Chapter Ten
My phone remained quiet for the rest of the night. I was thankful for the reprieve, because I still hadn’t decided what I planned to say once Derek and I spoke again. I wasn’t sure what type of appearances he had booked out of California, but I could probably find out from Google. He hadn’t lied, but when he said his job required him to travel, I hadn’t thought national interviews and sold-out conventions were on his itinerary.
His name sounded familiar, but in a vague way. I wasn’t completely surprised Emily’s murder was unknown to me; crime shows never held any appeal. Jake used to say I was too soft-hearted for the harsh realities of the world. He never elaborated and said I was likely too soft-hearted for him as well.
Derek’s books were popular too, but he was a writer from a genre I rarely read. He had fan sites, even a dedicated fan fiction forum where readers shared their own versions of stories featuring his characters.
In the morning, I woke up to a text from Derek. I can’t wait to get back home. I miss talking to you. Still free tomorrow night?
Tumbling back into my mattress, I groaned. Of course, I wanted to talk to D, but Derek Walsh was an entirely different story. I considered writing him back that second, telling him I discovered his identity. But what then? Naturally, he’d want to know who I was.
Once we met, there were two possible outcomes in my head. The best-case scenario would be he still wanted us to remain friends. We could talk occasionally and stay phone buddies. The other option was for him to see who I really was, take in my uninspiring appearance, and blow me off. Because Derek chose women like Emily. Very beautiful women with perfectly toned bodies who radiated confidence and elegance.
I wasn’t beautiful, nor did anyone ever tell me I was. I was short, an inch and a half over five feet, with a pear-shaped body. Despite Jake’s cringey weight loss gift, I never could get the thin thighs and trimmed ass he wanted. When I started to lose the weight in my breasts, he decided I didn’t need to slim down after all. The sad part was I stayed with him for another year. He had a way to reel me in that I couldn’t quite understand. For the next holiday, he bought me an expensive diamond necklace shaped as an eternity band. He had told me I was his forever and no one else in his life cared about him in the way that I could. He told me my heart was big enough to see beyond his flaws and love him unconditionally.
Derek had something amazing with Emily, so different than my relationship. He loved her still after death while I was likely a forgotten footnote in Jake’s life. Even if for some inexplicable reason Derek still liked me after we met, Emily was his only love. He wasn’t ready to date and I couldn’t be a rebound to someone who lost his soul mate.
I texted Derek back, making up a white lie to avoid making a decision about him. I’m actually going out with a friend tomorrow night. We’ll talk soon though.
He replied a minute later. Call me before you go to bed, I’ll be getting in late.
I’m not sure what time I’ll get home. Plus, you’ll probably be jet lagged and want to crash.
He didn’t write back immediately. Five minutes went by before finally he replied. Are you going on a date?
No.
You can tell me if you’re going on a date. Of course, I’ll be insanely jealous because you won’t go on a date with me. Most women would be overjoyed over the idea of dating someone as gorgeous as Derek. I was the complete weirdo who would’ve preferred him to be less attractive.
You don’t even know what I look like. Should I send him a photo? I wondered. We hadn’t talked about exchanging pictures, so I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up.
I still like you and want to go to dinner.
Before answering, I got out of bed and turned on my laptop. I brought up a photo of him, a headshot that looked like it came from his book jacket. The truth was Derek Walsh scared the hell out of me. But D was a different story. D became a friend first, then a man I started to fall for hard. Derek Walsh would tear my heart to shreds, but I had come to believe D would never be so careless with my feelings. Finally, I replied. Maybe but just as friends.
I’m completely fine with that, whatever you want. When?
Honestly, I needed more time to figure things out. I replied: I don’t know. I’m freaked out about this entire thing with you. I feel like meeting puts all this pressure on us. I like you and I didn’t expect to feel so close to someone I never met. And I’m afraid of losing it.
I promise we will be friends, no matter what. But tell me when you feel ready and we’ll meet. Do you live close to Springdale?
Yes.
I released a shaky sigh, but I had to give him more. I wasn’t outright lying, but I was concealing an important fact from him—he was no longer a stranger.
How close?
Less than twenty minutes.
That makes me really happy.
He was impossible to resist. I tried not to swoon because I could picture him now. I could see Derek typing back his sweet replies. I imagined his half-smile, the smile he rarely showed in public as he read my messages.
Before I could write back, he sent another message. Can you call me this weekend? If not Friday, another night?
Yes, I will. I should start getting ready for work now. I tried to think of something meaningful to say without telling him I knew his identity. I hope your work trip went well and you had time to do something fun out there.
I went to the beach yesterday. It was nice, but I like our beaches better.
I didn’t mind the visual of Derek at the beach because it was very easy to imagine how hot he looked under his clothes. And then once I thought of him at the beach, I fantasized even further and pictured him completely naked.
What’s your favorite beach? I asked him.
That’s hard to pick, but probably Avalon or Ocean Grove. I used to rent a shore house for the summer, but I haven’t in the past couple of years. Do you have a favorite beach?
I’ve only gone to Cape May a couple times. I’m not from around here. I grew up in Upstate New York.
I have to give you the full Jersey Shore experience then when you finally decide to meet me.
He was making plans and I was getting caught up in the fantasy. I had to keep reminding myself getting involved with him was a very bad idea. But I couldn’t deny when we texted, when we talked, I got lost in the moment. I was just myself with him. Before I found out he was Derek Walsh, I hadn’t cared he was getting to know the real Alyssa. I wanted to hold onto that feeling and not ruin it by revealing I had found out who he was.
I would have to tell him eventually, but not just yet. I hated the idea of having the upper hand in our relationship, like I had forced us off of a level playing field. But I hadn’t been ready before to meet him and accidentally finding out who he was hadn’t changed my hesitation. If anything, I was more afraid than ever.
***
Jenny came over to my apartment on Friday night. We were having a girls’ night finally; one not requiring us to get dressed up and head to the bar. The rules were no makeup, no bras, and only foods with chocolate were allowed. We rented a few movies, but spent most of the time dissecting her most recent dates.
After refilling our wine, she handed me back my glass. “We should head out of town to find some new guys. I’m seeing the same six single guys at Molly’s Pub.”
“Have you slept with all six?”
“No, but half of them. The other half keep asking me when my pretty friend is coming back out.” She gave me a leering look.
“No, thanks. I need a nice guy, remember, not a sex toy.”
“Then, we definitely need to head out of town. Those guys aren’t nice and I wouldn’t even consider them a sex toy. Most nights, my vibrator holds more appeal.”
I yawned, realizing it was almost one in the morning. “Are you sleeping over? You had a lot to drink.”
“So did you,” she said, pointing to the three empty wine bottles on my coffee table.
“I had two
glasses.” I laughed. “You’re more than welcome to stay. I’ll even be a better date than most of your guys and cook you breakfast in the morning. But don’t expect the food to taste as good as Ahmed’s.”
“Well, who can refuse an offer like that?” she joked. “But you’re right, Ahmed is the best.”
Smirking, I realized she didn’t add a noun to the sentence. Ahmed yelled at the two of us all the time, but I definitely sensed a chemistry between him and Jenny. The way the two of them fought made me think they could easily take that passion into the bedroom.
I went to retrieve a pillow and blanket for her out of the hall closet. My text alert sounded as I started to make up the couch. Jenny gestured to the phone. “Who’s trying to booty call you on Friday after one?” Leaning over, she squinted at the phone. “Who’s D? And why does he think you’re fucking him tonight?”
My knees felt close to giving out. “Oh my God, is that what he wrote?” I rushed over to her, my heart pounding.
“No,” Jenny said, picking up the phone and handing it to me. “But he said are you up? Which is pretty much code for can I come over and fuck.”
The tension released from my shoulders. “No, he was getting in late from a trip. He’s checking to see if I was up to talk.”
Jenny snorted. “Nobody wants to talk after midnight. Who is he?”
“Just some guy I’ve been talking to, nothing serious.”
“Alyssa, you’ve been holding out on me! How did you meet?”
“I haven’t met him. We’re only talking.”
“Oh shit, like an internet dating thing.” She nodded to herself, not realizing I wasn’t confirming her assumption. “That’s cool, though. I’ve met some decent guys online, but be careful, I’ve been catfished too. The pictures look all hot and stuff, then you meet the man and realize the pictures were taken twenty years earlier.” Jenny shuddered. “What does he look like?”
“He’s good-looking, but it’s complicated. I don’t know if I’m going to keep talking to him.”
“Only you could make online dating sound melodramatic. Give him a call, don’t blow him off on my account.”
“No, thanks. I’m trying to figure it out and you’ll boss me around until I do something stupid like agree to go on a date with him.”
“I will boss you into a date, but keep it casual and have an exit strategy.”
Her words gave me pause. “That actually sounds like a good idea.”
“See, I do have solid advice when you bother to listen to me.”
Nodding distractedly, I had disappeared into my own head. Maybe I should meet Derek, but plan everything out on my terms. Dinner was too much pressure and I couldn’t bear the lookover he’d give me when I showed up. I imagined an assessment and then what if I saw something in his expression, a flicker of disappointment before we even sat down to eat. I couldn’t stomach the idea of standing before him, getting judged by my appearance. I was working toward self-acceptance, but years of emotional damage couldn’t get undone in weeks.
Jenny and Birdie could tell me until they were blue in the face that I was prettier than I realized, but I couldn’t simply believe them. I didn’t like having such shitty self-esteem, but I couldn’t expect an overnight fix either. I wasn’t going to wake up one morning and suddenly feel something I never did—desirable. Derek was desirable, he was sexy as hell, kind, and smart. Why would he choose me to be his first anything following a two-year sabbatical?
Essentially, I wanted to know about Derek’s life outside of our conversations. Figure out who he was in the real world. I couldn’t tell from watching old interviews and to be honest, the media coverage was starting to make me nauseous. I couldn’t bear hearing the pleas from him or his parents, witness the anguish in their faces in the early days after Emily’s murder. I felt like a voyeur as I watched his interviews and after a couple obligatory questions about his books, the interviewer would once again hash out the details of Emily’s unsolved murder.
Instead of calling him, I logged onto his website, remembering an event schedule listed there. In two weeks, he would be doing a book signing at a bookseller thirty minutes away from me. I could scope him out, see him in person, and then decide where I wanted this thing with us to go.
Chapter Eleven
In the days leading to the book signing, I couldn’t avoid Derek completely. He had no idea things had changed. I was still A, the mystery girl who had been receiving messages meant for a dead girl. From the start, we were supposed to act like sponsors, another person to rely on when nights got tough. Although the rough nights had been fewer of late. Maybe the reason was because we were both drinking less. An even better thought was we had healed each other in an odd way. At some point, my sad feelings about Jake had all but disappeared. He was a regret best left in the past.
Eventually, I came to realize Derek mentioned Emily less and less. I knew she would always be there, but he wasn’t as vocal about his pain over her loss. I thought with the potential out there of us being more than friends, he felt strange lamenting over his late fiancée.
“Are you going to ever tell me what’s wrong?” Derek asked me about a week before his book signing. He had called me after I got home from the grocery store, while still unloading the food into my refrigerator.
“What do you mean?” I asked, surprised over the question.
“You don’t sound the same. Like you seem on the verge of telling me something important, but something is holding you back.”
I chewed on my thumbnail before answering. For a man who claimed to lack people skills, he was strangely perceptive when it came to me. I knew I should admit everything to him or even ask him outright if he was Derek Walsh.
Not that he could fault me for uncovering his identity; he had done national interviews after all. But then he would have questions back. Of course, he would want to know who I was. But who was I really? I wasn’t anybody—not Alyssa Carter and not Alyssa Carmichael. He probably wouldn’t believe me, but the closest truth was that I was A.
Could seeing him in person answer all the questions I had about him? I convinced myself seeing him in public, around his fans, would provide me with more clarity.
I tuned back to the conversation with Derek. “No, I’m fine. Busy with work, I guess.”
“Did you think about dinner at all?”
“Like what I’m going to have for dinner?”
He laughed over the phone. “As exciting as that sounds to hear about, I was more wondering if you decided about going to dinner with me.”
“On our friend date?”
“Yes, but I wish you wouldn’t call it that. I keep picturing us making BFF bracelets for each other.”
“I’m only calling it a friend date because then we won’t feel weird if nothing else is there…”
He didn’t let me finish. “So, you admit there could be something here.”
“We’re good over the phone, but when you see me, everything changes. You put a face and a…body on our experiences. If you date someone online, you know what she looks like. You see her first and then visualize if you could get naked with her. We did everything backward.” I sighed. I owed him as much honesty as possible.
I was terrified of losing him because of our incompatibilities. Our relationship was simpler when I had no idea what he looked like. I never even visualized him as overly handsome. In my head, he was always average looking. But Derek Walsh was not average looking. He was masculine perfection.
“Is that how I should be looking for a date? Browsing online profiles and picturing each woman naked?” he asked, sounding amused.
“I don’t know, isn’t that a guy thing to do?”
Derek coughed to conceal his laugh. “I’m not sure what to say to that.”
“My point is you may be picturing me right now and I could look entirely different.” If he had been picturing me similar to Emily, he would be sorely disappointed. I was Emily’s antithesis—short to her tall, brown to her bl
ond, curvy to her thin. It wasn’t like I assumed I wasn’t any man’s type, but I was almost sure I wasn’t Derek’s type.
“So could I.” He had a point I couldn’t argue with at the moment. But I doubted he lacked my confidence, not when he was six feet of arrogant sexiness.
“I would like you no matter what,” I answered honestly because I had probably liked him more as D. Although Derek was impossible not to be physically attracted to, I was unsettled by him. Not only was he good-looking, but I also had to get accustomed to the idea he was famous and successful. I wasn’t attracted to his money—the idea he was likely very rich didn’t hold much appeal. Money changed people and usually not in the best of ways.
“Maybe you should give me the benefit of the doubt and assume I’d like you no matter what too.” His words gave me comfort because in spite of all the times I pushed him away, he never gave up on me.
“I’ll meet you…soon,” I hedged.
When we hung up, I could tell he was happy, probably sensing my defenses were coming down. All I wanted was a clear answer, a surefire sign he was worth the risk to my delicate heart.
***
Getting ready for the book signing, I still lacked a game plan. I could approach the day in a hundred different ways. I played out scenarios where I introduced myself as I asked him to sign a copy of his book, but then cringed at the idea. I wasn’t sure if the timing was right.
I dressed casually, deciding that until I was certain about revealing my identity, it’d be best to stay unnoticed. I wore jeans with a yellow T-shirt and sandals. I had to pick a heeled shoe or I’d never be able to see him from the back of the room. Perhaps the best bet would be to slip in, watch him do whatever an author did at a signing, and then head home to figure things out.
When I drove up a few minutes after the event time from the website, the bookstore’s parking lot was close to full. Grabbing my coffee, I then rushed inside to make sure I could squeeze in to see him. I should’ve figured he would draw a crowd. Not only was he a national bestseller, but he was a local author too. His hometown readers were likely to show up to any bookstores he had appearances in.
The Despair of Strangers Page 9