NLP

by Tom Hoobyar

  • Meta-programs are thought patterns, based on generalizations (an efficiency strategy that the brain uses) because we don’t have time to relearn everything. These patterns act as automatic filters that help us make decisions; they tell us what’s okay for someone and what’s not. They also filter out any evidence that’s contrary to the belief. Someone’s meta-programs are reflected in how they speak and behave.

  • Although there are more than forty meta-programs, six key ones to focus on are:

  > Options/Procedures

  > Toward/Away-From

  > Proactive/Reactive

  > Internal/External

  > General/Specific

  > Match/Mismatch

  • Predicates are sensory-based words that telegraph someone’s preferred representational channel—visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. For example, “That sounds good to me,” “I hear you loud and clear,” or “That rings true in my experience” are phrases usually indicating an auditory representation of experience.

  • Your self-concept is a generalization about your behavior that is based on selecting examples of events that demonstrate your qualities, collecting them together into a database, and then using one example as a sort of summary—what cognitive linguists call a prototype.

  • When counter-examples are integrated into your database of examples, as examples of learning, they strengthen the self-concept. Too many counter-examples, or counter-examples that are too large or prominent, can threaten or destroy the self-concept.

  • When making changes to their self-concept, someone may discover more about how they “work” and need to negotiate internal changes to get the best possible result (as Denise did).

  To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-10 or use the QR code with your phone.

  Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

  Section Two: It’s All About Relationship

  CHAPTER FIVE: MAKING COMFORTABLE CONNECTIONS

  How come we don’t connect?

  When we get too caught up in the busy-ness of the world, we lose connection with one another and ourselves.

  —Jack Kornfield

  This quote is a great snapshot of how many people feel today. Section 1 was all about understanding and making connections with yourself. This section focuses on making connections with others.

  In this era of ever-evolving technology, experts say we communicate more than ever before because we can so easily connect to information, to other people, to places all over the world. Others say that these instantaneous, fleeting “touches” don’t really satisfy our need for human connection. And some educators and business leaders fear that our reliance on electronic technologies will limit our ability to communicate and connect in face-to-face situations.

  What you’ll learn in this chapter will help you make positive first impressions and create rapport with anyone you choose to—simply by making them feel safe and interesting. That may sound pretty fundamental, and it is. Yet it’s not what most of us do when we initially meet and try to connect with someone.

  Internal Systems:

  How You Work Is Similar to How Others Work

  In the first section of this book, you discovered a lot about how your brain works and how you can make changes so you function even more effectively. Everything you learned that goes on inside you also goes on inside other people. We all have the same structure of experience. We receive some kind of stimuli, either a memory or something coming in from outside; then the brain assigns a meaning to it . . . that triggers emotions . . . and those emotions trigger a behavior:

  To oversimplify things, this “process” is how we create our inner worlds, our personal “Maps.” Now we’re moving into dealing with someone else, too—someone who has their own unique map! We’re all processing, all the time, right? But here’s the thing. When we see other people, all this goes on so fast that we just make assumptions about who they are. We stereotype: the person says this or does that, therefore they’re a certain kind of person. Frequently, our judgments about another person, which are really more like first impressions, are really nothing more than a reflection of our own internal filters. That’s often where the problem starts.

  What do we have to do inside ourselves before we can cleanly and effectively deal with this other person? If you really want to “get” another person, it helps to drop your filters and find a way to be aware of what you’re thinking. In fact, people who are really wonderful with others make it a point to consciously check their own thinking. This helps them set aside their personal filters or mental prejudices so they can get the real information as it comes in; they get what’s actually happening past their personal filters. People who do this effectively are truly able to focus on the other person. Because of this, they are considered “good company” and other folks enjoy being with them.

  Inside Out:

  How to Adjust Your Inner World to Be Better Company

  As you learned in the last chapter, there are many experiences that have shaped the way you are today. And now you know that you can change your experience, your responses, and even your self-concept. Here’s a hard fact: Being the way you are is a choice. I’m not talking about things like being tall or being Swedish. I’m talking about how you think, feel, and act. It may not always seem true, but it is. As you’re aware, how we rewire ourselves is also a choice.

  If you suddenly came into a lot of money and wanted to renovate and add on to your house, how might you begin that process? You’d probably start by thinking of houses that you really liked. And, most likely, you’d also give some thought to places you’ve lived, or seen, that you didn’t like, right? You’d talk with trusted friends who know you well to get their recommendations, and you might even involve them in the project.

  Rewiring yourself is a lot like the process of designing and building a house. You start with the foundation of who you are now. You evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of how you are today; then you begin to imagine and integrate new possibilities, right? You could rewire your health-related habits, the way you manage your financial decisions, or how you take care of your home. You can change almost anything. For now, let’s focus on how you interact with others.

  Discovery Activity:

  Identifying Ways That You’re Good Company

  Imagine looking into a virtual mirror where you can see movie clips of how you look, sound, and behave when you’re with other people. What do you like best about how you interact with people? Perhaps you’re a patient listener. Maybe you bring a lot of energy and laughter to conversations. Maybe you’re well informed and interesting. What is it that makes you good company?

  Take a moment now and think of a time when you felt good about yourself after a conversation. What specifically do you like about what you did, how you behaved, what you said? Note these things.

  Consider a few other situations where you felt good about how you interacted with someone, and include specific behaviors or ways of being on the list you’re making.

  These examples show you in the best light, don’t they?

  Now it’s time to take a look at yourself in the harsh light of day; maybe it’s your bathroom mirror that seems to age you ten years. Yikes! Based on this glimpse, identify at least two ways you could be better company. These insights may come from things others have told you or you might find memories of interactions where you were kind of whiny, bossy, aggressive, or not really present.

  Reflecting back on these times might be uncomfortable, so it can be tempting to dismiss these as exceptions. But wouldn’t you be relieved if you could do something so that there were no, or at least very few, repeat performances? You can. And it’s your choice.

  Maybe you’re a real sweetheart and you never create any friction. But perhaps, on the odd occasion when you’re under stress, weary, or hungry, maybe that’s when these less
desirable traits or behaviors come out. Yours may be few, but most of us have them. If you sincerely want to become as good as possible in dealing with others, it’s time to think about really exploring the ways you could be even more enjoyable to be or communicate with. What are these? Add these opportunities to your list.

  If you’re really committed, or at least brave, get feedback from people you live or work with. You might say, “I’d like to get better at how I connect with people and I’m hoping you can help me by candidly answering three quick questions.” Once you get their agreement, start by asking, “When you think of interacting or spending time with me, what do you like best about that? What’s one thing you’d like me to keep doing?”

  They might say that they like how you really look at them when they’re telling you something, that they feel like you’re not judging them, or that you always have good advice. Whatever they say, make sure you understand it; you may even want to ask them to share a specific example so you can tap into the memory or feeling they’re sharing with you. If you don’t understand it, it’s hard not to keep doing it or do it more often.

  Thank them for that feedback and ask them the next question. “If you could change one thing about how I interact with you, what would that be? You’re important to me and I really want to know. What would you like me to stop doing?” This may not be easy for you to ask, or for them to answer. Remember, you’re looking for something that you can improve. They might say, “You’re always so busy and rushed, I feel like I’m not important.” Or they may say, “I hate it when you check email or accept phone calls when I’m trying to tell you something.” The reflection they show you may not be welcome or pretty.

  You might be thinking, “Wow, that was harsh” or “I only do that once in a while.” Breathe. Of course, you don’t intend to be bossy, negligent, or condescending. But if the meaning of the communication is the response that you’re getting back, then you want to change your approach so you get a different response back, right?

  When you ask these three questions, really try to hear the response. Remember, this person is entrusting you with something that’s uncomfortable, something they wish were different. It’s important to avoid being defensive and to make sure you understand what they mean. Acknowledge what they said: “So, what I heard you say is that you’d like me to give you my full attention when we’re talking and if something happens that I have to attend to right away, you’d like me to commit to a time when we can pick up where we left off. Is that right? Thank you for telling me that. It’s very useful feedback—and it’s something I’m very willing to work on.”

  Asking this question can generate some emotional sparks and the other person may see this discussion as an opportunity to get some other things off their chest. If so, you’ll have to decide how to handle that in the moment or schedule a time to fully address their concerns. Later in this chapter, you’ll learn some tips to help cool down emotional situations.

  The final question is “If you could wave a magic wand to change how I interact with you, what’s one thing you’d like me to start doing?” The answers to this question usually surprise me. The answers don’t feel like criticism and they provide me with insight into what’s really important to that person. This has been a blessing to me in personal and professional relationships.

  Three simple questions—keep, stop, start. When asked with intention and sincerity, they can help you immensely. Right now you’re probably already thinking about people you want to ask for feedback. I recommend starting with easy situations first; perhaps it’s your favorite client, a friend who’s usually complimentary, or a teacher who’s given you good advice in the past. Whomever you ask, thank them for sharing their impressions with you. By responding, they’re taking a risk and making an investment in your relationship.

  Of course, the feedback you get reflects what the other person makes up in their mind, but again, we’re the ones who are striving to be the most flexible because we want the most influence. Therefore, it’s not about right or wrong, it’s simply about who’s going to be the most flexible.

  Once you get feedback from others, add their input to your list. Knowing the ways you are good company and the ways you can be easier to be around is a gift. If you act on the information people share with you, you will be easier to be around. Happily, I’m proof of that.

  Friction on the Line?

  How the Three Parts of Your Brain Work Together

  If you’ve reflected on your past experiences, you know what behaviors or ways of being you have that you want to improve. Even with this awareness of your habits, your brain and your state of mind affect how you radiate and what kind of vibe you’re sending out.

  Here’s why. The brain has different parts—and these parts have different jobs. A New York Times article titled “Inside the Mind of Worry” by David Ropeik explains this well.

  Work on the neural roots of fear by the neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux of New York University, and others, has found that in the complex interplay of slower, conscious reason and quicker, subconscious emotion and instinct, the basic architecture of the brain ensures that we feel first and think second. The part of the brain where the instinctive “fight or flight” signal is first triggered—the amygdala—is situated such that it receives incoming stimuli before the parts of the brain that think things over. Then, in our ongoing response to potential peril, the way the brain is built and operates assures that we are likely to feel more and think less.

  This instinctive part of the brain is at work almost every time we meet someone. In fact, it’s probably operating when you walk into a dark room. At some level, the amygdala is sort of saying to the higher brain, “Pay attention. Look around. Make sure everything’s okay.”

  This situation is kind of like a pan of water that’s set on simmer. As long as the water is warming and on simmer, there’s no problem. The amygdala communicates with the higher brain, and the higher brain can analyze and solve problems and reduce danger. That’s fine.

  However, when it boils over, then that’s it. Now the thinking brain shuts off because the amygdala is saying “Run! Run!” or “Get ready to fight!” At that point, you’re not going to be very successful in managing yourself to deal with others. And if you’re dealing with somebody who’s in that state, you’re not going to be able to talk to their higher brain, either.

  People are being driven by different aspects of their brain at different times. So it’s important to be aware of where they are and how resourceful they might be in their current state of mind. When we encounter somebody in traffic, they may be driving with raw emotion, like anger. It’s really dangerous and I see it a lot. When you’re the passenger where the driver is flipping people off, honking their horn, or cutting other cars off in traffic, there’s no real way to have a conversation with them that’s going to be at a higher level, or to have any sort of reasonable interaction.

  I want to mention the multifaceted brain because we’re always shifting back and forth between its different parts. When we’re in conversation with someone else, we want to be able to move from the feeling parts of the brain to the thinking parts so that we can actually talk. That means that we want to reduce the possibility of amygdala hijack, ours and theirs. We want to calm this part down. We want to make the other person feel safe, and then we can have a conversation with them.

  Too Much of a Good Thing? The Role of Empathy

  One of my clients, a twenty-nine-year-old social worker, asked me if it was possible to have too much empathy. She went on to explain that she was worried that she was sometimes so empathetic that she felt like she lost herself a little.

  As we talked about this concern, my thought was—and this is a generalization—“This is something I hear from my other female clients and friends.” Like my wife, Laura often wrestles with her early conditioning of being a good little girl—struggling to balance the childhood messages she got with her present-day experiences and needs.

&nbs
p; Because being empathetic with others is a good skill to have, I wanted to make sure Laura decided to develop additional resources, rather than “bench” this one. So I encouraged her to intentionally notice throughout the day what perceptual position she was in, and to experiment with each of the three different perceptual positions. I advised her that whenever she felt too deeply involved with another person’s feelings to step outside herself and ask, “Am I going too far? How am I feeling inside? What are my feelings?”

  You might be wondering what perceptual positions are. We played in this neighborhood during Chapter 2 when we explored association and disassociation—the sub-modalities of being “in” the picture or mental movie or outside it. Let’s talk briefly about the three perceptual positions because understanding this will really help you when interacting with other people.

  When we’re really mentally healthy, we flicker around between first, second, and third positions, as appropriate. And we can go too far with any of the positions.

  First Position

  First position is where you’re in your own body. You see everything through your eyes and you know exactly how you feel. You know what you want, and that’s a position of great authenticity. It can also be a kind of infantile position. After all, it’s the perceptual position we had when we were babies, right? At that point, we really knew what we wanted. “I’m hungry. I’m cold. I’m wet.” That’s all we knew then and we yelled until we got it addressed. You probably know some adults who still operate like this. When people get stuck in first position, we describe them as narcissistic or immature. In NLP, some people also refer to this position as self.