by Tom Hoobyar
Different Journeys:
How Beliefs Distinguish Our Inner Worlds
Sometimes when people make unconscious statements, they present it as fact. A well-respected colleague of mine once said in one of our monthly meetings, “Time will get away from us and the business will collapse if we don’t do this.” His dire prediction provided a peek into his inner world. Even though his statement wasn’t on target, he let us all know how concerned he was about what would happen if we didn’t take action quickly. This was just his belief.
As you know from Chapter 4, when you start listening carefully to your own language you can get a good look at your beliefs and you may get a picture of your inner world. You may hear yourself say things like “You know, every time I get a project it’s such a mess when I get it that I can’t possibly finish it on time.”
Even in our internal dialogue, these are statements given as fact, but they’re not fact. When you hear a belief, go inside yourself and think for a moment, “Is that true? Every time I’m given a project, even if it’s kind of a mess, is it true that I can’t finish it on time? What if just a few sections need extensive editing? I could finish that on time.” Or, with the belief about the business collapsing, it’s important to ask, “Is that really true? Will the business really come to a grinding halt?” Probably not.
On a lighter note, you may hear one of a teenager’s beliefs when they exclaim, “Well, I can’t wear those shoes with this!” You can ask, “Oh really? Why not?” And you might hear something fascinating, like “Well, because they’re totally the wrong color blue.” With further exploration, you may come to understand that the blues have to match exactly. Some of the beliefs you’ll hear will strike you as being pretty funny, including some of your own.
Discovery Activity:
Identifying Your Beliefs
Before we consider how to uncover other people’s beliefs, let’s see what happens when you reveal a few of your own. Complete the following sentences by filling in the first thing that comes to your mind.
I am ____________________.
People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
Now, read each completed sentence and try it on. Have you ever heard yourself express this point of view before? Does this feel true to you? Would you be likely to disagree with someone if they completed the sentence differently?
How long have you had this thought?
When you’re done, just put this activity aside for a moment. We’ll come back to it.
Roots of Beliefs: The Importance of Experience and Belonging
In Chapter 4, you learned that most of your beliefs were formed when you were young. This happens in two ways. Some beliefs are sort of cause and effect. They’re formed from personal experience, like “If I cry, someone will come and feed me or change my diapers.” As an adult, this belief might be expressed as “If I let someone know what I need, they’ll respond,” but the emotional reaction that’s linked to this belief may be more like a child’s. That’s because the belief that’s still creating the motivation is one a small child came up with in an effort to make sense of the world. Isn’t that fascinating?
In contrast, other beliefs come from unverified information—like the family or local wisdom; they’re simply learned and integrated. It’s a tribal kind of thought. By sharing similar beliefs and views of the world, we feel not only some sense of order and control, but also a sense of belonging. Initially, these beliefs of belonging relate to our families because our very survival rests with being cared for and accepted. Later, this kind of tribal thinking may extend to include the school we go to, the community we live in, the company we work for, a spiritual congregation we practice with, or even social and political groups we affiliate with. Most of these groups have shared beliefs that drive their motivations and behaviors.
Beliefs that are acquired like hand-me-downs can be tricky because beliefs filter the information we let in. Here’s an example. One day my neighbor’s eight-year-old daughter said, “I’d never marry a rich man.” This really caught my attention, so I said, “That’s interesting; how come you wouldn’t want to marry a rich man?” She looked at me like I was incredibly stupid or from another planet and said (like it was the most reasonable thing in the world), “Because rich people aren’t happy.”
When she answered my question about her belief, she revealed another belief. While it’s possible that she actually knew some rich people and based her conclusion on her experience, it seemed unlikely to me. These were beliefs she’d heard in her tribe and accepted without question. Even though I was a little alarmed about her conclusion, I didn’t argue with her. I simply gave her some statistics about how the lack of money is a source of conflict in many marriages and explained that marrying someone who had money might eliminate those problems. This line of reasoning didn’t seem to shake her conviction.
In contrast, a former girlfriend’s mother had always told her daughter when she was little, “It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man.” Of these two beliefs, which one seems the most limiting, and which one seems the most empowering?
It seems quite possible that my neighbor’s daughter might, in fact, decide not to hang around with those unhappy rich people, unwittingly limiting her possibilities for friendship and marriage. Again, in contrast, my girlfriend’s mom simply opened the door to possibility, so she could consider all men as potential candidates.
In a nutshell, all of us form beliefs, most often from our earliest days. Without some adult experience that calls a belief into question, we can carry these thoughts as truths through our whole lives. Even though many beliefs are unconscious, it helps to notice them and bring them into the light for further examination. Then the most important question we can ask is “How is this belief working within us? Is it empowering us or limiting us?”
These beliefs are evident in how someone completes the sentences you just did in the last activity: I am . . . People are . . . Life is . . .
I love exploring beliefs, and often when I’m talking with a new friend, I like to say, “Just for giggles, I’d like to play a game. Complete this sentence for me. Life is like a ________________.” I’m always intrigued by what they come up with. For example, I’ve heard,
“Life is like a game.”
“Life is like a contest.”
“Life is a battle.”
“Life is an adventure.”
“Life is a circus.”
“Life is a journey.”
People come up with all sorts of metaphors that give you an indication of their beliefs about life. A battle and a circus, are they talking about the same thing? Absolutely. And in addition to having diverse beliefs about life, people have beliefs about themselves and about other people.
The parts of the world that really impact us are what we say to ourselves about our lives, how we characterize them, and how other people treat us. How other people treat us, of course, is a little more complicated because that’s mixed in with how we treat them and what their beliefs are. In many cases, we draw conclusions from what other people do (or don’t do) that aren’t really justified by what they did in that one specific situation.
Here’s the bottom line. People’s attention, even in conversation, is frequently internally focused, although it may seem like they’re listening to you. This experience is so common it is frequently expressed as a joke along the lines of “Listening is not thinking of what you are going to say next.”
In general, people are mostly concerned with themselves. They’re much more focused on their own thoughts, feelings, choices, and behaviors than anyone else’s. That’s not necessarily bad or selfish; it’s just the way most people work. It’s one of our basic survival characteristics.
Said another way, once you recognize and accept that, most of the time, someone else’s attention is on their own experience, you will find it a lot easier to understand people and why they do what they do.
As you know, u
nderstanding how your beliefs motivate and shape your experience can help you recognize how powerful they are in your life—and how powerful other people’s beliefs are in their own lives.
Discovery Activity:
Exploring a Personal Belief
Let’s revisit the activity you did a moment ago. Choose one of the beliefs you discovered when you completed the following sentences.
I am ____________________.
People are ________________.
Life is ___________________.
When you consider this belief now, is this something that people in your family believed?
Based on who you are today, is this something you still think is true, or something you simply accepted and once believed?
Although many beliefs originally embodied a positive intention, like keeping us safe, or helping us belong, they still impact our behavior.
So, is the belief you identified empowering, or limiting?
If it’s limiting, is this something you’d like to change?
One of the beliefs I’m fortunate to have is that I’m lucky. I’m pretty sure I got this from my parents. They were people who looked for and focused on the positive things in life. I remember that even when times were hard, they encouraged my brother and I to count our blessings and be grateful. So, feeling that I’m lucky is a belief I want to keep and continue to feel empowered by.
But if I had a limiting belief that “people are always out to get you,” that’s something I might want to change. If I’d had this belief for a long time, I would also have lots of evidence that it’s true, simply because that’s what I’d been looking for. A way to loosen up this belief would be to identify counter-examples, examples that show how this belief isn’t always accurate.
Perhaps I could think of someone who was often nice to me, or I could remember a friend, teacher, or coworker, who once stood up for me when someone else was being unkind or unfair. Maybe there was a time when a complete stranger let me go ahead of them at the grocery store checkout when I was in a hurry. Even a small example can begin to loosen up a limiting belief.
If I couldn’t identify any counter-examples in my own experience, I could look for these with others. If you decide to do this, don’t pick the person who seems to have everything going their way. Instead, pick someone you know pretty well who’s had some tough breaks, then step into second position with them and notice anything that flies in the face of “People are always out to get you.” Perhaps this individual got a raise or a promotion. Perhaps someone gave them free tickets to an event. Perhaps a person who owed them money paid it back. What in this person’s experience could provide you with a kernel of evidence and hope that “people are always out to get you” is not true?
Your beliefs are powerful, and so are other people’s. You might be wondering what to do when you encounter another person’s belief that’s different from yours. Imagine, for a moment, that someone across from you is stating something as fact that you know not to be fact. What do you do about that? Do you jump right into a debate? Let’s hold this question for the next chapter, when you’ll learn several ways to explore what the other person thinks and create an opening to consider a different point of view.
For now, I recommend that you notice the belief and continue to learn about your companion. Do them the favor of being curious about them, and continue to gather information about them. Usually, people find this kind of conversation to be a very pleasant experience. They find you fascinating because you’re fascinated with them, so this is a win/win situation.
Wants and Needs: How Exploring Beliefs Uncovers
Motivations and Meta-Outcomes
Because unconscious beliefs shape our decisions and behavior, when people tell you about something they want or need, you’ll often discover that the stated goal is not their real motivation. There’s something called the goal-behind-the-goal, or “Meta-Outcomes.” In learning about the Well-Formed Outcome in Chapter 2, you explored the meta-outcomes related to a goal you chose.
So how do you learn about someone else’s meta-outcomes in a conversational way? Imagine, for example, that a neighbor tells you, “I’ve got to go down and get my car washed this afternoon.” In response, you could say, “Oh, that’s a good thing. I do that once in a while, too. How often do you get it done?”
“Oh, I get it done every week.”
“What’s important to you about that?”
“What? Are you serious? It’s important to take care of my things,” or “Well, in this neighborhood everybody’s car is shiny, and I don’t want to be the bum on the block,” or “If I don’t do it, my wife takes it to this place that costs fifty-two dollars, so I take care of it.” You’ll get some kind of reason. The more you peel the layers of the onion, the more you’ll learn about someone’s beliefs, meta-outcomes, and real motivations.
Two of my favorite questions to uncover unconscious motivations and beliefs are “What would happen if that occurred?” and “What’s important about that?” These provide me with interesting information about and insight into others. It doesn’t put people on guard. Because it just gets them thinking, these are great questions that elicit honest feedback from people.
Also, when I’m trying to learn about someone’s reasons, goals, and dreams and the goal-behind-the-goal (meta-outcomes), the big question is “If that happened, what would that do for you?” This question is like magic, so I usually ask it again, building on what they just told me, “And if that happened, what would that do for you that’s even more important?” Here’s an example of what these questions might reveal.
Imagine that someone told you, “I’ve got to finish my courses and get this degree.”
“Okay, and if you get the degree, what will that do for you?”
“Well, then I can enter my chosen field of microbiology.”
“That’s great. And if you enter your chosen field, what’s even more important about that?”
“Well, then I’ll be doing work I like and I’ll be getting paid well.”
“Great. So doing work you like and getting paid well, what does that do for you?”
“Well, then I can buy a house, get married, and have kids. Are you crazy? What do you mean what does it do for me?”
Then you can laugh it off and say, “Right, and is that the most important thing in life to you? Having a house and having kids?”
“Yes! Having a happy family and a sense of belonging is really important.”
When you’re genuinely trying to learn about somebody, they don’t get resistant or resentful. Instead people really appreciate your sincere interest. Do you know how little this happens in industrialized society? Just think about it. Unless somebody is making cocktail party chatter, people rarely ask each other questions beyond “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” Almost no one ever asks questions that sincerely dig down, do they? Your authentic interest and inquiries will be a refreshing change.
Beyond Belief:
How Language Reveals Other Personal Preferences
Belief statements are one reflection of individual preferences. A person’s language will also reveal their preferred representational system, their key meta-programs, and how they operate in relationship to time. Knowing how to notice these preferences will prepare you for modifying your own preferences in order to maximize how you communicate (which you’ll learn about in Chapter 7).
Preferred Channels: Representational System Preferences
How would you know about someone’s representational system preferences? Imagine you were talking with someone and they mentioned their vacation plans, saying, “We’re going on vacation in July. We’ve got reservations and we’re saving our money. We’re going back down to the Caribbean!”
You might say, “Oh, you’ve been there before. When you think about going back there, what are you most excited about?” and the person will tell you any number of things. Whenever they slow down, you can pick one thing to build on and say, “An
d what’s important to you about that?” or “What do you like best about that?” or “What’s the best time you ever had on vacation?” With any of these questions, you’ll be able to gather more information.
If your companion processes primarily in visual terms, they might say, “The colors of the Caribbean are so bright . . . the costumes people wear are so vibrant . . . and the water is this sparkling emerald green.” Their description provided you with snapshots, right?
If their processing is primarily auditory, someone will talk in terms of sound. You may hear, “I love waking up to the sound of the surf . . . I sleep great when I can hear the rustle of the trees in the wind . . .” or “the local music is an amazing sound; their instruments are made from steel drums, old bottles, coconuts, and driftwood!” Hear the difference in these sound bites?
Or you’ll get a kinesthetic description. “You know, I just feel wonderful when I’m down there. I love diving into the warm water and riding the waves . . . squishing the sand between my toes makes me feel like a kid again . . . I’m so relaxed my stomach has settled down . . .” or “I love the food! The spices are kind of hot, but the beer is ice cold.” Notice how these feelings and sensations shape the experience of the listener.
Again, everyone uses all three channels, but you’ll find that people favor one over another. They’ll lean toward feeling and emotional words or tune into sound words, or they’ll focus on vision words. This is information most people don’t ordinarily get. Noticing these personal preferences will give you additional insight into how the unique human you are with actually works—and how best to communicate with someone through their preference.
Preferred Patterns of Processing: Meta-Programs
In Section 1, you learned that about additional filters that we habitually act on, called meta-programs, which are patterns of processing information that we’ve adopted and automated to help us make decisions and motivate ourselves.