by Sara Cate
“I thought so too, but how long can we do this? What if I wake up one day, and my whole life has passed me by?”
“We’re taking it one day at a time,” he moans.
There are so many things I want to tell him, things I’ve been holding back afraid if he knew about them he would never truly love me. My lips fall silent when I have the chance.
When the quiet consumes us, he stands and moves toward the door. His distance starts to feel like actual pain, so I sit up in a rush. “Please don’t leave.”
I watch his shoulders rise and fall with a heavy sigh. Without another word, he turns around and pulls off his shirt, revealing his sculpted chest with the spatter of hair that leads down to his boxer shorts. Then, he climbs into bed next to me and lets me nuzzle my face against his chest.
He holds me all night, never moving to touch me for more. I think he’s feeling the weight of this situation the same way I am. We didn’t choose this, but we’re stuck in it together.
I don’t want to take his life from him.
He doesn’t want to take mine from me.
But at the moment, we can’t live without each other.
Twenty-Eight
Cadence
“Can I pet the horse?”
Bridget, Daisy, and I are cleaning out the garden bed when a family of four with two small girls with blonde pigtails come walking up to us. Looking up from under the brim of my hat, I smile.
“Of course you can.” Dropping my trowel, I pull off my gloves and walk the girls over to where Misty is standing at the fence. I convinced Callum that we needed to open Misty’s pen, letting her come closer to the house, that guests would love to see her, and it’s been a hit. There are pictures of her with guests on our review sites already, shoving those other reviews farther down—the ones that talk about me.
“Her name is Misty,” I tell the girls as the horse comes trotting closer. I have a few treats for her in my pocket that I drop in each girl's palms. The taller one holds her hand out fearlessly. I’d guess she’s about twelve. The younger one stands timidly behind her while the parents snap pics from across the yard.
“Will she bite me?” the girl asks in an adorable little British accent.
“Nope. Here, let me show you.” I hold out a treat for Misty which she takes gently from my hand.
“Will you help me?” the little one asks.
I smile at their parents who give their girls a little thumbs up. Standing next to the little one, I hold her hand in mine and move it closer to Misty’s mouth. She licks up the treats and the girl giggles loudly, squirming with delight.
“It’s so slobbery!”
They erupt in giggles and I quickly retrieve more food for them to feed the horse. Misty lets them pet her as I answer their questions, and I’m so distracted that I don’t even hear the van pull up.
I’m in the middle of listening to Maisy, the seven-year-old, tell me all about her pet dog, Chupa, and her pink bedroom and her best friend from school when I look up to see Callum watching from the driveway. He’s in his clerical attire with a couple of heavy boxes in his arms and that familiar smug expression that I remember from the first day I walked into this house.
After the girls take off with their parents, I walk into the house to greet him. He’s sorting the mail at the kitchen counter.
“I told you bringing Misty closer would be great for business. She’s so good with guests.”
“So are you,” he replies as he looks around cautiously before pulling me in for a quick kiss. I want to stay in his arms as he pins me against the counter with his hard body, but I pull away before any one of our guests can walk past. The house has been full for weeks, and it’s been working us all to the bone.
“This came for you,” he says before handing me a bubble package with Sunny’s handwriting on it. I go silent as it registers what my sister has sent me.
I snatch it out of his hands and feel the thick envelope, knowing exactly what’s inside.
Callum watches me curiously like he’s waiting for me to fill him in. I swallow and look away instead.
“Are you going to tell me what it is?”
I can feel the refill packs between the bubbles of the padded envelope. Of course, Sunny came through. Even when she knew I could make the appointment myself, she knew that I wouldn’t. She came through because she wants me to be safe. She doesn’t want what happened to me before to happen again.
What she doesn’t know is that it wouldn’t. I won’t let it.
As I look up at Callum, the heaviness of our last conversation between us, I try to force a smile. This is good news. We’re in the clear, and we don't need to buy condoms or keep our distance.
Clearing my throat, I rip open the package. I want him to know what it is. As I pull the round, silver refill packs out of the package, I hold them up.
“Hallelujah.”
Callum doesn’t smile. In fact, he looks contemplative as he takes it from my hand. For a moment, he considers them, and then his eyes meet mine. As he presses my body against the counter, he reaches around me to drop the package in the trash on the other side.
“What are you doing?” I jump to grab it but he twists me back so I’m facing him. His lips find mine and he kisses me fervently, his tongue invading my mouth and making me want to strip off my clothes right here.
What is happening? my mind screams.
“You really want to fish those out?” he whispers against my lips. My mouth hangs open as I stare at him. What the fuck is he saying? I’m trying to piece together everything I’m hearing, afraid that I'll jump to the wrong conclusion.
“Do you want me to?” I ask.
“No, I don’t.”
The air leaves my lungs, and I grip his shirt between my fists. I’ve forgotten about being secretive, other guests, Bridget, anyone else, and I pull him closer.
“Callum,” I gasp. Inside my chest, my heart has started to hammer away, filling my body with heat. This is one of those big moments, a turning point. But why would he do this? What is he saying?
For a moment, I dare to hope this is the moment he’s about to tell me I’m his and he’s mine, and a flutter of anxiety to my stomach suddenly makes me question how I feel about that. About all of this.
His hands reach up to hold my face as he kisses me again. “You didn’t answer my question, Cadence. Do you want to fish them out?”
I can hardly breathe let alone answer. What Callum is asking me isn’t something I can answer lightly. Do I want to take that risk? End up pregnant, with his child, his baby. Even if we can never be public. Is that what I want?
My heart nearly explodes at the thought. Yes. Emphatically, yes. When he threw that package away, he wasn’t taking my choice. He was answering the question I was too afraid to ask.
What if?
What if we could have everything we wanted?
I don’t even care enough to understand what this all means about him and us and the future. What he’s offering has me too excited to give a damn.
“No,” I whisper. “No, I don’t want them.” My voice cracks on the words, and he kisses me again, but this time I kiss him back hungrily.
The front door opens and we break apart in a rush. He returns to sorting out the boxes he brought in, and I grab the junk mail from its pile and shove it into the trash, pushing Sunny’s package far enough down that it won't be retrievable. Then I look at him with a smile.
He touches my chin before Bridget can turn back around.
Whatever the future holds I don’t know. And people might think this is crazy, considering a child with a priest who can never marry me, never be truly ours, but Callum knows what he’s giving me, that he’s feeding a part of my soul in ways he doesn’t even know.
Still, that nagging sense of doubt refuses to go away. This time, my life isn’t the only one I’d be ruining. Am I making yet another mistake?
Twenty-Nine
Callum
Time feels like it’s
slipping past us. Every time I look at her, I wonder: how did this happen? When did everything change? When was the exact moment I fell in love with her?
She’s sitting next to me in the car on the way to Dublin, and my pulse won’t stop thrumming in my ears. Every moment or so, I glance over at her. She’s staring out the window, much like she did when we made this drive three months ago. In her knee-length blue dress with the little white flowers and a plunging neckline, she looks so different from the girl who landed on my doorstep. She wears a new confidence she didn’t have before, like she’s no longer looking for validation. There’s a new sense of pride in how she works at the house that’s changed the way she carries herself now. And I can barely keep my hands off of her with how fucking sexy it makes her to me.
This is not a fling. It’s not sex. Somewhere in the past three months, this thing between us became everything. I would give it all up for her.
I plan to. I just haven’t told her that yet.
She reaches across the seat and links her fingers with mine. Gently, I lift them to my lips and kiss each knuckle. I didn’t tell her that I booked us one of the nicest hotels in my budget in Dublin. We are doing far more than picking up her paperwork from the consulate. She has no idea just how much, but she will soon.
The trip to the consulate is quick, and as we walk out of the building, she leans on my arm, our hands still grasped together.
“I love being able to hold your hand in public.”
And I love it too. I like that people see us together, and I don’t care that I look more like her dad than her boyfriend. Out here, she’s mine and I don’t need to hide.
I haven’t given much thought to what happens after everything, if we’ll still feel comfortable in Ennis, if everyone will give her a hard time because of a choice I made, but none of that matters. We’ll find a way.
Turning her body toward me, I place my hands on her face. Then, I kiss her more than any man should kiss a woman in the middle of a busy street, let alone a priest. She doesn’t stop me. She leans in. This will all be mine soon. Kissing her in public, being wholly and completely hers.
“I have a surprise for you,” I whisper as she pulls away. Her eyes light up.
“Please tell me we don’t have to hurry home. I want to stay like this for just one day.”
My heart throbs hearing her say that. She deserves so much more than one day, and I can’t fucking wait to give it to her. So I kiss her gently on the forehead and pull her down the road to the car.
After a short drive, we pull up to the hotel, dropping the car off at the valet. Cadence is biting back a smile as I open the lobby door for her, watching her expression as she walks through. Red flower sculptures hang from the ceiling with a white marble floor at our feet, and the woman behind the counter greets us with a pleasant smile. Cadence is practically vibrating in my arms as we check in.
When we get to our room, which is simple with a large bed, red velvet pillows propped on a deep gray duvet, Cadence falls onto it with a bounce. What I wouldn’t pay to see this smile on her face everyday.
“I love this surprise.” She beams.
I stand between her legs and crawl carefully over her body. “I figured you might.”
She pulls my face down and kisses me deeply, her hands roaming my body, reaching for my belt buckle. I don’t bother telling her that we have a lot planned for the day. For just one moment, she feels like mine. We are a regular couple, and this is our hotel room.
It doesn’t take long before our kiss turns heated, and I trail my lips down her neck and over the deep neckline of her dress. Her moans are louder than normal, and I know she’s thinking the same thing that I am. We’ve had to keep it down so much that it will feel so fucking good to make her really cry out. To hear her whimpers and screams without a care in the world for who else hears them. Right now, I want all of fucking Dublin to hear them.
“Let’s see if we can get a noise complaint,” I say as I drop to my knees between her legs. It’s practically an attack on her sex as I devour her, my short stubble scratching her thighs. She writhes and moans all the same.
“Louder,” I hum against her. She answers with a guttural cry and I nearly come in my pants.
With my tongue buried deep inside of her, I reach up and shove her dress up to her neck so I can hold her breast in my hands. I want every inch of her. I want to ruin her for anyone else. I want to make sure she knows she’s mine and no one else can please her like me. No one will ever get the chance.
She calls out my name as her orgasm wracks through her, her thighs seizing up around me, and I know she did that for me. Like she was claiming me at the same moment I was claiming her. Letting God know who I belonged to.
As I stand up, I stare down at her as I unbutton my pants, dropping them to the floor. With my hands under her legs, I yank her body to the edge of the bed and enter her in one fluid motion.
She barely has the chance to come down from her last climax before she’s writhing again. Watching her beautiful body on the bed, her legs wrapped around me, my chest aches. I love her so fucking much it hurts.
Grabbing her hand, I pull her up, and without pulling out, I lift her body in my arms. She has a drunk, ecstasy-laced smile as I carry her to the bathroom counter. With the large mirror behind her, I see myself as I fuck her.
For the first time in a long time, the reflection doesn’t repulse me. It feels right.
She notices me looking and turns her head to see what I see. “I want to watch too,” she whispers, and without hesitation, I spin her around and enter her from behind. Our eyes meet in the mirror as I slam into her, and I see her fight the urge to close her eyes or look away. The intensity of staring at each other as we both careen toward this climax is the most spiritual experience I’ve ever felt.
My whole life I’ve been seeking out a connection with God, and I had no idea the transcendental power of connecting with another person.
Just before I come inside her, I grab her body and pull it roughly against mine. She claws at my arms as her body tenses and tremors against mine. I feel her orgasm in my bones.
We both stand there panting a moment before I press my lips against her neck and whisper against her skin.
“I love you.”
She doesn’t even react, no gasp or flinching. She spins in my arms, kissing me as if she’s kissing the words that just came out of my mouth.
“I love you too.”
I want to come out with it right at that moment. The words are hanging on my lips, but we have a long day planned, and I want to savor every single moment. This moment belongs to our first ‘I love yous’.
After we get cleaned up, we head back out into the city. I hold her hand every step of the way and when we sit at dinner that night, I have to hold back from kissing her when I should be eating. I’m addicted to this feeling of having her to myself. I want it forever.
Thirty
Cadence
Callum’s hand rests at my lower back as we walk, and I love the way it feels there. Everything about this day has been a dream. Being able to hold his hand in public, have loud sex that earned us a glare from the hotel staff as we walked through the lobby, sitting with him at dinner and talking about anything that wasn’t the house or the church. For one day, he feels like my real boyfriend.
I’m waiting for reality to come crashing down. Because what I seem to be living in is like some rose-colored daydream where Callum and I can create a future together regardless of rules and boundaries. We’ve established that we love each other, and we’re doing literally nothing to prevent bringing a child into this relationship, but the harsh rules are still in place. We’re not listening to them, we’re just living despite them.
It’s exhilarating, but at the same time, that nagging fear that I’m making a terrible mistake won’t let me fully relax into whatever this is.
The streets of Dublin are so much bigger, louder, and busier than Ennis. I feel like I could get swallowed u
p here, and I miss the comfort of the streets I’m used to, so I hold tight to Callum’s side as we stroll past busy pubs and dimly lit restaurants. When we reach the river, he guides me to a long bridge that spans across, and we walk quietly toward the center, where we stop and he turns me. The moon reflects on the water, the streets of the city lit around it, and it’s breathtaking.
Granted, it’s not Ennis beach at sunset, but it’s beautiful nonetheless.
Just as I pull out my phone to snap a pic, he wraps his arms around me from behind.
“Cadence.”
I answer him with my head resting against his chest, and just as his lips close in on the skin of my ear, I swear I can hear what he’s about to say before he utters the words.
“I’m quitting.”
Needles prick the skin of my neck. Turning to face him, I search his features for a sign that this is real, not a joke. “Wha—”
“I want to marry you.”
It slams into me like a train, these confessions. The words I want to hear more than anything come raining down without warning, and I try to breathe through the onslaught.
“Callum.”
I can’t breathe. My face is in his hands. Warm tears pool in my eyes as I drown in the intensity on his face. This is real. He’s being serious, and I can’t get time to slow down for one second long enough to let me catch up.
“What about the church?”
“It’s not right of me to keep my vows to the clergy when they belong to you.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, letting the tears fall. This is what I wanted. This is everything I wanted, and I’m overcome with it. I’ve never been happier in my entire life than when I’m with Callum, and I don’t think I would ever tire of him. He makes me better in every way, and I think I do the same for him.
There should be absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is everything I want...but that nagging doubt refuses to be ignored.