by Ali Dean
As I take in the living room opening to a back patio, I notice a dog door just as Dave comes barreling in. He spots me immediately and charges. I’m on my hands and knees getting slobbered all over as I try to contain my giggles long enough to figure out why Dave has a dog door here. When we returned to Ohio last summer for football season, we decided to leave Dave with Jim this time. We were both traveling so much it was hard to give him the attention he needed.
“We connected our back yards,” Gran explains. “Made a little door for Dave here so he could see both of us whenever he wanted.”
“We would have told you,” Jim adds. “But Jace wanted to keep the new house a secret.” We’d left Jim in charge of Dave partly because he had a yard, and Gran’s apartment didn’t. Between the two of them, I bet Dave’s spoiled rotten.
When Jace joins me a moment later, I sense something’s off before I even look at him. He should be relaxed, happy to give me the surprise of this new house, excited to have Gran show us around. All our favorite foods are piled high on plates and casserole dishes in the kitchen. It should be warmth and comfort settling in around us but instead I feel stiffness and something else coming from Jace as he scratches under Dave’s chin.
His jaw flexes when I turn to look at him, and his eyes are distant. “What’s up?” I ask.
“I have a few more fundraisers on my schedule than I thought.”
My stomach drops. We’ve both been looking forward to getting into a somewhat regular routine, really living together. Yes, we’ve been married almost three years, but with our schedules, it sometimes feels like we’re living separate lives.
“Well, I know you’ve got one back in Ohio next month. And the car campaign thing in California the month after that. Are there more?”
Jace’s chin drops and his eyes close briefly. “Drake says New York wants me at an event next weekend. They heard I was in Denver, and want to reach out, show their interest. I don’t know if Denver will take me yet, so I can’t close that door.” And New York won the Super Bowl. That would be an incredible trade, if Denver didn’t work out. But I’d hate New York. Where would I run? Central Park. I’ve been to a couple races there over the years and the place made my chest squeeze, like I couldn’t get enough air. If I thought Denver was too busy and smoggy, New York took it to an entirely different level. But this wasn’t about me. Not really.
“Okay. Well, we’ll have the week together to get settled in and catch up with everyone.”
Jace nods tightly. “Only a few days. I leave on Wednesday. I have to do a photo shoot for Zoran, and Drake figured it’d be best to schedule it when I’m in New York anyway.” Zoran’s an athletic clothing line that’s one of Jace’s top sponsors.
The lightness I felt only a moment earlier when we turned onto Shadow Lane floats away, replaced with melancholy. How is it possible to finally be home, but feel so sad and empty at the same time?
Chapter Four
Jace
When Pepper took off for her second run of the day, I knew I needed to work out too. Not because staying in shape was my job. If anything, now was the one time of year I could get away with a day or two off from the gym. No, I needed to work some of my frustration out of my system.
I’d get too much attention if I went to the UC gym, so I headed to Wesley’s place, which had a private gym. Wes knew I was back and was expecting me when I pulled up to his house. He had his own place in Brockton now. I hadn’t seen it yet, but I’d known by the address that it was nice. It was partway up the foothills, where all the homes had views. The home was modern but it wasn’t flashy. Wes was set for life, and he hadn’t taken a penny from his parents, as far as I knew. He’d sold a couple of mobile apps early on, while the rest of us were in college, and then used the money he made from those to build an online security program or some shit. I honestly couldn’t follow the dude when he got talking in his computer lingo. But I did know he’d sold the program to some guys in Silicon Valley for a shitload of money, so much that Wes didn’t have to work again if he didn’t want to.
So, he had a home gym and worked out all the time, dabbled in some other computer projects, and was trying to get his new wife pregnant. Zoe Burton – now Zoe Jamison – was teaching fourth grade at the same elementary school we’d all gone to. When no one answered the door I went around back, where I wasn’t surprised to find the two lovebirds lounging in a hot tub. The sight of them cozy together made me fucking happy as hell, but also made something inside me twist unpleasantly. They had what Pepper and I couldn’t have – time together, relaxing on a Saturday afternoon like normal young couples. A home in the hometown where we wanted to live. Was this what jealousy felt like? The only other time I could recall feeling jealous was when Pepper dated Ryan Harding my senior year of high school. This tightness in my chest was different. It wasn’t acute and violent, but more like a longing. I wanted to give this life to Pepper, but it was out of my control. And damn that pissed me off.
Wes hopped out of the tub when he saw me and grabbed a nearby towel.
We grinned like fools at each other before going in for a hug and back slaps. “It’s good to see you, bro,” he said, eyeing me up and down. “Damn. You got even bigger since Christmas, man.”
“For a lazy-ass retiree, you aren’t looking so bad yourself,” I remarked. Wes was probably in the best shape of his life, from what I could tell. “You look into male modeling, dude? You’re cut. And you got that pretty blond hair,” I taunted, mostly honestly, as I reached for the lock of hair falling over his forehead.
He batted my hand away. “Fuck off, dude. I’m training for an Ironman this summer. I can probably even run with Pepper sometimes while she’s here.”
Zoe nudged her husband out of the way and gave me a tight hug. She was one of the only other people in the world who knew that Wesley Jamison was my half-brother, that we shared the same dad. Zoe was my sister-in-law and when they had kids, they’d be my nieces and nephews. Why was I thinking about that shit right now?
I shook my head to snap out of it. Something about being back in our hometown had me all soft.
“This place is unreal, you guys. Nicely done.” The huge patio overlooked Brockton below, the view so expansive I could see the football field and the track in the distance.
“We thought we’d throw a little welcome home party for you guys next weekend,” Zoe offered.
The knot in my chest tightened. “Shit, sorry Zoe. I have to leave on Wednesday for a few days.”
“Oh, bummer,” she said, not hiding her disappointment. “Another time.”
I punched Wes on the shoulder. “All right, man, show me your weight room. Some of us have to work for a living.”
Wes shook his head at my dig but gestured for me to follow him inside, where floor to ceiling windows displayed the view. My dad had used the word “magnificent” to describe Wes’s house, and I thought maybe he was drunk because I’d never heard him use that word before and it didn’t sound like him at all. But now that I’d gotten a glimpse of inside and outside, I get why Dad expanded his vocabulary to describe it. I was fucking proud of my brother.
Wes gave me a quick tour of the upstairs and main floor before taking me to the basement, where he led me to a huge gym with all the equipment I needed to bust my ass. “This is perfect, man. It’s cool if I use this while we’re here?”
Wes didn’t even bother to answer. “You’ve got the codes if we’re not home. Might want to text first if it’s not school hours. We could be naked.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t need to see that.”
As I walked over to connect my iPhone to the stereo and set up some tunes, Wes told me, “You know, there’s a place for sale up the road.” He might as well be pulling on the knot in my chest with both hands.
I took a deep breath, trying to ease the pressure. “You think they’d rent it for a while?”
“What? No. Don’t rent, dude. You can stay here.”
I kept my head down as I
searched for the right playlist on my phone to plug into the speakers. Fuck, I hated not having a permanent home. Not for me, that wasn’t the problem. But for Pepper. She deserved more. “I’ll talk to Pepper. We’ve got space at Bun’s but with Lulu there too, she might want to crash here. Or maybe my dad’s, so she’s closer to Bunny. I don’t know. She misses you guys like crazy too. Shit, she’d have everyone in one house if it were up to her.”
Wes moved closer to me and I could feel him watching me, studying me. His voice was quiet when he said, “You know as long as she’s with you she’s good, right? Yeah, she loves the rest of her family and being close to us would be ideal, but as long as you two are good with each other, don’t sweat it, man. It’ll work out.”
I hated it when Wes saw me like he did. Living so far from our family and closest friends, I wasn’t used to anyone seeing through me except for Pepper these days. I gave a tight nod before hitting the button to start the playlist. Music blared and I turned to the weight machines.
Wes left me and it wasn’t until two, maybe three hours later that I emerged. When I pulled my phone from the speakers, I felt the faint sound of music from above. Making my way up the stairs, I could see at least a dozen people on the pool deck now. Zoe must have decided to invite people over tonight instead of next weekend.
My head was a little clearer, chest a little looser, but I was dripping sweat. I’d jump in the pool if it wasn’t still covered for the winter. Instead, I jogged up to the guest room Wes said we could use. After showering in the guest bathroom, I rummaged around in Wes’s closet for some jeans and a clean shirt. With no clean boxers, I opted to free-ball rather than borrowing a pair from my brother. Not that I cared, but going commando once in a while felt good.
As I walked outside to the group gathering around a fire pit, the strangest ache hit me. How was it possible to miss my wife when I was with her only hours ago? Would that ever stop?
I saw all familiar faces turn to me when I opened the sliding glass door. They watched me, but not in the celebrity-worship way I’d gotten used to. Okay, sure, there was a little of that too, but these people knew me. Yeah, they had a little awe in their eyes from seeing me on TV or whatever, but I could be myself with them. Mostly. I didn’t have to put on my celebrity armor and that was a damn relief. It got tiring. I didn’t only want Pepper at my side in those moments to keep her away from the assholes, but because I needed her. She gave me the strength to keep up the façade through the public events; knowing she was there and would be my reward at the end of the night was enough.
Tonight, I wanted her here, but not in that desperate needy way. Because I missed her and I knew she’d want to see everyone, reconnect, revel in the view and gush over Wes and Zoe’s place.
Pep’s running crew threw hugs my way first. Omar, Rollie, Jenny, Lexi, Brax, and Sienna. A moment later it was my crew from Brockton Public, or the ones still in town at least – Andrea, Remy, Ben, Connor.
We spent a few minutes tossing compliments to each other for the girls, insults between one another for the dudes. Zoe handed me a beer as I spotted a few others flowing in from the side of the house. Just like high school and college, it was impossible to keep a gathering small in this town. My eyes searched the new group for Pepper. As I took a sip of beer, something Wes told me was from a local brewery he invested in, I remembered that Pepper met Lexi and Sienna to run. Brax Hilton and Ryan Harding trained with that same group, though she didn’t mention running with them. Still, I couldn’t help the dark feelings creeping in as I realized Pepper and Ryan were the only ones from the running group who weren’t there right now.
Chapter Five
Pepper
Running with Lexi and Sienna on my favorite trails is the best feeling ever. They’re rooming in a house with Brax, Ryan, and two other guys who run professionally.
“The place is almost as shitty as yellow house,” Lexi confesses, referring to the house the guys’ cross team lived in in college. “But it works.” They’re all just scraping by running pro, sometimes picking up hours at the running shop in town to make ends meet. It makes me a little uncomfortable that I don’t need to worry about money. Even without Jace in the picture, my sponsorship deals are pretty good. Then again, I probably only got those deals because I’m married to Jace and that makes me more interesting. I’m able to avoid thinking about those details when I run solo in Ohio. Technically, I’m on the Newbound Running Team, which trains in Arizona, but I’ve only joined them for a couple of training blocks. The women on Newbound are mostly better than me with more experience, and don’t need any side jobs to make ends meet. At least, no one talked about it when I ran with them.
I thought I would love training with a new group of elite women, but the Newbound dynamic kind of sucks. Monica Herrick, an Olympic marathoner, is the leader of the group, and the main reason most of us joined the team. She’s been running professionally for fifteen years and is the protégée of Ray Mintz, the coach of the Newbound team. Unfortunately, Monica is sort of standoffish if not outright mean. She treats the rest of us like competition instead of teammates, which for the most part is true. This isn’t college. We might share the same sponsors but we’re not really teammates. At the end of the day, it’s only individual performances that matter in the professional running world. Anyway, I haven’t really connected with anyone in the group, which is why I didn’t bother joining them for more training sessions in Arizona.
My coach Ray calls as I’m pulling into Gran’s driveway.
“Pepper, how was the double today?” he asks.
“Good. I felt strong. I did eight this morning on a bike path, pavement, and ten this afternoon on trails.”
“Trails? Like, dirt trails?”
“Yeah. Single track in the mountains. It was pretty hilly. I’ll do the tempo run on roads tomorrow.”
“I’d stay off the trails whenever possible, Pepper. We really need to get your body ready for the pounding on roads.”
I mumble agreement. He’s right. As I transition from trail and mountain running to longer distances on the roads, I’ve got to simulate those races in practice as much as possible. Still, I can’t be in Brockton and not sneak in a trail run once in a while.
We chat for a few more minutes about workouts and plans over the next couple of weeks. Ray is based in Arizona with the rest of the team, who train there the majority of the time. It’s tricky being coached remotely and requires me to really communicate and analyze my workouts so I can relay where I’m at to Ray. Now that I’m in Brockton with other runners training for a half marathon, I can theoretically do workouts with them. While their paces are close enough to my own, if a little slower, they have a different coach with a different training plan.
“Why so glum, chum?” Gran asks when I walk in the front door.
“I’m not glum. Do I look glum? That’s a weird word,” I add.
Gran turns from the counter where she’s chopping carrots and studies me closer, then pokes me a few times in various parts of my body. “Hmmm. You don’t have your usual post-run glow. Are you sure it’s normal for you to be getting so toned? I feel like you could use a doughnut. Or five.”
I chuckle. “It’s my job to be toned. And also to limit the doughnut consumption. But I just got off the phone with my coach in Arizona, and I’m thinking about my workout plan, so maybe I’ve just got a focused look on my face.”
“Maybe. What else is it?” she prods, even as she turns back to the carrots.
I forget what it’s like living with Gran. She doesn’t miss a thing. “It’s just annoying to have a different coach and team while I’m in Brockton. My running friends here are still coached by Ryan’s dad, and Ryan actually, he’s doing some of the coaching too.”
“Can’t you just stop being coached by the Arizona guy and join your old teammates?”
Sighing, I snag a carrot and pop it into my mouth before explaining that my sponsorships are tied to the Newbound team, which is connected to the
coach. “It’s not that I don’t like the coach. He’s good. Ray Mintz is considered the best marathon coach in the country. And the girls on Newbound are some of the best distance road runners in the country too. I really don’t have any reason to complain.”
“Our girl’s homesick, that’s what I think,” Lulu declares as she joins us in the kitchen. “We doing chicken noodle tonight?”
“Sure thing,” Gran says. “My recipe.”
“We’ve had to do a few blind taste tests on our fav dishes,” Lulu explains with an eyeroll. “Bunny here won on the chicken soup but my lasagna is still the top pick.”
“Who got to do the tasting?” I would not want to be in that role. I can only imagine Lulu and Gran watching, one hand on a hip with a threatening kitchen knife held in the other. I shudder.
“Wallace, Harold, and Jim,” Lulu says as she starts peeling an onion.
“So, Lulu,” Gran says, “how is it you think our girl is homesick if she’s home now?”
“’Cause she’s being pulled in a bunch of directions. She ain’t settled.”
It’s true, but there’s no solution. My contract keeps me with Newbound until June at the earliest. I can always join the Brockton team then and figure out the sponsorship situation, but it all depends on where Jace lands.
“If Jace doesn’t end up on the Stallions,” Gran muses, “why would you stay with the Arizona team? Why not just join the Brockton team if you’re going to be coached remotely anyway?”
“It’s complicated, Gran. It’s not that simple. I was really lucky to get on Newbound. They’re the best distance runners in the country, the best coach, the best sponsorships. I can only justify leaving them if we’re in Brockton to stay. It’d be nuts to ditch them only to be coached remotely by someone else.” And that someone else might be Ryan, which would be even weirder.
“Well, you know I’m all for being nuts,” Gran says with a wink tossed my way.