by Tom Hoobyar
3. WHERE, WHEN, AND WITH WHOM DO YOU WANT IT?
The objective of this question is to determine if the goal is “Ecological.” To give you a silly example of a nonecological goal, there was a man in Indonesia who wanted to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. The record he chose was one for which there wasn’t much competition. Although that makes good sense, he decided to pursue the record for the longest time buried alive. He survived his first attempt, but fell short of the record. Unfortunately, he didn’t survive his second attempt.
Of course, you wouldn’t do anything that extreme, yet people frequently find themselves pursuing all sorts of goals from the small (that ideal pair of shoes) to the lifetime ones (a law degree, a marriage) only to realize upon getting them that they weren’t worth the sacrifice.
How much better to consider this in advance? How do you make sure you don’t choose a goal that might prove to have disastrous effects? Here’s how you do that. Try it on. This might be by imagining what it will be like to achieve your goal. If you don’t have enough information to make a mental movie, it may be advisable to identify opportunities that would enable you to try it on.
If, for example, your goal is to become a doctor, you might want to volunteer with the Red Cross or try working in a hospital before making a twelve-year commitment to the extensive medical training required. Also, if the goal you’re considering is something major like a career goal, assessing elements like income potential and costs are basic and essential ecology checks. So another way to explore ecology is to ask, “How could pursuing and getting this outcome be a problem for me?” You see, ecology checks are there to protect you.
Another ecology-oriented question is “How will my desired outcome affect my life? How will this affect my health, friends and family, finances, and work?” Even though the meta-outcomes I came up with were attractive to me, I didn’t consider how the potential ripple effects of getting what I want might affect the people who are important to me. For example, feeling persuasive might change my behavior and, consequently, some of the friendships I currently enjoy at work. My coworkers might become more competitive with me. My boss could be happy, but he could also be intimidated. If I really excelled and got promoted, I might be asked to transfer, which I don’t think my spouse would like because our children are all nearby. You get the picture.
A twenty-six-year-old client of mine dreamed of being a speech pathologist and was the first woman in her family to earn a college degree. When she got it, she was surprised that her family wasn’t more excited. In fact, they treated her as though, all of a sudden, she thought she was too good for them. This potential reaction had never occurred to her. So if you’re having trouble anticipating the ripple effects, get some input from people who know you, your situation, and your significant others well. There’s no guarantee or threat that what you come up with will actually happen as a result of getting your outcome—but it’s important to anticipate these possibilities.
4. WHAT STOPS YOU FROM HAVING YOUR DESIRED OUTCOME ALREADY?
The purpose of this question is twofold. First, it helps you generate a list of action items. Second, it can reveal what you’re thinking and feeling.
So when I ask myself what stops me from feeling more persuasive, I might be thinking, “I need a better script for positioning our latest product” or “I need to memorize our latest research data.” Whatever answers I come up with simply become tasks on my to-do list.
However, when I ask myself what stops me from feeling persuasive, I might also find myself feeling frustrated and thinking, “In this economy, it’s really hard to make appointments with prospects.” This limited thinking stops me, and it’s not completely true. Other salespeople are getting appointments with prospects. So even though it may be challenging to get appointments and I may need to experiment with different approaches, it is possible. After all, it isn’t likely that these potential clients won’t see anyone new, is it? Identifying what’s real and what’s not makes it possible to create a workable strategy for achieving a goal. Asking questions like these helps you reconsider and refine goals that have been producing mixed feelings.
5. WHAT RESOURCES WILL YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CREATE WHAT YOU WANT?
There are two parts to this step. First, what resources do you already have that will contribute to getting your outcome? Second, what additional resources will you need in order to get your outcome? (In NLP, “Resources” might include knowledge, time, experience, money, contacts, support, and so on.)
So now I’m wondering, “What resources do I have right now that I can use to feel more persuasive at work?” Upon reflection, I might notice that I feel and am most persuasive when my presentation materials are well organized and I can easily put my hands on the right data or collateral. I might recall that I feel more persuasive and helpful when I tell success stories about how this solution has worked for other clients. And I might decide that because I have a proven track record with them, my current customers are often very open to new solutions I recommend. Talking with them to find out what their needs and challenges are helps me understand what’s important to them and how I need to share information if I’m going to persuade them. I guess I could even ask them for referrals.
So, what additional resources do you need in order to get to your outcome? When I try this on in terms of my goal, I’m thinking that some additional sales training on getting appointments could be useful. I could check out what’s offered online or in my community. Maybe my boss could be a resource, too. I could record my phone calls and get coaching on what I could have said or done differently.
Sometimes when we’re feeling stuck, it’s hard to think of what resources might be useful. Checking out the Internet and online groups, or brainstorming with colleagues or friends, can help loosen up our thinking and open up new possibilities.
6. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THERE?
Without action, a goal is just an idea. In addition to a timeline, a useful plan breaks the who, what, how, when, and where into manageable chunks. Since talking with current customers will move me closer to my goal, part of my plan would include a list of which customers to contact and compiling a list of key questions to ask them. My plan might also include some Internet research and networking on appointment setting so I could strengthen my selling skills and not feel so flustered when someone isn’t yet ready to meet with me.
Although chunk and sequence size are critical to a successful plan, having options about how to accomplish a goal is also essential. In NLP, we operate on the premise that more choice is better. So a plan whose success depends on just one way of doing something can be a recipe for disappointment. Ideally, a plan is just a road map. You use it to get where you’re going, and it includes alternate routes.
That’s an overview of the Well-Formed Outcome. So, right now, think of at least three things you want. It might be as simple as “What I want to get out of this book is . . .” or as complex as “I want to travel more.” List these “wants” you came up with on the blank pages at the end of this chapter.
Discovery Activity:
Creating a Well-Formed Outcome
Pick one of the wants you just identified and use it to apply the Well-Formed Outcome, answering the questions using the worksheet on the following two pages.
Well-Formed Outcome Worksheet
1. What specifically do you want? Describe your desired outcome or state in a positive sensory-based way that’s an appropriate chunk-size and also addresses WHAT ELSE having or achieving your outcome will do for you (Meta-Outcomes).
2. How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want? Determine if the “evidence” you’re focused on is appropriate and timely (soon and regular enough).
3. Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want to have this result? Reflect on the context(s) in which you want to have this outcome and evaluate the ecology so you can consider how achieving this result may affect other areas, aspects, or people
in your life.
4. What stops you from having your desired outcome already? Identify and explore any feelings, thoughts, or circumstances that seem to inhibit movement toward your outcome.
5. What resources will you need to help you create what you want? Determine what resources you ALREADY have that will help you (knowledge, money, connections, etc.). Consider additional resources you’ll need to move forward.
6. How are you going to get there? Identify manageable steps to help achieve your result, consider multiple options to get where you want to go, and determine the FIRST step you’ll take.
To use the Well-Formed Outcome for other goals, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/2-1 or use the QR code with your phone.
One of the most valuable uses of the Well-Formed Outcome may seem counterintuitive. Updating your goals and throwing out ones that you realize don’t fit is every bit as useful as creating ones that do. Maybe they did at one time, or maybe they were just nice to think about. Now, having taking these through the outcome process, the achievement is to take them off your list. Good for you. That frees up your energy and time for the outcomes you realize you really do want, that are worth having, and that you are ready to move toward.
Being of Two Minds: Congruence/Incongruence
“Have you ever felt like you wanted to go, but you felt like you wanted to stay?”
That lyric from an old Jimmy Durante song is a great example of something we all experience. It’s that sense of an inner conflict, like one part of us wants to do one thing, and another part of us wants to do something else. Or it can seem that we’re just uncertain about what we really want to do. NLP calls this “Incongruence”: times when you feel conflicted about a goal or a situation.
You can also feel incongruent about a more pleasant conflict, like when part of you wants to go to the mountains and part of you wants to go to the beach. More important is when incongruence reveals a conflict in our values. Imagine, for example, that your boss told you that you need to be more aggressive with a certain customer. Yet, to you, being aggressive means being pushy, and being pushy violates your values and your sense of who you are.
You’ve also experienced times when you’ve felt no doubt or conflict, and everything seemed to be going your way. This is frequently referred to as “being in the zone” or being in a flow state. In NLP, we call this being “Congruent.” Learning to detect when you are congruent, and when you are not, is a very important life skill. The more you are aware of your personal signals of incongruence, the faster you can identify and resolve the conflict you’ve uncovered. The faster you resolve any incongruence, the easier things will be for you and the more effective you will be because you’re not spinning your wheels and unconsciously resisting or debating an issue.
Incongruence is a real source of friction in our lives. It takes a lot of personal energy to overcome a part of you that’s really opposed to a certain course of action. The more you try to override that part, the more likely it is that the unwilling part of you will object more strongly. And when you fight with yourself, you tend to lose.
It’s far more effective and in the long run simply easier to develop the ability to notice when you’re incongruent and resolve it. It’s one of the easiest skills to learn and one of the most rewarding. One of the greatest sources of emotional and physical stress is when your mind is trying desperately to override your body’s righteous desire to stop you from doing something that violates your integrity. The most effective way to turbocharge your life is to learn to move in harmony with your values.
Here’s how. We’ve all had experiences of being completely congruent about something we wanted. Just think back to when you were a child and you really wanted that special toy for your birthday, or you really wanted that cherry Popsicle on a hot summer afternoon. In your adult life, you’ve had lots of experiences of being congruent about something you wanted. It could be as simple as knowing you craved Thai food or wanted to see that new movie.
Discovery Activity:
Recognizing Incongruence
You’ve had many recent experiences of being congruent about something you wanted, right? So simply think of the first one of those recent situations that comes to your mind. Now, very specifically remember the time and place where you felt that way. Remember who, if anyone, was around you, where you were, what you saw, what you heard, and what you felt. Remember that experience now as if you were there and looking out from your own eyes. What are you seeing now? What are you hearing? What are you feeling?
Recalling all that is pretty empowering, isn’t it? Right now, just pick one aspect of that memory, whether it’s a picture or something heard or felt—one aspect that seems most important to you. It’s your mind, so whichever element seems most important to you is the one.
Now, set that aside, and consider the opposite experience. Think of a time when you were really uncertain, when you really felt ambivalent about something that you were supposed to do. It’s often easier to find a useful example when you think of something that someone else wanted you to do and you didn’t really want to.
Think of that experience now, with this difference. Remember it as if it were at a distance, as if you were outside of it watching someone else. Watch that memory from outside, and notice—what’s the first thing that let you know it was not something you wanted to do?
Now take that feeling, sound, or image and magnify it, make it louder or larger or brighter or stronger. You want to be sure that you’ll recognize it every time it comes up. This is your warning signal. This is the signal that will let you know you need to really pay attention and sort out what’s going on. Whenever you get that signal, it’s time to stop the action, step back, and thoroughly assess your situation.
This is why I’ve found that creating a congruent Well-Formed Outcome is such an indispensable tool. When you make it a habit to review your goals and dreams through the Outcome Frame and your Congruence Check, you’re less likely to get into situations where you find yourself in conflict with others—or, more important for the moment, with yourself.
Are You In or Out? Being Associated or Disassociated
In the two memories you just recalled, you may have noticed something different about the emotional impact. If you followed the instructions, in the first memory you were “in” the experience. NLP calls this an “Associated” experience. In the second memory you were outside the memory observing yourself, and that’s called a “Disassociated” experience.
The technique of associating and disassociating is really useful and here’s why: When we associate into an image or an experience, whether it’s real or imaginary, it’s much more intense for us. When we disassociate from an experience, we are watching ourselves in it and we still get most of the information from that image, but not the emotional impact.
The ability to recall an experience in a disassociated way allows you to observe it more impartially. Think back to the two different experiences you remembered. In the first experience, which was associated, you were in your feelings. In the second one, the disassociated experience, your feelings were observed from outside. They were “over there.”
If you have a memory that feels yucky, I suggest that you always visit that memory disassociated. There’s no reason to feel those old yucky feelings again, even once. You can still access the information by just seeing the movie, if you even want to do that. If a memory is really bad or traumatic, there are powerful ways to deal with it.
It’s fascinating to me that some people tend to see all the unpleasant things, whether they’re real or imagined worries, as associated. In this way, they’re doing a lot to make themselves unhappy. Even if they’re not doing it deliberately, it’s a bad habit that causes them to get in the image and live the yucky bits. And, all the pleasant stuff, they view disassociated! If you sometimes do this, you can easily turn that around. You could immediately start changing your life outlook by noticing all of your experiences that were pleasant and revisiting them
in an associated fashion, so you’re actually reliving the experience. Try it; it will enrich you.
Because you’re a different person than you were at the time the memory was created, and you know more today than you did then, you’ll be able to perceive and understand more things about that past experience. Here’s why. All of the data that was available is stored in your brain, so you can look around now and notice things you didn’t notice before. This is the same phenomenon that makes hypnosis so effective. In hypnosis, you may have access to information that you ignored simply because it was in the background at the time.
It may be that you would choose to view all of your unpleasant memories, your worries, and even things about the future disassociated. Why live through them again? It was probably bad enough the first time. It’s unnecessary roughness to do it again. There’s no reason for it. If your brain says to you (or if you’ve been taught), “Well, that’s how we learn,” that’s not true, it’s not. You’re really smart. You can learn the first time. You know what you like and don’t like, and you know what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. There’s no necessity for or benefit from any continuing punishment.
Subtle Distinctions That Matter: Sub-Modalities
Association and disassociation is just one example of the finer distinctions our sensory systems make. In NLP, we think of the senses as “Modalities,” and the unique and subtle qualities within each modality are called “Sub-Modalities.” Because these distinctions reflect and impact how we feel, we refer to these as “molecules of meaning.”