by Diane Weston
From
Some versions of the FORD method use From as the F. This is actually much better than Family as a conversation starter. Asking someone where they’re from, especially if you’re at a party or conference, is an appropriate conversation starter. It’s light enough that most people won’t have a problem talking about it. It’s not going to make anyone uncomfortable. And if you’re at a conference, people will have arrived from different places, so it makes sense as something to ask about.
But it’s also fine in regular life as a generic sort of question to ask someone, whether they’re from the city or if they just moved there. It is a good one for strangers to talk about because of it being one of the most non-touchy subjects you can bring up. It’s very neutral territory for strangers to begin talking about.
Motivation
Motivation is similar to Dreams in that it is finding out what is truly important to the person and should be introduced late in the conversation with a person. There are some acquaintances with whom you would never discuss such things. You really need to pay attention to the person and decide whether this would be an appropriate topic of conversation for you to pursue. In most small talk situations, it’s not going to be.
Message
This tends to be a closure in a networking situation. You end the conversation with a message that you want to connect again and you exchange contact information or set up a time when you’d like to get in touch again.
You would not use this in a social situation. It’s a way of ending a work conversation where you’re either hoping to work with the person or you would like them to be your client. In the case of them wanting to hire you, you would give them your card or write down your info. And maybe you would set a time when you would get in contact with them again. A message is all about leaving the person with a clear sort of directive for what you’d like them to do next, in terms of working together.
Example conversation using the FORD method
Let’s look again at one of the conversations from the ARE method chapter, where two teachers meet at a workshop. Notice how the person starting the conversation begins with the ARE method and then gravitates to the FORD method. Which method is being used is indicated in square brackets throughout the conversation.
[Anchor — talking about a shared experience, adjusting the chairs at the workshop]
“Why are there so many levers on that chair? It seems like overkill.”
“I have no idea. And I don’t know which one to press to get it to go up.”
“I think it’s this one.”
“Thanks,” she says. “I’m Marlee.”
“Nice to meet you, Marlee,” you say, extending your hand. “I’m Emma and I teach Grade Four.”
[Reveal — the R from the ARE method, she shares her name and occupation]
“I teach Grade Four too,” she says.
[Occupation — the other person is using the O from FORD, talking about their shared career, which is teaching]
She goes on and asks, “What school do you teach at?”
[Encourage — the E from the ARE method, she asks a question to draw you into the conversation]
“Riverside,” you answer.
“Oh really? I worked there my first year of teaching.”
“Cool. What did you teach?” you say.
[Encourage — the E from the ARE method, you ask another question to keep the conversation going]
“Well, my first year I had to teach anything I could get, so I took the temporary music position.”
“You did? Do you play an instrument?” you say, interested.
“Yep, piano and guitar.”
“Really? My son is taking piano lessons,” you tell her.
[Family — this is the F from FORD, you share that you have a son]
“That’s great. My daughters are learning the violin and it’s hard for me to help them. It’s so different from piano.”
[Family — this is the F from FORD, she shares that she has daughters]
“Do you still play?”
[Recreation — this is the R from FORD, the conversation moves a little away from family to what the two women like to do in their spare time]
She tilts her head back and forth.
“Not as much as I’d like to, I spend so much time on work and with my son that it doesn’t leave much time for hobbies. I basically try to get to a yoga class once a week and call it quits.”
“I get it. My main hobby these days is a cup of tea and a good book. I probably should do something more active but I just don’t have much energy. Like you say, after work and the kids, there’s not much left for me.”
“Yeah, I get you. It’s a hard act to balance.”
You nod.
***
A little later in the bar at the hotel, you meet the woman again and get to talking. After a few drinks and some more in-depth conversation, you return to her comment from earlier.
“Remember how you said that it’s a hard act to balance?” you say. She nods and takes another sip of her drink.
“Well, I sometimes wish I could chuck the whole teaching thing and become a bestselling author.”
“Really?” she says, her eyes wide. “That would be awesome. Like J. K. Rowling.”
“Yes, I’d love to sit in my office and not have to deal with crazy kids. All I’d have to deal with were crazy characters.”
“Sounds like you’d be living the dream,” she comments.
“Exactly,” you answer.
How to keep the conversation going
Some people are fine with starting a conversation but after the first comment ends in a one-word answer and the one after that ends in a one-word answer, they give up or don’t know what to do.
There are a few things that could be going on here. First, the person you’re talking to could be no good at small talk, too. If that is the case, it is important to use the FORD and ARE methods to help draw them out and get them talking about themselves so that they will forget their awkwardness.
Second, the person could, possibly, not find you interesting. Ugh. Doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of that, does it? Try to remember this when you think that some are not interesting . It’s really such a disrespectful thought to not think that a person has anything about themselves that you might find interesting. And when the person you’re talking to clearly doesn’t find you interesting, it feels pretty bad to be on the other end of that attitude. Of course, if this happens, either they will excuse themselves or you can excuse yourself, because there is no use talking to someone who is not interested in talking to you.
Open-ended Questions
The other problem could be with the way you’re trying to make small talk. There are some questions that really don’t require more than a one-word answer. Often adults direct these sorts of questions at children.
How was school?
How old are you?
My how you’ve grown!
Of course, the last isn’t even a question. But you can see how those sorts of questions don’t lead to conversation. And then the adult wonders why the child has nothing to say and supposedly won’t talk to them. Instead, it’s important to ask open-ended questions.
What sorts of things did you do in school today?
Who is your favorite book/TV show character?
You’re getting so big, what kinds of things do you get to do now that you’re getting older?
These are examples of both one-word answer questions, which discourage conversation and open-ended questions that invite a more complex and complete reply. Obviously, you want to use the open-ended questions, which will lead to conversation, instead of to silence. This is the most important thing that you have to do to keep a conversation flowing.
Provide information about yourself
Now that you are getting some small talk practice asking questions, make sure you’re not the person answering in one-word responses. If the other person is asking you open
-ended questions, then usually it’s easy to give a longer answer. But even if someone asks you questions that require only a one-word answer, you can still elaborate and give more than the question is asking for.
Here is an example of an open-ended question and answer.
The other person asks you, “So, how are you liking the conference so far?”
Possible answer: “It’s great.” Or “Not so much.”
But as a small talk master, you, of course, do not give such short answers. You would say something like, “Oh, it’s great. I really enjoyed the keynote speaker. I got some useful takeaways that I’m going to put into practice right away on Monday.”
This may inspire the other person to ask you what you found interesting and you can tell them. Then they’ll tell you what they found useful and instantly you are having a conversation.
But you may have a person who is not as good at small talk and they ask you a question like, “Did you enjoy the keynote speaker?”
Which could be answered with a simple yes or no. But you are a small talk master, so you will not give such a curtailed response. Instead, you can say. “I did . I thought the presentation was great. I took about three pages of notes. What did you think?”
Then the person will either agree with you or disagree. Either way, you have something to talk about. Just don’t get into an argument. That’s not small talk. Please see the section on dealing with different opinions in the Troubleshooting section if you are the sort of person who is likely to start arguing during a conversation.
If appropriate, deepen the conversation
Now sometimes small talk gives you a chance to make a genuine connection that leads to friendship. If this is the case with you and the person you’re talking to, you may find it appropriate to deepen the conversation by talking about subjects that are closer to your heart or a little more private.
This may not happen in the first few minutes of the conversation you have with the person. But at some point, you may want to talk in more depth about things that you have in common that are a little heavier than the light sort of conversation that small talk usually calls for.
This is fine as long as you are both on the same page. This requires you to read the non-verbal cues and the content of the words that the other person is saying as well. If you misjudge, the person will be giving you signals that you have communicated too much information. It’s weird when someone you don’t know well overshares something personal, right? That’s because it breaks social rules. So, make sure that you both seem to be connecting at the same level.
But if you are sure that the other person is interested in taking the conversation to the next level, then conversing is very enjoyable and could lead to a long-term friendship.
An example of how this may happen might be that you begin the conversation talking about your work as a teacher, but then somehow you end up on the subject of how you wish you could change the system to better serve what kids really need.
Or perhaps you have been chatting about your families and the other woman tells you that she is having a hard time with her oldest son being away at university. You are also finding it hard, so you start sharing how difficult it is for you too.
Maybe you have a shared experience with something difficult, like being bullied, fighting in a war in the military, losing your job, or getting divorced. The experience that you share doesn’t always need to be positive.
Two people often bond more over unhappy experiences because the other person understands your pain. It’s easy for anyone to say that they get it when you tell them you like going on walks because you find them invigorating. But most people are not going to be able to understand when you tell them that your business went bankrupt. Only certain special people will get what you went through when that happened. And when you find someone who understands difficult things that you’ve been through, it can be a real chance to make a friend.
Again, this is assuming that you are both enjoying the light conversation and are ready to move on to deeper topics. In general, you probably should avoid touchy subjects until you’re sure the other person is ready for a deep conversation. But if you meet someone at a two or three-day event, then you may get to know them well enough that you want to talk about more important subjects that are closer to your heart.
How to exit a conversation
Most people are usually concerned about starting a conversation. But once the talking has petered out, one of the most difficult things is exiting the conversation gracefully. There is nothing worse than the awkward silence when both people have run out of things to say and don’t know how to move on.
Read on to find out how to have a graceful exit to each conversation you have. The first thing is figuring out the timing of the conversation. A conversation is a bit of a dance between two people. As previously mentioned, you need to pay close attention to the other person, watch for non-verbal cues, and allow the last chance for the other person to add any final comments. If all this has been done and the conversation seems to be over, then it’s time to move on to your closing statements.
One of the trickiest things is timing. You need to pay attention to what’s going on in the conversation. Watch for when it’s reaching its natural end, then you need to see if the other person has anything else to say and if they don’t, then move into closing statements.
Closing statements usually finish up your chat with expressions that convey that you’ve enjoyed speaking with them. “It was great talking to you.” Sometimes they imply or overtly state that you’d like to speak with them again. “Hope we can chat again sometime.” Often, they’ll include a goodbye in them such as, “See you later.” Or “See you around.”
Read on for some examples of different closing statements you can use in different situations. Once you’ve practiced chatting for a while, these will feel natural and you won’t have to think about them.
Closing Statements
There are a few different ways of closing a conversation and you can choose the right one for the right situation. If you want, you can role play with your trusted friend or family member in order to practice different parts of your small talk conversation, so that when you actually get into the real situation it will flow fairly smoothly.
Closing #1 - Nice to meet you.
If you have just met the person, you can end the conversation by saying, “So, it was nice to meet you.” Or “It was good meeting you. I hope we’ll have a chance to chat again.” Or “I’m just going to go get another… drink/etc. It was good talking to you.”
Closing #2 - I have to use the restroom.
You can always say you need to use the restroom and excuse yourself, especially if the conversation isn’t going well. “Will you excuse me, I need to use the restroom? It was nice talking with you.”
Closing #3 - Well wishes.
If you know what they’re doing next you can wish them well with what they’re doing, such as, “Enjoy the breakout session. We can compare notes later and tell each other what we’ve learned.” Or “Have a good time at your next meeting. I hope the performance evaluation goes well.” Or if you’ve discussed an upcoming event, you can give them well wishes for that. “I hope your daughter’s dance recital goes well.”
C losin g #4 - See you.
If you’ve been chatting with an acquaintance, you can simply close with, “See you.” Or “See you around.” Or “Have a good morning/day/afternoon/evening.” Or “It was nice to see you.” If it’s around the holidays, you can say, “Merry Christmas.” “Happy holidays.” Or for another holiday that you know they celebrate, you can wish them a happy that — whatever it is.
Closing #5 - Interrupting the Conversation
Sometimes you have to cut the person short because something really has come up. Or at other times you may have been sucked into a conversational black hole from which no one ever escapes. (See the chapter on Troubleshooting for more on this.) If either situation happens to you, you m
ay need to interrupt the person.
The important thing is to not make the person feel as though you are abandoning the conversation because you aren’t enjoying it. Even if you haven’t been enjoying it, there’s no need to make another person feel bad about that. Sometimes there’s just no connection and there is nothing wrong with leaving, as long as you do it kindly and respectfully.
If you have to actually interrupt what they’re saying, you could say, “Excuse me. I’m so sorry to interrupt, but there’s been an emergency at home and I have to go.”
You would only say this if there really is an emergency or whatever it is that’s interrupting the conversation. Because there is nothing worse than making up excuses to get out of talking to someone like they do on some TV shows. In real life, that won’t fly because eventually that sort of selfish behavior will come back to you and you will regret your actions.
Remember what was discussed at the beginning of the book. Respect the other person. Pay attention. Be present with them. Then if you have to go, do it with respect once again. Tell the truth. And if you need to leave because you simply haven’t connected with that person, saying that you need to go to the restroom is correct because you do just need to go there and collect your thoughts and be ready to try again with someone else. There’s nothing wrong with this as long as you use kindness, honesty, and respect.