I am Not A Number

by Lisa Heathfield

‘Yes,’ I say, but already I know my words are useless. The general might as well be shredding them in his hands and scattering them for me to sweep up and throw away.

  ‘But then I’d be willingly prolonging the life of someone whose beliefs go against the good of society,’ he says.

  ‘She’s a mother.’

  ‘Even worse. She’s raising a child with her dangerous views.’ She couldn’t have raised Conor better, I want to scream at him. He’s funny and kind and it’s you who is destroying him.

  ‘You could help her.’

  The general stares at me. ‘But would that be for the good of the nation? You must see that the fewer Core voters we have, then the quicker there’ll a pure society.’

  ‘If that’s the case,’ I say. ‘Then surely you actually want to kill us all?’

  The general’s eyes look even deeper into me. He has a twitch on his lips and I watch it tick.

  ‘No one wants that,’ he says, his face expressionless. ‘But we will do what it takes.’

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  ‘For too long, the wheels of our nation have been left to rust. But now we have got them turning again and our national pride is free to run.’ – John Andrews, leader of the Traditional Party

  I sit with Luke and Destiny, huddled on the floor of the bunk room, trying to distract ourselves from the hunger which won’t leave us alone. The soup we had for supper was so watery that it barely feels like I’ve eaten.

  ‘The general pretty much admitted that they’re doing some sort of experiments on the Jesenskas.’ Just saying the word makes me feel sick. ‘And I doubt it’ll stop with them.’

  ‘Do you think that was always the plan?’ It’s the first time I’ve seen true distress in Destiny’s eyes. ‘For us being here?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say. Luke is holding my hand, but not even the feel of his skin against mine can make any of this all right. ‘But I took this.’ I’ve got my back to the room, so no one else can see as I take the piece of paper from my hoodie.

  ‘What is it?’ Luke asks.

  ‘I got it from the general’s bin.’ I try to smile, but Luke looks furious.

  ‘You can’t just take stuff out of his room, Ruby. It’s way too dangerous.’

  ‘I have to do something.’

  ‘What’s on it?’ Destiny leans forwards as I flatten out the paper. It’s almost empty apart from two pencil lines and numbers either side. Disappointment hits me hard. ‘What do you think it means?’

  ‘Nothing.’ I screw the paper into a tiny ball. ‘It was a complete waste of time.’

  We sit and stare at each other as I realise that I put myself in danger for something so useless.

  ‘It’s not nothing,’ Destiny says. ‘We could use it to tell stuff to the outside world.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘With my make up pencil. We can write things on it and try to get our messages out of the camp, tell people exactly what’s going on. Leave our own paper trail,’ she smiles.

  The bunk room door suddenly slams open and fear freezes Luke and Destiny as I hurry to hide the paper in my pocket. Two guards come in and there are two more in the corridor behind them.

  ‘Women and children,’ the guard at the front says. ‘You’re to follow us.’

  A man with glasses stands up. He’s always been quiet, sitting in a tight unit with his wife and daughter.

  ‘Why?’ he asks. ‘What do you want with them?’

  ‘They’re being relocated to a different building,’ the guard says.

  ‘Relocated?’

  ‘It’s overcrowded in here. And it’s unsanitary for the mind and body to have men and women in such close quarters.’

  Anger flashes quick and brutal on the man’s face. ‘We’re married, for God’s sake. This is my wife.’

  ‘And these are my orders,’ the guard says.

  ‘Which you’ll obey, even if they’re wrong?’

  ‘I obey them because I believe in them.’

  The man’s wife stands up. ‘We’ll go,’ she says quietly.

  ‘I don’t want to,’ their daughter says. My stomach folds as she reaches for her dad’s arm and starts to cry.

  Destiny scrambles to her feet. ‘Let’s do this quickly,’ she says. ‘They’re not going to change their minds.’

  ‘I’m not leaving you,’ I tell Luke. ‘They can’t make me.’

  ‘It’ll just be for sleeping,’ Destiny says. ‘You’ll see each other in the day and at meals.’

  Does she really believe that as she walks through the chaos in the room towards her mum? Luke looks at me, despair too frightening in his eyes as he stands, still holding my hand.

  But I don’t move. ‘They want to separate us. They don’t care.’

  ‘We’re going to have to do what they say,’ Luke says and he helps me up until we’re facing each other. ‘They don’t seem human any more.’

  I feel a hand on my back and my mum is standing beside us. ‘I’ve said goodbye to Darren,’ she says, her face raw with shock. ‘We’ve got to go.’

  ‘I’ll see you at breakfast, Ruby,’ Luke says and his lie makes a raft for both of us to keep afloat. I nod and he leans forward and hugs me so tight, but then he’s gone, his dad pulling him away.

  Mum and I walk among the people. Destiny is with her mum, Aba, in the crowd by the door, her eyes defiant. I think Lilli must be here, but then I spot her by our bed, her face buried in Darren’s chest. He’s crying too, his chin resting on the top of her head, his eyes tight shut against the pain.

  ‘I’ll get her,’ I say quietly to Mum. I go over to them. They’re a sculpture of grief. ‘Come on, Lils.’ They both open their eyes and look at me. ‘We’re not going far.’

  ‘Why are they doing it?’ She’s rocked by confusion. Everything she’s been taught in those lessons must be spinning apart.

  ‘You have to go,’ Darren tells her.

  ‘But I don’t want to.’

  ‘I need you to look after your mum for me until I see you again. Okay?’

  Lilli barely nods.

  ‘Promise?’ Darren says.

  ‘I promise,’ she whispers.

  ‘That’s my girl.’ And he lets her go so she can come to me. He puts his hand on my shoulder and when he looks at me I don’t know how we can be without him. He’s the rope that keeps us held together.

  ‘I believe in you,’ he says to me. ‘We’ll find a way.’ I nod at him, because it’s all I can do as my chest feels crushed with it all. He doesn’t wipe away his tears as he kisses my forehead. ‘I love you, Ruby.’ And I know he does. And I want to tell him that I love him too. I want to say those three small words, which are big enough to fill the sky, but my tears block my throat.

  All I can do is drag Lilli with me to where our mum waits.

  We’re led out into the darkness. The guards take us through a gate in the fence, until all that’s on our side is the furthest building in the camp. We go through a small door and it’s black and cold in here as they lead us up some steps. The Trads have torches, which they hold in front and travel over us. Could we run now? Surely it’s dark enough for them not to find us all? But when we get to the perimeter fence, then what? If we climb it they’ll shoot us in the back. And if we escape, will they start shooting the men? One for every woman who’s free.

  Mum is in front as we go up the stairs, Rimi in her arms and Zamal holding her hand. At the top, the queue slows down and as we stop next to each door the guards push in a certain number of people. I hold tight to Lilli as we’re moved further along, counted like animals and forced through another open door. A guard turns on a light before shutting us in.

  There are no beds. The window is blocked shut as we’re used to. There’s a pile of blankets against the wall and immediately people go over and start grabbing them. There must be about forty of us in here, but I can’t see how there’ll even be enough space on the floor for us all to lie down.

  ‘This is exciting, isn’t it?’ Mum says to Rimi
and Zamal. ‘A new room to explore.’ Rimi nods. She has sores under her nose from where she rubs her rabbit’s ear.

  ‘Is it because of our bad blood?’ Zamal asks, looking up at Mum with eyes wide enough to break me.

  ‘No one’s got bad blood,’ Mum says.

  ‘We all have and it’s making us sick,’ Zamal says. ‘But they’ll make us better.’

  Mum kneels down next to him, balancing Rimi safe on her knee.

  ‘Your blood is perfect. You are perfect,’ she says.

  ‘I’ll get us some blankets,’ I say. I’m wading through shock, but I won’t let it suck me down.

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ Destiny says.

  ‘What if they’re separating us so they can experiment on us? Or them?’ I whisper, as we walk across the room.

  ‘Don’t let that thought in, Ruby.’

  ‘They could do anything.’

  Destiny links her arm through mine, but I can feel her shaking. ‘We won’t let them,’ she says.

  We manage to pull three blankets from the pile and I turn to see Conor’s mum standing near us, her back close to the wall.

  ‘Carol,’ I say and she looks up, but I’ve never seen her eyes so empty. ‘Come with us.’ And she follows to where Mum and Aba have found a space in the corner with Zamal and Rimi.

  We sit down as best we can and Mum puts Rimi on her lap. Destiny lies down with Zamal curled almost on top of her and Carol sits next to me, with Lilli squashed close on my other side.

  ‘They’re definitely just separating us for sleeping,’ Destiny says, her words sure of themselves, steady on flat ground. ‘This is an old office block or something. There won’t be a dining room, or showers, or anything.’

  ‘You’re right,’ Mum says.

  ‘They better let us wash still,’ I say.

  Destiny pulls a blanket over her and Zamal. I hadn’t realised he sucks his thumb and it makes him look even younger. He closes his eyes as Destiny strokes his hair. He must be missing his mum so much. I wonder how deep she’s nestled in his mind and whether she’s there in the background of every thought of his. I reach over and touch his nose. He opens his eyes sleepily and his smile makes me warmer than a million blankets ever could.

  ‘You’re very brave,’ I tell him quietly.

  He nods and closes his eyes again and I think that perhaps inside himself he’s crying.

  Destiny starts to sing. It sounds like a lullaby, but it’s one I’ve never heard before, in a language I don’t know. Her mum came from Ghana when she was young and maybe this is a song from her childhood. I imagine the notes travelling from Destiny to her mother, who runs with them to her own mother. They’re like a ribbon, caught on the wind, travelling through time and sunshine until they find their roots.

  If Destiny’s grandmother could see now where her lullaby has come to rest, what would she think? How could she make sense of it?

  I’m ripped from sleep when a guard comes in and slams on the light.

  ‘Get up,’ she says.

  My bones feel like they’ve been shaved in the night. They’re raw and painful from where I slept on the cold floor.

  ‘It’s breakfast time,’ Mum tells Rimi and Zamal.

  ‘Did you sleep at all?’ I ask Destiny.

  ‘A bit,’ she replies, as she rubs her hands over her face and blinks on her mask of survival.

  Conor’s mum is still lying under her blanket. The shape of her body is sharp through the material. She’s barely moving, but the blanket is rising and falling enough for me to know that she’s breathing. I step over the two people between us.

  ‘Carol,’ I say. ‘We have to get up.’ She’s awake, but she doesn’t even look at me.

  ‘They’ve taken Conor from me,’ she says.

  ‘He might be there at breakfast.’

  Now she turns to see me. ‘Do you really think that?’

  ‘I have to,’ I tell her.

  She struggles to sit so I help her as Destiny folds her blanket. What would Conor feel if he could see how frail his mum is now? His anger would burn a hole in the sky.

  We’re told to walk down the stairs. At the bottom are a line of buckets filled with water. I wait in turn to be passed the mug and I drink, before we’re herded into a long thin corridor. There are too many of us, so the line has to double back on itself. Somewhere a woman coughs violently. At the end is a table piled high with a stack of bread.

  ‘We’re not going to eat in the dining room then?’ Mum says.

  ‘No.’ Which means there’s no chance of seeing Luke at breakfast. No chance of knowing where he is, or how he is. I look at Conor’s mum where she leans against the wall and I wonder if she’s seen the food yet and realised it too.

  ‘Won’t we see Darren?’ Lilli asks Mum.

  ‘I’m sure we will later,’ Mum replies, her face determined as we follow the line forwards. But she can’t hide the empty space beside her where Darren should be.

  ‘Why’s no one from the outside coming to help us?’ I ask her.

  ‘I think the Trads are probably being very clever about what they’re saying.’

  ‘But when people find out, surely they’ll do something?’

  ‘It depends what they know. What they’re told.’ We move forwards again. ‘What they believe.’ My stomach hurts more, the closer we get to the table. ‘John Andrews will be very selective about what he allows to be put on the news.’

  ‘What about the internet though?’

  ‘There are so many lies written there. No one will know what’s true and what’s not.’

  ‘So people might not even know we’re here?’ I ask.

  ‘Maybe not. The Trads shut down a lot of social media sites. And anywhere else they’ll just say what they want to say.’

  But I have a piece of paper hidden in my pocket and Destiny’s pencil. Could we really get a message to the outside world?

  Mum lets me go in front, so that I get my bread first. I start to eat it as soon as it’s in my hands, but the food is awkward in my dry mouth and I cough as I swallow it. I’m still eating when I follow the line of women outside.

  The rain is instant and harsh on my face, beating through my clothes. It soaks the rest of my bread, but it wets my lips and I need that. There, on the other side of the fence, are huddles of men. Somewhere in among them must be Luke and Darren. And Conor.

  ‘They haven’t said we can’t go close to the fence,’ I tell Destiny.

  ‘It’s not a good idea, Ruby,’ Aba says.

  But Destiny knows they can’t stop me. ‘Be careful,’ she says.

  I eat the last bit of my bread as I walk closer to the mesh that divides Luke and me. I spot Stan and I don’t even need to beckon him over because he’s coming towards me.

  ‘You always were a brave one, Ruby,’ he says, his voice warm.

  ‘It takes one to know one.’

  ‘How are you all?’

  ‘We’re okay.’

  ‘And your little gay friend? What’s her name again?’

  ‘Destiny.’

  ‘That’s the one. How’s she bearing up?’

  ‘She’s fine. Have you seen Luke?’

  Stan looks around. ‘He’s there. I’ll go and tell him you want to see him.’ As he walks away he looks over his shoulder. ‘Tell Destiny to keep strong.’

  ‘I will.’

  I watch Luke’s dad try to pull him back, but he shrugs him off and they both hurry towards me. There aren’t any guards nearby, so I step as close as I can to him, hooking my fingers into the fence. He somehow looks thinner than when I last saw him and the skin under his eyes is darker. I ache to touch him, to feel his hand on mine, but his dad holds him away.

  ‘Where did they take you?’ Luke asks.

  ‘We slept in there,’ I tell him, nodding to the building behind me. ‘It’s like an old office block or something. The rooms are smaller and there aren’t any beds.’

  ‘They’ll get some,’ he says.

  ‘You think
?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  My heart feels bruised, standing so close to Luke without being able to hug him.

  ‘You need to look after Darren for us,’ I say.

  ‘I will.’

  ‘He’s on his own, Luke.’

  ‘My dad and I will be with him.’

  I want to tell him how Destiny and I have written on the paper I stole and are going to find a way to get the messages out of the camp, but his dad is too close and will hear.

  ‘Where’s Conor?’ I ask. ‘Where is he?’

  ‘He doesn’t want his mum to see him at the moment.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because they’ve hurt him, Ruby.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘He kicked off about being separated from her, so they hit him.’

  ‘Badly?’

  Luke only nods. My mind scorches with an image of Conor needing to see his mum. The anger eating his mind until he’s no sense left.

  ‘You’ve got to help him, Luke. He’s got to stay calm.’

  ‘I know. I’m trying.’ He starts to cough. The same violent hacking that more and more people in the camp have.

  ‘Right,’ Luke’s dad says. ‘That’s enough now. You’re both going to move away from here before you get caught.’

  ‘I can’t,’ I tell him. I know I sound like a child, but I can’t just walk away from Luke, not knowing when I’ll see him again.

  ‘You have to.’ I’ve never heard Luke’s dad sound so angry. But the rain is on my skin, where Luke should be. ‘You’ve got to stay strong, Ruby.’

  ‘It’ll get sorted out,’ Luke says, but already they’re walking away from me.

  ‘Ruby.’ We’ve finished roll call and Conor’s mum finds me in the line as we wait to be led to the building where we sew. Her scarf clings to her head, soaked by the rain. ‘Did you see Conor?’

  ‘No.’ I don’t think I can bear this conversation.

  ‘I couldn’t find him anywhere,’ she says.

  ‘There were a lot of people,’ I say. ‘Mum only just caught a glimpse of Darren.’

  ‘But he would have been looking for me,’ she says. Her eyes are fragile and I can’t be the one to break them.

  ‘He’ll be fine,’ I tell her. ‘Luke told me he’s with them.’