by G S Banks
I hug him, kiss him on the cheek then follow Kelci out the door.
4. Big Almond Eyes
Gregory Residence, New York
Kelci has been tight-lipped all the way home despite my pleas for information, giving me no clue as to what to expect as I enter the sitting room through the double doors. As soon as I’m inside my heart flips. Right in the middle of the room stands a tall woman dressed head to toe in brown leather. She’s got dark exotic skin and she’s definitely the sort of woman you could legitimately call ‘handsome’. The cascading chestnut hair crowns the whole look. Her big almond eyes are watching me. My parents are also here, standing close by the grand piano. The whole scenario has me feeling hunted. My parents are hanging back with apprehensive but hopeful looks. Dad’s got his arm around Mum, like he’s not-so-subtly trying to hold her in check. Mum holds her cat in her arms, sinking her fingers into the thick, tiger print fur. Babs is a Red Cat, the companions of many Tigers, or so I’m told.
‘Hi, darling,’ my parents say in unison.
Kelci takes my hand, squeezes it and gives me a look, as if to say – listen to what the woman has to say – before going over to stand next to our parents, leaving me alone in the middle of the room being stared at by this woman in leather. What the hell does she want?
Her eyebrows rise.
‘That will come, Miss Gregory. But let me introduce myself first.’
What will come? Her accent is thick, foreign. I can’t place it.
‘I am Persian,’ she says.
Is she reading my mind? My palms are getting sweaty. Does this mean what I think it might? She narrows those eyes making the black lashes meet for a moment, then she steps forward holding her hand out towards me. It’s like I have no choice but to take it, yet - believe me - I would much rather be running back out the door, back to Mason, back to drinking tea. She frowns a little. Ok, shut up, shut off your mind – don’t think. Do not think.
‘It is a great feat to clear one’s mind entirely of every thought. Some people devote their entire lives to it,’ she says, shaking my hand. ‘My name is Artemiz, pleased to meet you, Miss Gregory.’
I let out a massive sigh. Her hand is warm and strong. I get the feeling she could crush my hand if she wanted to and she is reading my mind. I glance towards my parents and Kelci who look like they’re cheering me on from the sidelines. Why do they have to do that? They know damn fine how I’m bound to feel about this, but they’ve trapped me into it regardless. Babs leaps from Mum’s arms, lands like a miniature tiger, then sticks her bushy tail in the air and walks out the room.
‘Look everyone, I think I know where this is headed and I really just … don’t want anything to do with it. Let’s not waste our time here.’
Artemiz ignores me.
‘I am here as a representative of Muldoon Academy.’
This really makes my heart flip. The words I had longed to hear every day of my life up until exactly a year ago today. There’s no denying it. This woman is an Anitar. She is a Horse. And she is here for me.
‘So you understand perfectly,’ she says, bowing her head.
The one thing I wanted, before Terence died, was to manifest my own one of the Twelve Animals. To become an Anitar. Just like this woman. Just like my parents, just like my sister. God knows I had been trying every day for years before that. We both had, my sister and I. All we’d wanted was to be like them. But that was then, and this is now.
‘We want you for the Manifestation Program,’ she says.
Mum, Dad and Kelci look like it’s Christmas morning and they’re watching me open my presents.
‘You’ve got to be joking. Guys, please!’
This is just too much. Muldoon. The Anitar Academy where Mum and Dad first met. The finest in the world and not to mention the place Kelci is going when she turns sixteen. My parents’ eyes shine like their dreams are coming true. Despite it all, I do love them so much and seeing the hope in Kelci’s eyes, for a moment I feel like I’m letting everybody down. Again.
‘You won’t let anybody down,’ says Artemiz.
I turn to her abruptly.
‘You have to stop doing that.’
‘I did the same program,’ says Mum, as though unable to stop herself. ‘That’s how I manifested!’
As if I didn’t know already. Dad gives one of his calm smiles and tightens his grip around Mum’s shoulders. Mum is a Tiger, of course. Even knowing nothing of Anitars, you would be forgiven for noticing that there is a definite shade of tiger in my mother. There’s the auburn hair that rises up from her face, always thick and full. The green-yellow eyes that shine fiercely. The slender body, the sleek movements. It’s not hard to imagine her fighting like a tiger. She’s not afraid of anything and, like the other Tigers, so she told us, she brings her emotions under control using Kung Fu every day. As my Dad frequently says: ‘Tigers are fire-crackers.’
‘Mum, you accidentally broke your friend’s arm during a play fight before you did that program, it was obvious you were going to manifest.’
‘You still have a chance, Nina.’
‘I didn’t manifest when I needed it, so I’m definitely not going to manifest on some program.’
I drop my shoulders, feeling ensnared, willing this conversation to be over. Everyone please just leave me alone.
‘Just like me,’ she says to my Dad. ‘Stubborn and hot headed. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s a Tiger, after all.’
Mum’s been saying this since I was a little girl.
‘I’m not like you.’
‘Yes you are, Nina. And you’re an Anitar, through and through.’
Why does she push me? Even now?
‘I am not an Anitar. I never was. And I’m not now.’
Livid tears form in my eyes.
‘Alright, alright,’ says Artemiz, holding her hand out behind her towards Mum. ‘You have a point Nina, there’s a very low chance you would manifest with your track record so don’t get too excited.’
‘I’m not getting excited! You can read my mind can’t you? I am literally not excited at all.’
‘But you do have some potential, even if it is hazy. A Horse can not waste her time on no-hopers.’
But that is exactly what I am.
She is peering at me, as though trying to reassure herself she is right. She can recognise potential powers in others but from what I hear it often comes to nothing, even if the person does one of these Manifestation Programs and if they don’t manifest – well, they’re sent home with their memories wiped of the entire thing. And by guess who? A Horse. I shudder. I would never be a Horse.
‘The Program will help you find yourself,’ says Artemiz.
‘I know what I want be. I want to be a stylist, or maybe a fashion designer and I want to live a perfectly normal life that doesn’t lead me into near death situations every five minutes.’
I raise my chin to add emphasis.
‘I don’t care who knows it. I’m willing to be judged for my choices.’
Mum lets out one of her exasperated sighs. I pout my lips.
‘Nina,’ says Kelci. ‘We would be at Muldoon together.’
I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. That’s all either of us had ever wanted, once.
‘We wouldn’t be together necessarily. I’m sorry I just… Can’t pretend.’
Can’t pretend I would make it because I wouldn’t. You already manifested, I didn’t. End of story. Artemiz tilts her head.
‘Won’t you just try?’ says Kelci.
‘I don’t want to be an Anitar, I don’t want to live my life in secret.’
Artemiz is frowning, still studying my face. Kelci lets out a sigh. Mind – shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up. Just look at the clock. Think of nothing. Stare at the clock. My family watches me like I’m going crazy. Artemiz looks almost sorry for me and walks up, putting out an arm that seems almost protective.
‘Nina, my darling,’ says my Mum. ‘We only want what is best for y
ou.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘But I am the only one who knows what’s best for me.’
‘This really is something so special,’ she says. ‘Your Father and I… We just love you so much.’
‘So you need to let me do what I want with my life.’
‘There was a time when you wanted to manifest. Remember how I taught you Kung Fu?’
She pulls away from Dad.
‘Yes I remember. But that time’s gone now.’
‘Nina, my love, you can’t let what happened with Terence ruin all your chances. You didn’t do anything wrong.’
‘Tell that to everyone at East Park.’
‘I know how close you two were and how horrible the whole thing was, but you still have so much potential.’
Mum looks despairing as usual. Artemiz puts herself directly between us.
‘Let me speak to Nina alone,’ she says. ‘It would be best.’
‘I really don’t want to speak,’ I say, folding my arms across my chest.
‘You have no idea what you are giving up,’ says my Mum.
I huff.
‘Nina, show me to your bedroom please,’ says Artemiz.
I purse my lips and reluctantly head in the direction of my room. I hear Mum’s voice as we leave.
‘All I’m saying is, the whole thing was not her fault.’
Artemiz moves around my ‘weirdly neat’ (according to Kelci) bedroom, looking dramatic against the pastel colours and creams. She’s really quite scary, not least because I’ve never actually met an Anitar from outside the family. She takes my dressing table chair, swings it around and sits down so her legs are wrapped round the back. I perch on the bed.
‘Would you like to know what I think Nina?’
No, definitely not.
‘It is not this desire to lead some sort of “average life” you claim that pushes you forward.’
‘Very insightful, however…’
‘You didn’t kill that boy that night but you are letting him kill you. Slowly. By accepting mediocrity. What is this normality anyway? There is no such thing. It’s a lie put there by people to keep you small. Mediocrity is the enemy of greatness and let me tell you Nina, Muldoon is greatness.’
Terence is killing me … what? All I can do is watch her, open-mouthed, as she rises to her feet again and resumes the pacing. Her voice gets louder and she spins around to face me.
‘Forget all this “I can’t do this, I can’t do that”. We don’t have time.’
‘Please, that’s enough!’
I feel tears coming again.
‘You are not a victim so why would I treat you like one?’
I reach for a tissue on my bedside table and blow my nose.
‘You’re not very sensitive are you?’ I say. ‘Considering you know what I’m thinking. My innermost thoughts.’
‘Oh I’m sorry, you expect me to pussyfoot around you? I’m not a kitten, I don’t have paws. I’m a horse. I gallop.’
I sniffle. Does she think she’s actually a horse? She glares at me.
‘The point is I’m not here to tell you what you want to hear. I’m here to tell you the truth.’
I scrunch the tissue up in my hand and throw it at the wastepaper basket, watching as it misses and lands on the carpet. I speak quietly.
‘I am not going on some pointless program.’
‘Believe me, for you this program is not pointless.’
‘I already tried to manifest. And I failed.’
I did nothing when he needed me.
Her expression softens. She reaches over to my desk and pulls the papers on it towards her.
‘Comic strips. Who drew these?’
‘I did. Ages ago. Kelci came up with the story, and I drew them.’
We used to love dreaming up the adventures of Anitars and making comics about them, even though neither of us had much of a clue what actually goes on.
‘Nice,’ says Artemiz with a knowing smile. ‘The superhero saves the day…’
‘Of course.’
‘Only it doesn’t always work like that.’
Her dark eyes burn.
‘How do you mean?’
‘Winning always comes after losing. Sometimes after losing many, many times.’
‘Oh.’
‘No war has ever been won without the loss of a battle.’
‘Terence wasn’t a battle, if that’s what you’re trying to say. He was my friend and he died and I can never bring him back. I’m not in a war. All the Anitar stuff, the taking down evil stuff – it’s not my thing. It’s just not me. I don’t want that life and I don’t want everything that comes with it.’
Artemiz raises her eyebrows.
‘I can’t just be what everyone else wants me to be,’ I continue. ‘As soon as I realised I didn’t want to be an Anitar anymore, that was it – my family were disappointed in me. But you shouldn't love someone just because they do what you want. Because they fit into your plans and your idea of who they should be.’
She walks right up to me.
‘I do understand your thoughts, Nina. Thank you for sharing them with me.’
She lowers her face to mine.
‘Despite all you say and all you think I sense potential in you. It is my job to give you the choice, to let you know what is possible.’
She’s so close now I see the pores on her skin. Lordy this woman is intense. She stands up straight, her eyes turning from chestnut brown to black.
‘That’s what they all think.’
‘Besides I’ve seen what my sister went through when she manifested. It wasn’t pretty.’
‘It’s not supposed to be pretty. All your sister needs is training, which is precisely what Muldoon Academy is there for. Let me tell you, a fully apprenticed and trained Rabbit is a fierce and wonderful thing to behold. Their perceptions can extend to hundreds of miles, they are wild fighters, fabulous escape artists, I’ve never seen anyone catch a Rabbit. But it takes time and hard work to get there.’
I cross my arms stubbornly. Nothing you say will make me think differently.
‘My mind is made up. I don’t want it.’
Her voice drops.
‘Very well.’
Silence hangs in the air. I grab a cushion and hold it against my chest.
‘You are as aware as you can be of what you are refusing?’
‘I am.’
‘We cannot force you to take part.’
‘No.’
She strides across the room and reaches for the handle, giving me one last look.
‘As you wish, Miss Gregory.’
With that, she opens the door and leaves.
5. Happy Birthday, Kelci
Two weeks later, Grand Old New Yorker Hotel
The visit from Artemiz was awful. I wish she had never turned up with her long legs and leather suit. It has been so awkward in the house since then, with Mum looking at me like I’m an idiot, Dad looking at me like I’m a dying puppy and Kelci looking at me like she can’t even understand who I am anymore. She wanted me to say yes. Of course she did, she wants everything to be like it used to be. She thinks I’ve ‘changed’ and that I didn’t try hard enough to manifest and that all my new plans are stupid and pointless. She can’t stand Mason either, obviously. He’s not ‘one of us’ and worse still, he’s popular. But I’m not ‘one of us’ either, and I’m not the only one that has changed. I’m not sure exactly when Kelci began acting like a surly adult trapped in a teenage body but she did, and sometimes I just plain miss the soft-hearted girl that I know must still exist underneath the sulky face and awful clothes. If it were up to her we would still be on our manifestation rampages together: two powerless fools trying to manifest at all costs. Except there’s only one powerless fool left now.
Back then the two of us would go to the most ridiculous lengths. We would hold our breaths under water until we went blue, trying to see if we were Fish, or try to lift benches, hoping we were Bears or attempt, someh
ow, to disappear into walls like Chameleons, or - craziest of all - spit at each other to check for the venom of a Snake. We ran, hid, fought, crept, hunted. When I jumped out of a tree in the park and broke my wrist it was Kelci who bundled me into a taxi and took me to hospital. And then there was the endless fantasising about which Animal we could be. Hours spent discussing the scant knowledge we had about the Twelve Animals. Listing them off in unison, over and over: Fish, Bear, Chameleon, Snake, Tiger, Horse, Eagle, Frog, Snow Leopard, Deer, Rabbit, Fox. We would spend ages creating our comic strips too. As if any of that stuff would actually work.
We always remained perfectly powerless at the end of each session. Until Kelci manifested that is. But that was nothing to do with any of our efforts. That was just random and terrifying. It happened in the middle of the street as we were walking home with Mum one afternoon, not long after Terence died. She was eating an enormous ice-cream at the time, chocolate and vanilla, and I’ll never forget the way she suddenly stood stock still and dropped it to the ground. She bolted forward in a blur, stopping some distance away and looking back at us in total shock. Her hair turned from dusty blonde, to the white blonde it is now. Her skin became softer, dewy and her eyes turned a brighter blue. She stamped her foot and the pavement cracked and the earth started to shake in waves. As people around us began shouting ‘earthquake’ we ran to her and led her away before anyone realised she had caused the tremor. She struggled against us and held her hands over her ears the whole way home. Apparently it doesn’t often happen all at once – or at such a young age without a Manifestation Program – but for Kelci that was it. In an instant she was a Rabbit.
________
Tonight we are here at the Grand Old New Yorker Hotel for Kelci’s fifteenth birthday party. She said she didn’t want a party of course, but I insisted. I can lose myself, even if just for a while, when I do something creative like designing outfits or planning an event. Besides, I take care of birthdays in our family and now she’s 15 I finally get to do it properly. My heart swells as I look around at the candles lighting up the tables, the sweet little banners I put up on the walls, and I think of how much Terence should be here. He’d be teasing Kelci most likely, as he always did, calling her ‘little miss sunshine’ until she snapped at him with one of her insults. She always saved the best ones for him. The two of them bickered more than she and I do, but they loved each other all the same.