How to Be a Bad Emperor

Home > Other > How to Be a Bad Emperor > Page 10
How to Be a Bad Emperor Page 10

by Suetonius


  47. Meanwhile, after the defection of the other armies was reported, he tore to pieces the letters that had been presented to him while he was dining. He overturned the table and dashed to the ground two cups that he particularly treasured and called “Homeric” because they were engraved with scenes from the poems of Homer. He then took some poison from Lucusta, placed it in a golden box, and made his way to the Servilian Gardens. Having sent his most loyal freedmen ahead to Ostia to prepare a fleet, he tried to get the tribunes and centurions of the Praetorian Guard to join his flight. (2) But some of them hung back, others openly turned on him, and one of them even shouted: “Is it so wretched a thing to die?”19

  He considered a variety of plans. Should he go as a suppliant to the Parthians or Galba? Or appear publicly in mourning and plead for forgiveness for his past actions as pitifully as possible from the speaker’s platform? If he could not change their minds, at least he might beg for the prefecture of Egypt to be assigned to him. A speech to this effect was later found in his desk. But it is thought that he was frightened off from giving it because, before he could make it to the Forum, he would be torn to pieces.

  (3) And so he put off a decision to the next day. Around midnight, he was woken up, when he realized that his military guard had left. He jumped out of his bed, sent for his friends, and, when he heard nothing from any of them, personally visited each of their lodgings with a few people. But everyone’s doors had been locked and nobody was answering. He returned to his bedroom. Even the bodyguards there had fled, all of the bedding was removed, and the box of poison had been taken away. At once he sought out the gladiator Spiculus, or any other assassin, to kill him and found no one. “And so,” he said, “I have neither friend nor enemy?” He rushed out with the intention of throwing himself into the Tiber.

  48. But then he changed his mind again and all he wanted was some secluded hiding-place so that he could recover his courage. The freedman Phaon offered a villa of his, between the Salarian and Nomentanan Roads, about four miles out. Barefoot and in a tunic as he was, Nero threw on a dingy old cloak with a hood. With his head covered and a handkerchief draped in front of his face, he climbed on a horse. Only four people accompanied him, one of whom was Sporus.

  (2) Suddenly the earth shook and lightning flashed in Nero’s face, filling him with terror.

  He heard from the nearby camp the cries of soldiers making predictions unfavorable to him and favorable to Galba. He also heard one of the travelers he met on the road saying: “These men are pursuing Nero” and another asking: “Is there any news in Rome of Nero?” But then his horse was disturbed by the smell of a corpse abandoned on the road, his face was exposed, and he was recognized by a discharged praetorian who saluted him.

  (3) When they reached the lane leading to the villa, they dismissed their horses. Nero made his way between shrubs and brambles, along a path through a thicket. It was difficult going. Clothes had to be spread for Nero to walk on. He reached the rear wall of the villa and there Phaon urged him to hide for the time being in a pit from which the sand had been dug out, but Nero declared: “I will not go beneath the earth as long as I’m alive!” Waiting for a while, until a secret way into the villa could be prepared, he scooped up some water from a nearby pool to drink and said, “This is Nero’s ice-cold water.”20

  (4) Then, his cloak having been torn by prickly bushes, he pulled out the twigs that were stuck in it. Like an animal on all fours, he crawled through the narrow passage that had been dug out and made it into the closest room, where he lay down on a bed made up of a thin mattress and an old blanket. He was hungry and, once again, thirsty. He rejected the coarse piece of bread handed to him but he did drink a little warm water.

  49. Then everyone around him insisted that he save himself as quickly as possible from the insulting treatment that lay in store for him. He ordered that a hole be dug, as he looked on, with dimensions that would fit his body. Whatever pieces of marble could be found were be to gathered up, and water and wood brought so that his corpse could be disposed of later. He cried at each thing as it happened and kept saying: “What an artist dies with me!”

  (2) Meanwhile, a letter was brought to Phaon by one of the couriers. Nero snatched it and read that the Senate had declared him an enemy and was searching for him so that he could be punished in the ancient fashion. He asked what sort of punishment that was. When he learned that the guilty party was stripped, hung by the neck from a large fork, and flogged to death with rods, he took fright, snatched the two daggers which he had brought with him, tested the blade of each, but then put them back, making the excuse that the fated hour had not yet come.

  (3) Now he urged Sporus to start grieving and wailing, now he begged that somebody would help him to take his life by setting an example. At moments he chided himself for his inability to take action: “I live: a disgrace, a shame . . . this does not suit Nero, it does not . . . one must show resolution in such situations . . . come, rouse yourself!” And now, the horsemen who had been ordered to take him alive were drawing near. When he realized this, he said in fright: “The thunder of fast-running horses beats against my ears.”21

  Then, with the help of his secretary Epaphroditus, he drove a blade in his throat. (4) As he was still half-alive, a centurion burst in and placed a cloak on the wound, pretending that he had come to help. Nero merely replied: “It’s too late” and “Such loyalty.” With these words he died, his eyes bulging and fixed in a stare, causing terror in all who looked at him.

  His first and only request of his companions had been that they not allow anyone to get hold of his head but they cremate him entire, by whatever means possible. This was allowed by Icelus, the freedman of Galba, who not long before had been released from custody, after being detained when the revolt first broke out.

  50. Nero was buried, at a cost of 200,000 sesterces, with white robes interwoven with gold that he had worn on New Year’s Day. His nurses Egloge and Alexandria, along with his concubine Acte, interred his remains in the family monument of the Domitii: sitting atop the hill of the Hortuli, it is visible from the Field of Mars. In this monument he had a sarcophagus of porphyry, with an altar of Luna marble resting atop it, all surrounded by marble from Thasus. (Nero 20–25 and 40–50)

  20. Inter ceteras disciplinas pueritiae tempore imbutus et musica, statim ut imperium adeptus est, Terpnum citharoedum uigentem tunc praeter alios arcessiit diebusque continuis post cenam canenti in multam noctem assidens paulatim et ipse meditari exercerique coepit neque eorum quicquam omittere, quae generis eius artifices uel conseruandae uocis causa uel augendae factitarent; sed et plumbeam chartam supinus pectore sustinere et clystere uomituque purgari et abstinere pomis cibisque officientibus; donec blandiente profectu, quamquam exiguae uocis et fuscae, prodire in scaenam concupiit, subinde inter familiares Graecum prouerbium iactans occultae musicae nullum esse respectum. (2) et prodit Neapoli primum ac ne concusso quidem repente motu terrae theatro ante cantare destitit, quam incohatum absolueret nomon. ibidem saepius et per complures cantauit dies; sumpto etiam ad reficiendam uocem breui tempore, impatiens secreti a balineis in theatrum transiit mediaque in orchestra frequente populo epulatus, si paulum subbibisset, aliquid se suffritinniturum Graeco sermone promisit. (3) captus autem modulatis Alexandrinorum laudationibus, qui de nouo commeatu Neapolim confluxerant, plures Alexandria euocauit. neque eo segnius adulescentulos equestris ordinis et quinque amplius milia e plebe robustissimae iuuentutis undique elegit, qui diuisi in factiones plausuum genera condiscerent—bombos et imbrices et testas uocabant—operamque nauarent cantanti sibi, insignes pinguissima coma et excellentissimo cultu, pu[e]ris ac sine anulo laeuis, quorum duces quadringena milia sestertia merebant.

  21. Cum magni aestimaret cantare etiam Romae, Neroneum agona ante praestitutam diem reuocauit flagitantibusque cunctis caelestem uocem respondit quidem in hortis se copiam uolentibus facturum, sed adiuuante uulgi preces etiam statione militum, quae tunc excubabat, repraesentaturum se pollicitus est libens;
ac sine mora nomen suum in albo profitentium citharoedorum iussit ascribi sorticulaque in urnam cum ceteris demissa intrauit ordine suo, simul praefecti praetorii citharam sustinentes, post tribuni militum iuxtaque amicorum intimi. (2) utque constitit, peracto principio, Niobam se cantaturum per Cluuium Rufum consularem pronuntiauit et in horam fere decimam perseuerauit coronamque eam et reliquam certaminis partem in annum sequentem distulit, ut saepius canendi occasio esset. quod cum tardum uideretur, non cessauit identidem se publicare. dubitauit etiam an priuatis spectaculis operam inter scaenicos daret quodam praetorum sestertium decies offerente. (3) tragoedias quoque cantauit personatus heroum deorumque, item heroidum ac dearum, personis effectis ad similitudinem oris sui et feminae, prout quamque diligeret. inter cetera cantauit Canac[h]en parturientem, Oresten matricidam, Oedipodem excaecatum, Herculem insanum. in qua fabula fama est tirunculum militem positum ad custodiam aditus, cum eum ornari ac uinciri catenis, sicut argumentum postulabat, uideret, accurrisse ferendae opis gratia.

  22. Equorum studio uel praecipue ab ineunte aetate flagrauit plurimusque illi sermo, quanquam uetaretur, de circensibus erat; et quondam tractum prasini agitatorem inter condiscipulos querens, obiurgante paedagogo, de Hectore se loqui ementitus est. sed cum inter initia imperii eburneis quadrigis cotidie in abaco luderet, ad omnis etiam minimos circenses e secessu commeabat, primo clam, deinde propalam, ut nemini dubium esset eo die utique affuturum. (2) neque dissimulabat uelle se palmarum numerum ampliari; quare spectaculum multiplicatis missibus in serum protrahebatur, ne dominis quidem iam factionum dignantibus nisi ad totius diei cursum greges ducere. mox et ipse aurigare atque etiam spectari saepius uoluit positoque in hortis inter seruitia et sordidam plebem rudimento uniuersorum se oculis in circo maximo praebuit, aliquo liberto mittente mappam unde magistratus solent. (3) nec contentus harum artium experimenta Romae dedisse, Achaiam, ut diximus, petit hinc maxime motus. instituerant ciuitates, apud quas musici agones edi solent, omnes citharoedorum coronas ad ipsum mittere. eas adeo grate recipiebat, ut legatos, qui pertulissent, non modo primos admitteret, sed etiam familiaribus epulis interponeret. a quibusdam ex his rogatus ut cantaret super cenam, exceptusque effusius, solos scire audire Graecos solosque se et studiis suis dignos ait. nec profectione dilata, ut primum Cassiopen traiecit, statim ad aram Iouis Cassii cantare auspicatus certamina deinceps obiit omnia.

  23. nam et quae diuersissimorum temporum sunt, cogi in unum annum, quibusdam etiam iteratis, iussit et Olympiae quoque praeter consuetudinem musicum agona commisit. ac ne quid circa haec occupatum auocaret detineretue, cum praesentia eius urbicas res egere a liberto Helio admoneretur, rescripsit his uerbis: “quamuis nunc tuum consilium sit et uotum celeriter reuerti me, tamen suadere et optare potius debes, ut Nerone dignus reuertar.”

  (2) Cantante eo ne necessaria quidem causa excedere theatro licitum est. itaque et enixae quaedam in spectaculis dicuntur et multi taedio audiendi laudandique clausis oppidorum portis aut furtim desiluisse de muro aut morte simulata funere elati. quam autem trepide anxieque certauerit, quanta aduersariorum aemulatione, quo metu iudicum, uix credi potest. aduersarios, quasi plane condicionis eiusdem, obseruare, captare, infamare secreto, nonnumquam ex occursu maledictis incessere ac, si qui arte praecellerent, conrumpere etiam solebat. (3) iudices autem prius quam inciperet reuerentissime adloquebatur, omnia se facienda fecisse, sed euentum in manu esse Fortunae; illos ut sapientis et doctos uiros fortuita debere excludere; atque, ut auderet hortantibus, aequiore animo recedebat, ac ne sic quidem sine sollicitudine, taciturnitatem pudoremque quorundam pro tristitia et malignitate arguens suspectosque sibi dicens.

  24. in certando uero ita legi oboediebat, ut numquam excreare ausus sudorem quoque frontis brachio detergeret, atque etiam in tragico quodam actu, cum elapsum baculum cito resumpsisset, pauidus et metuens ne ob delictum certamine summoueretur, non aliter confirmatus est quam adiurante hypocrita non animaduersum id inter exultationes succlamationesque populi. uictorem autem se ipse pronuntiabat; qua de causa et praeconio ubique contendit. ac ne cuius alterius hieronicarum memoria aut uestigium extaret usquam, subuerti et unco trahi abicique in latrinas omnium statuas et imagines imperauit. (2) aurigauit quoque plurifariam, Olympiis uero etiam decemiugem, quamuis id ipsum in rege Mithradate carmine quodam suo reprehendisset; sed excussus curru ac rursus repositus, cum perdurare non posset, destitit ante decursum; neque eo setius coronatus est. decedens deinde prouinciam uniuersam libertate donauit simulque iudices ciuitate Romana et pecunia grandi. quae beneficia e medio stadio Isthmiorum die sua ipse uoce pronuntiauit.

  25. Reuersus e Graecia Neapolim, quod in ea primum artem protulerat, albis equis introiit disiecta parte muri, ut mos hieronicarum est; simili modo Antium, inde Albanum, inde Romam; sed et Romam eo curru, quo Augustus olim triumphauerat, et in ueste purpurea distinctaque stellis aureis chlamyde coronamque capite gerens Olympiacam, dextra manu Pythiam, praeeunte pompa ceterarum cum titulis, ubi et quos quo cantionum quoue fabularum argumento uicisset; sequentibus currum ouantium ritu plausoribus, Augustianos militesque se triumphi eius clamitantibus. (2) dehinc diruto circi maximi arcu per Velabrum forumque Palatium et Apollinem petit. incedenti passim uictimae caesae sparso per uias identidem croco ingestaeque aues ac lemnisci et bellaria. sacras coronas in cubiculis circum lectos posuit, item statuas suas citharoedico habitu, qua nota etiam nummum percussit. (3) ac post haec tantum afuit a remittendo laxandoque studio, ut conseruandae uocis gratia neque milites umquam, nisi absens aut alio uerba pronuntiante, appellaret neque quicquam serio iocoue egerit, nisi astante phonasco, qui moneret parceret arteriis ac sudarium ad os applicaret; multisque uel amicitiam suam optulerit uel simultatem indixerit, prout quisque se magis parciusue laudasset.

  40. Talem principem paulo minus quattuordecim annos perpessus terrarum orbis tandem destituit, initium facientibus Gallis duce Iulio Vindice, qui tum eam prouinciam pro praetore optinebat.

  (2) Praedictum a mathematicis Neroni olim erat fore ut quandoque destitueretur; unde illa uox eius celeberrima: τὸ τέχνιον ἡμᾶς διατρέφει, quo maiore scilicet uenia meditaretur citharoedicam artem, principi sibi gratam, priuato necessariam. spoponderant tamen quidam destituto Orientis dominationem, nonnulli nominatim regnum Hierosolymorum, plures omnis pristinae fortunae restitutionem. cui spei pronior, Britannia Armeniaque amissa ac rursus utraque recepta, defunctum se fatalibus malis existimabat. (3) ut uero consulto Delphis Apolline septuagensimum ac tertium annum cauendum sibi audiuit, quasi eo demum obiturus, ac nihil coniectans de aetate Galbae, tanta fiducia non modo senectam sed etiam perpetuam singularemque concepit felicitatem, ut amissis naufragio pretiosissimis rebus non dubitauerit inter suos dicere pisces eas sibi relaturos.

  (4) Neapoli de motu Galliarum cognouit die ipso quo matrem occiderat, adeoque lente ac secure tulit ut gaudentis etiam suspicionem praeberet tamquam occasione nata spoliandarum iure belli opulentissimarum prouinciarum; statimque in gymnasium progressus certantis athletas effusissimo studio spectauit. cenae quoque tempore interpellatus tumultuosioribus litteris hactenus excanduit, ut malum iis qui descissent minaretur. denique per octo continuos dies non rescribere cuiquam, non mandare quid aut praecipere conatus rem silentio oblit[t]erauit.

  41. edictis tandem Vindicis contumeliosis et frequentibus permotus senatum epistula in ultionem sui reique publicae adhortatus est, excusato languore faucium, propter quem non adesset. nihil autem aeque doluit, quam ut malum se citharoedum increpitum ac pro Nerone Ahenobarbum appellatum; et nomen quidem gentile, quod sibi per contumeliam exprobraretur, resumpturum se professus est deposito adoptiuo, cetera conuicia, ut falsa, non alio argumento refellebat, quam quod etiam inscitia sibi tanto opere laboratae perfectaeque a se artis obiceretur, singulos subinde rogitans, nossentne quemquam praestantiorem. (2) sed urgentibus aliis super alios nuntiis Romam praetrepidus rediit; leuiterque modo in itinere friuolo auspicio mente recreata, cum adnotasset insculptum monumento militem Gallum ab equite R. oppressum trahi crinibus, ad eam speciem exiluit gaudio caelumque adorauit. ac ne tunc quidem aut senatu aut populo coram appe
llato quosdam e primoribus uiris domum euocauit transactaque raptim consultatione reliquam diei partem per organa ydraulica noui et ignoti generis circumduxit, ostendensque singula, de ratione ac difficultate cuiusque disserens, iam se etiam prolaturum omnia in theatrum affirmauit, si per Vindicem liceat.

  42. Postquam deinde etiam Galbam et Hispanias desciuisse cognouit, conlapsus animoque male facto diu sine uoce et prope intermortuus iacuit, utque resipiit, ueste discissa, capite conuerberato, actum de se pronuntiauit consolantique nutriculae et aliis quoque iam principibus similia accidisse memoranti, se uero praeter ceteros inaudita et incognita pati respondit, qui summum imperium uiuus amitteret. (2) nec eo setius quicquam ex consuetudine luxus atque desidiae omisit uel inminuit; quin immo, cum prosperi quiddam ex prouinciis nuntiatum esset, super abundantissimam cenam iocularia in defectionis duces carmina lasciueque modulata, quae uulgo notuerunt, etiam gesticulatus est; ac spectaculis theatri clam inlatus cuidam scaenico placenti nuntium misit abuti eum occupationibus suis.

  43. Initio statim tumultus multa et inmania, uerum non abhorrentia a natura sua creditur destinasse: successores percussoresque summittere exercitus et prouincias regentibus, quasi conspiratis idemque et unum sentientibus; quidquid ubique exulum, quidquid in urbe hominum Gallicanorum esset contrucidare, illos ne desciscentibus adgregarentur, hos ut conscios popularium suorum atque fautores; Gallias exercitibus diripiendas permittere; senatum uniuersum ueneno per conuiuia necare; urbem incendere feris in populum immissis, quo difficilius defenderentur. (2) sed absterritus non tam paenitentia quam perficiendi desperatione credensque expeditionem necessariam, consules ante tempus priuauit honore atque in utriusque locum solus iniit consulatum, quasi fatale esset non posse Gallias debellari nisi a consule. ac susceptis fascibus cum post epulas triclinio digrederetur, innixus umeris familiarium affirmauit, simul ac primum prouinciam attigisset, inermem se in conspectum exercituum proditurum nec quicquam aliud quam fleturum, reuocatisque ad paenitentiam defectoribus insequenti die laetum inter laetos cantaturum epinicia, quae iam nunc sibi componi oporteret.

 

‹ Prev