by Peter Newman
Quickly but quietly, oh so quietly, Pari slipped around the wide trunk of the tree, just as the first of the lumbering figures arrived.
The suns were going down by the time Honoured Mother Chandni had a chance to speak to her son alone. They’d kept up their pretence of assured confidence through the afternoon, nodding to staff as they wandered the corridors, and in Chandni’s case, giving quiet words of encouragement. With High Lord Yadavendra in residence, everyone was tense, and working twice as hard as usual.
It was only when they were safely inside Satyendra’s chambers that they allowed themselves to relax. Chandni found herself dizzy with stress and reached out to the wall to steady herself, while Satyendra threw himself onto his bed face first and lay there, splayed, like a dead Squidkin.
She helped herself to some water and went to the window, taking comfort at the sight of the solid walls, and the sense of being high above the world, safe.
‘What happened?’ she asked.
His reply was muffled by the bedding.
‘Satyendra, what happened?’
He turned his head enough to give her a sullen look. ‘I said, don’t ask. I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘At least tell me if you did well.’
‘I didn’t embarrass you, if that’s what you’re asking.’
‘Was High Lord Yadavendra very difficult?’
‘Awful.’
She went and sat by the side of his bed, and began stroking his long hair. ‘From what I could see, you were excellent at lunch.’
She watched him try not to perk up at her compliment. ‘I was?’
‘Yes. The High Lord is clearly very impressed with you. Can you tell me why he wanted to see you afterwards?’
‘No.’
‘Should I be worried?’
‘That depends,’ his despondent expression returned, ‘on whether you love me more than Lord Rochant.’
Chandni didn’t answer. She loved her son, of course she did, but she also loved her Deathless Lord. It was her sacred duty to groom a vessel for Rochant’s soul. In her mind, those loves coexisted. If it hadn’t been for the assassins killing the other potential vessels, Satyendra would never have been called, and it wouldn’t have been an issue. Now though, there was no one else. She looked at her son and asked herself if she was strong enough to see this through.
When it became clear she wasn’t going to take the bait, his face became pleading. ‘Tell him I’m not ready. Tell him we have to wait a little longer.’
‘We’ve already been through this. I will offer my thoughts but in the end it is his decision.’
‘Tell him!’ hissed Satyendra, turning over and grabbing her arm. Tears glimmered at the corners of his eyes. ‘I need more time.’
She knew what he really meant by that. Knew that he was plotting to escape his duty. A part of her was appalled by it, while another understood all too well. She waited, wondering whether to say anything or stroke him, or to simply sit. Maybe I should go. It was so hard knowing how to handle him when he was like this. Whatever I do will get twisted. If I am tender he will get angry, if I give him space he will accuse me of neglect.
‘How can I best serve you, my son?’
He tilted his head, curious despite himself. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘It is your duty to serve House Sapphire and it is mine to make sure you are ready. How may I serve you? How can I help you through this?’
‘You really want to help me?’
‘You know I do. Talk to me.’
‘Then tell me, Mother, what do you really feel?’
Tired. Sad. Terribly sad. Afraid that the Wild has made you unsuitable to house Lord Rochant’s soul and all of this suffering will have been for nothing. ‘I feel proud that you are giving so much to us, and relief that our house will soon have Lord Rochant back again.’
His face twisted with distaste. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Then I feel sorry for you. I have a lot of feelings right now, Satyendra, too many for me to put into words. But I am proud of you, please believe that.’
‘What will you do when I am dead?’
The words struck her like a blow but she did not flinch from them. Whatever I am suffering it is a thousand times worse for him. I must be a role model. I must show him how to bear that suffering. ‘When Lord Rochant returns I will continue to serve him and House Sapphire in any way I can.’
‘You don’t think they’ll get rid of you, then? After all, you won’t be needed to look after me or the castle when Lord Rochant is back. You’ll be,’ he gave an impish shrug, ‘irrelevant.’
Instead of needling her, the suggestion stirred her fantasy. If House Sapphire didn’t need her, she’d be free. ‘That will be for my lord to decide.’
The facade of calm that he was wearing crumbled away and his voice rose in anger. ‘You’re always so bloody fucking dutiful!’ He paused, no doubt to see if she’d react, but in this as in so many things, she disappointed him. Normally such language would upset her but today it had the opposite effect, and it was all she could do not to laugh. After all, I’ve heard far worse in my lifetime. It made her think of Varg. Too many things made her think of Varg lately. She missed him. She missed the feel of his arms around her, her head on his chest, the bass of his voice resonating against her ear. But most of all, she missed having someone to talk to openly and honestly.
I am so alone.
‘Are you even listening to me?’ yelled Satyendra.
‘When you calm down and speak to me in a respectful, civilized way, I will listen to anything you wish to say. Until then,’ she turned to the door, ‘you do what you must, alone.’
To her surprise, she made it out of his room, and away down the corridor, without a retort. For once, she had had the last word and it gave her a guilty thrill of victory.
She had not got far when she saw Zax walking towards her with intent. Yadavendra’s lead hunter still wore his wings, which forced him to move timidly to avoid catching the walls and ornaments. Seeing the brute so uncertain was gratifying, though it pained her to see any Sapphire less than perfectly composed. He showed such relief to have found her that she almost felt sorry for him, however an odious man in trouble was still an odious man, and she kept her sympathy in check.
‘Honoured Mother Chandni!’ he said and did his best to bow.
Better, she thought, but did not let any of her approval show. Some animals are best treated with cruelty rather than kindness. ‘What is it?’
‘High Lord Yadavendra requests that you join him on a most urgent matter.’
‘Then we had best not keep him waiting.’
And with that she moved off purposefully, leaving the hunter to struggle in her wake.
To Chandni’s surprise, Yadavendra had asked her to visit his personal chamber rather than Rochant’s audience room. She sang for entrance, and when permission was given, she put aside the feeling of terror that always assailed her when in the High Lord’s presence, and went inside, stately, like a true Sapphire.
Zax floundered some way behind. She could just make out the sound of his Sky-legs tapping on the floor, a series of tottering tiny steps, toddler-like. By arriving before him, she had made his presence unnecessary, and because he would not dare interrupt his High Lord, he would be forced to wait at their pleasure. As it should be. A lesson or two in humility is just what that hunter needs.
As she expected, Yadavendra remained in his armour, which made the normally spacious room seem cramped and the furniture undersized. A bottle of wine had been set next to a bowl of soup, and she wondered if it was the same one from lunch. Both appeared untouched.
‘Honoured Mother,’ he said, beaming.
‘High Lord,’ she replied with a deep bow. ‘How may I serve?’
‘Rest assured, we will come to that. But first, I wished to express my satisfaction with your son.’ He pointed at her. ‘And with you. Any fears I had at the fitting were banished during our lunch together. H
e really has our beloved Rochant’s aspect, don’t you think?’
‘It pleases me to hear you say so, High Lord.’
‘Uncanny. But what impresses me most is the way he thinks. He has Rochant’s way of coming at a problem and cutting through it. If my old friend is the sword of the house, then your Satyendra is the knife.’
He paused long enough for her to consider saying something.
‘Would that I could have both weapons at my disposal. Alas, it cannot be. Did you know, Satyendra suggested that I make him a new Deathless instead of using him as a vessel?’
‘I did not.’ She felt the heat of shame on her throat and cheeks as she bowed again. ‘I can only apologize, my High Lord.’
As she straightened, she saw that his smile remained bright and broad. Perhaps a little too broad to be entirely comforting. He leaned forward, the intensity of his presence magnified in the intimate space, and she found herself wanting to back away, to put distance between herself and the room, between herself and her High Lord. But she didn’t. Her posture remained straight, her face free of any misgivings.
‘Apologize? For showing initiative?’ Yadavendra laughed. ‘Would that the rest of my family follow his example.’ He put a hand on her right shoulder and she could feel, not heat exactly, but the weight of his personality radiating from the gauntlet, pressing down on her. ‘Today has shown me beyond all doubt that Satyendra is ready to fulfil his duty to the house. The Bringers of Endless Order are on their way and will arrive this very night. In the morning, I will have them conduct the rebirth ceremony.’
Unable to bow with his hand still on her shoulder, Chandni nodded her acceptance of his words. She was unable to speak, stunned by the suddenness of it all. I’ve known this was coming and yet I didn’t think it would be now. She knew she should be honoured, but all she could think about was Satyendra’s crumpled face, desperate, teary. He would be devastated when she told him, and she determined that it had to be her that brought the news.
‘You’re quiet,’ said Yadavendra, leaning down to peer at her.
‘Forgive me, High Lord. I had assumed the ceremony would not be quite so soon. It is just a … surprise, that’s all.’
‘I understand, you know. It is lonely being in power. You have to make decisions for the house, not yourself. Like you, I have no wish to see Satyendra go. He will be honoured to serve as a vessel for Rochant’s soul, yes, but he will also be missed.’ His other hand rose to cover her left shoulder, and squeezed gently. ‘By us both.
‘But my house needs your lord … I need him.’ As his face twisted with emotion he let go of her abruptly and turned to the window. ‘More than you know.’
Chandni had no idea how she should respond. A small part of her felt sorry for Yadavendra, and honoured to be included in his confidence. A larger part disgusted that he display such weakness. But most of all, she wanted to get away. The instability of the man was palpable and she had the irrational thought that if she stayed too close to him, she would catch it, like a sickness – a sickness of the soul. She took a step back and bowed. ‘I will be there to greet the Bringers of Endless Order myself, and I will have my people make the necessary preparations here. Invitations will be sent to the Deathless Lords of the Sapphire.’
‘No need,’ said Yadavendra. ‘They’ve were sent long ago. And I gave the order for the ceremony to be prepared for at the same time as I summoned you.’
‘Then, with your leave, I will go directly to my son.’
He nodded. ‘Of course.’
With great relief, Chandni left the chamber. She wondered how she would break the news to Satyendra, and how she would find it in herself to say goodbye. No doubt he already senses the changes in the castle. She sighed, a shuddering potent thing, so heartfelt that she had to stop and cover her mouth lest it become a sob. He will not make this easy on me nor do I want him to. She realized then that she wanted Satyendra to be angry with her, to argue and fight for his right to live. And more than that, deep down, she wanted him to win.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Satyendra waited for Chandni to finish, nodded solemnly, and then took her hand. ‘I understand, Mother.’
She was braced, no doubt expecting him to lash out verbally or otherwise, and did not react instantly. When she did it was with a gasp of disbelief, and a strange mix of relief and sadness. The emotion was strong, but not the kind that he found nourishing. ‘You do?’
‘Yes.’
A tear ran down her cheek as she spoke. ‘I did not expect you … that is I was worried that …’ She collected herself and squeezed his hand. ‘I am proud of you, my son.’
He smiled at her, keeping his thoughts locked within a cage of teeth. Enjoy the feeling while you can. ‘It’s funny, I’ve been terrified of this moment all these years but now it’s here I feel …’ Furious? Betrayed? Trapped? ‘… calm. I suppose there’s nothing to fear any more.’
‘Oh Satyendra,’ she whispered, stepping forward to embrace him.
‘Might I ask one thing before I go to present myself to the Bringers?’
‘Of course.’
‘I’d like to say goodbye to some of my friends amongst the hunters, and say thank you to Story-singer Ban for being so patient with me over the years.’
‘Yes.’ She gave him a sad smile. ‘He would appreciate that.’
‘And then, afterwards, might we have some private time together, before …’
Her tears were flowing freely now. ‘Yes. Yes, I promise. It’s the least I can do.’
‘Be brave, Mother. It isn’t for much longer now.’ He hugged her again, suddenly aware that he was taller than her. Perhaps I have grown, or perhaps she is shrivelling up. With her defences down it was tempting to plant a barb, something to make her suffer. One well-crafted sentence was all it would take. The idea stirred his hunger. But no, he had to keep her in this state, off balance and unfocused, if he was to succeed. ‘When it is time, I may need help.’ He looked down as if hiding shame, when in truth he wanted to avoid his mother’s scrutiny. ‘Can I count on you?’
‘Yes, always.’
‘It’s just, if the fear comes back, I might need a little push and it would make it easier if I knew you were here to help me make my last preparations. I mean, instead of the servants.’
He could see her weighing it up in her mind. She would have many things to oversee in the castle tonight, things that could take her all over. But he needed her out of the way, and to know exactly where she was.
‘Yes,’ she said at last. ‘It will take a bit of arranging, but I will be here when you get back.’
‘Thank you. I think I can do this, Mother, if you’re with me.’
He could see her trying not to cry again. Tears of joy were collecting in the corners of her eyes, and tears of pride. Useless tears. ‘Please don’t,’ he said, the slightest tinge of irritation betrayed in his tone – oh, so you want me to go quietly and to feel sorry for you as well! – ‘or you’ll set me off too.’
They hugged one more time and Satyendra left his chambers. Let them all think he had come to terms with his fate. Then, when his mother was ensconced in his room and the rest of the castle was busy dealing with the Bringers of Endless Order, he would make his escape.
Chandni watched her son go, blurred through her tears, his form shimmering, fluid. He’s not coming back.
She swayed under the weight of emotion. Duty dictated that she go after him and drag him back, but she couldn’t move. Satyendra was making a bid to live. In his typical way he was being selfish and thoughtless, thinking nothing of the house or any greater concerns.
And yet she could not move.
Bad enough that she had denied her own heart for so long. Would she now deny his as well?
I remember when everything was so clear. It was the Wild that did this to me. Being with the road-born. And with Varg. Seeing the exile, Fiya, and learning that things are not quite as the Story-singers tell them.
I love my lord and I
want him back. But is that enough to justify Satyendra’s murder? He is not the child I wished to raise, but how can I blame him, given the burden he has always been under?
The Wild didn’t just get to me, they got to him too. Neither of us quite fit any more. Perhaps Lord Rochant’s soul will purge my son, or perhaps it will find Satyendra’s flesh unworthy.
She steadied her breathing, dried her eyes, and summoned Pik. The boy arrived shortly afterwards, a worried expression on his face. He bowed to her.
‘Report.’
‘Satyendra is on the move, Honoured Mother.’
‘I know.’
‘What should I do?’
An excellent question. ‘Go to him and …’
There was an awkward pause.
‘Yes, Honoured Mother?’
‘And help him.’
Pik gasped.
‘Do this and I’ll see that your place here is assured. No more difficult tasks. No more deception. You and your descendants will have a place here, forever. I swear it on the Blood of the Sapphire Everlasting.’
‘But …’
She could see him wrestling with his conscience.
‘This is for the good of the house. Lord Rochant cannot come into a vessel that isn’t ready.’
‘But the High Lord says—’
‘When Satyendra is ready, I’m sure he’ll do what is right. Remember, Lord Rochant came from the road-born. Perhaps my son needs to spend time with them in order to do as his High Lord asks. But you don’t need to worry about that. Satyendra is my burden to bear.
‘Now, go to his side. Give him whatever he needs to leave, and I will see you richy rewarded.’
Pik saluted. ‘Yes, Honoured Mother Chandni.’
‘Make sure he isn’t seen. And please, make sure he has food and something warm to fend off the night.’
‘Yes, Honoured Mother. I won’t fail you.’
There. It is done. Let Satyendra follow his heart, and let it lead him to a happier place.
Sa-at woke with a start. He was in a tree, a safe tree, and Crowflies was with him. I am among friends.
But his heart was pumping hard in his chest and the old scar on the knuckle where his little finger had once been was itching. He wondered if the Red Brothers had come into his dreams again. It happened sometimes, especially when he was feeling small.