Remember back in the beginning of the book when I used the word “vagina?” I did that to illustrate a point. To understand each other, we have to be comfortable with some basics, but it’s going to be tricky when the basics make many men squeamish. Women, have you ever noticed a large population of men are interested in hunting? In Wisconsin, we live in a hunting state, so men and women get this analogy. A guy can go to Cabela’s, buy deer urine and spray it all over himself and the trees. He can go fishing and scrape the scales off the fish and clean them without batting an eye. He can kill a deer with either a gun or bow and field dress it right there in the woods with very few tools. But the minute a woman says she has her cycle, he’s grossed out. Ever notice that? The irony is funny! Now this isn’t every man, but I do come across it often. Guys, I know I caught your attention with the “v word”, but I won’t make you uncomfortable. I promise I won’t use the word vagina anymore. Don’t worry, we’ll still communicate effectively.
Let’s go back to my analogy, and use the example of a house. For the rest of the section, we’ll look at the female cycle through a man’s point of view. If a female is a house in this analogy, we’ll call the word I promised not to say “the Man Cave.” Not because the man owns it! Rather, of all the places in the house a man may enjoy, the Man Cave is his favorite spot. Men love going to their Man Caves—it makes them happy. In this house, the Man Cave changes on a regular basis. Why? There are physical and mental changes going on. All the time. This is what a cycle looks like for a woman through the course of a month:
A woman’s cycle can range from twenty-six to thirty-two days and it’s okay. It can be twenty-seven one time and twenty-nine another. It doesn’t have to be the exact same every time. The average cycle for women is about twenty-eight days. Let’s look at the hormone patterns. These patterns change on a woman four times a month. When I got married, my wife looked at me after our pastor said our vows and said, “I do.” Guys, it’s different for us. The pastor should have asked us to say, “I do” four times. When you say, “I do” to a woman, you are really marrying four different women. I’m going to show you how this works and it’s not as weird as it may sound. Have you ever noticed sometimes your wife can be really awesome and then the following week all you are thinking is who did I marry?! You think she’s a totally different person. Guys, you know it’s true, but you also have to know that sometimes, the personality shift is just fine and even okay. Men (and women) don’t understand so they think there’s something wrong with them when this happens. And when the man tells her she has to be like him, it only makes it worse. Today’s sexual revolution is telling us that women can be as sexually driven as men. Please don’t—they can’t and they shouldn’t. If they are as driven as men, they are sick. Let me say it again. If a woman has a sex drive like a man, she is sick and will probably develop cancer someday. Let me explain the woman zones.
Zone 1: The Construction Zone
This is when the cycle starts. The cycle can go anywhere four to seven days. This is when the Man Cave is under construction. Her hormones change, and the first two weeks of her cycle are dominated by estrogens.
I want to see normal hormones and keep it that way and therefore preventing fires.
Estrogens make a woman who she is, just like testosterone makes guys who we are. But let’s come back to one thing—if this is what makes each of us who we are, estrogens for women, and testosterone for men—how many of us have had them tested? They make up so much of who we are. The method of the fire department is to not worry about anything until your house is on fire. I want to see normal hormones and keep it that way and therefore preventing fires. The only way to know if they are normal is to have them tested and then to take care of them throughout their cycle. So, the construction zone is a very important time during a woman’s cycle and keeping hormones healthy. The body is under a certain amount of stress because it is in construction. It takes work and resources for the body to properly undergo this process.
When we test, we are working to keep tabs on those levels and prevent, or help our patients recover from the devastation of disease, or fire that could result. When someone’s body is trying to adapt to stress their body could have trouble making or converting hormones. Simply stated, those hormones are getting thrown off. However, until you develop cancer, and your house is actually on fire, the fire department won’t show up. By the time cancer is detected, it’s been growing for years!
Estrogens are produced by the ovaries. That’s important, because later in the month this hormone production will change. What do estrogens do for women? They make them energetic, outgoing, social, enthusiastic, alters their metabolism, and they eat about 15% less than men. It also increases their serotonin—the happy hormone.
Men, pay attention. When the Man Cave is under construction, more oxytocin is released, and her love hormone goes up. Estrogens tell a woman’s brain to connect. They don’t say “go get it” like your testosterone. Guys please learn this—it will be life-changing. Every guy knows when a woman starts her cycle and the Man Cave is unavailable and he won’t be able to visit it anytime soon. He disconnects because he doesn’t see the purpose. Again ladies, this is not because we are jerks, just testosterone driven, focus-on-the-moment guys. But guys, day one of a cycle is where you can make your wife very sick. Her love hormone has increased and because our sex drive can’t be fulfilled, we think we are respecting her by not “pestering.” Fair thought. However, she needs you and she needs you in a very specific way, maybe just not the way you think. When you separate from her, her love hormone and estrogens drop.
We have to understand, guys, it’s okay for you to have a sex drive, but this is how her body works so you have to put her needs above yours during this zone. Your sex drive will still be there when it’s over, and you want her to be healthy. When her cycle comes, it’s your job to work at connecting with her. This is key to keeping her healthy. Ask her how her day was and what’s happening in her life. If she just says everything is fine, then dig a little deeper. Do things that she enjoys doing. I take my wife dancing, but that might not be what your wife likes. Do what she likes. Watch the romantic comedy, take a walk with her, fix her favorite dinner, or whatever it is she likes. The most important thing is that she feels
Here’s an interesting tidbit about working out. Ladies, if you exercise during The Construction Zone, you run the risk of draining your hormones and pushing your body to be stressed. Your body then thinks it has to produce more hormone. There is one tissue that does a really good job of making hormone—fat. Yes, the very thing you are trying to avoid! Brutal! Another reason why understanding your physiology is important. If you push your body during the wrong times of the month during the wrong zones you can exercise all you want, and you’ll gain more fat.
Zone 2: The Man Zone
When the cycle stops, and her hormones have come up properly, she enters the zone eager men are waiting for. She becomes just like a man in her sex drive. A woman in her Zone 1 doesn’t have much of a sex drive, but as everything increases, so does that libido. It’s okay and very normal for her sex drive to match her man’s at this time. Let’s look at those estrogens and how to support them again. This is the week to exercise. In the Man Zone, it’s very important for ladies to exercise. Their bodies can handle it. They also handle stress better, it may even seem like nothing bothers them. Women also burn sugar better in this zone. Have you noticed there are times when you can eat anything and not gain a pound and other times you eat an organic salad and gain five? It’s probably the same week your husband gives up soda and loses twenty pounds. We know—it’s annoying.
Men, this is the week to help feed her body the right way. We’re talking about serotonin, fatty acid, estrogen-based foods. Let’s picture a stressed-out woman. Her day was terrible, her husband was frustrating, work was horrible, her kids are driving her nuts and she’s craving an organic salad. Does that sound right to you? No! I’ve never heard a woman say that.
When you are stressed, what does your body crave? Chocolate! Do you know why? Chocolate has the highest serotonin content of any food on the planet. Your body knew exactly what it was doing when it sent that craving message.
Your body knew exactly what it was doing when it sent that craving message.
When I started understanding this, I studied chocolate like crazy. Hershey still sells more chocolate than anyone else in the world. Valentine’s Day, February 14, four billion Hershey’s kisses are sold! When I’m talking about the health benefits of chocolate, I’m not talking about Hershey or any other highly-processed chocolate–those are filled with sugar and chemicals. I’m talking about healthy, real food. Raw cacao is actually a superfood with a ton of benefits. There’s a very big difference between it and what you can find on display by the register at the grocery store. Don’t reach for the bad stuff. That isn’t the message your body is sending!
Men, here’s a valuable “insider secret”, if you will. There are many different forms of chocolate. There are cacao beans, nibs, powder, paste, but let me tell you about a little gem called cacao butter. You should feel my hands. They’re pretty nice for a guy’s hands. Let me tell you why. I’ll take some cacao butter and coconut oil and when my wife gets her cycle, I’ll start rubbing her down and massaging her. Why? Because I’m a nice guy? Well, I’m nice, but giving massages isn’t exactly my favorite pastime. But I understand how cacao benefits my wife, so I’m trying to make sure that while she’s under the Construction Zone, I’m going to do everything I can to get her into the Man Zone and keep her in the Man Zone. I rub her down and feed her body by rubbing healthy oils and fats on her skin. My hands are so nice because I understand it’s my role as her husband to help her through Zone 1 so we can get to Zone 2 and make sure Zone 2 is as good as it can be. Guys, we do have it easy. We keep our testosterone good and things are really simple for us. It’s very difficult for a woman. Their bodies change four times in a month. FOUR! I keep saying it, and I will until every man and woman realizes this is normal, not crazy.
It’s very difficult for a woman. Their bodies change four times in a month.
Think differently. By looking at things from a different perspective, we can help you figure out what specifically each woman needs. We want husbands to understand this as well because as your body is going through that transition, he should help you with this. You are a team, and, up until now, I suspect that no one has ever taught you how to support each other’s hormone health.
Women turn to me when their hormones show their bodies are in distress. That’s how I end up with a baseball-sized blood clot on my desk? Ok, I’m a doctor and all, and totally comfortable with anatomy but this was a doozy even for me! A patient I was working with who had endometriosis came into my office just after her period started and placed a plastic baggie with a giant blood clot in it on my desk.
Yes, a plastic baggie.
Yes, a baseball-sized blood clot. I can still picture it.
She asked me, “What do you think about that?”
I paused, then slowly said, “Well…I don’t think it belongs on my desk…!”
We laughed but despite the humor, her situation wasn’t funny. You see, I didn’t need to see the enormous clot to understand the pain she was experiencing. I have supported, and continue to support, many women who are facing similar experience. She knew I dealt with these types of issues all the time, so she trusted me enough to bring in her clot. I responded by helping her get her hormones back in shape and guiding her back to homeostasis.
There is a lot you can learn when women trust you and share their experiences with you.
I had a woman come in who was dealing with what I’ll call “Man Cave Dryness,” (you know what I mean). She sent me an email after I figured out what her body needed, and she started taking steps to correct her situation. Here’s the email:
Dr. Patrick, I wanted to update you and thank you for the advice you gave my husband and me at our last appointment. When you told me the benefits of coconut oil and cacao butter, and how it affects the vaginal tissue, I thought you were a little bit crazy. But you’ve given me good advice so far, so we decided to try it. After applying it vaginally for a couple of days, we started to notice that the soreness started to go down, so we decided to try it out. After a couple of weeks, I’m happy to tell you that I’m starting to enjoy sex again and my husband is very pleased. Not just because we’ve had more sex in the last couple of weeks than we’ve had in the last year, but my husband and I have been able to get into positions that I have not been in for over thirty years. He thanks you! Your advice has helped me physically, mentally and brought me closer to my husband.
She’s eighty-three years young. Can you believe it? It goes to show your body is meant to function optimally no matter what your age is.
Alright guys, here’s the first of your two To Do Lists:
#1 FEED THE GIRL
I’m going to help you guys read a woman’s mind. Not all of it; testosterone or no, we aren’t equipped for that! Here is the most important thing that you can help with on a regular basis, “Feed me chocolate and tell me I’m pretty.” She needs the chocolate and loves the reassurance. Remember she doesn’t have testosterone telling her how awesome she is. It’s your job to tell her. It was part of the marriage agreement when you said, “I do” to your four wives.
Remember she doesn’t have testosterone telling her how awesome she is.
Ladies, if you fast, you’ll be very sick. Feed the hormones. For a guy you need to starve their hormones; this is just one more way we are very different. That’s why women can eat hardly anything and still be overweight. Men, in the first two weeks of their cycle, help them with this. Provide the things they need to feed their hormones. They need it—the results will prove it to you. People are blown away because after doing the most simple and basic things, their bodies begin changing like crazy. During the first two weeks of her cycle, a woman needs to be eating foods high in fatty acids. Here’s your shopping list:
• Chocolate-the good kind!
• Chia seeds
• Pumpkin seeds
• Sunflower seeds
• Coconut products
• Walnuts
• Pecans and most other nuts
• Olive oil
• Hemp
• Dates
• Avocados
• Cherries
• Grapes (organic wine is okay)
• Maca
Some essential oils that may also help during this time are thyme, lemon and patchouli.
#2 TALK TO THE GIRL
Now that the ladies have read the first part of the book, the guys are loving life. Their ladies are taking care of them and understand how their guys work. If guys are confused, they may walk up to their ladies in the morning (because they think their lady is just like them) and say “honey, tonight is going to be a good night!” Guess what is going to happen. Your wife is NOT going to come home that night. Why? That doesn’t connect with a woman. Don’t speak to a woman that way—they need more finesse! We see the idea of “guy phrases” in movies and while guys think it’s great, girls think it’s stupid. They know that’s not how it works. That doesn’t appeal to a woman. Women need connecting words.
We see the idea of “guy phrases” in movies and while guys think it’s great, girls think it’s stupid.
There are three words that appeal to a woman. Guys may think it doesn’t matter, because she knows it already, but ask my wife. I tell her this all the time. I text her this phrase early in the morning and I’ll text it to her in the afternoon. What are the three most important words you can say to a woman?
Hint: it’s not “I love you.”
It’s “I choose you.” That is one of the most connecting things you can say to a woman. When you disconnect from her, she feels left alone. When she feels disconnected, she’ll create things in her head. When you disconnect with her, she thinks you’re connecting
with someone else. She really does. And she’ll play it over in her head and she’ll create scenarios and the weirdest things you will ever hear in your life. Most of us have been through it.
About six months ago as I was getting ready to speak to a group, my wife sent me a text message. I thought that was odd, she doesn’t send me a text when she knows I’m getting ready to go on stage. But this was special. My thirteen-year-old daughter was at her first dance at her Christian school. All the girls were standing, swaying back and forth in their pretty dresses. What do you think they were all thinking? “Come, choose me!” To women this is sweet and precious. Then, two minutes later, she sent me a picture with this cute thirteen-year-old blonde boy dancing with my daughter. It meant so much to my wife, because every woman, my wife included, knows how important it is to feel chosen. Guys are different so all I could think is, “where’s my gun?” He may be sweet, but I turned into protective Papa Bear in a heartbeat! I know what those pubescent boys are like and what his hormones are saying… anyway! Back to the ladies. Every woman loves to be pursued, to know that she is the focus of her man’s affection. It’s in their biology. Guys, when you don’t chase them, they start to feel disconnected from you.
I’ve made an observation. Watch out for your friends, ladies. When one of them goes through a divorce or another stressful time, no matter the age, they get very sick quickly. They just do. When a woman feels disconnected and goes through a bad relationship, her hormones drop. Ladies, here’s a tip. When your friend is going through a lot of stress, sometimes women can pick up the slack where men are not. That’s sad, isn’t it? Your friends can help you out just by being a connecting friend. Guys, you can’t help each other out that way. Our testosterone won’t be driven up by connecting to another man. We’re not wired that way.
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