by Eoin Colfer
She hovered above the tip of the tent pole. The stolen helmet was inside, no doubt about it. To investigate further, she would have to enter the structure. The fairy bible, or Book, prevented fairies from entering human dwellings uninvited, but recently the high court had ruled that tents were temporary structures and as such were not included in the Book's edict. Holly burnt the stitches on the tent's seam with a laser burst from her Neutrino 2000, and slipped inside.
On the earthen surface below were two dwarfs. One had the stolen helmet strapped across his back, the second was jammed down a hole in the ground. Both wore upper face masks and matching red leotards. Very fetching.
This was a surprising development. Dwarfs generally stuck together, yet these two seemed to be playing for different teams. The first appeared to have incapacitated the second, and perhaps was about to go even further. There was a glittering flint dagger in his hand. And dwarfs did not generally draw their weapons unless they intended to use them.
Holly toggled the mike switch on her glove. 'Foaly? Come in, Foaly? I have a possible emergency here.'
Nothing. White noise. Not even ghost voices. Typical. The most advanced communications system in this galaxy, and possibly a few others, all rendered useless by a few magma flares.
'I need to make contact, Foaly. If you can record this, I have a crime in process, possibly murder. Two fairies are involved, there is no time to wait for Retrieval. I'm going in. Send Retrieval immediately.'
Holly's good sense groaned. She was already technically off active duty, making contact would bury her Recon career for certain. But ultimately that didn't matter. She had joined the LEP to protect the People, and that was exactly what she intended to do.
She set her wings to descend, floating down from the tent shadows.
The dwarf was talking, in that curious gravelly voice common to all male dwarfs.
'Sorry about this, brother,' he said, perhaps making excuses for the impending violence. 'I hate to do it, but the Mud Boy has me over a barrel.'
Enough, thought Holly. There will be no murder here today. She unshielded, speckling into view in a fairy shaped starburst. 'First I want you to tell me about the Mud Boy,' she said. 'And then I want you to tell me about the barrel.'
Mulch Diggums recognized Holly immediately. They had met only months previously in Fowl Manor. Funny how some people were fated to meet over and over. To be part of one another's lives.
He dropped both the dagger and Sergei, raising empty palms. Sergei slid back down the hole.
'I know what this looks like, Ho ... Officer. I was just going to tie him up, for his own good. He had a tunnel convulsion, that's all. He could hurt himself.'
Mulch congratulated himself silently. It was a good lie and he had bitten his tongue before it could utter Holly's name. The LEP thought he had died in a cave, and she would not recognize him with the mask. All Holly could see was silk and beard.
'A tunnel convulsion? Dwarf kids get those, not experienced diggers.'
Mulch shrugged. 'I'm always telling him. Chew your food. But will he listen? He's a grown dwarf, what can I do? I shouldn't leave him down there, by the way.'The dwarf put one foot into the tunnel.
Holly touched down. 'One more step, dwarf,' she warned. 'For now, tell me about the Mud Boy.'
Mulch attempted an innocent smile. There was more chance of a great white shark pulling it off. 'What Mud Boy, Officer?'
'Artemis Fowl,' snapped Holly. 'Start talking. You're going to jail, dwarf. For how long depends on you.'
Mulch chewed it over for a moment. He could feel the Fei Fei Tiara pricking his skin beneath the leotard. It had slipped around the side, below the armpit, most uncomfortable. He had a choice to make. Try to complete the job, or look after number one. Fowl or a reduced sentence. It took less than a second to decide.
'Artemis wants me to steal the Fei Fei Tiara for him. My ... ah ... circus mates had already taken it, and he bribed me to pass it on to him.'
'Where is this tiara?'
Mulch reached inside his leotard.
'Slowly, dwarf.'
'OK.Two fingers.'
Mulch drew the tiara from under his armpit.
'You don't take bribes I suppose?'
'Correct. This tiara goes back near enough to wherever it came from. Police will get an anonymous tip and find it in a skip.'
Mulch sighed. 'The old skip routine. Don't the LEP ever get tired of that?'
Holly did not want to be drawn into conversation.
'Toss it on the ground,' she instructed. 'Then get down there yourself. Lie on your back.'
One did not order a dwarf to lie on the ground on his belly. One click of the jaws, and the perpetrator would be gone in a cloud of dust.
'On my back? That's really uncomfortable with this helmet.'
'On your back!'
Mulch obeyed, dropping the tiara and shifting the helmet to the front. The dwarf was thinking furiously. How much time had gone by? Surely the Significants would be back any second. They would come running to relieve Sergei.
'Officer, you really should get out of here.'
Holly searched him for weapons. She unstrapped the LEP helmet, rolling it across the floor.
'And why is that?'
'My teammates will be here any second. We're on a tight schedule.'
Holly smiled grimly. 'Don't worry about it. I can handle dwarfs. My gun has a nuclear battery.'
Mulch swallowed, glancing through Holly's legs towards the tent flaps. The Significants had arrived right on time, and three were sneaking through the tent flap making less noise
than ants in slippers. Each dwarf held a flint dagger in his stubby fingers. Mulch heard a rustling overhead, and looked up to see another Significant peering through a fresh rip in the tent seam. Still one unaccounted for.
'The battery isn't important,' said Mulch. 'It's not how many bullets you have, it's how fast you can shoot.'
Artemis was not enjoying the circus. Butler should have contacted him over a minute ago to confirm that Mulch had arrived at the rendezvous point. Something must be wrong. His instinct told him to take a look, but he ignored it. Stick to the plan. Give Mulch every possible second.
The last few seconds ran out moments later when the five dwarfs in the ring took their bows. They exited the ring with a series of elaborate tumbles, and headed for their own tent.
Artemis raised his right fist to his mouth. Strapped across his palm was a tiny microphone, of the type used by the US secret service. A skin-tone earpiece was lodged in his right ear.
'Butler,' he said softly, the mike was whisper sensitive. 'The Significants have left the building. We must execute plan B.'
'Roger,' said Butler's voice in his ear.
Of course there was a plan B. Plan A may have been perfect, but the dwarf executing it certainly wasn't. Plan B involved chaos and escape, hopefully with the Fei Fei Tiara. Artemis hurried along his row while the second box was lowered into the centre of the ring. All around him, children and their parents cooed at the melodrama unfolding before them, unaware of the very real drama that was being played out not twenty metres away.
Artemis approached the dwarfs' tent, sticking to the shadows.
The Significants trotted ahead of him in a group. In seconds thev would enter the tent and find that things were not as they should be. There would be delays and confusion, in which time the jewel merchants in the big top would probably come running, along with their armed security. This mission would have to be either completed or aborted in the next few seconds.
Artemis heard voices from inside the tent. The Significants heard them too and froze. There shouldn't be voices. Sergei was alone, and if he was not, something was wrong. One dwarf crawled on his belly to the flap, peeking inside. Whatever he saw obviously upset him, because he crawled rapidly back to the group, and began issuing frantic instructions. Three dwarfs went in the front flap, one scaled the tent wall, and the other popped his bum flap and went subterranean.
Artemis waited a couple of heartbeats, then crept to the tent flap. If Mulch was still in there, something would have to be done to get him out, even if it meant sacrificing the diamond. He flattened his body against the tightly drawn canvas and peered inside. He was surprised by what he saw. Surprised but not amazed, he should have expected it really. Holly Short was standing over a fallen dwarf who may or may not have been Mulch Diggums. The Significants were closing in on her, daggers drawn.
Artemis raised the radio to his mouth.
'Butler, how far away are you, exactly?'
Butler answered immediately. 'I'm on the circus perimeter. Forty seconds, no more.'
In forty seconds, Holly and Mulch would be dead. He could not allow that.
'I have to go in,' he said tersely. 'When you get here, moderate plan B as necessary.'
Butler did not waste time arguing. 'Roger. Keep them talking, Artemis. Promise them the world, and everything under it. Greed will keep you alive.'
'Understood,' said Artemis, stepping into the tent.
'Well well well,' said Derph, Sergei's second in command. 'Looks like the law finally tracked us down.'
Holly planted a foot on Mulch's chest, pinning him to the earth. She trained her weapon on Derph.
'That's right, I'm with Recon, Retrieval are seconds away. So just accept it and lie on your backs.'
Derph casually tossed his dagger from hand to hand. 'I don't think so, elf. We've been living this life for five hundred years, and we don't plan to stop now. You just let Sergei go, and we'll be on our way. No need for anyone to get hurt.'
Mulch realized that the other dwarfs believed he was Sergei. Maybe there was still a way out.
'Just stay where you are,' Holly ordered with more bravado than she felt. 'It's guns against knives here, you can't possibly win.'
Derph smiled through his beard. 'We've already won,' he said.
With the kind of synchronization born of centuries of teamwork, the dwarfs attacked together. One dropped from the shadows in the tent's upper regions, while another breached the earthen flooring, jaws wide, tunnel wind driving him a full three feet into
the air. The vibration of Holly's voice had drawn him to her, as a struggling swimmer's kicks will draw a shark.
'Look out!' screeched Mulch, unwilling to let the Significants deal with Holly, even at the price of his own freedom. He may be a thief, but he realized that that was as low as he was willing to go.
Holly looked up, squeezing off a shot that stunned the descending dwarf, but she did not have time to look down. The second attacker clamped his fingers around her gun, almost taking the hand with it, then wrapped his powerful arms around Holly's shoulders, squeezing the air from her body. The others closed in.
Mulch hopped to his feet.
'Wait, brothers. We need to interrogate the elf, find out what the LEP know.'
Derph didn't agree. 'No, Sergei. We do as we always do. Bury the witness and move on. Nobody can catch us underground. We take the jewels and go.’
Mulch punched the bear-hugging dwarf under the arm, a nerve cluster for dwarfs. He released Holly, and she fell gasping to the earth.
'No,' he barked. 'I am the pack leader here! This is an LEP officer. We kill her and a thousand more will be on our trail. We bind her and leave.'
Derph tensed suddenly, levelling the tip of his dagger at Mulch. 'You are different, Sergei. All this talk of sparing elves. Let me see you without the mask.'
Mulch backed up a step. 'What are you saying? You can see my face later.'
'The mask! Now! Or I'll see your innards as well as your face.'
And suddenly Artemis was in the tent, striding across the floor as if he owned the space.
'What is going on here?' he demanded, his accent decidedly German.
All faces turned to him. He was magnetic.
'Who are you?' asked Derph.
Artemis snorted. 'Who am I the little man asks. Did you not invite my master here from Berlin? My name is not important. All you need to know is that I represent Herr Ehrich Stern.'
'H—H—err Stern, of course,' stammered Derph. Ehrich Stern was a legend in the field of precious stones and how to dispose of them illegally. He also disposed of people who
disappointed him. He had been invited to the tiara's auction and was sitting in row three, as Artemis well knew.
'We come here to do business, and instead of professionalism we find some kind of dwarf feud.'
'There is no feud,' said Mulch, still playing the part of Sergei. 'Just a little misunderstanding. We are deciding how to dispose of an unwelcome guest.'
Again, Artemis snorted. 'There is only one way to dispose of unwanted guests. As a special favour, we will perform that service for you, for a discount on the tiara of course.' He paused in disbelief, his eyes widening. 'Tell me this is not she,' he said, picking the tiara off the ground where Holly had dropped it. 'She lies in the dirt like some cluster of common stones. This truly is a circus.'
'Hey, take it easy,' said Mulch.
'And what is this?' demanded Artemis, pointing to Mulch's helmet in the dirt.
'I dunno,' said Derph. 'It's an LEP ... I mean, the intruder's helmet. It's her helmet.'
Artemis waggled a finger. 'I think not, unless your tiny intruder has two heads. She is already wearing a helmet.'
Derph did the maths. 'Hey, that's right. So where did that helmet come from?'
Artemis shrugged. 'I just got here, but I would guess that you have a traitor in your midst.'
The dwarfs turned, as one, towards Mulch.
'The mask!' growled Derph. 'Take it off! Now!'
Mulch shot Artemis a look through the mask's eyeholes. 'Thanks a bunch.'
The dwarfs advanced in a semi-circle, knives raised.
Artemis stepped in front of the group. 'Halt, little men,' he said imperiously. 'There is only one way to save this operation, and that is certainly not by staining the earth with blood. Leave these two to my bodyguard, and then we shall commence negotiations.
Derph smelled a rat. 'Wait a minute. How do we know you're with Stern? You waltz in here just in time to save these two. It's all a bit convenient if you ask me.'
'That's why nobody asks you,' retorted Artemis. 'Because you're a dullard.'
Derph's dagger glittered dangerously. 'I've had it with you, kid. I say we get rid of all witnesses and move on.'
'Fine,' said Artemis. 'This charade is beginning to bore me.' He raised his palm to his mouth. 'Time for plan B.'
Outside the tent, Butler wrapped the tent's mainstay around his wrist and pulled. He was a man of prodigious strength, and soon the metal pegs began to slide from the mud that held them. The canvas cracked, rippling and ripping. The dwarfs gaped at the billowing canvas.
'The sky is falling,' screamed a particularly dense one.
Holly took advantage of the sudden confusion, grabbing a stun grenade on her belt. She had seconds left before the dwarfs cut their losses and went subterranean. Once that happened it was all over. Nothing could catch a dwarf below ground. By the time Retrieval got here, the dwarfs would be miles away.
The grenade was strobe operated, sending out flashing light at such high frequency that too many messages were sent simultaneously to the watcher's brain, shutting it down temporarily. Dwarfs were particularly susceptible to this kind of weapon, as they had a low light tolerance in the first place.
Artemis noticed the silver orb in Holly's hand.
'Butler,' he said into his mike. 'We need to get out of here! Now. Northeast corner.'
He grabbed Mulch's collar, leading him backwards. Overhead the canvas was falling, its descent cushioned by trapped air.
'We go,' screamed Derph. 'We go now. Leave everything and dig.'
'You're not going anywhere,' gasped Holly, her breath rasping along a bruised windpipe. She twisted the timer, rolling the grenade into the midst of the Significants. It was the perfect weapon against dwarfs. Shiny. No dwarf can resist anything shi
ny. Even Mulch was watching the glittering sphere, and would have kept watching until the flash, had Butler not slit a five-foot gash in the canvas and yanked the pair through the gap.
'Plan B,' he grunted. 'Next time we pay more attention to the back-up strategy.'
'Recriminations later,' said Artemis briskly. 'If Holly is here, then back up won't be far away.' There must have been some kind of tracker on the helmet, something he hadn't detected. Perhaps in one of the coatings.
'Here's the new plan. With the arrival of the LEP, we must split up now. I will write you a cheque for your share of the tiara. One point eight million euros, a fair black market price.'
'A cheque? Are you joking?' objected Mulch. 'How do I know I can trust you, Mud Boy?'
'Believe me,' said Artemis. 'I am not to be trusted, generally. But we made a deal, and I don't cheat my partners. You could, of course, wait here for the LEP to arrive and discover your miraculous recovery from the usually fatal affliction of death.'
Mulch snatched the offered cheque. 'If this doesn't clear then I'm coming to Fowl Manor, and remember I know how to get in.' He noticed Butler's angry glare. 'Though obviously, I hope it doesn't come to that.'
'It won't. Trust me.'
Mulch unbuttoned his bum flap. 'It'd better not.' he winked at Butler. And he was gone, below the earth in a flurry of dust, before the bodyguard could respond. It was just as well really.
Artemis closed his fist around the blue diamond on the tiara's crown. It was already loose in its setting. All he had to do now was leave. Simple. Let the LEP clean up their own mess. But even before he heard Holly's voice, Artemis knew that it couldn't be that easy. Nothing ever was.
'Don't move, Artemis,' said the fairy captain. 'I won't hesitate to shoot you. In fact, I'm quite looking forward to it.'
Holly activated the Polaroid filter on her visor just before the stun grenade detonated. It was difficult to concentrate enough to perform even that simple operation. The canvas was flapping, the dwarfs were popping their bum flaps, and from the corner of her eye she noticed Fowl disappearing through a slit in the tent.
He would not escape again. This time she would get a mind-wipe warrant and erase the fairy People from the Irish boy's memory permanently.