by Trinity Lemm
Axe rubbed the back of his neck. “I just… can’t stop thinking.”
“About?”
“You.”
I swallowed the lump of tension that was forming in my throat. Axe stepped closer to me, grabbing my hand. His eyes drilled into my soul.
“I want to be with you,” he stated.
I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know if I should feel relieved because he didn’t say anything bad, or if I should feel even more anxious because I didn’t have an answer for him.
I grazed my forehead with my free hand. “Axe… I just still don’t know.” His face fell, clearly unhappy with my response. “I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on in my head and after hearing Olivia last week, I just—”
“Olivia?”
I nodded. Shit. I totally forgot that I still hadn’t told him about my run-in with the redhead. “Her and two blondes confronted me at the library.”
“Saying what?”
“They asked me a couple questions about you and then warned me about you.”
His eyebrows raised. “Warned you about me?”
I gave another, nervous nod.
“Warning you how?” he asked, nervously shifting his weight back and forth.
“They said you only liked the chase and that once you slept with whoever it was you were going for, you would leave. And that that’s what you did to all of them,” I looked down, not wanting to meet his gaze.
“Tate,” he lifted my chin, “I’m not gonna do that to you.”
I turned away from his touch. “But you’ve done that to at least twenty other girls. How am I supposed to believe you?”
“I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m not going to do that to you,” he said again, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb.
“I just can’t figure out what game you’re trying to play,” I quietly muttered to myself.
“Game?” he dropped my hand, eyeing me in awe. He paused for a second, looking at me with a hurting behind his eyes. “Can’t you see it?” he asked, backing away and retreating back inside.
I was stunned. See what? Confusion draped over my face at the fact that defeat just draped over his. Part of me wanted to follow him and finish the conversation, but I didn’t. I brought my fingers up to where my necklace lay against my chest. I stayed outside for a little bit, blanket still wrapped around me, hovering in my own thoughts.
When I went back in, I said goodnight to everyone and made my way back upstairs. After getting ready for bed, I laid there, again, stuck inside my own worries. Axe was still downstairs and one by one, footsteps were coming upstairs, but none of them were Axel’s.
I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. Curiosity got the best of me as I made my way out of bed and over to the door. I cracked it open, making out the voices of Axe and Amberly.
“I don’t know what to do,” Axe said.
“Well, what exactly is the problem?”
“She… doesn’t trust me. And she has every reason not to, but… I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Well,” Amberly talked, “I mean, you don’t exactly have the best track record with girls.”
“No shit, Amb, but I’ve really been trying my best to prove to her that I could be better for her. I mean I know I’m probably the worst guy on the planet and that I don’t deserve her whatsoever, but I just want her so bad.”
I could hear Amberly sigh. “But Axel, do you want her because of who she is or because she’s not yours?”
“Amberly, I honestly think I’m falling in love with this girl. But half the time, I feel like she hates me.”
Axe’s response made my heart hurt. I didn’t hate him at all. Not even close. I didn’t want him to feel that way.
“You’ve just gotta keep proving to her that you could be who she needs,” Amberly said. “And eventually, she’ll come around. I see the way she looks at you, Axe. There’s something there. Don’t give up on it just yet.”
A couple minutes later, I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. I ran over and squirrel dived into the bed, pretending to be asleep. The door opened and closed, and I nonchalantly peeked my eyes open just enough to see Axel taking his shirt and jeans off. His chiseled abs could still be made out, even though it was dark.
I slammed my eyes shut again as Axe climbed into the bed. I didn’t dare make a single move as he wrapped an arm around me, nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck.
Once Axe’s breathing evened out and I knew was asleep, I laid in his arms, wide awake, unable to get the events of the night out of my head.
Axe had told Amberly that he was falling in love with me. As sweet as it was and as nice as it was to hear it, it freaked me out. I had been told so many times from Connor that he loved me. He swore up and down that he loved me and told other people the same thing as well. But at the end of the day, he still left. That last phone call with him replayed inside my head, the one where he told me he loved me for the last time. The pain I had felt in that exact moment took over my body, accompanied with the feeling that Axel would do the same thing.
I couldn’t sort my feelings out. I knew in my heart that I wanted to be with Axel, but between my already paranoid mind from my past and the extra anxiety that Olivia and the other girls added, I was stuck. It felt like I was in the same war that I had been in when Connor was around. A war between my heart and my head. A war between myself. The absolute, worst, most terrible civil war.
I could not fall asleep. Too many thoughts and moments kept repeating and before I knew it, a few hours had passed.
It was the weirdest thing. Feeling so safe, yet unsafe in someone’s arms. I didn’t know what would happen when I woke up. Would I have the answer that I needed? Or would I be even more confused?
I was fucking terrified. And the only thing that made sense was to leave before he could.
I had been ignoring Axe’s texts since we got back to campus. I knew he would most likely show up at my dorm eventually, but I hoped that with so many people being gone over break, he wouldn’t have anyone to sneak in behind. I needed to stay as far away from him as possible until I could figure myself out.
The room was sort of lonely without Penelope there. The constant silence started to kill me after a while, so I turned on a horror movie, hoping that it would help kill my boredom. I wanted more than anything to call Axe and go over to the apartment to hang out with him, but fear prevented me from doing so.
I had only been back in my dorm for five or so hours before I heard a knock. In my heart, I knew it was Axel.
I opened the door and there he stood, guitar in hand.
“Even with this place nearly deserted, you still found a way to sneak in?” I joked.
“Hell yeah,” he walked in, taking a seat on the futon. He took a deep breath. “Tate, I know I’m a piece of shit. And that I’m not good enough for you. But,” he paused, holding the guitar on his knee. Instead of continuing to talk, he began to play.
I sat next to him as he sang “Can’t Help Falling In Love,” by Elvis. His beautiful voice echoed throughout the room. I was quiet as he sang, making sure not to make a single noise that would disrupt him. Every so often, he would look up at me, sending butterflies to ripple throughout my entire bloodstream. No matter how much I had tried to ignore or avoid Axel, he always came back. I couldn’t escape him, and I especially couldn’t escape my feelings.
I knew that I wanted to be with him, but my fear had caused me to fight it this whole time. And in that moment, I realized that that was what Connor wanted. He wanted to still control my life, whether he was in it or not. The only way to escape the past was to create my own future. One where each decision I made would have nothing to do with Connor.
And as he came to the end of the song, I sat there, a faint smile on my lips. Praying to God that I wouldn’t regret what I was about to do.
The second he stopped, I threw my lips onto his and he went rigid for just a moment, caught off guard, but then melt
ed into me. He slowly set his guitar on the ground, still managing to keep our lips together. My necklace flopped around as he laid me on my back, positioning himself on top of me. He hummed against my mouth as I pushed my hips up against his. Even though he was wearing his black jeans, I could still feel the hardness through them. He pressed against me harder, making me wish he was closer, but knowing that now was not the time to go down that road.
I pulled away from his mouth. “I wanna be with you.”
He smiled from ear to ear. “Finally.”
I bit my lip and he leaned back in, kissing me passionately.
Our mouths separated once again. “Took you long enough, with your stubborn, cute ass.”
I laughed, covering my mouth with my small hand.
“Come back to the apartment with me. We can watch movies all night and make chocolate chip pancakes.”
“Fine,” I smiled, “only for the pancakes though.”
He rolled his eyes before looking back at me, taking in every inch of me. “So, you’re mine now?” he smirked.
“All yours,” I said. His smirk turned into a full smile. “And you’re mine now?”
“I’ve been yours this entire time,” he said. My heart swelled at his response, happiness overtaking me.
Part of me felt relieved that I had finally given in, as if the weight of my own denial had been lifted off my shoulders. Axel and I were official, but that didn’t mean that my guard was entirely down. I still had some doubts in the back of my mind. And until I could deal with my own self-trust and with completely giving my heart to Axel, those doubts would vaguely remain.
We drove over to the apartment. I think it was the first time I had been more excited to hang out with someone than I was to be eating chocolate chip pancakes.
I stirred the pancake batter in a large, glass bowl while Axe grabbed the chocolate chips out of the cabinet. I turned on the sink, rinsing off the batter that got on my hands. As I spun back around towards Axe, my mouth dropped open as a glob of batter was placed on my cheek.
“You didn’t,” I breathed heavily.
“But I did,” he smirked. I scooped a little bit of batter and planted it on his forehead. His smile grew. “You… didn’t,” he said, wiping the batter off before it reached his eyes.
“But I did,” I repeated him, leaning in.
Axe lifted a brow, reaching into the bowl and quickly flicking more batter on me.
“You suck!” I yelled, laughing as I grabbed a handful of batter and launched it towards him.
Axe tried dodging the glob, rushing towards me and wrapping his arms around me from behind. He picked me up and spun me around.
“Axe,” I laughed, “I’m getting dizzy!”
He placed me on my feet, hugging me tightly from behind, the both of us still covered in batter.
“I’m so glad you’re mine now,” he said, resting his chin on my shoulder.
Chapter Twelve
The Dragonfly
Within the next few weeks, finals were upon us. I was relieved to hear that my parents finally agreed to come to Kalamazoo for a few days over winter break, since I still didn’t want to go back home. One semester away from Wilmot just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t ready to go back.
Everything had been going good with Axel ever since we made things official. Everywhere we went together, girls stared, and I tried my best to ignore them, reminding myself that they were all part of Axel’s past, not his present. The flashbacks and nightmares had slowly started to go away. The fear was still there, and I was still in my head, but each day made it slightly easier. I was taking baby steps and I was proud of myself for it.
Since winter break would be so much longer than Thanksgiving break, the dorm halls would all be closed, which meant that my only place to go would be the apartment. I looked forward to spending so much time with Axel, and although he still hadn’t tried pushing his boundaries, I kept my eyes open. I almost felt bad for making him wait so long to sleep with me, but in my mind, it wasn’t a choice. I had to do this for myself. For my own sanity.
I had been studying almost non-stop, trying my best to review everything I had learned over the entire semester. Axel wanted to study with me, but I told him no, knowing that I would be too distracted to get anything done.
I decided to go to the library to study for a change of scenery from my room. The last time I had been there was when Olivia and the blondes confronted me. I screwed my face into disgust at the thought, choosing a completely different table from where I had sat at before.
I took a seat, reaching into my backpack for my textbook. When I placed it on the table, Lucas was standing across from me.
Fabulous.
“Hey Tate, how was your break?”
“Good. How was yours?” I asked, trying to be polite.
“Mine was good, thanks for asking.”
I smiled shyly, turning my attention back onto my book. Disappointment dawned over me when I realized that he was still standing there.
“So, um,” he started, “I was wondering if you were busy after you were done studying?”
Was he asking me out again? I had told him before break that we were just friends, despite the fact that I was only agreeing to be friends in order to keep the peace between Claire and Jason. I didn’t have the patience for this bullshit. Not to mention that I had a boyfriend now.
“Well I’m really tired already, so I’m planning on just relaxing and going to bed right when I get back to my room.”
“Are you sure? We could go get dinner or ice cream or something? We could invite Claire and Jason?”
“I’m also in a relationship now, so I don’t know if that’s really the best idea,” I said.
His demeanor changed, his face twisting from happy to pissed. “With who? Axel?”
I nodded, suddenly intimidated as his tone shifted.
He slowly nodded, his jaw working under his skin. “Gotcha,” he reluctantly said. “Well if you change your mind, let me know,” he winked as he walked away and turned around the corner, leaving me with an unsettled feeling.
If Axel knew that Lucas talked to me, or even breathed in my direction, it would’ve been the end for Lucas. It seemed like Lucas had always gotten lucky, running into me every time I wasn’t with Axel.
The sun set early in Michigan during the winter, so by the time I finished studying, it was already dark out. I collected all my things, throwing my grey winter jacket on. The cold air hit my face as I walked back to my dorm.
A sudden feeling came over me again. The same feeling I had when I was at the mall with Axel. The feeling of being watched. I glanced around me, looking for any sign of someone looking in my direction, but there was nobody. I could hear faint footsteps behind me. I held the pepper spray that was on my key chain, gripping it tightly as I whipped my body around, looking behind me. But nobody was there. I took a deep breath, shaking off my paranoia.
I’ve got to stop watching so many scary movies.
I was relieved when finals were over, marking the official start of winter break.
Axel and I sat next to each other in a booth at a nearby café. My legs bobbed up and down with nerves, waiting for the arrival of my parents.
Axe placed his hand on my knee. “Tate, babe, stop worrying so much. Everything’s gonna be fine,” his soothing voice spoke.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I know, I know. I’m just nervous.”
I hadn’t seen my parents since before I left for school and I had never taken any guy to meet them other than Connor. I didn’t know what they would think of Axe, with his intimidatingly wide frame and tattooed arms, but I hoped they would like him. I would be devastated if they didn’t.
Ten minutes later, my parents strolled in. Axe and I both stood. I hugged my mom and dad, watching as Axe gave my father a firm handshake. We slid back into the booth, across from my parents.
“How was your drive?” I asked.
“Not too bad. Took us a little under t
hree hours,” my mom answered.
Axel’s eyes darted back and forth between my mother and I.
“What?” I quietly asked.
“You guys look like twins,” he responded.
My mom and I both laughed. “Yeah, we get that a lot,” I nodded.
“So, Axel, what’s your major?” my father asked.
“Chemical engineering,” Axe answered confidently.
“Impressive. Tate’s following in her father’s footsteps in business.”
“Well, she’s also following in her mother’s footsteps in dance,” my mom said.
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, we get it. I take after you two.”
“Yes,” my father smiled, skimming the menu, “and you’re a better person for it,” he joked. I rolled my eyes again.
“She’s easily the smartest person I know,” Axe said, glittering eyes resting on mine, causing me to blush the tiniest bit.
“She’s always been super smart,” my mom smiled proudly. “Did you know she started reading when she was just three years old?”
“Yeah, she was a smart kid,” my dad added. “Except for that one time when she was little where she tried playing hide and seek with her pet hamster and lost it.”
My mom giggled. “Or the time when she drew all over herself in Sharpie?”
“Or when she tried giving herself a haircut?”
“Oh my God,” my mom laughed loudly, “I forgot about that one!”
“Okay, we get it,” I said. “I’ve had some embarrassing moments. No need to discuss more.”
“Sorry, honey,” my mom said, still lightly chuckling.
Axe was trying to contain his laughter. “You cut your own hair?” he asked.
I crossed my arms and sank back down into my seat. “I don’t like this type of attention.”
“I’m sure we have pictures somewhere,” my mom said.
“Don’t you dare,” I warned.
“Alright, alright,” she said. “We’ll stop embarrassing you.”
“Thank you,” I gritted through my teeth.
I was relieved when my parents started putting more attention on Axel, asking him questions about himself rather than talking about my most embarrassing moments. I sat back for the rest of lunch, listening to the conversation, only budding in on the important questions.