“You deserved it. I promise I won’t hit you again, but I will give you a hug, because it’s what you need right now.”
He took me into his strong arms and just allowed me the time to let my feelings out. When I was done, we rode the horses back to the stables, and then I left for home.
I wasn’t sure what I would say once I got there, but I knew I couldn’t avoid the much-needed heart-to-heart that I needed to have with my wife.
I looked up to the sky in hopes that Jamie would give me some kind of sign about what to do. I missed him so much, and if there were ever a time to send me some divine intervention, this moment would be it.
Shelby
After Shane left this morning for parts unknown, I just sat alone at the kitchen table, nursing the same cup of coffee for an hour without moving. I just sat there with no clue what to do next. I wanted to rush after him and beg him to stay, but I knew I could not do that.
Once I did get up, I took the hottest shower of my life to possibly wash away all the wrong that was between me and Shane. I knew I broke him first, then losing our son broke him again, and then blaming him for that loss completely destroyed him. He hadn’t said the words to me, and maybe that was the problem standing between us. I was the one that put it all on him, and up until yesterday, I took zero responsibility for the accident and our son’s death.
I knew what had to happen and it scared the hell out of me. He needed to say the words. He needed to claim it and make me own it, because if he didn’t, then we truly had no chance at making us work again. I wiped away my tears and washed my face the minute I heard his truck pull up in front of the house.
“He’s home, Shelby. He came home to you, so now go to him and tell him how much you love him. Be brave enough to face this head-on with your husband. You got this, Shelby. Just ask him the one question you never had the courage to ask him before today, and suck it up, no matter what he responds back to you. You’ve got this, Shelby. You are so strong, and you’ve been through a hell of a lot. Talking to your husband should be the easiest thing in the world to do. Now, go get him.”
I gave myself the much-needed pep talk without knowing that Shane was standing off in the doorway, listening to every word I just said to bolster my confidence. Where is a rock so I can crawl under it and die?
“Shane, I didn’t hear you come in,” I said, flustered, stumbling over my words in embarrassment.
“Clearly.” He bit his bottom lip trying to hold in his laughter.
“Shit! You heard me, didn’t you?”
Shane actually held his stomach and laughed until he began wheezing. It was like he was having a fit or something pretty close to it, but it was also the happiest sound in the world. Wow, I didn’t know how much I missed this side of him. This right here was my Shane.
“Okay, you can stop laughing now.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, baby, but I needed that. Come here.”
His arms were extended, and I just about leaped into them. He kissed me in between the last vestiges of his laughter and then held my face and placed kisses on my forehead.
“I love you. I needed to laugh before I…” He hesitated for a few beats, and then the rare happy look Shane had worn was gone and replaced with uncertainty. He said, “We need to talk, and this time I will tell you everything.”
“It’s late. Are you hungry?” I asked him before stepping out of his arms.
He shook his head no, and then I just decided to rip off the Band-Aid and give Shane the go-ahead to either heal…or break us forever. There was no in-between anymore.
“Whatever you have to say, just say it,” I said.
“Come and sit with me, please.”
I followed him into the living room, where earlier I had lit a fire. It was too tempting to sit by the fire, since it held so many memories of the two of us making love in front of it. I took a seat in the oversized chair, while Shane sat across from me on the sofa, a table separating us.
“Shelby, you know that I love you.”
“And I love you.”
“Well, that’s good to know, but sometimes it’s not enough.”
“You’re scaring me.”
“I don’t mean to, but I’m scared too, Shelby. It feels as if I have been in this mind-numbing fog for the past year, and it’s cold, draining, and unforgiving. It drags me down and suffocates me at times. I fight to get out, and then I’m faced with another barrier that will not let me rise to the surface to break down the walls to where I’ll be free. Free to return to the life I had before I said goodbye to you on that morning when the life we had just shattered and died on the side of the road.”
His words were blades slicing me into shredded ribbons. I deserved this, and I was the one that asked him to tell me everything.
He said, “I shouldn’t have made love to you last night. It was a mistake, and I was wrong to do that to you. I lost complete control and took what I wanted, never considering your feelings. I was still very drunk and at a low point in my life. I argued with my father, resulting in him hitting me and knocking me to the ground, where I stayed and drank some more. I never expected for you to say the words you did when I came home, and then I used those words for my own pleasure to ease the mountain of guilt that I have been carrying with me. For one fucking minute, I just wanted to feel something other than pain, and I took that out on you. I’m so sorry, baby, and sorrier if I hurt you in any way.”
I rushed over to him and got down on my knees, taking his hands in mine. He looked distraught.
I could not have him taking anymore blame. “Listen to me. You did not hurt me. You did not use me. You would never do that. Even with the rawest emotions raging through you, I still believe you would exercise control and never push me further than I could handle. Please don’t degrade what we shared last night, not when it meant so much to me to be that close to you again. Shane, for me, it felt like a new beginning.”
He pulled back his hands as if my touch tainted him. He looked disgusted and got up and paced the room. “How could you say that? Dammit, Shelby, do you know me at all? Yes, our lovemaking has always been explosive, but it has never been laced with volatile emotion. And then I had a fucking nightmare that you had to witness.”
“And? Don’t you think I haven’t had the same nightmare haunting me? I know I made a catastrophic mistake by getting behind the wheel even after you begged me to wait for the ambulance. I should have listened. I don’t know why I allowed my panic to get the best of me. That accident changed my life—our life—together and ended all hope for us ever having any more children. That’s on me, Shane, and I will no longer blame you. You have to say it. Tell me, Shane, please.”
“Fine! I fucking blame you! You had time to wait, but you wouldn’t listen to me and then you hung up, and I couldn’t reach you. I couldn’t reach anyone on that fateful day, and I was driving in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do but drive and hope I reached you in time. And then you just shut me out. You blamed me every single day for months, reminding me over and over again how I wasn’t here for you and our son, and how I am the reason for his loss when we both know what happened to him was not my fault. Shelby, do you have any idea how much that hurt me? How much that literally destroyed every piece of me? It was not all at once either. It was a slow and painful torture that just ate away at me until you pushed me away again for the last time, resulting in me almost drinking myself to death up on that ridge.”
“Shane, oh my god. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Stop saying that! I told you I can’t stand to hear those words again. I know you’re sorry, just as I have been, but does it matter at this point? It took my father reminding me that our son’s death was something greater than that fucking accident. We had no way of knowing about the knots in his cord. We would have lost him no matter what, Shelby, and as sad as that would have been, we would have gotten through it together and tried again when we were ready. But you took that away from us by getting behind that whe
el and driving recklessly on that day. So, yes, I fucking blame you for that choice just as much as you blame me for leaving on my trip.”
He let out a deep breath and slammed the walls with his fists. I remained where I was just crying and reeling from every word he shouted at me. I knew I had hurt him but never realized how much. He gave me what I asked for, and it hurt like hell to sit here and relive it all again with Shane, something we have never done until now.
I got up off the floor and slowly walked over to him. His muscled back was hard as a rock with layers of tension. He didn’t look at me, and I was unsure if I should touch him. Cautiously I walked closer and wrapped my arms around his waist.
He didn’t push me away but still remained quiet. It was okay; he was giving me more than I deserved. I placed my cheek on his back and breathed him in. I held back my tears and whispered how much I loved him and didn’t voice any more apologies, just whispers of love for my husband and hope that he would find it in his heart to forgive me.
“Shane, will you please turn around and look at me?”
He did without hesitation, and that’s when I saw them. His eyes were filled with tears that were falling down his face. It wasn’t often he showed this side to me, maybe not ever; cowboys don’t cry. But he was more than that, he was my husband, and he was hurting right now.
I told him, “I love you, and I don’t want you to feel bad for telling me the truth. It’s what I asked for. You needed to do that, and now all I am hoping for is that you will try to find it in your heart to forgive me. I want you, Shane, and our marriage. I will do anything to make us right again. All that I ask is for you not to leave and to work it out here with me. Can you do that?”
“I didn’t believe you would want to after I told you the truth.”
“I’m stronger than you think, and it took me a long time to finally admit the truth to myself and to come to terms with it all. Wendy helped me finally see the truth, and it was a hard pill to swallow, but I’m glad I did it, because it has brought us here together at this moment. I’m here, Shane, and I promise you with everything I have inside of me that I will never hurt you again and never push you away. I love you. I want you and our life together. Please, please, Shane, am I too late?”
Shane
Feeling the weight of the world suddenly lift away from my shoulders, I looked deeply into Shelby’s eyes and whispered, “You’re not too late. I may not know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that I don’t want to face it without you.”
“Oh, Shane, I love you so much. Does this mean you forgive me? I mean really forgive me for everything I put you through?”
“Before today, I truly didn’t know if I could, and then you challenged me to finally face the truth. For some reason, I could do it, when all the times before I shied away from talking to you in fear that you would run. So when I finally let it all out today, I think I’m still in shock that you stayed. I wasn’t sure you would but then I walked through the door and saw you.”
“Shane, no matter how much you screamed at me, I knew the truth finally needed to be voiced. I’m not angry, babe, just the opposite. I’m relieved that everything is out in the open now, and we can finally be honest with each other again. I am not naïve in believing that we can just skip over the past and behave as if everything is okay. I know it’s going to take work and a lot of patience, but if I know we can be united on this subject, then I think it will make it easier for the both of us, don’t you?”
“I agree. I love you, and I will not give up on us. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to begin counseling again with Wendy. If you’re not comfortable with her, then we could find someone else, but it’s needed.”
“Wendy is fine by me. I trust her completely.”
“Okay, I’ll give her a call in the morning to schedule a few appointments, and then we will see how it goes.”
“Okay, sounds good. Um, Shane, may I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything,” I replied and leaned in to give her a kiss.
“Will you make love to me?”
I literally felt a rush of exhilaration hearing her question. I wanted to scream “yes” at the top of my lungs, but I also believed we may not be ready to go there again. However, the look in her eyes was telling me different.
“I want to, believe me, but are you sure? Especially after today?”
“Absolutely sure. No matter what you believe, husband, I felt our connection last night as we made love, and I don’t regret anything. If that was you unleashing some long overdue aggression, then I’m happy it was me that you took it out on. I know that may sound sadistic, but I don’t care. You are my husband, and no matter how upset you are, I know in my heart that I am safe with you. I need you, Shane. I need to feel you inside of me again. I need everything. Please don’t say no.”
Without another word spoken, I lifted my girl into my arms and carried her upstairs to our bedroom and shut the rest of the world out. This time around, I took my time with my wife with slow and considerate intentions.
I removed her from her clothing as I allowed her to undress me too. I walked us into our huge shower and let the hot water spray down on us. She was loving as she gently caressed my skin with the plush sponge. I felt ripples of pleasure ignite through me as she began her descent to my lower region, making my dick come to life. I couldn’t wait any longer, and it was like Shelby knew and dropped to her knees to take me deep into her mouth.
I shouted out an instant satisfied reaction but then quickly hoisted her up by her shoulders. I wanted to come inside of her, and it wouldn’t be in her mouth. She easily wrapped her legs around my waist as I entered her with her back against the shower wall. This would be quick and rough and not what I had intended to begin our night with, but she wasn’t complaining as she bit down hard on my shoulder and shouted my name.
I loved it when she was all worked up like this. She was happy and wanted this just as much as I did. I came so hard that my body was shaking while still holding up Shelby. When I finally placed her down, her knees went a little weak. She flashed a beautiful smile at me, and we began to wash up again before stepping out.
Once we were dried off, she simply put on a robe, and I put on a pair of boxers and sprawled out in front of the fireplace we had in our bedroom. I knew we had so much to talk about and we would, but for now, I just wanted to be here with Shelby and enjoy the moment we were having.
The robe didn’t stay on long as I took her again, showing her how much she was wanted and loved, reassuring her that we would be okay. It was what I believed for the first time since losing our son, and although she didn’t say the words, I knew she believed the same.
Shane
After a few conversations with Wendy, she felt we would be better off talking with one of her colleagues who did not know us and who could offer a perspective that Wendy couldn’t because of how close she was to us.
I wasn’t happy about it, because I didn’t trust too many people. After what Shelby and I had been through, we needed someone to truly be on our side, and that person was Wendy. She agreed to continue to counsel me one-on-one, but not as a couple. Shelby tried to calm my nerves and told me that everything would be alright, but I still had my reservations.
It had been a couple of weeks since our explosive reconciliation, and in that time, we talked every single day and caught up with each other with everything we missed as a couple over the past year. Yes, we were together and lived under the same roof, but we had lived as practical strangers constantly at war hurting each other because we could not move beyond our loss. Now, it was all changed, and we had a renewed purpose in our future.
Shelby squeezed my hand to reassure me, but I didn’t want to be here at all. A few minutes later, a smart-looking woman probably in her early fifties walked out and greeted us. She was impeccably dressed, making me feel out of place with my standard jeans and cowboy boots. Shelby nudged me, and I finally rose from my seat to say hello.
&nbs
p; “Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes, Hi, I’m Dr. Palmyra Whitfield, but let’s cut the formalities. Just call me Myra. I tried ‘pal’ once, but then all my clients kept inviting me over for dinner and I gained too much weight.”
I’m so out of here. Thank you, Wendy, I said quietly to myself.
“That was a joke, Mr. Rhodes. Please, follow me into my office, and we will talk.”
Did the good doctor have the ability to read thoughts too? I’d rather chop wood for three more hours than have to sit here and listen to someone analyze my life. Shelby flashed me a look and then I remembered my promise to try.
I awkwardly laughed but reluctantly followed the comedic doctor. Once inside, she closed the door behind her and gestured for us to take a seat on the plush sofa as she took the chair in front of us.
“You look nervous, Mr. Rhodes. Are you?”
“No, nervous is the last emotion I’m feeling right now,” I said as Shelby squeezed my hand.
“Very well, why don’t you tell me the first then?”
“Excuse me?”
“You said nervousness was the last emotion you are currently feeling right now, so if that’s the last, then I’m curious what the first is. I would like for you to tell me how you are feeling.”
“I don’t want to be here.”
“Why is that?”
“Pretty simple: I don’t want to be here.”
“Again, why?”
“Shane…” Shelby cut in.
“No, Mrs. Rhodes, I would like for your husband to continue.”
“It’s been a long and hard year,” I said.
“And?”
“And what? What do you want me to say here, lady?”
“You can start by giving me one straight answer as to why you are so uncomfortable. It’s not as if you are not familiar with therapy. You’ve been attending counseling sessions with Wendy Manning for years now, so what’s the issue?”
“I’m out of here.” I got up to stand, and that’s when Shelby reached for my arm and demanded for me to sit back down. I knew I had pissed her off. That would be the last thing I wanted to do, but this office seemed so fucking clinical. I felt as if I was under the microscope with all her questions.
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