by Suetonius
31. He also used openly to complain about the state of affairs in his time, because there were no public disasters to set the age apart. The principate of Augustus was made famous by the Varian massacre, that of Tiberius by the fall of the amphitheater at Fidenae; but his own threatened to fall into oblivion because of its general prosperity. Over and over he wished for military massacres, famine, plague, fires, or a major earthquake.
32. Even when he was relaxing and given over to gaming and feasting, he showed the same savagery in actions and words. Interrogations by torture were often held in his presence when he was eating or reveling; a soldier skilled in decapitation would cut the heads off anyone who was being held prisoner. At the dedication of the bridge at Puteoli, which was planned by him as we have already mentioned, he invited many men from the shore to join him and then suddenly threw them overboard; with poles and oars he drove down into the sea those who had grabbed onto the rudders of ships.13
(2) At a public banquet in Rome, when a slave was caught stripping the silver plating off the dining couches, Caligula immediately turned him over to the executioner, with orders to cut off his hands and dangle them from his neck in front of his chest and to lead him around the groups of diners with a sign in front stating the reason for his punishment.
When a gladiator from the training school was fencing with him using wooden weapons and then deliberately threw himself to the ground, Caligula stabbed him with an iron dagger and ran around with a palm branch like those who have won in the games.
(3) A sacrificial victim was brought to the altar. Caligula, wearing the get-up of an assistant priest, raised the mallet high and slew the man who was to perform the sacrifice.
At a fancy dinner party he suddenly burst into wild laughter and when the consuls, who were reclining next to him, politely asked him why he was laughing, he said: “For no reason, except that with a single nod I could immediately have both of you executed.”
33. Here is an example of his humor: standing by a statue of Jupiter, he asked the tragic actor Apelles which of them seemed to him bigger. When Apelles hesitated, he tore him apart in a flogging, and as the man begged for mercy, Caligula from time to time praised his voice, saying that even in his groaning it was delightful. Whenever he kissed the neck of his wife or girlfriend, he would say: “Such a beautiful neck! It will be severed whenever I give the word.” He even would occasionally toss around the threat of torturing his beloved Caesonia to find out why he loved her so much.
34. He attacked mankind of practically every period of history with as much envy and nastiness as arrogance and savagery. He knocked down statues of famous men moved by Augustus to the Field of Mars from the Capitoline sanctuary because of overcrowding there. Indeed, he broke them into pieces, so that it was impossible to restore them with their inscriptions intact. From that time forward he also would not allow a statue or portrait of anybody to be set up unless he was consulted and approved it.
(2) He even thought about destroying Homer’s poems, saying: “Why aren’t I allowed to do the same as Plato, who kicked Homer out of the republic he was establishing?” He came similarly close to removing the writings and busts of Vergil and Titus Livy from all the libraries. He complained that the former had no talent and was poorly educated, while the latter was verbose in his history, and careless. As for the lawyers, he said that he would destroy the fruits of all their learning and often threatened: “By Hercules! I’ll make it so that they can’t answer anything without going through me.”
35. He took away from all the nobles the ancient insignia of their families—from Torquatus the collar, from Cincinnatus the lock of hair, and from Gnaeus Pompeius the name of “the Great” that belonged to his earlyforebears.14 Although he summoned Ptolemy (about whom I wrote above) from his kingdom and received him with respect, he suddenly killed him, for no other reason than, when putting on a show, he noticed that as Ptolemy took his seat, he caused everyone’s head to turn by the brightness of his purple cloak. (2) Whenever handsome men with good hair came his way, he would shave the backs of their heads to disfigure them. There was a man named Aesius Proculus, son of a centurion of the first rank, who because of his imposing physique and fine looks was called Colosseros.15 Caligula dragged him from his seat without warning, forced him into the arena, and paired him first with a Thracian gladiator, then a heavy-armed combatant. Colosseros won both times, and Caligula ordered him to be tied up at once, dressed in rags, led through the neighborhoods of Rome, shown to the women, and then murdered.
(3) In short, no matter how bad a man’s circumstances or low his fortune, Caligula still begrudged him whatever advantages he did enjoy. To take on the King of Nemi, who had held that priesthood for many years, he secretly enlisted a much stronger opponent.16 Another time, at the games, a gladiator named Porius who fought from a chariot received enthusiastic applause for freeing a slave after a victorious match. Caligula rushed out of the seating area so fast, he tripped on his toga and went tumbling down the steps. Seething with anger, he shouted out: “The people who are the masters of the world show more respect to a gladiator for the flimsiest thing than to the deified emperors or to the one in their midst, me!”
50. His stature was tall, his coloring pale, and his body large, except that his neck and legs were very thin. He had hollow temples and eyes, and a wide, grim brow. On his head he had little hair, on his crown none, but otherwise he was hirsute. It was, therefore, considered a fatal crime to look down on him from a superior height as he walked by or for any reason whatsoever to speak of a goat. His countenance, naturally scary and hideous, he purposely made more awful; working with a mirror, he contorted his features to cause complete terror and fright.
(2) Neither his physical nor mental health was good. As a boy, he suffered from epilepsy. When he reached manhood, he was able to put up with hardships fairly well; sometimes, though, he would suddenly feel faint and would barely be able to walk, stand, collect his thoughts, and support his weight. He himself was aware of his mental illness and he sometimes thought of withdrawing to cure his head. He is believed to have been given a love potion by Caesonia which actually drove him mad.
(3) He was especially disturbed by insomnia. He could rest for no more than three hours at night, nor was it a calm rest but a disturbing one, full of strange visions. He once imagined, for example, that the ocean was talking to him. And so, weary of lying awake, for much of the night he would now sit up in his bed, now wander through long corridors, again and again calling on dawn and waiting for it to come.
51. I feel fully justified in attributing to mental illness two very different faults in the same person: overwhelming confidence and, on the other hand, excessive fear. For although he claimed to despise the gods, at the smallest burst of thunder and clap of lightning he would shut his eyes and cover his head, and, if it was bigger than that, he would jump out of the covers and hide underneath his bed. During his trip to Sicily, although he poked a great deal of fun at the wonders there, he suddenly fled from Messana, at night, terrified by the smoke and the rumbling coming out of the top of Etna.
(2) Likewise, he made the biggest threats again the barbarians—yet when he was traveling in a chariot across the Rhine in a narrow pass with soldiers all around, and somebody said that there would be great trouble if the enemy appeared anywhere, Caligula immediately mounted a horse. He swiftly returned to the bridges, and, when he saw that they were packed with porters and baggage, in frustration at the delay he had himself passed by hand over the men’s heads.
(3) At a later time, when a rebellion in Germany was reported, he started preparing to escape and was gathering a fleet for the purpose. The only thing that calmed him down was the thought that at least the overseas provinces would remain, if the victors should seize the heights of the Alps, as the Cimbri had, or even the city of Rome, as the Senones once did. This, I suppose, was what later gave the assassins the idea of falsely telling Caligula’s soldiers who were mutinying that he had been fright
ened by the report of a military defeat and taken his own life.
52. When it came to clothing, shoes, and the rest of his attire, he never wore anything suitable for a Roman citizen, or for a man, or even for a human being. He often appeared in public in coats that were finely embroidered and studded with jewels, wearing a long-sleeved tunic and bracelets. Sometimes he was in silk and a woman’s dress. Now he would be in Greek sandals or an actor’s shoes, now in army boots, now in women’s slippers. He often sported a beard made of gold and would hold a thunderbolt or trident or caduceus, insignia of the gods. He even was seen dressed up as Venus. He frequently wore the attire of a triumphing general—even before the military expedition had taken place—and sometimes the breastplate of Alexander the Great, retrieved from that man’s sarcophagus.17
53. Of the liberal arts, he focused little on the study of literature but a great deal on public speaking. He was very quick and clever, especially when it came to having the last word against somebody. If he was angry, words and phrases came easily, as did good delivery and a strong voice—so much so that, because of his excitement, he could not remain in the same place and was heard by those standing far away. (2) When about to attack somebody, he threatened to draw the sword of his nighttime toils. He despised the gentler, smoother style of speaking so much that he said that Seneca, then at the height of his popularity, was composing mere school exercises: he was sand without lime.18
He also made a habit of writing rebuttals of the speeches of orators that were successful, and composing prosecutions and defenses of important men on trial in the Senate; he spoke in support of or against somebody in accordance with how easily his pen had flowed. By edict he summoned the equestrian order to come listen to him as well.
54. He also practiced with the greatest enthusiasm other sorts of arts that were quite different from one another. He was a gladiator of the Thracian type and a charioteer, a singer and a dancer; he fought with combat weapons; he drove chariots in racetracks set up in many places. So carried away was he by the pleasure he took in singing and dancing, that not even at public performances could he refrain from singing along with the tragedian as he performed or from openly making the actor’s gestures—ostensibly to praise or to correct him. (2) On the day on which he died, he had ordered an all-night festival, purely it seems to take advantage of the freedom offered by the occasion and make his debut on the stage. Sometimes he even danced at night. And once, he summoned three men of consular rank during the second watch of the night to the Palatine. They arrived in a state of extreme fear, he put them onto the stage, and then, with a sudden clattering of castanets and flutes, he sprang forth dressed in a women’s cloak and a tunic that went to his ankles, danced one number, and left. Yet this man, so apt a pupil in everything else, did not know how to swim.
55. Those he took a fondness to he favored to the point of insanity. He would kiss Mnester the dancer even in the middle of his performances, and if anybody criticized the man’s dancing, even gently, Caligula ordered him to be dragged away and would personally beat him. When an equestrian was making a disturbance, Caligula sent him orders, through a centurion, to leave without delay for Ostia and to take a letter he had written to King Ptolemy in Mauretania. The upshot of it was: “To the bearer of this letter do neither good nor harm.” (2) He put some Thracian-style gladiators in charge of the German bodyguards. He cut back the weaponry of the murmillones.19 When a gladiator named Columbus won his match, yet was lightly wounded, Caligula added into the cut some poison, which from then on was called “Columbine.” At least, a poison with this label, written in his own hand, was found along with his others.
He was so slavishly devoted to the Greens that he was always dining in their stable and staying there; at a banquet he once gave 2,000,000 sesterces as a party favor to their driver Eutychus.20 (3) So that his racehorse Incitatus would not be disturbed on the day before games, he would send his soldiers to enforce silence on the neighborhood. In addition to a marble stable and an ivory manger, purple covers and collars of jewels, Caligula also gave the horse a house, slaves, and furniture so that guests invited in Incitatus’ name would be entertained more sumptuously. It is even said that he planned to make him consul. (Gaius Caligula 22–35 and 50–55)
“I wish the Roman people had a single neck!” Caligula once cried out, in anger. He, of course, did. On the 24th of January A.D. 41, the last day of the Palatine Games held each year in honor of Augustus, Caligula was assassinated by members of his Praetorian Guard. The lead part in the conspiracy was taken by Cassius Chaerea, a tough old officer taunted by Caligula as effeminate (Chaerea had a surprisingly soft voice). The emperor’s nasty jokes had finally caught up with him.
22. Hactenus quasi de principe, reliqua ut de monstro narranda sunt.
Compluribus cognominibus adsumptis—nam et pius et castrorum filius et pater exercituum et optimus maximus Caesar uocabatur—cum audiret forte reges, qui officii causa in urbem aduenerant, concertantis apud se super cenam de nobilitate generis, exclamauit:
εἷς κοίρανος ἔστω, εἷς βασιλεύς.
nec multum afuit quin statim diadema sumeret speciemque principatus in regni formam conuerteret. (2) uerum admonitus et principum et regum se excessisse fastigium, diuinam ex eo maiestatem asserere sibi coepit; datoque negotio, ut simulacra numinum religione et arte praeclara, inter quae Olympii Iouis, apportarentur e Graecia, quibus capite dempto suum imponeret, partem Palatii ad forum usque promouit, atque aede Castoris et Pollucis in uestibulum transfigurata, consistens saepe inter fratres deos, medium adorandum se adeuntibus exhibebat; et quidam eum Latiarem Iouem consalutarunt. (3) templum etiam numini suo proprium et sacerdotes et excogitatissimas hostias instituit. in templo simulacrum stabat aureum iconicum amiciebaturque cotidie ueste, quali ipse uteretur. magisteria sacerdotii ditissimus quisque et ambitione et licitatione maxima uicibus comparabant. hostiae erant phoenicopteri, pauones, tetraones, numidicae, meleagrides, phasianae, quae generatim per singulos dies immolarentur. (4) et noctibus quidem plenam fulgentemque lunam inuitabat assidue in amplexus atque concubitum, interdiu uero cum Capitolino Ioue secreto fabulabatur, modo insusurrans ac praebens in uicem aurem, modo clarius nec sine iurgiis. nam uox comminantis audita est:
ἤ μ᾽ ἀνάειρ᾽ ἢ ἐγὼ σέ,
donec exoratus, ut referebat, et in contubernium ultro inuitatus super templum Diui Augusti ponte transmisso Palatium Capitoliumque coniunxit. mox, quo propior esset, in area Capitolina nouae domus fundamenta iecit.
23. Agrippae se nepotem neque credi neque dici ob ignobilitatem eius uolebat suscensebatque, si qui uel oratione uel carmine imaginibus eum Caesarum insererent. praedicabat autem matrem suam ex incesto, quod Augustus cum Iulia filia admisisset, procreatam; ac non contentus hac Augusti insectatione Actiacas Si[n]culasque uictorias, ut funestas p. R. et calamitosas, uetuit sollemnibus feriis celebrari. (2) Liuiam Augustam proauiam Vlixem stolatum identidem appellans, etiam ignobilitatis quadam ad senatum epistula arguere ausus est quasi materno auo decurione Fundano ortam, cum publicis monumentis certum sit, Aufidium Lurconem Romae honoribus functum. auiae Antoniae secretum petenti denegauit, nisi ut interueniret Macro praefectus, ac per istius modi indignitates et taedia causa extitit mortis, dato tamen, ut quidam putant, et ueneno; nec defunctae ullum honorem habuit prospexitque e triclinio ardentem rogum. (3) fratrem Tiberium inopinantem repente immisso tribuno militum interemit Silanum item socerum ad necem secandasque nouacula fauces compulit, causatus in utroque, quod hic ingressum se turbatius mare non esset secutus ac spe occupandi urbem, si quid sibi per tempestates accideret, remansisset, ille antidotum obol[e]uisset, quasi ad praecauenda uenena sua sumptum, cum et Silanus inpatientiam nauseae uitasset et molestiam nauigandi, et Tiberius propter assiduam et ingrauescentem tussim medicamento usus esset. nam Claudium patruum non nisi in ludibrium reseruauit.
24. Cum omnibus sororibus suis consuetudinem stupri fecit plenoque conuiuio singulas infra se uicissim conlocabat uxore supra cubante. ex iis Drusillam
uitiasse uirginem praetextatus adhuc creditur atque etiam in concubitu eius quondam deprehensus ab Antonia auia, apud quam simul educabantur; mox Lucio Cassio Longino consulari conlocatam abduxit et in modum iustae uxoris propalam habuit; heredem quoque bonorum atque imperii aeger instituit. (2) eadem defuncta iustitium indixit, in quo risisse lauisse cenasse cum parentibus aut coniuge liberisue capital fuit. ac maeroris impatiens, cum repente noctu profugisset ab urbe transcucurrissetque Campaniam, Syracusas petit, rursusque inde propere rediit barba capilloque promisso; nec umquam postea quantiscumque de rebus, ne pro contione quidem populi aut apud milites, nisi per numen Drusillae deierauit. (3) reliquas sorores nec cupiditate tanta nec dignatione dilexit, ut quas saepe exoletis suis prostra
25. Matrimonia contraxerit turpius an dimiserit an tenuerit, non est facile discernere. Liuiam Orestillam C. Pisoni nubentem, cum ad officium et ipse uenisset, ad se deduci imperauit intraque paucos dies repudiatam biennio post relegauit, quod repetisse usum prioris mariti tempore medio uidebatur. alii tradunt adhibitum cenae nuptiali mandasse ad Pisonem contra accumbentem: “noli uxorem meam premere,” statimque e conuiuio abduxisse secum ac proximo die edixisse: matrimonium sibi repertum exemplo Romuli et Augusti. (2) Lolliam Paulinam, C. Memmio consulari exercitus regenti nuptam, facta mentione auiae eius ut quondam pulcherrimae, subito ex prouincia euocauit ac perductam a marito coniunxit sibi breuique missam fecit interdicto cuiusquam in perpetuum coitu. (3) Caesoniam neque facie insigni neque aetate integra matremque iam ex alio uiro trium filiarum, sed luxuriae ac lasciuiae perditae, et ardentius et constantius amauit, ut saepe chlamyde peltaque et galea ornatam ac iuxta adequitantem militibus ostenderit, amicis uero etiam nudam. uxorio nomine dignatus est †quam enixam, uno atque eodem die professus et maritum se eius et patrem infantis ex ea natae. (4) infantem autem, Iuliam Drusillam appellatam, per omnium dearum templa circumferens Mineruae gremio imposuit alendamque et instituendam commendauit. nec ullo firmiore indicio sui seminis esse credebat quam feritatis, quae illi quoque tanta iam tunc erat, ut infestis digitis ora et oculos simul ludentium infantium incesseret.