Her quiet sobs break me, and I fall on my knees next to her bed. “D’you hear me, sweetness? We started as just us and when whatever kids we’ve got move out, it’ll just be us again. This,” I say, waving my hand down her body, “is a blip, a bump, in our lives. It’s a sucky one and our hearts are broken, but we’ll survive.”
“Are you sure?” Her voice is quiet and low, unlike her normal vivacious personality.
“I’m fucking positive. I’ll make it so if I have to.”
“I wonder...I wonder if it was a boy or a girl,” she murmurs.
“It was an angel.”
9
Twisted
The memories are emotionally draining. It was the first time in our relationship that we raised our voices at each other. I just wish it’d been the only time. Paisley was suffering what the doctors and therapist called survivors guilt. She questioned her womanhood, her mothering capabilities. Why did her baby not make it? Why is she allowed to live a full and happy life, while her child ended up in heaven?
I fall asleep with one of those memories on my mind.
* * *
I pull into the driveway of our house, my brows furrowed in concern. It’s dark and yet there are no lights on, either inside or out. Parking my bike in the garage, I hurry inside to see what’s going on.
“Paisley? Sweetness, where are you?” The SUV we bought is in the garage and I see her purse on the table, the keys hanging by the door, so I know she’s not out.
“Daddy?” Tig asks. I head down the hallway and stop in my boy’s room. He’s got his little television on and is watching his latest obsession, the Ninja Turtles.
“You okay? Where’s momma?” I question, pulling him to me for a hug. He’s shot up this past year and is more elbows and knees than anything, but I can see that he’s following in my footsteps and will be tall and broad-shouldered at some point.
“She’s laying down.” Anger burns away my concern. It’s past dinner time and from the looks of the wrappers, he’s been fending for himself since he got home from school.
“Did you get your homework done? I’ll call and order a pizza, okay?”
“I had trouble with my math, but I got my reading and science done. And I need to turn the money in for my field trip tomorrow. The teacher gave me another day because Momma forgot.”
“I’ll take care of it. Pull out what I need to look over, get these wrappers picked up and hop in the shower. We’ll tackle that math after we have some pizza.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” I know losing the baby has affected us all because he had started calling me ‘Dad’ but reverted to an earlier age. Ruffling his hair, I head down to the master bedroom, determined to get through to her once and for all.
As I enter our bedroom, I notice how dark it now is and realize that at some point, she must have ordered those dark-out curtains or some shit. I toe off my boots and climb into the bed and pull her into my arms. “Paisley? Sweetness, you need to wake up. We’ve got a boy who needs his mom.”
Sleepy eyes peer at me and I push her hair away. “Mmm, what time is it?” she mumbles.
“Nearly seven at night. Dammit, Paisley, you’ve got to pull yourself together, sweetheart. This isn’t healthy for any of us. Have you been going to the therapist?”
“I didn’t like her. She didn’t understand, kept saying it would pass and shit.”
“Sweetness, it will, eventually. We’ll always miss what we didn’t have, but we can’t stop living. I’m calling in and tomorrow, we’re seeing the doctor. Maybe you need to take something for a little while. Hell, I don’t know, but this has to stop.”
“Don’t you think I know that, Travis?”
“When’s the last time you came to the clubhouse? Called your girls? Hell, went to work for that matter?” I know exactly when that all stopped—when we lost the baby. Fuck, I’ve been so lost without her that I finally broke down and told my brothers during church. “Everyone’s worried about you, Paisley.”
“They don’t need to worry, I’m fine, just fine,” she whisper-shouts.
“No, you’re as far from fine as a person can get,” I state. “Our boy needs you. Christ, I need you. Other than a lackadaisical kiss here and there, you haven’t touched me in two months!”
She glares at me and flops onto her back, spreading her legs. “Go ahead, don’t let me stop you.”
I rear back in shock. I can’t believe how she’s acting right now. “Are you fucking kidding me? Never ever have I made love to you without you being fully onboard and I’m not about to start now, for fuck’s sake. I’m telling you right now, Paisley Martin, that you need to figure out what the hell you want from me, from us, and when you know, tell me.” With that, I roll off the bed, hardening my heart against the ever-present tears, to leave the bedroom. “I’m ordering pizza if you get hungry.”
I spend the rest of the evening helping Tig with his homework and cleaning up the disaster that the house has become. Four loads of laundry later and I can finally say that I’m done for the night. Paisley never comes out of our room and while I haven’t slept apart from her willingly, tonight I’m sleeping on the couch so she can process what I said.
Shutting down the house, I check on Tig one more time and cover him up. My boy tends to toss his covers around like he’s in a blender. I glance down the hallway at our bedroom door and almost give in, then realize that shits reached the boiling point. Sighing, I grab a blanket and pillow from the linen closet and head to the family room. The couch isn’t the worst place I’ve ever slept.
“Travis?” Her whispered voice has me instantly awake and I sit up. The moonlight coming through the windows shows that she’s taken a shower and put on clean pajamas which I take as a good sign. Her eyes are red-rimmed and I’m sure she has spent plenty of time crying since I left her hours ago. “Can... can we talk?” The hesitancy in her voice worries me. She’s never been this meek woman before, and it worries me. What if she never recovers and is always this shell?
Instead of answering, I pull her down onto the couch and situate us so that we’re lying face-to-face. Cupping her cheek, I lean in and kiss her. “Absolutely,” I murmur. I’m hoping my love for her shines through from my voice and actions.
“I’m sorry. Can... can you ever forgive me?” Gone is the confident woman who went through Tig’s pregnancy alone, who took care of a sickly, premature Lily. In her place is a shadow of the woman I love with all my heart. “I feel so damn guilty. We were past the danger point and I was excited to share our news with everyone. Even had it planned in my head how we could tell Tig about his new brother or sister. Instead, my body fails me, betrayed me, and I lose our child, and now, he’s got a mom that gives him cold cereal for breakfast and money for lunch. I can’t...I don’t have the energy to do anything, and that means I’m failing you too. As your old lady and wife. Travis, I don’t wanna be like this anymore.” The tears pour silently down her face and I give up trying to stem them. This is the most she’s really said about everything since we were in the hospital. This is the only time she’s opened up and talked to me, instead of at me.
“You’ll always be forgiven, sweetness. This is one of those speedbumps we talked about a long time ago. And, your body didn’t fail you. I... I’ve been looking into miscarriages and sometimes, it happens for no reason at all. Sometimes, it’s because there’s something wrong with the baby. We’ll never know why it happened. We can’t drive ourselves crazy wondering why it happened. As for Tig, as long as he has food, he’s good. I’m sure he’s worried but he’s a kid and they’re pretty resilient. We’ll call and get you into the doctor tomorrow once we get him off to school, okay?”
“Yeah. I think I need help.”
I pull her closer and cover us up. “Sleep, baby. I’ve got you. I’ll always catch you when you fall. I love you, Paisley.” She snuggles up to me as close as she can get, and for the first time in weeks, I feel like everything’s going to end up working out.
“I love yo
u, too, Travis. Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“Never.”
* * *
Waking up early the next morning, a habit that has stuck despite being out of the military longer than I was in, I look at my woman. We got through that rough patch and eventually, we added my sweet girl, Evie, to our family. A wave of lust crashes over me seeing Paisley’s bare shoulder peeking out from the covers, and I slide my hands over her body.
“Mmm, morning,” she whispers, her eyes still closed. “Whatcha doing?”
“Figured we had wild monkey sex last night, this morning I’d make love to my wife.”
“I agree with your decision,” she sighs as my hand traces along the underside of her breast.
Slowly and unhurriedly, I show her with my hands, mouth, and finally my dick, how I feel about her, capturing her cries of pleasure with my mouth. “God, I love you so fucking much,” I tell her when we’ve finished making love, and are laying there, wrapped in one another’s arms.
“Likewise, handsome. Who knew that I’d meet the love of my life in a small bar outside of Vegas?”
I thank my good fortune each and every day.
Who knew, indeed?
* * *
Paisley
* * *
Last night was a hard memory to remember, but what I recall, and what sticks out the most, is how, after we got Tig off to school, we went to my doctor’s office. In short order, he had diagnosed me with depression, put me on some medication and found me another therapist as well as a support group. In reality, had I been open to the idea I already had a great support system in my girls. But I just couldn’t find it in me to bring my sorrow into everyone’s lives. They were all celebrating their own pregnancies and the kids that needed them the most entered their lives, and joined their immediate families.
But what helped the most was Travis’ unwavering love, and the support and love I got from my girls when I finally gathered my courage and told them. It took time to come back from that, and there are still occasions when I wonder what our lost baby would have looked like, if they would have been a boy or a girl, but overall, I’m content.
Evie is the one who ultimately saved me from drowning in a dark hole. We conceived quicker than Travis and I anticipated. Once I started feeling more like myself, we started trying again. She’s been a joy to me, and Tig completely adores her. She can do no wrong in either his nor Travis’ eyes.
“Let’s get cleaned up and dressed for the day.” Travis thinks I don’t know about his ‘surprise’ later today, but I’m no fool, and know what he’s up to. He thinks he’s going to catch me off guard, but I’ve got news for him. I also have written my own vows. He has tried to convince me we’re going with traditional ones, but I happened to see him up late working one night on his. I got a small peek over his shoulder before he realized I was there.
I’ll be opening my heart up to him and bleeding it dry. I’m going to share the fact that when I was ready to give up, he became my champion.
My knight on shining chrome so to speak.
He may not realize it, but he’s my hero.
“Shower together?” I ask. Shaking off the bad, I decide to focus on the good in my life.
“Is there any other way for us?” he deadpans. I laugh because he’s right. We pretty much do everything together, and while that would be an issue with many couples, I have no problem with it at all. He’s my best friend in the world and there’s nothing we can’t talk about.
“Not in this lifetime,” I reply, getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom. I can feel his stare burning a hole in me and grin. Working in the warehouse all these years has paid off for me physically. I’ve still got a toned body and while I’m not vain by a longshot, knowing that my man still checks my ass out is an ego booster. His palm caresses my ass as he comes up to me and I look up and grin.
“I see that look in your eyes, Mrs. Martin. You’re thinking of having your way with me again, aren’t you?” he hums, leaning in to take my lips in a scorching kiss.
“Maybe,” I tease. “I honestly feel like newlyweds, exactly how I felt when we first got together.” Our relationship is strong, unwavering, full of bumps and bruises, but together we bandaged our wounds, and have come out stronger than I ever thought possible.
“Me too,” he states, turning on the shower and adjusting the temperature. “And it’s early enough we can get away with it. Maybe it’ll keep me from popping a hard-on all fucking day.”
I can’t help myself, I burst into laughter because he sounds almost disgruntled. “Why is that a bad thing?” I inquire, joining him in the shower. Since this is our room at the clubhouse, even though we’re not here often, it’s fully outfitted with the stuff we regularly use.
“Because now there are too many kids running around for me to drag you off so I can fuck you,” he retorts, taking my body wash and squirting some on his hands.
“Remember how hard it was when we all had to stay down in the basement?” I remind him, before I moan as his hands caress my breasts and make their way down towards my pussy.
“Fuck, that was hell. DJ going off her rocker, Axe tossing out fines left and right. Yeah, glad that’s in our past.” He leans in and kisses me and I realize that this time is gonna be a cross between last night and this morning as I find myself wanting him.
“Enough talk, more action,” I demand, dropping to my knees and taking him in my mouth. A lot of women don’t like giving head, but I’ve always loved going down on my man. He’s the perfect size for me, thick and long, and ever since he got a Prince Albert piercing, I can’t get enough of him.
“Fuck, Paisley, I swear woman, you could suck the chrome off a tailpipe with that mouth of yours!” he moans.
I hum around him and feel the shiver that courses through his body. “Love doing this for you, handsome.”
“Not coming in your mouth, Paisley,” he finally says, pulling me up and spinning me around. Dammit, that’s one of my favorite things and shouldn’t I get what I want this weekend? I toss him a look over my shoulder and he lightly swats me on my ass before lining himself up and thrusting home.
“Later. You can suck me off later, babe. Right now, I want this,” he declares, his hips pistoning in and out. He’s hitting that special spot inside, the one guaranteed to have me shooting off like a rocket and I’m grateful that he put steel bars in our shower so I have something to hold onto.
Pushing back, I feel my pussy start to clench and say, “I’m coming, Travis,” as wave after wave of ecstasy crashes over me. He thrusts a few more times before I feel him stiffen and moan my name.
As he leans over me, I’m grateful once again that he chose me.
10
Paisley
We walk down to the kitchen hand in hand. I’ve always loved that he still likes holding my hand, and I give his a squeeze. “Love you,” I say when he glances down at me.
“Love you more.” This is one thing I adore about him, he never shies away from sharing his feelings with me. We make sure to tell each other every chance we get that we love one another. You never know what tomorrow might bring, you have to live for today and make sure those around you know how you feel.
“Ah, look who finally decided to show up. Late night, kiddies?” Smokey asks. The mischief in his eyes lets me know he’s ready to start this morning off the only way he can—with humor.
“Late night, early morning, take your pick,” Travis says, releasing my hand to go grab us some coffee. I can feel my cheeks flush like I’m some kind of virgin or something. I’ve been around these men and women for half of my life, you’d think I’d be over the whole blushing thing by now.
“We did do a lot of drinking yesterday,” Hannah states. I look at her and see she has the same starry-eyed glow that I’ve got, and my intuition tells me that she had a good night as well. As my eyes take in the rest, I realize that we all are pretty relaxed and start laughing.
“Seems to me there are a bunch of
pots calling us kettles black,” I remark.
“Whatever, you two are the last ones down so you get to be picked on,” Smokey retorts.
“Y’all got down here mere minutes before they did,” DJ observes. Smokey sticks his tongue out at her, and she returns the gesture with two middle fingers flying in the air.
“That’s because we took a shower,” I reply, laughing. Smokey’s hair is mussed, and Hannah’s is up in a messy bun, classic for a woman in a hurry.
“So, who’s minding the kids?” I ask the room at large, it’s unusual not to have a little one under your feet...especially when we’re in the kitchen. Our kids love to eat.
“We put the teenagers in charge,” Axe states.
“Wait, you’re entrusting them with that after their decorating?” I hold my laughter hostage, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
He sighs before saying, “They’ll figure it out at some point that less is more.” How he figures this is beyond me...Nan still hasn’t figured that out.
I grab plates and start filling them up. Even after all these years, Nan puts on a spread for us. “So, what’s the plan for today?” I inquire, sitting down next to Travis and grabbing my coffee cup. Ah, nirvana. He shoots me a wink because I am barely functional until I get that first cup in, sometimes it takes two.
“We’re gonna go pick up Leah and Hotah shortly,” Trinity states. I smile because that could have been a major disaster all those years ago when she tried to mend those fences for Chief. Her man was resistant at first, but he finally caved, and they have a close relationship now. And the kids—all of the kids, adore Hotah and Leah.
“Maybe we should clean up some of the confetti and shit,” I muse. “I can just see Hotah’s face when he gets a look at what the girls did.” He’d probably start chanting for the cleaning Gods or something...wish they’d come visit my house after Evie decides that she needs to pull all of her clothes and toys out in one sitting.
A Twisted Kind of Love Page 8