Everything was so goddamn stupid. I’d messed things up with Lydia because I was anxious and afraid; my friendship with Ricky was a one-sided joke; and Maritza and JaKory were always going to be there, but instead of that making me feel safe and comforted, it just made me feel stuck.
I wanted to grow. I wanted to feel like someone different. I wanted to know that my friends and my weekends and my crushes were things I was choosing for myself. But as I sat there in the hot, quiet night, with the self-righteous rage draining out of me, it seemed I was destined to remain the same limited, lifeless person I’d always been.
* * *
That Monday, the Fourth of July, was the worst day of the summer. I woke up with a pit in my stomach, knowing I needed to cancel my plans to go to Lake Lanier with Lydia, Ricky, and the whole crew. I texted Natalie that I’d come down with a freak summer fever and wouldn’t be able to make it. It was a stupid lie, but I knew it didn’t matter; Lydia would have told her what had happened by now, and Ricky would probably make it clear that he wasn’t interested in being my friend anymore.
All morning I tortured myself with visions of how the night could have gone. I pictured Lydia wearing red, white, and blue, her hair tied back like it had been on Saturday night, her eyes reflecting the fireworks. I imagined stealing her away from everyone to kiss her in the dark, and Ricky giving me a knowing grin when we came back holding hands, and the rest of the group embracing us while we ate hot dogs and hamburgers and s’mores.
But instead, I’d be staying home for a playdate my mom had set up for me. A playdate with the two friends who thought I was a loser.
JaKory Green: Are we still coming over tonight? Maritza said y’all had a fight …
I sighed. I wanted nothing more than to be alone, but it felt like more trouble than it was worth to cancel plans with them.
Yeah of course. See you around 6.
* * *
From the moment they got there, I knew I’d made a mistake. Maritza was still acting tentative around me, and her way of dealing with it was to ingratiate herself with my family more than usual. She made a big show out of helping my mom shuck corn as if it was her penance for how she’d talked to me the night before. Meanwhile, JaKory pretended like nothing was wrong, but he kept studying me when he thought I wasn’t looking.
“Stop examining me,” I snapped as we sat on the deck, waiting for the fireworks to start.
“Sorry,” JaKory said, widening his eyes like I was crazy. “You just seem kinda agitated today.”
“I’m not agitated. I’m fine.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
I didn’t miss the loaded look he sent Maritza, but I ignored it and poured myself more lemonade.
“So … I wanted to ask y’all something,” JaKory said a few minutes later. He spread his hands over his knees and hesitated like he was trying to pluck up the nerve for something.
“What?” I prompted.
“Daveon and I have been talking about meeting up…” He bit his lip. “Do you love me enough to drive me to Alabama?”
There was a prolonged pause. I felt Maritza shoot me a look, but I ignored her, staring straight at JaKory.
“Are you serious?” I asked warily.
“Not tonight, obviously,” JaKory said hastily. “We were thinking two weekends from now, on Saturday the twenty-third. His parents are going on a church retreat, so we’d have the house to ourselves.” He paused, his eyes flitting between us. “Please?”
“You’re gonna go spend the whole day with a stranger?” Maritza asked. “In Alabama?”
“He’s not a stranger—”
“You’ve never met him before. You have no proof that he is who he says he is. Or that the connection between you is actually real.”
“That’s why I need y’all to come with me, just in case. You won’t have dance that day, and Codi, I was hoping you could ask off from the store—you’ve worked so much this summer, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. I know it’s a lot to ask, but this might be my only shot.” He clasped his hands together, his eyes pleading. “Come on. Don’t you want this to work? Aren’t you happy for me?”
Neither Maritza nor I answered. Silence swelled around us, heavy on the air.
“Wow, okay,” JaKory said, his tone deadly quiet. “So, let me spell this out … I’m in love with a great guy, but my two best friends don’t give a shit?”
“It’s not real, JaKory!” Maritza said.
“IT IS REAL!” he bellowed. “My feelings are real! God, I’m so tired of you two not listening to me, thinking I’m such a joke all the time!” He rounded on Maritza, his eyes popping. “Is this because it didn’t work out with Rona? Is it, like, a jealousy thing? You wanted so badly for things to be different, for us to have romantic prospects, but only if you got to lead the way, right? And fuck it all if I’m the only one who got anywhere?”
“What? No—”
“And you, Codi, what’s your deal? You’ve been completely absent all summer, working a million hours at that stupid store and barely spending any time with us—”
“I’ve spent time with you!” I said hotly, even though I knew it was hardly true.
“Bullshit. You’re not around, Codi. And when you are, it’s like you’re only half there, just watching without actually participating—”
“I am participating!”
“No, you’re not! And I’ll bet that’s why you’re pissed, right, because I have someone, and Maritza kissed someone, and you’re just slogging away at that stupid store, afraid to put yourself out there and try something new—”
I stood up in a fierce rush, my anger swelling like a tidal wave. “I am trying new things,” I snarled, glaring between the two of them. “Maybe I just haven’t felt like sharing with you guys. And it’s because of this! Because you—you—” I thought wildly of Ricky’s pointed words, his accusations—“You box me in! You don’t let me breathe! You can’t even fathom the idea that I’d want to try something without you! Well, news flash, I’m not some loser you need to drag behind you like some ball and fucking chain. I’ve done plenty of stuff without you this summer, and you know what, I haven’t missed you at all—”
“What are you talking about?!” JaKory said, springing off his chair.
“I’m talking about outgrowing you! I’m talking about not liking who I am with you! You act like I’m the same exact person I was when we were eleven, but guess what, I’m not! And I’m fucking tired of it!”
The deck door swung open. My parents stood motionless on the threshold, staring between us.
“What’s going on?” my mom asked in a scandalized voice.
The three of us stood facing off, breathing fast, unable to hide our anger. I cleared my throat and stared at a spot above my parents.
“What’s going on is that I want Maritza and JaKory to leave,” I said, struggling to maintain my composure.
“What?” my mom said, as if I had just asked for the moon. “What happened?”
None of us answered. The moment stretched on, heavy and tense and irretrievable.
“Fine,” JaKory said finally. “Come on, Maritza, you’re taking me home.”
“JaKory—” she said.
“Don’t,” he said, holding up a hand. “Just drive me home, and then none of us have to talk to each other anymore.”
Maritza hesitated, but she followed JaKory off the deck and past my bewildered parents. JaKory didn’t spare me another glance, but Maritza turned around one more time, the expression on her face something I wouldn’t be able to get out of my head later.
My parents were still standing with their mouths hanging open, looking between me on the deck and my friends walking out of the house. I was shaking, trying not to cry, and staring determinedly at the wooden deck panels.
There was the sound of Maritza’s car starting in the driveway, and a few moments later they were gone.
“Codi,” my mom said softly.
I shook my head and marched past them. M
y brother stood at the kitchen counter with a shocked expression on his face, but I hurried up the stairs and into my bedroom, where I locked the door and fell onto my bed. I cried until the fireworks started up, blasting and crackling somewhere high above me.
16
The next few days were a slow, dragging weight. I felt like I’d been sprinting for weeks, fueled by adrenaline and novelty and giddiness, and now I was crashing hard. For a while there I’d actually thought I was becoming someone new, that I was creating another social and emotional landscape in my small, compressed world, but now I could see that it had all been a short-lived, bound-to-burst dream, and that I was the one who had killed it.
Summer felt markedly different now. It was always different after the Fourth of July, when the new school year loomed much closer, but now it was also emptier, more drawn out, more depressing. I could feel the school year crawling closer and knew it would be exactly the same as it had always been. Being a senior wouldn’t make me any different or more real. It might even be worse than the past three years, because now I might be going into it without my two best friends.
“What happened, though, honey?” my mom asked for the millionth time that week. “I’ve never seen you three fight like that.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But Codi, they’re your best friends,” she said gently. “They’re practically a part of the family.”
I didn’t want to tell her the truth: that the three of us hadn’t spoken to each other in days, that JaKory had been posting emo poems on Tumblr, that I couldn’t help worrying about Maritza going back to face Rona without her parents or JaKory or me by her side.
And, more than anything, that I’d never felt so lonely.
“I guess these things happen,” Mom sighed. Then she turned businesslike. “Okay, let’s talk about anniversary weekend. Dad and I leave next Saturday morning, which means you’re going to be in charge. I need you to make sure your brother gets to wherever he needs to go … He mentioned something about Darin’s house…”
I tuned her out. Grant’s social life was the last thing I needed to hear about right then.
* * *
A week after my fight with Maritza and JaKory, I woke up early and lay in my bed for a while. The sound of a lawn mower outside made everything feel so mundane and ordinary. I felt like there was no energy in my body, like the muscles and veins and blood flow weren’t working properly. It was a feat just to drag myself down to the kitchen for a bagel.
My brother was there, eating ravioli out of a cereal bowl, wearing a faded T-shirt that didn’t fit him anymore. I hid my face and set about toasting a bagel. For a moment, it was just the two of us breathing in the empty kitchen.
“Are you trying to burn your bagel?”
I looked up at the sound of Grant’s voice. “What?”
“It’s been in there too long.”
I popped the toasting button up; sure enough, my bagel had started to blacken around the edges.
“Oh,” I said dazedly. “Thanks.”
Grant’s fork clanked against his bowl. “Mom’s worried about you,” he said with his mouth full.
His tone was casual, matter-of-fact, like he was telling me it might rain that day. I kept my back turned to him, scraping cream cheese onto my bagel. “Why?”
“Because you screamed your head off at Maritza and JaKory, and now you’re just moping around doing nothing.” He burped and kept talking with his mouth full. “Dad says you’re just being a moody teenager.”
I tried to say I was fine, that Grant should mind his own business, but the words got stuck in my throat.
“Why’d you get so mad at them, anyway?” Grant asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Are you in a bad mood because you got in that fight with your boyfriend?”
I whipped around as if our parents might be there, even though I knew they were at work. “He’s not my boyfriend,” I growled. “And it’s none of your business.”
Grant narrowed his eyes. “I picked up that popcorn for you, remember?”
“So? What, you did me a favor and now I owe you an explanation for everything in my life?”
“No,” he huffed, his voice cracking a bit, “but I got that popcorn for you and I didn’t tell anyone about it, and I haven’t told Mom and Dad any of the times when you’ve said you were going out with Maritza and JaKory but you’re actually going out with that guy in the truck—”
“Why are you always spying on me?” I asked shrilly.
“My window looks out over the driveway!” he said, abandoning his ravioli. “I can’t help it if I see you sneaking out all the time!”
“I’m not ‘sneaking out’—”
“I haven’t ratted you out to anyone, Codi, not even one time.”
My brother had a fierce look in his eyes, but there was something deeper coming across, too: He seemed hurt, disappointed, like he was trying to keep himself from wanting something. I stood still, watching him, both of us breathing hard.
What was the harm in telling my brother, really? I’d lost everything already, so what did it matter if I confided those losses in him?
“Fine,” I said. “What do you want to know?”
He looked cautious, like I might be pulling a trick on him.
“Grant,” I said shortly. “What do you want to know?”
He leaned back on his stool, almost like we were having a casual catch-up session, but I noticed he’d crossed his arms tighter. “Who’s that guy?” he asked. “How do you know him?”
“His name is Ricky, he’s my friend and nothing more, and I met him at a party.”
Grant’s eyes widened. “You went to a party?”
I looked away, avoiding the question.
“Maritza and JaKory don’t know him, right?”
“No,” I admitted, “they don’t.”
“Why not?”
I shook my head, wondering how to answer something I was still trying to articulate for myself. “I just needed something for myself, something they weren’t a part of.”
Grant was silent for a long moment.
“What?” I asked. “You think I’m a terrible person?”
“No,” he said evenly, “I think it makes sense.”
“It does?”
“Yeah,” he said, like it was obvious. “Maritza and JaKory think they know everything about you, and sometimes about me, but they don’t.”
I watched my brother curiously. “Yeah.”
“Why did you fight with him? Ricky? You both looked pissed when he dropped you off last time. I thought you had broken up.”
“I told you, he’s not—”
“I know, I know, sorry.”
“We had a fight about … about him not trusting me. He always wants me to tell him stuff about me, but he won’t tell me anything about him.”
“That sucks,” Grant said, like he was really trying to relate to me. “And it’s not fair, ’cause you’re probably just asking because you want to know him better.”
“Exactly,” I said, and the moment I uttered the word, it hit me what Grant was saying. I wasn’t even sure he meant for me to read into it, and maybe he wouldn’t have wanted me to, but all the same, I was standing there across from my little brother and realizing I had kept him even further away than Ricky tried to keep me.
“You’ll fix the fight,” Grant said, oblivious to the guilt I was feeling. “Whenever my friends and I fight, we just walk some laps to cool off, say we’re sorry, and get back to our game.”
“Yeah,” I said, still reeling. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“But why are you mad at Maritza and JaKory? What did they do?”
“I—I don’t know.”
“Are they your best friends still? Or is Ricky your new best friend?”
“I don’t know,” I said again, feeling hollow.
“Man. I mean, Maritza and JaKory can be really annoying sometimes, b
ut I can’t imagine them not being around anymore. They’ve been, like, a part of me growing up.”
I laughed unexpectedly. “What?”
“They have been,” Grant said earnestly. “I’ve known them since I was in third grade. Maritza helped me with my science fair project, remember?”
“Yeah. I remember.” I paused, and now my heart started drumming hard. “Grant? Don’t you think Maritza and JaKory and I are kind of—losers?”
“Losers? Who said you were losers?”
I shrugged but didn’t elaborate; my heart was still pounding and I knew I was burning red.
Grant averted his eyes. “I don’t know, Codi. When I was little it felt like everyone just did what they wanted with the friends they liked to hang out with. But now it feels like there’s this pressure to do different stuff.” He shrugged. “I always thought maybe you just didn’t feel like that. You had your two best friends that you’d known forever, so you were able to keep doing the things that made you happy.”
I let that settle into me, feeling out whether it was true. “Yeah…” I said slowly, “but maybe I’m trying to figure out other things that make me happy, too.”
Grant nodded. “Yeah.”
I met his eyes briefly. “I’ll ask Ricky what kind of truck he has. Maybe he can give you a ride sometime, if you want.”
“Yeah,” Grant said casually. “Cool.”
We lapsed into silence, finishing our breakfast, until Grant got up and dropped his bowl in the sink.
* * *
My heart felt calmer after that conversation with my brother. It was weird, really, because it was a pretty simple conversation, but in the hours and days that followed, it was like a missing piece slid into place.
I texted Ricky to ask if we could meet up and talk, but he said he was at his college orientation. I’d completely forgotten about that, and it was almost jarring to hear it, like a reminder that summer was such a transitory thing. I pictured Ricky walking around the University of Georgia campus with new friends and a new class schedule, and I felt happy and sad at the same time.
Late to the Party Page 19