by S. M. Shade
“Sorry, Mama,” he says, and bursts into giggles again when the bird repeats it.
He’s distracted from it when I pull out the other gifts I have for him, a pack of little monster trucks and a bag of plastic dinosaurs. After he rushes off to his room to play with his new toys, Rachel and I get a chance to talk.
“Rach, he’s so great.”
She beams after him. “He really is. I was horrified when I got pregnant, you know, but I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“You’ve done an amazing job. Being a single mom seems so hard. I can’t imagine being responsible for another person. Just keeping myself on track is difficult enough.”
“You seem like you’re doing well. In college and everything, just like you always planned.” She grins. “Do you remember when we were in elementary school, and you used to get mad at me for saying I was going to run away to travel the world on a scooter instead of going to college?”
“Oh my god, I forgot all about that.”
We talk for over an hour, just filling each other in on our lives and how things are going. It doesn’t take me long to realize Mom’s snapshot of the description she gave when I asked how Rachel was doing is way off. She’s not a desperate single mother scrounging to make ends meet. She makes decent money as a waitress, plus child support that the court ordered Colby’s father to pay. And another income stream that shocks me.
“You do porn?” I whisper, and she slaps my arm.
“No! Not like…you know, that. I have a private account where I post nudes, and men pay for access. I take some requests for what to wear, et cetera. I make more from that than my day job.”
Her expression is cautious as she watches my reaction. “Oh my god, Rach, please.” I lay my hands on hers. “Please let me be there if you ever tell Mom.” We burst into giggles, and my eyes well up as I realize how much I’ve missed her.
We didn’t get along great once we hit the teen years, but I’m reminded of countless memories of nights of us giggling in our beds after bedtime, and Mom shouting for us to go to sleep.
“The scandal,” she cries dramatically.
“I really want us to have a relationship again. I missed you.”
“I want that too.”
Colby comes in the room while we’re hugging. “Can I take my new dinos over to show Neddie?”
Rachel texts someone and then gives him permission. “Ms. Stephanie is watching for you. Just knock on the door. Quinn is there too, and I don’t want to hear about you being mean to him again,” she warns.
“Ugh,” Colby groans, slipping his shoes on. “He smells like a bag of buttholes.”
“Colby!”
“What? I didn’t curse! I’ll be nice, I promise.”
“Do you want to give Aunt Remee a hug before you go?”
He runs over to me without hesitation, and my heart melts when sweet little arms wrap around my neck. “See you later, Aunt Remee. I like you.”
“I like you too, Colby.”
Rachel opens the door and stands just outside of it, watching him as he walks down the hall until the neighbor lets him in. She waves and shuts the door. “The neighbor who babysits him has a boy in his preschool class.”
“That’s nice he has a friend so close.”
With Colby off on a playdate, Rachel pours us both a glass of wine, and we sit out on her little balcony. “Are you happy?” I ask. It’s the question throbbing in my brain. I’ve always equated perfection and success to happiness, but what Rachel has doesn’t seem bad.
Her head tilts as she considers the question. “Most of the time. I have my son. I don’t hate my job. I have a decent place to live, and there’s a guy I’m seeing, though it’s early days. I haven’t introduced Colby to him yet. So yeah, I’m pretty happy.” Her gaze lands on mine. “Are you?”
“I…things are going good. I’m ahead of schedule with my classes. Still top of the class. I screwed up a resume building opportunity this summer, but I don’t think it’ll affect my future too badly.”
“That wasn’t an answer.”
“I thought I was happy, but…there’s this guy. He’s a friend I’ve known for a few years. We slept together and now things are complicated.”
Her lips press together as she looks at me. “You fell for him?”
With a sigh, I know the truth when it comes out. “We fell for each other.”
“What’s the problem?”
Me. I’m the problem. “I’m afraid of making a mistake that’ll ruin the rest of my life.”
Rachel sits back and regards me. “Like I did?”
After a deep breath, I nod. “I did think that, and I can’t say how happy I am it isn’t true. You lost everyone when you got pregnant, and I lost you. All I had left was Mom, but I knew one wrong step would leave me alone too.”
“To anxiety bred abandonment issues,” Rachel says, tapping her glass of wine on mine. “We reacted differently to the extremes we were raised in. You always tried to be good enough, and I thought I’d never be, so I rebelled. They messed us both up in different ways, but we’re adults now. Old enough to recognize the truth. The whole world doesn’t turn against you because you made a mistake. Controlling narcissists do. Having Colby put a lot of things in perspective for me, because I’ll tell you, that boy could come home carrying a human head, and I’d know I had a body to bury while I swear my baby wouldn’t do that.”
“I’ve known him a few hours and I’d help you,” I laugh. The light starts to fade from the sky, streaking it with pink and lavender while I struggle with the myriad of thoughts in my head. It feels good to talk to Rachel like this, like we did as little kids. She’s grown up so much, and the life experience she’s gained has matured her.
“I’ve always had a plan and falling in love isn’t part of it, at least not yet. Not until I’m set in my career.”
“What you do for a living or how you live shouldn’t matter one bit to someone who loves you. Success isn’t some toll you pay on the way to happiness. You don’t have to earn the privilege of being loved.” Her words are still sinking in when she asks, “The guy…”
“Owen.”
“Owen. Would you feel the same about him if he dropped out of college and decided to take a low paying job that makes him happy?”
Owen’s goofy smile flashes in my head, and I’m surprised at my answer. “Yes.”
Rachel gives a shrug and a smile. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t care about your career and future. You’re smart as hell and you’ve always worked hard. You deserve to have the life you want. I’m just saying everything isn’t as dire as we were brought up to believe. You can relax a little and have a life outside of work.”
Maybe she’s right. I’ve always been accused of being stubborn once I make my mind up about something, and I haven’t let myself even entertain the idea of being with Owen. My brain screamed “not in the plan!” and I’ve done everything I can to accept that. I’ve fought off the intruding thoughts of but what if over and over again. Mentally slapped my hand for thinking about it.
“Do you have a picture of him?” Rachel asks, and I swipe through my phone until I find the one of both of us on our first day at the job site. Was that only a couple of months ago? It feels like so much has changed since then. Rachel smiles at the picture of us wearing hard hats and grinning at the camera. “Well, that’s adorable. He’s hot.”
“Yeah, he is,” I agree.
My phone buzzes in my hand, and Mom’s name pops up. Rachel shakes her head. “Don’t tell her you’re at my place. I’m not talking to her.”
Nodding, I accept the call.
“Remee!” she snaps with no kind of hello. “Do you want to tell me why I had some boy at my door looking for you?”
“I—what? Who?”
“I thought you said you weren’t seeing anyone! Is that why you came into town to hook up with some pickup driving, goofy kid? I thought you had a better head o
n your shoulders. You know what can happen.”
It can’t be. He would’ve only gotten home from Florida yesterday, and I haven’t had a text or call from him. “Mom, who was it?”
“He said his name was Owen, and he is right this minute parked down the street waiting for you to come back even though I told him to leave.”
Oh my god. “I’ll take care of it.”
“I can’t believe you—” For the first time in my life, I hang up on my mother. I’m not going to listen to her tear into me over something that isn’t any of her business.
With my heart trying to burst through my chest, I turn to Rachel. “He’s here! Owen! He showed up at Mom’s looking for me!”
“I like him already. Well,” Rachel gets to her feet. “Get off your ass and go find him.”
Chapter Nineteen
Owen
Remee’s mother is not nice. That’s putting it mildly. Who knows what her problem is, but she isn’t going to help me get in touch with her. I could call, but that gives her the opportunity to say no, and I really want to talk to her in person. From where I’m parked, I’ll be able to see her if she comes back to her mother’s, but I can’t just sit here like a stalker all day. Well, I can, but there’s no guarantee she’s coming back here.
My phone lights up with a text from Remee.
Remee: Are you seriously sitting outside my Mom’s house?
Me: Of course not. I’m down the street a bit.
It takes her a moment to respond, but when she does, I let out a sigh of relief.
Remee: Drury Hotel on 6th avenue. Room 23. I’m on my way there.
Me: So am I.
It isn’t far to the hotel, which is nicer than the one I left. Remee’s car is in the parking lot, and I barely have to tap on the door to her room before she opens it. An awkward moment ensues after I’ve stepped inside, while we stare at each other.
“What are you doing here?”
“Oh, you know, I’ve always wanted to see Illinois. Land of Lincoln, tornadoes…um, that Superman statue.”
My rambling is brought to a halt by her lips on mine. She wraps her arms around my neck and thrusts her tongue into my mouth. It’s not the reaction I expected, but damned if I can resist. She groans when I back her against the wall. Everything I’ve felt in the last three weeks surges into the kiss, and I feel it from her as well. All the hurt and anxiety and anger. We could tear each other apart.
It feels endless, like pouring ourselves into each other. Hands grabbing and groping. We jar the wall, knocking a cheap painting from it, and the crack of it against the floor draws my attention away long enough to get control of myself.
I missed her, but sex isn’t what I came here for.
“It’s fine,” she says, shoving the painting aside with her foot and reaching for me again.
“Wait, Rem.” Taking a deep breath, I lean my forehead on the top of her head.
A second later I feel her shoulders shake, and her words come out on a sob. “I’m sorry. I…god, Owen, I’m a mess.” She pulls away from me and walks across the room.
During our time apart, I wondered and sometimes hoped she was feeling every bit as bad as I was. That she was missing me like I was her. Now that I’m face to face with it, it tears my heart out. I have to make her see this can work.
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not!” she cries, shaking her head as I put my arms around her again. “I thought I knew what I was doing, but I hurt you. I thought I knew what I should do. I had a plan! Now I’m so confused.”
Hugging her tight, I speak softly into her ear. “Remee, I mean this with all my heart. Fuck your plan.”
Drawing back, her gaze lands on mine. “What?”
“Fuck your plan. Make a new one with me.”
“You don’t understand. I’m so screwed up. I don’t know why you even want me.”
Taking her hand, I lead her over to the tiny love seat between the bed and the window. “I want you because you’re kind and thoughtful. You never get embarrassed by me, or try to get me to calm down or change. You try to be serious and hold yourself back, but when you let go and have fun, it’s a beautiful thing to see. Your drive and ambition are inspiring. I’d never get in the way of that. I want you to succeed and get everything you want, Rem, because I love you.”
Her head jerks up, and wide eyes look into mine.
“You heard me. That’s what I came here to tell you. I’m in love with you.” She licks her lips as I run my fingers down a lock of her hair. “You don’t have to say anything right now. I just needed you to know. I want to be with you. The decision is yours.”
I plant a soft kiss on her lips and start toward the door. Exhaustion is finally starting to catch up with me, physically and mentally. I’m going to get a room and crash for about ten hours.
“Owen,” she calls. Her cheeks are pink, her eyelashes dark from her tears as she fidgets with the edge of her shirt. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
No chance in a frozen hell I can say no. “Okay.” I point my finger at her. “But no more dick for you. I’m not easy anymore. You want the cock you have to buy the bull.”
It’s the first smile I’ve seen from her since I got here. “I’ll try to control myself.”
After borrowing her shower, I crawl into bed beside her. It doesn’t feel awkward like it did on that last night in Florida, but she keeps a little distance between us. Despite the anxiety of what tomorrow might bring, whether I’ll have to go back home without her or not, my body has had enough, and I fall asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.
The weight of an arm tucked around me, and her head on my chest registers before I even open my eyes. I don’t know how long she’s been awake, but she looks up at me with a small smile. “Hey,” she whispers.
“Hey. Watching a man sleep is a little creepy. Just so you know.”
“Good thing you slept through the fondling then.”
She cuddles against me, and I run my fingers through her hair. “How long have you been awake?”
“A while. I needed some quiet time to think.”
I’ve said what I needed to say and our future is in her hands now, but it’s hard not to try to convince her.
She slides her hand up to my cheek and looks me in the eye. “I might be confused about a lot, but I know one thing. I’m in love with you, too.”
Hope rushes in, and I try not to let it. I’m thrilled to have her love, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be with me. I roll onto my side and pull her into my arms, holding her tight.
“I’m afraid,” she confesses.
“I know.”
“Not just of changing my plan. I’ve never been in a real relationship. What if I do something wrong?”
“We’re both going to make mistakes, baby. That’s just life. We’ll talk and work things out.”
There’s a hesitance in her silence. “You won’t…leave?”
“Because we have an argument or a disagreement? Of course not. Why would you think that?”
With a sigh, she starts to explain her worries. Her way of thinking makes a lot more sense as she tells me about parents who allowed no mistakes, a father who abandoned her, and the sister who was tossed aside, driving home the lessons already put in her head. In her mind, one wrong move can lead to tragedy and loss. No wonder she’s so paranoid of screwing up.
“My sister threw everything away for a guy who didn’t even stick around long enough to see the baby. I was determined that wasn’t going to happen to me. I was going to do everything perfect. Stick to my plan. I’m just starting to understand that maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.” She grins up at me. “I got to see Rachel yesterday. She’s happy. And I have a four year old nephew who’s adorable. She may have made a mistake getting pregnant so young and by the wrong man, but it didn’t ruin her life. She has a beautiful son.”
Remee sits up, and I scoot up beside her. “I don’t want to set those limitations on myself anymor
e. I don’t want to be alone and miserable because I’m afraid to take a risk.” Her hand slides into mine. “If you still want to take a chance on me.”
“You want to be my girlfriend?”
“More than anything.”
“Thank fuck,” I breathe, kissing her. She lies back, and it feels amazing to have her body under mine again. Like I’m home.
“Does this mean you’ll put out again?” she teases.
“Absolutely.” I reach under her and squeeze her ass. “Boyfriends get back door access, right?”
“We’ll talk about it.”
Her giggles fade while we rid one another of our clothes and spend the next hour making up for three weeks of longing for each other. When we finish, and I lie beside her, all I can think is how lucky I am. How happy she makes me, and how happy I’m going to make her.
“Are you close to your family?” she asks.
“I am. I don’t get to see enough of them.”
“All those boys,” she chuckles. “Your poor mom.” Most people are surprised to find out I’m one of six kids. All boys. “We’re perfect angels.”
“Ha! I bet.” Her phone rings, and she answers it, scooting out of bed. After talking for a few minutes, she turns to me.
“You can absolutely say no if you aren’t ready to meet my family, but my sister wants to know if we’d like to meet them for an early dinner at a pizza place and arcade.”
Sitting up, I hold up my index finger. “Just answer one question. It’s absolutely vital. Is there a ball pit?”
Her lips crease at the edges. “Yes, there is.”
“I’m in.”
The only family of Remee’s I’ve met is her mother, and only for a few minutes. To say it didn’t go well is an understatement, but right away it’s clear it won’t be the same with Rachel. She’s nice, and we have no difficulty carrying on a conversation while Remee takes the first turn playing with her nephew.
The kid is awesome. A true born smart ass and troublemaker. Rachel laughs when I comment on that fact.