* * *
The night of Hezekiah’s birthday, he was back at his mother’s house. He’d stopped by Ed Bontrager’s house and asked if he could travel with him to the birthday dinner. Without hesitation, Ed agreed and offered to collect him from his mother’s house and Nathan accepted his offer. He knew that would be better than arriving at Nancy and Hezekiah’s house in a car and that way he wouldn’t feel so out of place.
It made sense to stay at his mother’s house that night. He’d arrived in his work clothes and then discovered he didn’t have any suitable clothes with him. Planning wasn’t a strong point of his and he knew that was one of the things he’d have to change if he was ever to gain control over his life. He had to grow up. It affected him that he hadn’t been able to fully organize his mother’s funeral. Now he had no mother and no relatives and that meant he only had himself to rely on. In that moment, he closed his eyes and prayed for God to give him strength and help him to be a better man.
If he drove back home for clothes, it’d make him late and he didn’t want Ed to be hanging around waiting. He looked in his room and found the white shirt he’d worn for the funeral and then he found an old pair of jeans. That’ll have to do. He knew he was taking a risk going to the party. He was almost certain he’d face people who didn’t approve of him, but he’d rely on God to make it through.
Chapter 12
When Violet arrived at her uncle’s birthday dinner on the following Thursday night, Valerie met her just as she was getting out of Elijah and Lily’s buggy. “Can I speak with you for a moment, Violet?” Valerie nodded and smiled at Lily, and then at Elijah when he came around the side of the buggy.
“Okay.” Violet glanced over at Lily, who was now beside her.
“We’ll go inside, Violet,” Lily said as she started walking forward.
Elijah and Lily went into the house, and Violet was keen to know why Valerie was looking so concerned.
“What is it?” Violet inquired as Valerie stepped closer.
“It's nothing to worry about. I've come outside to let you know that there is someone inside who we didn't think was coming.”
“Nathan?”
Valerie nodded. “Jah.”
Violet was pleased but then immediately thought of Benjamin, who she’d been out with. Her worlds were colliding. It wasn’t good. She was angry with herself for not waiting for Nathan. “Is he back to stay?”
“Jah, he says he is.”
Violet put her hand over her heart. She was so pleased. “That’s wunderbaar!”
Valerie put her arm around Violet. “Best you talk to him and see what you can find out.”
“Jah, of course I'll talk to him. I’m surprised he’s here with so many people.”
“Your aunt must’ve invited everyone she knew.”
“The whole community and then some.”
Valerie laughed and then said, “I’ve got a few people to see.”
“You go ahead. I’ll talk to Nathan.”
Valerie walked off to greet other people, leaving Violet still in shock that Nathan was there. Looking down at her dress, she was glad that she’d worn one of her better ones. She pinched her cheeks to give them some color and was glad that she’d added some rosemary and lavender to the rinsing water when she’d washed her hair earlier that day. Taking a deep breath, she smoothed down her dress and straightened her prayer kapp. When Violet walked into the house, she saw Nathan almost immediately. His eyes and face lighted up and he gave her a wave as he moved toward her.
“Hello, Violet.”
“I didn’t expect to see you here. I thought you’d left.” She looked down at the clothes he was wearing. He wasn’t in Amish clothing, but he looked good, in his white shirt that showed off his tanned skin, and his faded jeans. “Is it true that you’re here to stay?”
“It depends on you.”
She swallowed hard. “Me?”
He nodded.
What was he talking about? How could him coming back to the community depend on her? It was his choice whether he came back or not. She couldn’t make that important life-changing decision for him. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
He looked around him at the crowd. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”
Violet looked around too. “I guess we could go outside.”
He nodded and together they walked out the front door.
She suggested, “Why don't we walk around the side of the house and that way we don't have to greet people as they come to the house?”
“That's a good idea.” Once they were by themselves, Nathan said, “Violet, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I left.”
She turned to face him directly and desperately wanted to say that she felt the same about him, but she kept quiet and let him continue.
“I've had a long hard think about everything. About my life and what it would be like if I stayed in the community and what it would be like if I left for good.” He rubbed his clean-shaven chin.
“And?”
“I know I’d come back to the community if you … if you and I could …”
Violet frowned. She wanted to be his girlfriend if he came back, but he had to understand a few things. This wasn’t right. “Nathan, you can't come back to the community for me or anybody else. It has to be for you.”
“It would be for me, Violet. I’d be coming back for myself.”
Violet pushed her glasses further up her nose. “It sounds like you're making it conditional upon something else.”
“I thought this through, long and hard.”
“I just don't want you to make a mistake, or a decision that you could regret later on.” As much as she liked him, she had to be with a man who was stable. Not a man who was in and out of the community. She knew if he made that decision for himself he was reliable enough to stay, but not if he made that decision dependent upon something else.
He shook his head. “I don't see that I would regret it.”
“Have you spoken to the bishop?”
“I’ve spoken to the bishop in the way that we had a general conversation about things. I was going to speak to the bishop after we spoke. Don’t you want me to come back? Are you judging me by my unstable father? Violet, I’m nothing like him.”
“Nee, I’m not judging you by anyone.”
“Why are you like this, then?”
Violet had to be truthful. “I’ve thought of little else but you since you left. I’m just concerned that you won’t be making the decision about Gott and returning to the community from your heart.”
He had his mouth open to speak when someone appeared beside them from around the corner of the house. It was Benjamin, and from the angry look on his face, he’d overheard everything.
“Nathan, why have you pulled Violet away to speak to her like this—alone?”
Nathan shook his head, looked down at the ground, and then looked back at Benjamin. “I was having a quiet private word with my friend.”
“It’s not right for two unmarried people to be alone like this.” Benjamin then looked at Violet. “I should tell your vadder, Violet.”
Violet frowned. “I don’t mean to be rude, Benjamin, but this has nothing to do with you. We’re just talking. We’re not doing anything wrong.”
“I heard your whole conversation, Nathan. You’re making coming back to the community dependent upon Violet having some romantic notions about you and that’s wrong. If you come back, you should come back because you want to walk with Gott. You should examine your heart—and your mind.”
Nathan breathed out heavily and looked straight ahead. “I guess I've just made a fool of myself.”
“You haven't made a fool of yourself,” Violet insisted.
“I'm sorry to have bothered you, Violet. I'll get out of everybody's way.”
“Don’t go, Nathan.” She stepped toward Nathan and reached for his arm, but Benjamin grabbed her hand before it reached him.
“Let him go, Violet,” Be
njamin ordered.
By the time he finished speaking, Nathan had gone. Violet pulled her arm away from Benjamin and walked around the corner to see where Nathan was. She hurried after him. “Nathan, stop!”
He stopped in his tracks, turned around, and waited until she caught up. “Everything he said is right, Violet. I made a mistake in coming here. I’m not meant to come back. The signs are clear. Is Benjamin your boyfriend now?”
“Nee, of course not. He isn’t.”
“He seems to think he’s your boyfriend, or more like your vadder the way he’s ordering you around.” Nathan stared back at the house.
Violet glanced behind her to see what Nathan was staring at. It was Benjamin, who was glaring at them with his arms folded.
“He’s probably a better man for you than I am.”
“Don’t say that, Nathan. He’s not!”
“I need to think and pray about everything a whole lot more.” He turned and walked away.
“Where are you going?” she called after him.
“Back to my house. Please tell Ed I’ve already gone.”
“Are you walking there? It'll take a long time if you are.”
“Time is something I've got a lot of, and besides it will help clear my head. Just tell Ed, please. He was driving me home. I came here with him.”
“I can drive you there in the buggy.”
“Stay here, Violet.” He gave her a wave and kept walking.
Benjamin grabbed her arm. “Violet.”
She pulled her arm out of his grasp and glared at him. She’d never be involved with a man like Benjamin, and now Nathan had been driven away for good. It was people like Benjamin with no compassion who had driven Nathan away in the first place.
“I need a moment alone, Benjamin.”
Benjamin stared at her before he slowly turned and walked back into the house.
Violet walked back and forth behind the house, too upset to talk to anyone. She just wanted to go home. Why were people so mean sometimes? The Word of God talked about standing in a sinner’s way; weren’t all these mean Amish people standing in Nathan’s way? And why couldn’t they see that—all these holier-than-thou people? She shook her head and groaned loudly when she realized she was being just as judgmental about them.
All she wanted was for Nathan to feel comfortable enough to return. He was a sensitive man. If only he was more thick-skinned, he might be able to let people’s words slide right off him. Instead, he took things to heart. She thought about the hurt and dismay in his eyes when Benjamin had said those things to him. Should she have stood up for him more and walked after him when he left?
If only Benjamin hadn’t followed them out of the house. Benjamin must’ve been lurking around the corner, listening in on their conversation. Violet closed her eyes and prayed for Nathan. She wanted him to return to the community, but maybe there was another path Nathan had to follow, or maybe Gott had more trials for him to go through before he called him back into the fold.
After Violet prayed, peace washed over her like a warm shower of water. After she’d mentally placed Nathan in God’s hands, she walked back into the house.
* * *
Nathan’s first reaction had been to swing a punch at Benjamin, hard enough to knock him out cold. He’d taken boxing lessons to keep him fit, so he could’ve swung one before Benjamin knew what was happening. Violence never solved anything, but it sure would’ve made him feel good at the time.
As Nathan walked along the side of the dark road with only a half moon to light the way, he remembered crying as a child, scared of the dark. He was sent to bed in a darkened room and left to imagine scary creatures under the bed. His father would not even allow the bedroom door to be open slightly to let some light in.
He knew if he crept out at night he would face his father’s wrath. It was scary to stay in that darkened room, hiding under the quilt. That’s when he first learned to pray, and every morning when he woke he thanked God for keeping the monsters away. When he grew older, he realized that the only monster in the house was the alcohol with which his father overindulged.
He wasn’t scared of the dark as a grown man; he wasn’t scared of anything. Benjamin had made him feel like an idiot, but perhaps he hadn’t fully thought things through. Why would he open himself up to the community only to be hurt again? Benjamin didn’t even know him and hadn’t known his parents and somehow, he was against him.
Then Nathan remembered the people who had been wonderful to him, like Violet, Valerie, Nancy, and Hezekiah.
When he was halfway home and had calmed down some more, he wondered if Violet had been the reason he was thinking of returning. Yes, she was an incentive, but she was right, he couldn’t let her be the only reason for coming back. It was kind of hard to take her out of the picture and make a decision. It would be easy to walk away from the community just as he was walking home right now—one foot after the other and never looking back. That is, if it weren’t for Violet and if it weren’t for one day wanting to see his mother again. In the past, every time he’d thought about returning, someone like Benjamin would block his way.
Right now, he was flip-flopping with his decision and he hated being indecisive. He remembered a scripture about God not liking people to be lukewarm. He’d rather someone be hot or cold and he would spew the lukewarm out of his mouth. He’d have to make a choice and the sooner the better. Was he going to go back to the community or continue with the life he already had out of the community?
Chapter 13
Violet slowly walked back into her aunt’s house and found Benjamin waiting by the door.
“Where’s he going?” Benjamin tossed his head back and stared in the direction Nathan had gone.
“Who?”
“Nathan, of course.”
She knew who he meant, but she didn’t feel like talking about Nathan and she hoped Benjamin sensed her annoyance. “He’s walking back home.”
“Why? He only just got here.”
“He’s obviously upset by what you said to him and I don’t blame him.”
He frowned at her. “It was only the truth. He must’ve misunderstood a few things, that's all.”
“He was coming back to the community, but I don’t know what he’s going to do now.”
He took a step toward her. “Was there something going on between you and Nathan?”
She shook her head. “Nee, nothing like that. He said he's got a lot to think about.”
Benjamin offered, “Do you think I should go after him and talk to him?”
“I don't think that will help. I think he just needs to be by himself.”
Benjamin gestured toward the door. “We should join the others inside. Unless you think I should find Nathan and drive him home.”
Violet grabbed him by the arm. “Nee, leave him be. I don't think it’ll help if you go after him.”
He nodded. “If you say so.”
“Now I need to find Onkel Hezekiah and wish him a happy birthday. And then I have to find Ed Bontrager and tell him Nathan’s walked home.” She walked inside the house and Benjamin followed.
Willow appeared and said hello to Benjamin.
“Hi, Willow.”
Willow lunged forward and grabbed Violet’s hand. “Aunt Nancy needs your help in the kitchen urgently. She said to hurry.”
Violet glanced up at Benjamin. “Excuse me.”
“Go right ahead.”
Once they were in the kitchen, Willow blurted out, “Did you hear Nathan is coming back to the community?”
Violet nodded, knowing Willow’s news was now old and inaccurate. He’d probably never be back.
“Why are you looking like that? It’s true. He’s been talking to the bishop and everything. I know it’s true. It’s not gossip.”
Violet sighed. “Just don't talk about him for the moment. Did you just lie about Aunt Nancy wanting to see me?”
“Whoops. I didn’t mean to. I had to get you away from Benjamin so I cou
ld tell you the news about Nathan.”
Violet frowned at her younger sister.
“Anyway, why don’t you want to talk about Nathan?”
“If you must know, I was just speaking to him and one thing after another happened and now I’m not so sure he’s coming back.” She didn’t want to tell her how Benjamin had interfered.
“Isn't that what you wanted, for him to come back? I was only excited for you.”
“I like him, but not if he’s not going to stay in the community. How do I know he’s going to stay for good? He might only come back and stay for a few months and then leave again.”
“Violet, anyone can do anything. I think you're being silly and looking at the downside.” Violet was shocked at her little sister. Willow continued, “Anyway, you’re best off to forget him.”
“Will you make up your mind? One minute you want me to be with him and the next, you don't. I can’t keep up with the way your mind flip-flops around over him.”
“I’ll like him if he comes back and stays. Anyway, he makes you crazy. And you're always depressed when he's around. You’re not happy. You’re nicer to be around since you've been spending time with Benjamin.”
“And how would you know that?”
“Because I can see your face when you see Benjamin. Your face lights up.”
Violet doubted that was true. “Does it?”
“Jah. And now we’ll have to help Aunt Nancy because we told Benjamin that's what we were doing.”
“I have to find Ed.” Violet found Ed and she saw him look disappointed when she said Nathan had walked home. Judging from his face, Ed had guessed Nathan had a falling out with someone.
Throughout the party, Violet could see that her mother and Aunt Nancy were pleased that Benjamin stayed by her side. All the while, Violet’s mind was elsewhere. It bothered her that Nathan might have come back except for Benjamin’s interference. Surely Nathan would’ve known he had to come back because of a decision from his heart and mind, and not because of her. She was only making doubly certain he was doing it for himself, but Benjamin overhearing had taken things the wrong way.
Amish Violet Page 9