‘I’m just trying to understand.’
‘Don’t you want to live in a safer society?’
‘You know that I do.’
‘Then you have to see that you can’t have one without the other. For our vision to work, we need everyone to abide by our rules. It’s really that simple.’
My body leans against the wall disconnected to the pain of truth in my brain. The general’s mouth is moving and I’m forced to listen.
‘I have a duty to create a place where Zoe would have felt safe to live.’
‘So you kill in your daughter’s name?’ I whisper.
The general stares so hard that I feel his sight singe into me. He sees my flesh, my blood, my bones.
‘Go,’ he says. He picks up his mug, places his lips carefully against its rim and drinks.
‘But I want to stay and talk.’
‘Right this moment what you want is irrelevant to me.’ His voice is stiffened with bolts too tight to undo. I’ve got no choice but to do as he says. I get the cloth, thick with grime, and I don’t push back the filing cabinet before I pick up the bucket and leave him.
I feel like screaming when I’m back in the corridor and when I get to the cupboard I want to swing his manky bucket against the wall and rip out his stupid Trad shelves. But I know it’s really me I’m angry at now. I needed to get the general onside. I need him to believe in me and to trust me. Instead it feels like I’ve passed him a gun loaded so full with bullets that soon it’ll explode.
Luke and I are hidden behind the furthest bunk from the door, because here at least we can hold hands. I need to be near to him more than ever right now and if a guard comes in one of us can crawl away under the beds. But we’re next to the toilet and it stinks.
‘The general asked you to clean again?’ Luke asks and I nod. The mood in here is so different now. No one was given breakfast and a cloud of hunger presses on everyone so heavily that most people are doing little more than lying down where they can find room. ‘Are you sure he doesn’t want anything else from you?’
‘It’s not like that,’ I tell him.
‘How can you be sure?’
I’ve never had a secret from Luke and I’m not going to start now.
‘He chose me because I remind him of his daughter,’ I whisper. ‘She died when she was fourteen.’
In a normal place the face Luke pulls would make me laugh.
‘That’s just creepy,’ he says.
‘Yeah. It is a bit weird. And he’s weird. He’s really cold, like he doesn’t have any emotions.’
‘Even about her?’
‘She seems the only thing that makes him feel anything. When he talks about her he definitely changes a bit.’
‘Is it safe you being there?’
‘We’re not safe anywhere in here.’
‘But will he hurt you?’
‘I don’t think so. But I could hurt him.’
‘Don’t be stupid, Rubes.’
‘Not physically,’ I say. ‘But I’m trying to get him to trust me, so he might open up to me about things. I want to know where the twins have gone, if Darren could be right about the experiments.’ I don’t admit how I messed up today and how the general might not even want me back in his office again.
‘I don’t think you should. You just need to clean what he asks and then get out of there as quickly as you can.’
‘I have to do something,’ I tell him. ‘They’re trying to break us and if they manage to then they’ll be able to do anything they want with us.’ Luke puts his palm on my cheek and traces along my skin with his thumb. ‘You know, I look out of the general’s window and I can’t believe how close we are to freedom. That just the other side of that fence we could walk away.’
‘I imagine myself doing that at roll call,’ Luke says. ‘I see myself climbing to the top of that mountain by the loch and calling to anyone who’ll hear me.’
‘There’s a blackthorn bush that Conor and I found. We’re going to hide behind it and dig our way out.’
‘Good luck with that one,’ Luke laughs.
‘Ah,’ Stan says, walking round the side of the bed on his way to the toilet. ‘At least a bit of love is still going strong.’
‘It’d take more than a few lousy Trads to break us up,’ Luke says, looking up at him.
‘That’s the spirit,’ Stan says. He’s hopping from foot to foot as he waits for Zamal to come out of the toilet and I can see clearly what he must have been like as a child. ‘What I wouldn’t give for my own bathroom. And my own bedroom back would be nice. It’s the noise in here that gets to me.’
‘Do you live on your own?’ I ask.
‘Yes. In total unwedded bliss.’
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’
‘I should be so lucky,’ he laughs pitifully. ‘I was hoping that at least there’d be someone in this room I might find attractive, but if anyone is gay they’re not brave enough to admit it.’
‘My friend is,’ I tell him. ‘But as fifteen-year-old girls aren’t your thing, that’s no good.’
‘No good at all,’ Stan laughs, as the toilet door opens and Zamal walks out. Stan ruffles his hair as they pass each other and Zamal comes to curl up on Luke’s lap, as though he’s always been there.
‘I’m hungry,’ he says.
‘They’ll feed us soon,’ Luke says. But he looks over Zamal’s head at me and I know he’s not convinced.
‘My tummy hurts,’ Zamal says. I’ve never seen tired bags under a child’s eyes, but they swell puffy there beneath his skin.
‘We’ll have food soon,’ Luke tells him as he strokes his hair.
Zamal nods and it’s a deeper pain I feel as I look at his face, at the innocence embedded out of reach of the Trads. How long will it be before the guards notice it, grip down with their trigger fingers and twist it free?
I never knew that hunger could eat into your bones. I can feel its teeth there as it chews and spits, leaving thick jelly that can barely hold me up.
‘Don’t let them wear you down,’ Darren says as we walk in pairs from the bunk room towards the stairs again. I don’t know whether he’s talking to Mum or us, but there’s something sturdy in his voice and it reminds me of the safety of home.
‘We won’t,’ I say as I look back at him and there’s definitely pride in his smile for me.
I hold Lilli’s hand all the way across the exercise yard to where we have to stand and chant. She steadies me as much as I steady her. It’s early afternoon now and the sun has tipped past its halfway point in the sky. They surely have to take us to eat after this.
More people come from inside the doors of the bunk house. So many of them. Some of the children are crying. The sound of it catching on the soft breeze and pushing against our faces.
I see someone I recognise. I hope it’s not him. I don’t want anyone I know to end up here. But as he gets closer, I know it’s definitely Mr Hart from school. I remember him talking about his kids and he’s carrying one of them in his arms. He keeps looking back to the woman and child behind him. She must be his wife. She’s tiny and pretty and nothing like I expected. They walk towards the back of the line and I watch them until I can no longer see them.
‘Is that an eagle?’ Destiny whispers next to me as she looks up.
‘Shh,’ her mum tells her.
I can see it. It’s almost impossibly beautiful against the blue of the sky, its wings stretched out as it glides free. It’ll be looking for food and I want it to find some for me too. Anything. I’d eat a live mouse right now if it was dropped at my feet.
Our great country. Unity for all.
The eagle takes our words as it heads towards the mountain. In its own time, in its own space. It doesn’t know how we need it to peck a hole through the wire fence for us all. And to peck the eyes of the Trad guards so they can’t see us as we escape.
Our numbers are checked off before we’re herded into the dining room. And now all I know is the soup in fro
nt of me. All I feel is the thick liquid as it slips down my throat. My teeth try to find something to chew, but there’s nothing. Only the sludge that grazes my tongue, before I swallow again and again, until every scrap of food has gone.
We stand to make room for the next people and it’s only when we’re outside again that I realise they’re separating off the children.
I grab Lilli’s arm. ‘Don’t go with them.’ And I try to stop her moving forward, but a guard is stepping towards us. ‘You can stay with me.’
‘It’s fine,’ she says. And she doesn’t look frightened. If anything she looks calm. ‘They give us biscuits. It’s nicer in there than anywhere else.’
‘But that’s the point.’ I’ve so much more I need to tell her, but the guard is shouting for me to move away.
‘I’ll see you later,’ Lilli tells me. I know she’s trying to be brave, but to me she looks like a tiny bird and I’m letting her fly right into the arms of the Traditionals.
I want to scream as I watch her join the huddle of children. I want to yell at her not to believe their lies. But all I can do is breathe in the last bit of air before I’m forced back through the door. I fill my mind and stomach with that sky, as my legs walk me back up the stairs.
Lilli doesn’t come back until we’re all in bed. Mum tries to hug her, but the guard shouts that the lights are going off. Lilli only has time to get on to the mattress next to me. She doesn’t go head to toe, instead curling into me like we used to when we were much younger.
‘What did you do there?’ I whisper, as the room clicks into darkness.
‘They gave us chocolate cake. And crisps.’ Her voice is so quiet that I doubt Mum and Darren can hear it. ‘I wanted to sneak some out for you, but I didn’t know how.’
‘Did they tell you stuff ?’
‘You know the gunshots the other night? That was actually the Cores firing,’ Lilli says. ‘They killed two guards and they escaped. But they’ve been arrested and will have to go to prison.’
‘That can’t be right.’ Anger at her ignorance is threatening to make me shout. ‘How could the Cores have got guns? We were all searched.’
‘I think it might be true, Ruby. Some of the Core supporters are more dangerous than you think.’ She takes a deep breath and I’m about to interrupt her but she’s talking again. ‘You know that protest we went to in the park? The Trads had to get us out of there quickly because the man who was speaking on that stage had a bomb. The Trads had intelligence on it and they knew that if they didn’t act then lots of others would die.’
‘Why would the Cores want to kill their own people? Think about it, Lilli.’ I keep my hands underneath me because I want so much to literally shake sense into her.
‘That’s what I asked them,’ Lilli says, sounding so proud and sure of herself. ‘But they wanted to make an impact and then blame it on the Trads.’
The crushing and the screams claw at me from the past. They fill me with such terror that there’s little space in my mind for anything else.
‘You’re being stupid if you believe them.’
‘I’m not. They don’t want to hurt us. They want to make things better.’
‘How is this making things better?’ I know I’m not quiet any more, but I can’t help it. ‘They’re guarding us with guns and starving us. How is any of that okay?’
‘If we want a better place to live this is what has to happen,’ Lilli says.
‘Girls,’ Mum says and I hear her shift on the floor beside us. ‘You’ve got to be quiet.’
‘Quiet?’ I shout. ‘Are you hearing anything she’s saying?’
‘I think the whole bunk room can hear you,’ someone shouts in the black room.
‘You should all hear,’ I shout. ‘They’re filling my sister with lies and we’re letting them.’
‘Ruby!’ Mum’s voice is a whip of anger.
‘It’s not lies.’ Lilli is crying.
‘Girls.’ It’s Darren I hear now. He moves out from under the bed and his voice is close. ‘This is what they want to happen. They want to cause a rift between you and you can’t let them. You’re both free to believe what you want, but you’re not free to fall out with each other.’
‘But what she believes is wrong,’ I say, although I’m calmer now.
‘It’s Lilli’s choice,’ Darren says. ‘And we have to respect that. Just as much as she has to respect you. But don’t ever let them divide you.’
‘Okay,’ Lilli says. ‘I won’t.’ She sounds so innocent it nearly breaks me.
‘Besides,’ Mum says quietly. ‘It’s an important day tomorrow.’
‘Why?’ I ask.
‘It’s my birthday,’ Lilli reminds me, her voice quiet. Somehow I’ve let the horror around us take the important things.
‘I forgot,’ I say, feeling guilt creep in. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ Darren says. ‘Everything is upside down in here.’
‘I don’t really want to celebrate it,’ Lilli says. ‘I don’t want people to know.’
‘We’ll keep it among ourselves then and have your party when we get home,’ Mum says. ‘We need to sleep now, though.’ I feel her hand reaching out for me and she kisses my head. ‘Goodnight, my beautiful girls.’
I curl in next to Lilli again. My little sister, who’ll be thirteen tomorrow. I reach for her hand and keep it tight in mine.
‘Night, Lily Allen,’ I say.
‘Night, Ruby Tuesday,’ she replies.
We haven’t done that for years.
‘I love you, Lilli,’ I tell her.
‘I love you too.’ Already I know she’s drifting to sleep and I have to let her. I want her to be in a safer place in her dreams.
CHAPTER TEN
‘Our country will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of past governments.’ – John Andrews, leader of the Traditional Party
When the door thumps open I think it must be the middle of the night.
‘Up,’ the woman guard shouts. The light smashing on hurts my eyes and I keep them closed. My clothes feel hard and uncomfortable and my head hurts, until I remember the day. I lean over and start to tickle Lilli.
‘Happy birthday to you,’ I sing so quietly that not even the people in the bunk next to us will be able to hear.
She laughs and wriggles away from me, but not before I realise how thin she already feels, her bones too clear through her skin. Mum and Darren scoop her together in a hug and Mum puts something in her hand.
‘It’s only little,’ Mum says. ‘Your main present is at home.’ Her smile can’t hide the ache of injustice in her eyes.
Lilli looks down at the tiny material heart in her palm, her name embroidered into it. Mum must have made it secretly in the sewing room.
‘Thank you,’ Lilli says, but she doesn’t look up and I think she might cry.
‘Come on,’ Darren says. ‘We’ve got to go now.’ My hand feels safe in his as we let him help us stand.
Outside it’s even colder than yesterday. I don’t look around as we shuffle forwards and it takes all my energy just to move my feet. I wake slowly in this line, into this nightmare.
‘We’re okay, Ruby,’ Darren whispers beside me. ‘We’ll be all right.’ His hand still holding mine gives me strength to keep walking forwards, until eventually we get to the end of the line and I look up into the empty eyes of a guard and tell him my number.
In the dining room the benches are filled with people. There’s no space, so we’re lined up against the back wall. We have to watch as they eat. They have bread, two pieces and a glass of water. My world grows smaller and smaller, ending only in this. Every mouthful they have hurts my gums, my tongue and spills more cramping flames into my stomach.
‘Finish,’ a guard shouts. They have to eat quickly. They lick their fingers, their plates. ‘Move.’ And they’re gone and we swarm forwards into their place. I want to check that Lilli has somewhere, but I don’t manage to. I see only the bench, feel o
nly a need to be there. The people either side are squashed tight to me, but I don’t care because the food is coming.
I press my finger to two crumbs on the table and put them in my mouth. They’re like grains of sand as I swallow them. Two pieces of bread are put on my plate and I grab them before anyone can take them away. Slow down, I know my mum will say and I try to chew enough, but my stomach is screaming, reaching up for the food.
And this is Lilli’s birthday breakfast. Surely the thought of that will be enough for her to turn against the Trads?
‘Finish!’ It’s too soon. I want to sit here. I need to rest. I drink my water and it stings my gums alive. I’m coming back to life. Maybe I’d been dying and I hadn’t known. ‘Move.’ And so we do and I’ve barely stepped from my bench when the row behind us clambers in.
So many of us. So many of us caught before we could know.
Outside I’m hoping we’ll be told to go back to the bunk house, but instead we’re immediately divided into two sections. The men are on one side, the women and children on the other, just like they did before. Each group swells as more people finish their breakfast.
I search for Luke, but I can’t see him. And I can’t see Mum or Lilli anywhere. But Destiny has found her way beside me.
‘They’re separating us again.’
‘It’ll be okay,’ she says.
‘What about Luke?’
Destiny links her arm through mine. ‘It’ll just be for a bit,’ she says, sounding so sure.
We’re standing in line when a woman near us starts shouting. She’s clinging tight to a man as a guard rushes over to them.
‘Women this way. Men that way,’ he says.
‘No,’ the woman says.
‘It’s orders. You have to.’
‘He’s my husband.’
‘Come on,’ the man with her says. ‘Let’s do what he says.’
‘Why?’ the woman shouts.
The guard looks panicked as he tries to pull them apart.
‘Get off me,’ the woman screams and it lights a fuse of unrest among us all, spreading sparks of unease.
Another guard runs over. It’s the one with the whip and he grabs the woman away as her husband tries to calm her, but she’s scratching and screaming.
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