by Trinity Lemm
“We’re not lost,” I said as I continued to walk on.
Axe shook his head. “So stubborn.”
It took us a while, but once we finally got to the restaurant, Axe stopped before going inside. I curiously watched as he looked around, deep in thought.
“What is it?” I asked.
He pulled his mouth over to one side, still thinking. “How far did you say your hometown was from here again?”
“Like forty or so minutes. Why?”
“Let’s go there.”
I scrunched my nose. “Why?”
He shrugged. “I mean, you’ve seen where I grew up. I wanna see where you come from, too.”
I scratched my head with my free hand, my other still holding onto Axe’s. I thought about Wilmot for a minute, trying to imagine it. I hadn’t been there in nearly eight months, since before school even started. I had been avoiding going home all year, afraid of the flashbacks that going there would cause. My initial reaction would be to say no, but after everything that Axe and I had gone through, no flashback or flood of negative feelings of Wilmot could ever be worse than what he and I had already surpassed. I couldn’t avoid Wilmot forever. And if I had to go back, then I wanted him to be there with me.
“Okay,” I agreed, reluctantly, swallowing the lump of nerves in the back of my throat. “We’ll leave in the morning.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
The Peanut Butter Cookies
I knew how to get home from the city and Axe had already driven the two hours to Chicago, so I offered to drive.
As we got closer, my heart started racing, hands sweating against the steering wheel. I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t sure what old friends I would run into from high school. I wasn’t sure if the town was going to look the same. I wasn’t sure if I would have flashbacks or not.
Recognizing all the familiar buildings felt strange. They all looked the same, yet somehow different. I tried keeping my eyes solely on the road as we passed my old high school, but knowing it was right there even though I wasn’t looking at it, made me uneasy.
Don’t get me wrong, this town gave me some great memories throughout my life, but it also housed my deepest fears and worst moments.
“You okay?” Axe asked from the passenger seat, sensing my shakiness. The second he spoke, I was instantly more relaxed.
“Yeah,” I assured him.
I pulled into the driveway, giving out a long exhale as I turned off the car. I had called my parents the night prior, giving them a heads up that Axe and I would be coming. They happily agreed, excited to see us, but I could tell they were mostly excited to see Axe. They loved him.
My parents were already at the door, ready to greet us as we walked up. Charlie and Buddy were next to them at the door, barking and wagging their tails in excitement. I hadn’t missed Wilmot, but I definitely did miss my two fluffy golden retrievers.
They jumped all over us as we walked in, unable to calm themselves down. I smiled, bending down to pet them before I gave each of my parents a hug.
Axe gave my mom a kind hug, following it up with a firm handshake with my dad. Watching them interact was soothing. They got along so easily.
“How was the drive?” my mom asked, standing with her hands on her hips.
“Not bad,” I shrugged.
She gave another smile. “Awe, I’m so excited you both are here! It’s about time you came home.”
“I know,” I said, breaking eye contact.
“Go ahead and bring your stuff upstairs, honey. And the guest room is all ready for Axel to sleep in.”
I furrowed my eyebrows at her. “Mom, I’m nineteen.”
Axe stood next to me, trying to keep his laughter in. God, my mom was embarrassing.
She looked back and forth between Axel and I, then sighed. “Well, alright. I guess it’s okay.”
“You guess?” I said, grabbing my bags that were resting at my feet.
I dropped my bags onto the floor of my room and Axe did the same. My eyes silently scanned the entire room. It was exactly how I had left it. Not a single thing was out of place. The pictures of all my friends and I still hung on the grey walls, along with all my dance awards. My blue and grey comforter was perfectly laid upon my bed, my blue teddy bear resting against the organized pillows.
Axe picked up my bear, lifting a brow as he smirked. “Teddy bear?”
I stomped over and ripped the bear out of his hands. “His name is Berry.”
“Berry?” he chuckled.
“Yeah, because he’s blue like a blueberry, not because he’s a bear. I’m not that mainstream.”
He brought his hands up in front of him. “Okay, okay.”
I hugged my bear to my chest as if I was five again. I used to do it all the time actually. Every time Connor had made me cry, I had squeezed my bear.
I sat down on my bed, slightly overwhelmed by everything, but maintaining control over it.
“So,” Axe said, rubbing his hands together, “show me around.”
“You want me to show you around Wilmot?”
“Yeah.”
“You want me to show you around a tiny town that barely covers a tenth of a centimeter on a map?”
“Yes.”
I sighed, standing up. “Alright,” I agreed, motioning for him to follow me back downstairs. I was slightly reluctant about walking around town, a little nervous about how I would feel knowing that I had been uneasy during the car ride here, but I knew that if I was with Axe, I had nothing to worry about.
I walked into the kitchen to let my parents know that we were leaving. “I’m gonna go show Axe around,” I said.
“Okay. Just don’t be too long. Your sisters are coming over for dinner,” my mom said from her usual spot on the couch.
"All of them?"
"All of them,” she nodded.
I bit the inside of my lip, trying to hide my smile. I hadn’t seen Kendall and Macey since they came to Western to visit, and I hadn’t seen Brynn since school started. She was the only one who hadn’t met Axe yet, so I was excited for her to do so.
My town was small, so there wasn’t really much to show Axe. We walked along Main Street, stopping in some of the local shops to look around. One thing that Wilmot did have was an amazing burger joint with even more amazing milkshakes. I knew that my mom would be pissed if we ate since she was making dinner, so we stopped inside and just got shakes.
Axe and I sipped on our shakes all the way to the pier. Wilmot might have been small, but the massive lake in the center of our town made up for it. It had been a huge attraction for years, outdoing the other nearby lakes by plenty with its size and depth.
We hung our legs over the side of the dock, letting our feet rest in the water. The water was still cold, not yet warmed up after the long winter, but it wasn’t too terrible. It was pretty refreshing.
“It’s really nice out here,” Axe said, glancing around at the sun beginning to set over the lake.
“Yeah, it is,” I agreed, dropping my head onto his shoulder as my feet slowly splashed around in the water.
“You wanna jump in?” Axe asked.
“Absolutely not.”
“Why not? C’mon, it’s not even that deep here.”
“Yeah, that’s the issue.”
“How?”
“You wanna jump in so that our feet can touch the nasty seaweed at the bottom and then we can smell like lake for the rest of the night when we get out? Cause, I’ll pass.”
“We can shower when we get back,” he winked.
“Oh, yes, because I so want to be caught in the shower with you by any of my family members.”
Axe laughed, shaking his head. “You know, Tate,” he started, “before I met you, I never understood how anyone could be in a relationship and stick to that one person.”
“Oh, I know,” I mocked him, fully aware of how many girls he had been with before me.
He smiled as he shook his head. “There’s that stubb
ornness I know and love.”
“Well, I’m glad you’ve realized that it’s never going away.”
“I realized that a long time ago,” he chuckled. I playfully nudged him before he continued. “But anyways, after I met you, and after I started having feelings for you, the world just… looked different to me.”
I stared into his eyes, lost in them. “I know what you mean,” I said, planting a kiss onto his soft lips.
We stayed on the dock until the sun went down, then headed back home. I wasn’t sure if my sisters would be there or not before we got back, but I prepared myself for it anyways. Axe had only met my parents at a single time, and had only met two of my sisters at a single time, so I hoped that having both of my parents and all three of my sisters there wouldn’t be too overwhelming for him.
Everyone sat around the dining room table, digging into the chicken and brussel sprouts that my mom had prepared.
“How was your trip to the city?” my mom asked.
“It was really good,” I said.
“What’d you guys do?” she asked.
“We walked around a lot, went to the bean, Skydeck, all the touristy places,” I smiled.
“Of course, of course,” she nodded.
“It was my first time there actually, so it was really nice to be able to go with Tate,” Axe said.
“First time ever?” Brynn asked.
“First time ever,” he nodded.
“How’d you like it?” my mom asked.
“Loved it. I tried to convince Tate that we should live there one day, and she shot the idea down really quickly,” Axe chuckled.
“Well,” I shrugged, “too expensive, so many damn people, and the walking, oh God the walking,” I rolled my eyes.
“God forbid you get some exercise,” my mom said, throwing a bite of chicken in her mouth.
“I get plenty of exercise,” I said.
Macey leaned into me. “Sex doesn’t count,” she whispered. I lightly smacked her with the back of my hand, praying that neither of my parents heard her comment.
“She’s right about the city, though,” Brynn chimed in. “It’s a pain in the ass. The bars are a fun time though, I’ll admit.”
I turned to Axe. “Brynn lives in the city.”
“It’s fun… most of the time,” she said, taking a sip of her drink.
“So, Axel, when are you proposing?” Macey interrupted.
I dropped my silverware onto the table and covered my face with my hands. “Macey,” I warned.
“What? It’s a genuine question,” she said.
Axe couldn’t contain his embarrassed, yet insanely cute smile. “Probably right after graduation,” he responded.
My head shot up, looking around to see if I had heard him correctly. I was taken aback by the fact that he had an actual answer for her. Did he really think about marriage that often?
“Your graduation or her graduation?” Macey asked, demanding to know when she should be expecting a ring on my finger.
“Uh,” he looked over at me, thinking carefully about his answer, “whichever one she wants.”
“Good answer,” Kendall smiled.
Brynn nodded once to me from across the table. “He’s a keeper,” she said with a grin.
Heat rushed to my cheeks by the fact that this conversation was happening in front of my entire family. Macey seemed satisfied by his answer, her attention dropping back down to her plate. I shot her a look, waiting for her to look up and see it. She shrugged when she did, not giving a second thought to how embarrassed I had become. I glanced over at my mom, who had a smug smile on her face. My dad pretended like he hadn’t heard, continuing to eat without reaction.
The rest of dinner went smoothly, filled with laughter and conversation, which thankfully, didn’t involve any more embarrassing questions.
I took a quick shower, which felt quiet, due to the fact that Axe wasn’t in there with me. We showered together a lot of the time, but there was no way in hell that I was going to risk getting caught in the shower with him by one of my family members. The embarrassment of that would’ve been a million times worse than it was earlier.
Axe showered after me, leaving me to sit in bed for a bit, thinking about absolutely everything. My mind played through the entire story of Axe and I, taking into account all the ups and downs that we had been through. And now, when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who was loved instead of someone who was left.
I felt sort of at ease having Axe here in Wilmot with me. It was almost as if he was repainting all my memories of Wilmot, taking them from tainted to beautiful. At first, I had been nervous about bringing him here. Wilmot was so small that I had been to basically every single place with Connor at some point, and if I hadn’t, then I had seen Nicole there, or both of them. But now, Axe was fixing my view of those places. And instead of them being places I had gone to with Connor, they were places I had gone to with Axe.
I used to not be able to see the end of my symptoms, stuck in thoughts that the pain would never end. But Axe had given me the stepping stones to get out of the hole I had been in. No more crying. No more fears.
Rewriting my worst memories into beautiful ones with Axe felt good. And suddenly, I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning to show him around some more.
My mom made us breakfast in the morning when we woke up, and quite honestly, her pancakes were not as good as Axel’s. I ate them anyways, slightly disappointed.
We each gave my mom a hug before we left, and then we set off around Wilmot. I took Axe to all my favorite places growing up, and we even stopped at my high school to visit some of my old teachers and my old dance coach.
The day went well, filled with positive vibes and no flashbacks. I was even surprising myself, pride radiating off of me from the fact that I was winning. I was beating the C-PTSD that had been drilled inside of me. I was controlling it instead of letting it control me. And if I could face Wilmot, the place that would give me the worst flashbacks imaginable, I could face anything.
We sat in my room after a long day, looking through my old scrapbooks. Axe was amused by all my old, middle school pictures, laughing at how awkward I looked with braces. I playfully hit him each time he did, but honestly, I couldn’t blame him for laughing. Those pictures were awful.
The sun was about to set, and we had just eaten dinner, but suddenly, I got a strong craving.
“I want peanut butter cookies,” I exclaimed, jutting my bottom lip out.
“Are there any downstairs?”
“Nah, probably not.”
“We could make some,” he shrugged.
I smiled, immediately thrilled by his idea. “Yes, please.”
I grabbed his hand and led him downstairs. My parents were sitting on the couch, watching tv when we came down.
“Do we have stuff to make peanut butter cookies?” I asked, praying that they would say yes.
My mom brought her hand under her chin, thinking. “No, I don’t think so,” she replied. My face fell, true disappointment overpowering me. “But you guys can go run to the store and get some,” she offered. I peered over at Axe, checking to see if he was up for the cookie ingredient run.
“I’ll do whatever,” he said, soft eyes glimmering into mine.
“Okay, I just need to change.”
We ran back upstairs really quick so that I could replace my sweatpants with jeans and my old dance t-shirt with an off the shoulder, maroon top. I usually didn’t put too much thought into what I wore when I ran out somewhere, but since we were in Wilmot, it would’ve been very embarrassing if I ran into people from high school wearing my sweats.
The second we got to the grocery store, I opened up my phone, checking the list of ingredients that we needed.
“Okay, let’s divide and conquer,” I said, checking the list.
“Got it. What should I grab?”
“Hmm, I know we have some of this stuff at home like flour and sugar, so you go get butter and pea
nut butter. I’ll go get baking powder and baking soda.”
He nodded and we separated to grab each item that I had assigned. I made my way down the baking aisle, keeping my eye out for the ingredients that I needed. I scanned each section, my face lighting up when I found both items that I had been looking for.
I turned on my heels, ready to go find Axe. A familiar pair of eyes caught my attention, and sure enough, they were staring right back at me.
Every muscle in my body froze. My heart was beating at an abnormally rapid pace and my throat felt like it was closing. It was as if the room was spinning as I stood there, unsure if what I was seeing was real. The past four years flooded back to me, every ounce of pain, heartbreak, and defeat rushing through me at once. My breathing was becoming irregular, lungs overwhelmed. Adrenaline took over, sensing the danger, but even so, I stayed still.
Anxiety. Fear. Panic.
I needed to run, but my body would. Not. Move.
Where the fuck was Axel?
Chapter Thirty
The Moment
Connor stood tall, his buzzed hair a different look than the last time I had seen him. His malicious smile rested on me, eyes doing the same.
My body started shaking, worse than it ever had before. I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes as I stood, facing my perpetrator for the first time in two years. My mind was on a loop as it crashed, like a computer whose system was overloading.
Within another minute, Axe was by my side. He had both butter and peanut butter in one hand, the other was reaching for me. I could hear the sound of Axe’s voice, but I was so in shock that I couldn’t make out what he was saying.
He dropped the items and crouched down in front of me, his hands gently shaking me back and forth to snap me out of it.
“Tate. Tate. Tatum. Tatum,” he kept repeating, over and over, lightly shaking me.
I squeezed my eyes shut at the feeling, recognizing that this was the present and not the past. Axe brought a hand up to my face, cupping my cheek. I looked down at him, taking into account the worry in his eyes.
“Baby,” he whispered, “are you okay?”