight hundred dollars a month taken from my check to help Tracy. That left me with only five hundred a month, so there was no way I could cover all my expenses. I had to pay for my car, my insurance, food, my personal debt, legal fees, and my cell phone bill. I was also giving Naomi and Caroline rent money, as well as an additional fifty a month to pay the retainer for the lawyer Caroline’s dad knew. I still hadn’t met his retainer fee, which is why I had to represent myself.
I had nothing…then Angela came along. She was easy to talk to and understanding. And she was going through some tough stuff too.
Angela told me all about Terrell’s abuse and infidelity.
“I don’t get it,” I told her, “a beautiful woman like you? Why would you stay? Why even get involved with him in the first place?”
“You know, I don’t know why good girls are always attracted to bad boys. I guess it’s a survival thing. You know, this world is cruel—especially to beautiful girls. And when you think about it—evolution and all—you know, survival of the fittest, so it makes sense. We look for someone strong, bold, and brave. Someone who will protect us. In the beginning, Terrell was like that. If he saw anyone talk sideways to me or even look at me wrong, he was ready and willing to fight. I found that attractive. But then he started fighting me about every little thing and made my life a living hell. I so wanted to leave him, but we were married and we have two children together. I didn’t want to disappoint God and I didn’t want to break up a family. And I cannot begin to explain how manipulative he is. He’d guilt me into staying. He’d say things like, ‘If you leave me, then you aren’t a good Christian woman.’ He also took all my money, so I couldn’t afford to leave. But you know what? I realized that God loves me. He would never want me to stay in an abusive relationship. God’s plan for me wasn’t to live in an emotional, physical, and financially abusive hell. So, God provided a way out and I am so happy I took it.”
I could understand that and nodded my head in agreement.
“So,” Angela broke the silence, “Why did you stay in an abusive relationship with Tracy?”
The question took me by surprise. I never thought of my relationship with Tracy as abusive. I thought that girls were just crazy—and she was…well…crazy. But when you think of it, I guess, she was emotionally and financially abusive. She was a master manipulator and was able to get her way—no matter the cost. That was abuse. As a matter of fact, Tracy was more abusive to me than Terrell was to Angela. Terrell put Angela through some crap—a lot of crap—but when it was done, it was done. He didn’t try to break her on his way out. Tracy, on the other hand, was dead set on ruining me. She wanted to pulverize me into bloody broken mus
h. She intended to make me pay. She wanted me to regret leaving her for the rest of my life. But we weren’t good together. Tracy was only with me because she thought I could afford the lifestyle she wanted. She never really wanted me, and when I started to see Tracy’s true colours, I didn’t want her either. The longer I stayed, the more I regretted it.
“You know, I never thought of our relationship as abusive,” I mused. “I was just trying to do my job as a man. And my mom always told me I didn’t understand women. She did tell me that women are emotional and they can be smart, cunning, and manipulative. I felt like Tracy was an ordinary woman and that was just how she was.”
“Let me tell you something about women. Once you’ve known one woman, you’ve known only that woman. Not all women are manipulative, crazy, or cunning. Some are, but we are all unique. Just like men. There are good men and there are bad men. Same with women.”
I was enlightened and intrigued by our conversations. I enjoyed her insights. We had a lot of things in common. For instance, we liked the same music, we both actively sought God, and had a similar spiritual understanding; we liked the same movies, we had similar views on raising children, we were both very goal oriented; we had similar senses of humour—just to name a few, because there’s much more. I enjoyed our conversations.
We took turns calling each other for a couple of weeks and were quickly becoming close friends. We confided in each other about a lot of personal things. I told her about my plans and what I desired in life. I was ready to get back on my feet and be a better man, father, son, brother, family member, and friend. Angela supported that. In the past, I let Tracy separate me from everyone because of her jealous ways and it got me nowhere, fast. I had never been so low nor so broken in my life.
Angela listened and understood. She knew how bad an abusive relationship could get. She knew that verbal, physical, and emotional abuse all left scars. She understood the stress you feel from the abuse and the energy it takes to stay and try to make it work. She understood how a marriage could be tested, especially if you were the only one fighting, bending, and breaking to save the marriage. Angela and I understood each other.
Angela told me about her dreams. She wanted to be a better child of God, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. She loved the beach and planned on moving there. She told me all about her adventures growing up in Washington, D.C. and taking regular trips to Virginia Beach. She had good memories there.
Her life was not all peaches and cream. She had some rough times in both her childhood and adulthood but the beach, for her, was like washing all the pain away. She had a job opportunity there and was planning to move, soon. She felt like God was leading her there, so she was going to follow.
I wanted to open up more to her and tell her about some of the foolish mistakes I had made in my past, namely getting Caroline pregnant while I was still married to Tracy. But I was hesitant; I didn’t want her to look at me negatively. I also wasn’t certain if I could trust her. Angela knew Tracy from my old clinic…what if she blabbed? I’d be done in the court system for sure.
Despite my fears, I realized that Angela and I had a strong connection. Years ago, we were cool, but this was different. We were building an intimate bond. She and I talked on a level deeper than I ever experienced with any other person and I yearned to get to know her better.
Caroline and Naomi noticed how my stroll around the house changed. I went from a hunched over wounded drunkard to floating on air, like I didn’t have a care in the world. Caroline once caught me blushing when she walked into the room while I was talking with Angela. She also heard me up at night laughing and joking on the phone. The pain Tracy’s infidelity caused in my life was quickly drifting away and being replaced by hope and joy.
Angela encouraged me to walk a narrow path. We read uplifting Bible quotes to each other to help when we felt down or discouraged.
“Iron sharpens iron,” Angela said, quoting Proverbs 27 during one of our conversations.
“Indeed, it does,” I responded.
“Who you talkin’ to?” Caroline interrupted. I didn’t even know she had entered the room, I was so involved in our conversation.
“Angela,” I answered.
“Oh, you like her,” Caroline teased.
I blushed and Caroline smiled in approval. Even though she was pregnant with my child, I knew that I had no romantic interest in Caroline, and from her smile I could tell she truly had no romantic interest in me either. That smile told me she wouldn’t mind me dating someone else. To me, she seemed to be a true friend who cared about my happiness. She slept with me to make me feel better because of how awful Tracy treated me. She told me all about Tracy because she wanted to support me and to show me she cared if I was happy or not. And now that I had a love interest, she supported me because she wanted me to be happy. I wasn’t sure how Naomi would take it, though.
I decided to take a chance and sat down with Caroline and Naomi. I told them about Angela. “She’s cool. She’s like a really good friend. This is different than any other woman I’ve talked to in the past.”
“Really?” Naomi drawled sarcastically, “Different how?”
“It’s just…different. No games, no drama, no image to uphold. She’s like a breath of fresh air. She gets me, mom. You know?”
“Boy, don’t you go opening no other doors before closing the ones you got. You got a wife and you got a baby on the way. You don’t need to be thinking of no other women. Y’all just friends now, right?”
I hesitated.
“Right?!” Naomi demanded.
“Yes, ma’am. We are just friends.”
“You promise?”
I hesitated.
“Promise!” she pressed.
“Yes, I promise, I will not open up any more doors until I close the old ones. And, yes, me and Angela are just friends.”
“Good ’cause you know that God don’t bless no mess,” Naomi warned.
Caroline stood in the background shaking her head.
I think I told them a little too much, too soon about Angela, but I wanted them to understand how awesome she was. I wanted them to want to meet her and get to know her. I wanted them to know why I couldn’t pass her up. I just knew if they met her, they would see what I saw and be more accepting of us.
I knew I had a lot of mess to clean up, first, and I agreed with them that I should take it slow. I thought about it. Angela and I, we could just be friends until after the divorce was final. Then, I could sweep her off her feet. Besides, the best relationships are built off friendship. But what if she met someone else before my mess settled?
I got a strange text a few weeks later:
Unknown: Yo, I can’t sit here and watch you go to jail. I just gotta warn you. Tracy filed another police complaint. She told the police you are hiring a hitman to kill her and her kids. They looking for you.
Me: Who is this? Why are you telling me this?
Unknown: I just don’t want you doin’ real time because of her lies.
I called Angela and told her about the texts. I asked her if I could stay with her for a few days so that I could meet with the police, straighten things out, and get this divorce thing rolling. My relationship with Tracy placed me at risk. I had to get out quickly. It took a lot for me to swallow my pride and ask someone for help, especially since I had a crush on her. I’m usually the one helping people out. I’m usually the hero. I’m usually the one who comes to the rescue and saves the day. And I was worried that she wouldn’t want to deal with me after hearing all that. What woman wants to deal with a man whose life is nothing but drama? I didn’t ask for the drama, but somehow the drama always found me. Angela was understanding and agreed to let me stay for a short time.
After a few days of sleeping in Angela’s basement guest room, I was no farther along with my divorce, nor had I made any headway with Tracy’s false police complaints. I was just as stuck as I was when I left Kentucky. I had gone t
o the police station several times, proclaiming my innocence, and asking what I could do to help my situation. They wanted me to take a lie detector test regarding the molestation and murder for hire allegations. I agreed to take the test, but the police kept pushing back the testing dates. They needed an expert to administer the test and the expert was on vacation. So, my time with Angela had to be extended a little longer, but she was cool with it. We stayed up late talking and then headed to our own bedrooms. I sometimes stayed up at night thinking, “Man, the girl of my dreams is right upstairs.” I fought the temptation to sneak up there and start kissing on her. Lots of prayer and masturbation got me through.
Things were rough. Tracy was still sending harassing emails and texts. I tried to stay positive. I helped Angela around the house and gave a small amount to put toward her bills.
I tried to file for divorce at the court, but the clerk told me I needed a lawyer. I had no money to pay for a lawyer, so the divorce proceedings were at a standstill. Naomi and Caroline both offered to help pay for the lawyer her dad knew so I could get a divorce sooner, but that hadn’t happened yet. It didn’t matter, I felt guilty about taking money from them anyway. I wanted to pay my own way. That was a bad season in my life. I kept pushing on to get past it, but I continued to run into dead ends and obstacles.
Angela was my breath of fresh air. When she was around, I felt like I had a break from all the drama. We went out a few times. We enjoyed each other’s company. I met her at work one day and asked her out to lunch. It was our first official date. We went to a Mexican restaurant. The only close parking spot was metered parking and neither one of us had change.
“Oh, we can just run in and get some change from the restaurant and come back before anyone ever notices,” she said.
I agreed.
We parked and ran inside. “Can you break a twenty? I need some change for the meter.” I said to the cashier.
“Sure,” she quickly took the money and gave me a ten, a five, three ones and eight quarters.”