I tried, I really, really, did. But I failed to keep the inflection from my tone when I said the woman’s name.
I knew just how unsuccessful I’d been when Max smiled.
“Anaya.”
That was all he said, just her name like it meant something to him and it should mean something to me. The pancakes from this morning were sitting in my stomach like a brick, threatening to make a reappearance.
That’s when I knew with a hundred-percent certainty last night had been a huge mistake. I was jealous and I couldn’t hide it.
“Yeah, her. But you can’t—”
“We don’t know how long we’ll be staying at the house. Liam’s six and Elijah’s four. They’re gonna be bored outta their heads sittin’ around a house they’re not allowed to leave. I asked my teammate, Kyle, to ask his fiancée if she had time if she could run to the mall, or wherever the hell it is women buy shit, and pick up some stuff to keep the boys occupied. I didn’t ask her to go all-out and fill the house to overflowing, but I also didn’t give her direction other than for her to pick up Liam a train set, Elijah that stuffed animal he keeps talking about, and that book they like for you to read them. So, it’s a crapshoot what the house will look like. There might be just those three things, it might look like Christmas morning times ten. I have no clue. What I do know is, there’s enough shit swirling around those two, enough change and traveling that if I can give them a few things or a lot of things to fill their minds and make this a little easier for them—hate to say it because it’s gonna piss you off, but I don’t give a shit if it makes you mad.”
I’d pretty much stopped paying attention to everything Max had said after the stuffed animal and book part. I couldn’t believe Max had paid attention enough to see my kid was sad he’d lost his favorite toy. I also figured it’d be a miracle if anyone could find the stuffed parrot Blu from Eli’s favorite movie, Rio.
Wet hit my eyes and I didn’t try to hide my gratitude at his thoughtfulness.
“Thank you.”
“Babe.”
“Really, Max, thank you for that. Elijah’s upset Blu’s gone. I know it might be silly, but he’s slept with that parrot nearly every night of his life. It means a lot to me that you saw he was upset and you tried to do something to ease that for him. I’m sorry I was bitchy about it. But it’s not lost on me I can’t give my kids nice hotels and dinners. And I might be able to pull off a few extra toys for them to have at the safehouse, but I could never give them Christmas, let alone Christmas times ten. Part of it is I’m jealous I can’t do that for my boys. The other part is I don’t want them getting used to it, because they’ll be disappointed in the future when they don’t get it from me. And part of it is, I feel like shit you’re spending your money on them when we’re nothing more than three strangers and a job that will be over in a few days.
“But even with all of that, I want you to know I’m beyond grateful for how cool you’re being to them. They haven’t had a lot of good in their lives and they’ve never had a man do anything that was kind. So thank you for that, too. I promise you that I won’t let them forget your generosity. They’ll remember that there are men out there who are good and strong and protective, men that they should be like when they get older.”
“Christ,” Max grunted.
“Max?”
“You have no idea.” His voice sounded low and rough—full of gravel and grit—the tone he used when he was pounding into me.
“No clue about what?”
“How deep you cut me when you’re being open and honest. You have no clue that when you say shit like that to me, whisper my name, give me your fears, I wish I was a different man. I wish I was a clean slate, free of the lessons I’ve learned. I wish I could be the man you’ll eventually find and I’m jealous of some asshole that’s nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Because when he finds you, and you give him what you just gave me, he’s gonna rightfully hand you the world. And I wish like hell I could be that man.”
I sucked in a breath so deep I was surprised there was any oxygen left. But no one had fallen over dead from suffocation and Max continued.
“The three of you are not strangers. You’re not just a job, though it’s important you know I’m taking the threat against you seriously and I will not let anything harm you or the boys. But you aren’t that, Eva, you’re a fuck of a lot more.”
Now I thought I was the one who was going to fall over dead from suffocation because I wasn’t breathing at all. My heart was hammering in my chest, my lungs were burning, and my head was filled with a yearning that wasn’t healthy.
I didn’t want Max to want to be the man he thought I’d eventually find. Mostly because he’d flat-out said he’d never actually be that man and that hurt someplace deep inside. But him saying he wanted to be, but in the next moment taking it back, killing the dream, hurt worse.
And lastly, I knew I’d never find a man to spend my life with. I had two boys I had to raise into men. I needed to mend the pain my bad choices had caused them and find some slice of peace for myself. Those efforts wouldn’t allow me to ever find a partner. I was destined to be alone, and until Max had said what he’d said, I was okay with that.
Now my head was filled with garbage.
Some of it had to do with the sex. Some had to do with the fact I plainly just liked Max. Some had to do with the kindness he’d shone a woman who didn’t deserve it. Some of it was how he was with my boys.
None of it mattered.
All of it was just junk filling my head with the stupid idea I could have something that I couldn’t.
Max would never be mine.
Not ever.
And that didn’t hurt, it destroyed me.
Chapter 18
Anaya didn’t go a little overboard. She went crazy.
Elijah had fallen asleep in the car about an hour ago. This was after driving for six hours and stopping to get dinner. The TVs in the headrest were a godsend and had kept the boys occupied. Unfortunately, that meant there was a whole lot of silence during the drive.
Eva had damn near shut down. She gave one word answers when she could, would hum her agreement, and grunt her negative responses to any questions I asked.
This should’ve been good. I needed to distance myself from her, and not getting to know her any better was a great way to do just that. However, the quiet gave me too much time to think my fucked-up thoughts. What it didn’t do was give me time to sort myself.
I used the hours in the car to ponder all the reasons why I was the way I was. I’d gone all the way back to the beginning and started wondering what in the hell was so broken in my mother that she loved an abusive dick more than her own child. I would never know because I’d never asked. But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she’d given me up into foster care instead of leaving my dad and keeping me.
I was an unlovable burden.
Then I deliberated what was so wrong with me that my aunt and uncle couldn’t love me. Sure, they’d taken me in. Not because I was the son of my aunt’s sister, but because they got money each month for my care. I was just a kid, but I remember the conversation clearly. They did not hide that shit from me and straight out asked how much money they’d receive. My dad was loaded after all, so they hit paydirt. They did not use that money to take care of me. They didn’t even use it to move into a better home in a nicer neighborhood. They didn’t save it for my college education. They bought me the bare minimum and they bought themselves cars, clothes, and vacations I was not welcome to attend. And the money had afforded them babysitters. Which I spent a good amount of time with so they could go to fancy dinners to wear their nice clothes and take their trips.
I was an unlovable meal-ticket.
By the time my thoughts went to Pam and her bullshit, I was no closer to figuring out why not a single person in my life could love me.
Therefore, it was me who was broken, damaged, and not good enough.
/> I was the common denominator.
And even if I wanted to fix myself—which I didn’t—so a woman could give herself to me, I didn’t have the first clue how to do it.
The fuck of it was, I’d never really contemplated my life so thoroughly.
I just went through life protecting myself, not trusting anyone to get close.
But it wasn’t until I watched Eva lean into the back seat, unbuckle Eli from his car seat, and carry him into the house that I wondered if I’d missed out on something.
Was there more to life?
It was with those thoughts that I opened the front door of the safehouse and saw no less than twenty bags piled in the middle of the room, that I realized I had no idea what Christmas times ten meant, because I’d never had a real Christmas.
Yeah, fuck yeah, I’d missed out on a lot.
After Eva had laid Elijah down and Liam had changed into pajamas, both mother and son had come back into the living room. My eyes went from the bags Anaya had dropped off to Liam’s eyes, then up to Eva’s. I couldn’t read either of their expressions.
“What’s all that?”
“I asked a friend to pick up some stuff for you and your brother,” I started.
“That’s for us?”
“Yeah, but before you tear into anything, your mom needs to go through it and make sure it’s okay for you to have.”
That was the right thing to say, right?
I thought it was, giving Eva the final say on what the boys got to keep, but she kept her face completely blank.
“Mom?”
“That’s a lot of stuff, sweetheart. We’ll go through it in the morning. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up. We won’t be here all that long, so I don’t think we need all…” Eva’s hand swept out, motioning to the bags. “That.”
It was then I understood what she’d meant about disappointment—Liam’s face fell and I wanted to kick my own ass for not talking to Eva about my plan first, then for not giving Anaya a limit. Not that it was her fault—she’d done what I’d asked and got some shit for the boys. It was my fault completely I hadn’t put a cap on that.
“It looks like there’s some clothes in some of the bags, too,” I tried to defend.
“Right,” Eva mumbled. “It’s been a long day, why don’t we head back to the bedroom and lie down? There’s a TV in there you can watch for a bit.”
Liam nodded his easy acceptance then turned to me. “Thanks again for dinner.”
“You’re welcome, kid. Sleep tight.”
“You’ll…um… you’ll be here in the morning?”
“Yep. I’ll be here.”
“Night, Max.”
“Night, bud.”
Eva didn’t say anything as she walked away, which actually said more than I wanted to admit. I’d totally fucked up.
Damn.
I pulled out my phone and called Kyle.
“You there?” he asked when he picked up.
“Yeah. Just wanted to call to check in and say thanks for sending Anaya out.”
“She was worried she got too much, but she also knew they didn’t have anything, since everything they brought with them was in the car. She said there’s some clothes and toiletries and shit for the kids and for Eva. Shoes, too, but she had to guess on the sizes.”
Well, that explained why there were so many bags.
“She did great, I appreciate it.”
“We figured we’d come over there tomorrow at ten. Didn’t want you to have to leave the house, but there’s a lot to go over.”
“Might be a lot for the boys. Elijah, the youngest, is shy and extremely timid. And Liam’s not far from that but more watchful. Let me talk to Eva later tonight if she’s still awake after she gets Liam down. Then we’ll talk to the kids in the morning and feel them out. Eli’s finally coming around and talking to me. I don’t want to have a setback with him. And, fuck, Liam’s been through a lot and the last two days, he’s been cooped up in a car. We’re gonna have to play that by ear.”
That was met with silence and it stretched long enough I called out, “Kyle?”
“Yeah, right. Just call us in the morning.”
“Who’s got the first shift watching the house?”
“Dec. He rolled out of here five minutes ago. Should be circling the block by now.”
“Right. I’ll call him.”
“Glad you’re back. Hope I get to meet Eva and the boys tomorrow.”
Kyle disconnected and I dismissed his weird as hell comment about meeting Eva and the kids. Instead, I dialed Declan.
“Hey,” Dec greeted. “I’m just coming on your block now. I’m gonna do a drive-by, get the lay of the land. Then I was gonna call you so you don’t shoot my ass when I do a walk-around.”
“Before you do that, knock on the door.”
“Everything okay?”
Fuck, no, everything is not okay.
“Yep. Just want a face-to-face. Kyle mentioned everyone coming over tomorrow. Want to talk to you about that.”
“Give me five.”
“Copy that.”
I hung up the call and pocketed my phone just as Eva was walking back into the living room.
“Liam asleep already?” I asked.
“No, he’s thirsty. I was gonna check the kitchen.”
Those nine words were the most she’d said to me in hours. But they were said in a way that was devoid of emotion.
“Everything all right?”
“Just a lot on my mind.”
At least that was honest and she didn’t shut me out, lie and tell me she was fine when she damn well wasn’t.
“Listen, my team wants to come over here in the morning. I told them I needed to talk to you about that first.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want Liam and Eli to be scared. Brooks, Thad, Kyle, and Declan are…” Damn, how did I describe my team? “They can be, shit, Eva, I don’t know. They’re all big men. My size and bigger. Eli was freaked out when he met me, I don’t know how he’ll react to four strange men in the house. And Declan, he can be gruff, not to mention, he’s got a scar across his neck. One look at him and Liam might take you and his brother and try to make a run for it.”
Eva’s teeth scored her bottom lip, her brows creased, and her crazy-beautiful yellowish eyes held mine. But she remained silent.
“What are you thinking about?”
“They’re your friends.”
“Yeah, they are. They’re all good men—”
“They’re your friends,” she repeated. “So of course they’re good men. I trust you.”
I felt that statement in my gut, my chest, and for some unexplainable reason, in my dick.
“You trust me?”
“Well, yeah, of course I do.”
“What does that have to do with my team coming over?”
“It means I trust that you wouldn’t put my kids in danger. I’ll talk to Eli and Liam and explain that your friends are coming over. They’ll both be wary, because that’s how they are. But they’ll be okay. It will take time for them to warm up like it did with you, but if your friends are patient, it will happen.”
Yeah, I’d totally missed out on life, but I didn’t want to miss out on Eva. I wasn’t sure what that meant in the long run, but in the here and now, I wanted more of her.
“Tell me what happened in the car.”
“Huh?”
“The car, babe. After you rightfully laid me out about not talking to you before asking Anaya to buy shit for the boys.”
“I didn’t lay you out,” she argued. What she didn’t do was tell me why she’d grown quiet, then shut me out for seven hours.
“Yeah, Eva, you did. And you did it in a way that cut me to the quick. What you didn’t do was throw a shit hemorrhage or be a bitch. You laid it out for me and I want you to know, I heard you. And now, seeing all these bags and Liam’s expression when he saw them, I understand where you were coming from. It wasn’t cool of me
to go around you and not ask. It won’t happen again. Anaya’s a good woman. Her heart was in the right place. I talked to Kyle and he said there’s clothes, shoes, and shower shit in there, too. But she’d worried she went overboard.”
“I wasn’t mad about the toys,” Eva murmured.
“Then why’d you pull into yourself?”
“I…um…”
There was a light tap on the front door. Eva’s body jerked before she went solid, and her eyes widened in fear.
“That’s just Declan,” I told her.
Eva nodded but still looked unsure.
“I wish like fuck I knew what’s been on your mind,” I muttered as I walked to the front door.
“What?”
“Nothing I want more than to pull you into my arms and wash that fear away,” I stopped and told her. “But without knowing where you’re at, I shouldn’t touch you.”
I left her standing where she was, put my hand to my hip, unholstered my weapon, and checked the peephole just as Dec tapped again.
I unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door.
“That was fast.”
“Street’s dead,” Declan explained. “Thought we’d do a walk-around, then I’d circle the block.”
I stepped away from the door, allowing Declan to enter, and open holstered my gun when the door was shut and locked.
I followed Declan’s gaze across the room. Eva was where I left her—no less tense.
“So, you’re Eva,” Dec drawled and walked farther into the room.
And just like she did the first time I met her, Eva’s armor clicked into place. Gone was any trace of fear—she stood taller, her hands balled into fists at her sides, and her mask of indifference replaced her soft features I’d grown accustomed to.
I hated it.
Clearly, Eva had no idea her attitude and posture gave away just how insecure and unsure she was.
“And you’re Declan,” she returned.
Dec glanced at me then back to Eva. The man was no dummy, he saw it, too. She was afraid of him, maybe not physically, but emotionally he could decimate her.
“Your kids settling in okay?” he asked.
And as if Declan’s question conjured up the boy, Liam appeared in the hall.
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