“Looking tired doesn’t make you any less beautiful.”
“Hush!”
She sighed. Patrick was saying all the right things, even doing all the right things. He’d been attentive to both her and Levi. He’d worried about her well-being and made sure she ate, even when she hadn’t wanted to think about food. But the timing just wasn’t right.
“I need to focus on Levi right now. Can you just hold those thoughts until he’s doing better?”
He wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on hers. “I suppose...”
She gave a small sigh.
“Were you alone when Levi was born?” Patrick asked, his entreaty soft and tentative.
She blinked away tears. “I wasn’t alone the entire time. Charlie showed up to check on me, and when he realized I was all alone he refused to leave. He ended up holding my hand and seeing far more of me than a partner should, but he stayed by my side. He’s the closest thing to a grandparent that Levi has.”
Patrick’s voice sounded taut when he replied, “I’m glad he was there for you.”
“Me too.” She turned to face him. “But it made me stronger. It taught me that I didn’t really need anyone else. When you don’t rely on anyone, no one can let you down or hurt you.”
He winced. “That’s a pretty hard-hearted take on life.”
“That’s reality.” She shrugged. “Everyone lets you down sooner or later. It doesn’t shock or surprise me anymore because it’s happened so often. Now it just makes me mad if I let myself get into that position in the first place.”
“Rhiann—”
“You know, it’s the people who make promises of forever that hurt the most. Pete promised me for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and he took off as soon as we found out Levi was sick.”
Pete had hurt her, for sure, but the hurt of her broken marriage was something she could get past. Marriages sometimes ended. Relationships sometimes didn’t work out.
Losing her best friend of so many years had caused far more damage to her ability to trust.
She tilted her head and bit her lip for a moment, wondering if she should voice that truth before saying, “And you... I’d say it was ironic, how fast you cut me out of your life for things that were out of my control, but there was no irony in it. Only shattered trust and the affirmation that I shouldn’t expect even friendship to last forever.”
He took her hand and she could see the struggle on his face as he tried to find words.
“Rhiann, I was broken. Losing Mallory...” he paused to swallow “...and Everly totally broke me. I lashed out at you because you were the one person I could blame. I was so...just so angry with life. Angry with myself for not being there for them, with you for not saving them, with Mallory for leaving me. I could barely function. Taking it out on you was not how I should have handled it, I know. But at the time I couldn’t see that. Until very recently I couldn’t see that.”
She pulled her hand away to swipe at a tear running down her cheek. “The past is the past, right?”
“I owe you an apology for all that transpired. I know I can’t ever make amends for the hurt that I’ve caused you.”
She waved a hand in the direction of the crib, where her son was starting to stir. “Fixing his heart is enough for me. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child, and I hope I never have to find out. I know what it’s like to watch your child grow sicker and sicker, though. And this is the healthiest that Levi has looked in months. I would forgive anyone anything if it would make him better.”
Patrick
His heart pounded in his chest as her words washed over him. She’d forgive anyone anything if it made Levi better.
Including him?
Taking a step back, Patrick inhaled a deep breath. Rhiann hadn’t truly forgiven him, and maybe he didn’t deserve her forgiveness.
Swallowing hard, he wished he could punch away the little voice screaming in his head that he needed her forgiveness. This was exactly why he didn’t want anyone else getting close to him. People got close and then they had the ability to hurt him.
He blinked back what felt suspiciously like tears and strode from the room before he let it slip that her every word was slicing at his heart with a dull scalpel, leaving the type of ragged edges surgeons hated to stitch.
His hand shook as he punched the elevator button. When the elevator took too long he headed for the stairs, jogging down them and wishing that the physical exertion would help him expel the nerves and agitation saturating his body.
When his phone buzzed in his pocket he pulled it out to check the message—from Levi’s nurse, who was worried about him. He took the stairs back up two at a time and was nearly out of breath when he made it to the pediatric cardiology floor.
Levi’s room was filled with nurses. The charge nurse met his eyes and shook her head. “Dr. Scott, I don’t think he was ready to come off the vent.”
He squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Let’s intubate him again.”
Rhiann stepped up to him, hands fisted at her sides. “Can’t you give him some more time? Maybe he just has to get used to not having help?”
He reached for her hand, and when she pulled away his soul felt her rejection. “His O2 levels are dropping and his heart-rate is fluctuating because he’s having trouble breathing. He needs to be intubated to take some of the strain off his heart.”
Moving to the sink, he washed his hands. As he was drying them, Rhiann spun him to face her. Her eyes were filled with tears and she snapped at him.
“Are you doing this because of what I said earlier? That’s petty—even for you.”
Shoulders back, posture rigid, Patrick towered over her and narrowed his eyes as he spoke.
“If you think that’s the kind of man I am we have nothing left to say to each other beyond discussing Levi’s care. You may be his mother, but I am his doctor. And I say he needs to be intubated. That has absolutely nothing to do with you and is one hundred percent because he needs it. Now, back away so that we can take care of Levi or I will have you escorted from this building.”
She backed into the corner, her hand over her mouth, and he turned his attention from her to the little one struggling to breathe in front of him.
“Give me an ET tube.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Patrick
FORTY-EIGHT HOURS passed before he was willing to take Levi off the vent again.
Time was a funny thing. That same forty-eight-hour stretch would pass all too quickly for someone enjoying a few days off work, but it would be excruciatingly long to a parent watching over a sick child.
Patrick found himself thinking it might have been the longest two days in his life. Longer even than when he’d lost his wife and daughter.
But it had to be even worse for Rhiann, he thought as he headed in after another night with little sleep.
He’d left the hospital at the end of visiting hours and now he was back early for rounds. He could probably push and stay later, but he had to work with those nurses regularly and he didn’t want to get on their bad sides.
He didn’t want to think about what they might be saying about him after he’d got caught with Rhiann in his arms and then got into a fight with her in a room full of nurses only a few hours later.
Rhiann was barely speaking to him. Every word was rationed, and their conversations were stilted, perfunctory, and only about Levi.
He stepped into the elevator and punched the number five. The doors had almost closed when he heard Clay call out, “Hold the elevator!”
Reaching out, he jabbed at the “open doors” button. The doors shuddered before opening wide once more.
“Thanks, man,” Clay said with a bit of a huff as he joined Patrick in the elevator car. “I’m dragging this morning. Got rounds before a long day of appointments.”
“I was going to check in on your Tricuspid Atresia kid this morning.”
Clay leaned into the corner and sighed. “I’m worried about that one. The repairs look good. On the ultrasound everything looks like it should. But he’s just not recovering like I’d hoped.”
“I hear that.” Patrick exhaled loudly, his cheeks puffing with the effort. “I’m going to try to extubate Levi again this morning. But I gotta tell ya I’m worried.”
The elevator dinged and the doors opened on the fifth floor.
“Grab some coffee with me and we’ll go round together. You look like you could use a friend this morning.” Clay jerked his head toward the break room. “My treat.”
Patrick shook his head impatiently. “Coffee’s free here, moron.”
“Why do you think I offered to pay for it?” Clay smirked. “Come on. Please?”
With a shrug, Patrick fell into step with Clay and they moved down the hall together. “How late were you out last night?” he asked his partner.
Clay opened the door to the staff lounge. He stopped halfway in the door to look at Patrick. “You always assume I was out. I’ll have you know last night I was in by ten p.m.”
“Date didn’t go well?”
He shrugged. “Reached a point in the relationship where I needed more than a flexible pair of legs and she just didn’t have anything to offer.”
Patrick couldn’t really relate to Clay’s constant dating, the endless search for the perfect woman. He’d found two women in his life he’d been able to see himself having a future with and had been tempted very little beyond that.
Clay poured two coffees and held one out to Patrick. When he saw his partner’s eyes light up with amusement, Patrick’s back went up in preparation.
“You wanna hear the rumors circulating around this place?”
Busying himself with adding cream and sugar to his coffee, Patrick replied, “Probably not, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me anyways.”
Clay grinned. “I hear tell of how a pretty little paramedic and her tiny son have melted the Ice Castle into a slushy puddle of goo.”
Patrick shook his head. “You should know better than to listen to gossip.”
“Oh, I have it on good authority that you’ve not only been caught kissing a patient’s mama at said patient’s bedside, but that you’ve made promises to that sweet baby that have had ovaries bursting all over this floor. There’s gonna be a mess of babies born in nine months that you are directly responsible for.” He clapped Patrick on the shoulder with a laugh.
Sinking down onto one of the couches, Patrick hung his head a bit. Someone had heard his bedside confessional? Damn. Now it would be spreading around the hospital like a wildfire. Hopefully the rumors wouldn’t reach Rhiann before he got her speaking to him again.
Clay kicked at his shoe and Patrick grunted before looking up at him.
“Dude, you and Rhiann have always been the end game. I know you loved Mallory, but Rhiann’s your soul mate.”
“I know.”
“So the rumors are true!” Clay’s smile was so wide you could drive a semi through it. “Good.”
Patrick ignored his partner and stared down into his cup full of coffee. He’d never thought of it in terms of Rhiann being his soul mate. He’d had a massive crush on her for years, of course. From the day they’d met up until the day he met Mallory, to be exact. Surprisingly, the terminology didn’t feel wrong, though.
“You know they’ve stopped calling you Ice Castle, right?”
“Never asked them to call me that to start with,” Patrick replied gruffly.
Clay stole a brownie out of a box on the table. “Now they’re calling you Fudge Brownie, because you’re all gooey where it counts.”
Patrick leaned back and rubbed his eyes. Sometimes he hated this place, and the gossip culture that seemed forged into its very structure. Every hospital was the same, though. The staff thrived on whatever juicy tidbit they could pass along, whatever rumor they could spread at the change of shift.
He hated being the center of that kind of chatter.
Fudge Brownie. He’d never live the indignity of that one down. At least Ice Castle had earned him some respect.
Tossing the now lukewarm coffee, he followed Clay out the door. “What do you think they’ll call me if she never speaks to me again?”
Rhiann
Once Levi had been extubated for the second time, and for two solid days had shown not only no regression but strong improvement, Rhiann let herself relax the slightest bit while Levi slept. The worried vibe in her gut had finally begun to ease.
She stared out the narrow window, with its soulless view of the hospital roof and the side of the adult hospital next door. If she pressed her face to the frigid glass, the corner of the parking garage came into view.
At least this room had some natural light. Often they hadn’t been that lucky.
While she gazed down at the layer of tiny brown pebbles covering the roof, she let her thoughts drift away to a future she wanted but dared not speak of. A future where Patrick played a big role in her life as well as Levi’s.
The only upside to this hellish week was that Patrick had been close by, to break up the monotony of the days. Well, besides the obvious fact that Levi was still alive.
Of course spending so much time with Patrick also had a downside...
Namely, she had dug herself into a hole she’d never get out of by falling in love with him. It didn’t matter that their friendship had been on the rocks for a while. It didn’t matter that she should be focused solely on Levi. When Patrick was around she found herself distracted by the gorgeous cardiac surgeon with the heart-stopping grin.
She had no defense against the way her heart reacted to the sight of him holding her son. And now it looked like she’d ruined that by speaking before she thought.
“Knock-knock,” a soft voice called from the open door behind her.
She spun around to see Marilyn Scott in the doorway, with a small toy bear in her hands.
“I saw this little guy and couldn’t help but get him for Levi.”
“Thanks, but you really don’t have to keep bringing him things.”
It was the fourth little gift she’d brought for Levi this week. He had a stuffed dragon made of red and orange corduroy, a wooden firetruck, and a colorful new storybook as her earlier offerings.
Marilyn sat the bear in the crib next to Levi and ran a hand over his hair. “Of course I do. I’m behind on spoiling him.”
Since Levi’s surgery Patrick’s mother had made her intention of stepping in as Levi’s grandmother crystal-clear. She doted on him when he was awake, celebrating his every tiny accomplishment nearly as much as Rhiann herself. And when the baby was asleep Marilyn prayed over him with a fervor that made Rhiann wistful.
She’d lost her own mother several years back, and with Pete’s parents out of the picture too Levi had never known the love of a grandmother. The closest thing he had to extended family was Charlie, who was more about tickles and fart noises than prayers and gentle caresses.
And, of course, Marilyn had made her opinion on Rhiann and Patrick tiptoeing around each other just as clear. She was enthusiastically cheering them on, her hints as unsubtle as permanent marker on white paper.
Rhiann’s instinct was to deny any feelings on either side, her pulse racing each time. But her heart tended to skip beats, and every inch of her was very aware when Patrick was near. Her heated blushes most likely gave her away, but she still maintained they were merely friends.
Although these last few days, she wasn’t even sure she could truthfully call them that.
“How’s our little man doing today?” Marilyn asked.
“Patrick said he might get to go home tomorrow, actually,” Rhiann told her with a genuine smile. “He’s doing grea
t. He’s still sleeping a lot, but he stood up this morning, and even took a few steps around the edge of the crib. He’s getting upset about the IV, though, so we’ve had to start watching him like a hawk when he’s awake to keep him from pulling it out.”
Marilyn snorted. “The boy has to make up for all the mischief he’s missed out on while he’s been sick. He’ll be climbing walls before you know it.”
Rhiann closed her eyes briefly on a prayer. “I’ll never complain about his activity level—and that’s a promise.”
“Ah, but I bet you might have a word or two to say about the mischief he’ll make. Lord only knows how much Patrick got into as a child. I wish some days for a little of that mischief to return. Now he’s grown up on me. Sometimes I think I should have had a dozen kids, so that I wouldn’t have so much free time now.” She sighed—a long, sad sound. “But wishes aren’t worth the paper they’re written on, are they?”
Rhiann smiled sadly in commiseration. She’d always wanted to have several children, but she wasn’t sure that would happen now, given her current relationship status. “I don’t know if Levi will ever have a sibling, but maybe someday.”
Marilyn winked at her. “I have faith.”
She hugged the older woman. “Thank you. For your faith and for being here this week.”
“Where else would I be?”
A tap on the doorframe brought Rhiann’s head around.
“Charlie!” She moved away from Marilyn to pull her partner in for a hug. “I wondered when you’d get around to showing your ugly mug.”
“Some of us have jobs,” he teased, tugging at a lock of Rhiann’s hair. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with your hair down...”
“It’s good to see you again, Charlie.” Marilyn nodded at him.
Charlie smiled a mega-watt smile at the older woman. “Trust me, Mrs. Scott, it’s my pleasure.”
Patrick’s mom returned his smile with one of her own. “I’ve been meaning to ask...how did the fundraiser turn out? There was quite a crowd, so I imagine it went well.”
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