by Tom Hoobyar
When you quiet down and go inside, you’ll have that feeling. Then you allow it to come up, and now what you do is to invite it to travel down into your left hand. The reason for this is that you’re going to talk to this feeling or part. In this situation, you don’t have a Glenn and Susan at a conference table; you have two conflicting competing parts in your own psyche—and you need to get them separated so that you can communicate with them individually.
First, I focus all my attention on the part that wants to spend time with the family, all that love and all that yearning and all that enjoyment of the kids—very high-value stuff. Focus on that part now—gather the associated feelings and allow these to flow across your collarbone and down your left shoulder and down your arm and through your elbow and through your wrist and into your left hand, as if it were actual stuff, as if it had some substance.
As the substance gathers in your left hand, you can imagine it has some sort of a weight and that the weight actually takes form, a symbol of some sort, perhaps like an avatar, that communicates to you in that moment what that need or drive might be. So you look down at it, whatever it is.
When I did this and looked down at my hand, the symbol I saw was one of the kids’ little teddy bears with an ear half-torn. So I’ve got this little brown teddy bear in the palm of my left hand.
Look down at your left hand and then acknowledge this part. “Thanks very much for coming. I’m glad you’re here.” This helps make the subconscious process more real.
Now you go back inside and you think about that other drive that was also very important—the one that said, “I want to excel in my career and that means I need to put in extra hours to develop the skills so I can really become all that I can become. I want to become better at this so I need to spend extra time either with a senior mentor in the field, studying, or just trying out more things.”
So, for you, where’s this second “drive” in your body? As you feel it, allow that to move in the opposite direction. You allow that to move up through your right shoulder and down your arm and past your elbow and through your wrist and let it gather into the upturned palm of your right hand.
As it collects, and as it gathers weight, you take a look at that and you see something there. I don’t know what it would be for you. What I saw was a briefcase, containing a laptop computer, that was folded up and ready to go.
So, now we’ve got these two separate objects that remind us of these two different motivations—one in each hand. Now we have them metaphorically and symbolically across the conference table from each other, about where I walked into the room with Susan and Glenn.
Now I can turn to the little teddy bear in my left hand and I can say, “If I can spend as much time with my family as you’d like and be with the kids, what would that do for me?” and it says, “Well, you’d develop much stronger bonds in your family. Your kids would grow up to be better kids. They’d be better behaved, more self-assured, and more independent. They’ll look to you for advice and guidance instead of people they meet at school. Your wife will be happy. And you’ll be satisfied with yourself as a man and a father.”
So, after you hear what the symbol in your left hand has to say, acknowledge that. “Okay, thank you very much—that all sounds good to me.” Then I’m ready to go to the other side—which for me is represented by the briefcase containing the laptop—and I say, “And if I could spend more time at work developing my career, what will that do for me?”
That side says, “You’ll have more money. You’ll have more recognition. You’ll advance further in your career, and eventually you’ll have more control over your time so you can take more vacations with your family or do whatever you want to do.” Then I say, “Okay, thanks for sharing that—that sounds pretty good, too.”
Next, we’ll ask the same thing I asked Glenn and Susan. This time, I say to the teddy bear, “Can you understand the benefit to the family of my getting more recognition, more advancement, more money, and more control over my time and my career by investing some time to develop it?” and it says, “Sure.”
Then I say to the briefcase, “Can you see the benefit to me as a human being if I have this enrichment of spending time with my kids and being the guy that I should be, and allowing my wife and I to be there for them so we’ve formed the bonds that will serve us as they grow into the teenage years?”
The briefcase guy says, “Sure. I think about the future all the time.”
In the work situation, I left Susan and Glenn alone in that room to allow them to work through the process on their own. Here what we would do is to allow these two objects in our hands to slowly come together. Because they now approve of each other, they understand each other, we just allow them to come together. And as they come together slowly, our hands meet and make a cup that contains these two different representations, in this example the teddy bear and the briefcase. What happens then? They blend, they mix, and they swirl.
As they do and we open our hands, there’s a third object there. I don’t know what that would be for you, but there’s a third object there. When I look down, I see a tent at a campsite. That seems a little weird. So I say, “This is something new. You guys have blended. What did you come up with?”
What the tent at the campsite says is “Invest time now while the kids are asleep—you’re still young, you can do with less sleep—and invest some evening hours now, but not when they’re awake. You have to run a little harder right now to spend time and be available to your kids so you’re not skipping their important events or the couple of hours before bedtime. You’re working with them and then you’re spending time on your own a little later in the evening to get ahead, so that as they get older you’ll have this money and advancement and power, and you’ll be able to take family vacations with them and be part of their lives.”
I think, “That’s really beautiful!” Listen to what your new blended part has to say, then bring those cupped hands up and hold them against the center of your chest—and allow that new object to be breathed back into your chest—then allow that to flow through your whole body.
That’s an integration. It’s not a resolution or a forced compromise. An integration means we move the conflict up one level and we find out what’s important about each of those things. We don’t want to lose anything. In NLP, we try not to remove or lose anything—we simply shift and add things.
What happens when you’re stuck inside and you want to resolve it? You need to do the same thing that I did with Glenn and Susan in my office. It’s just you—so you need to find a way to separate those two parts of yourself into the two parts that have been competing. Then allow them to look at each other from a slight distance so they can appreciate what each part is trying to accomplish on behalf of you, the you that owns them both and gave energy to them both. In this step, you can easily reach agreement when you focus on the what, not the how.
Then, as they blend, it’s like what happened by the time I came back in the conference room with Glenn and Susan and we had sandwiches together. By then they had blended and they were able to tell me all the brilliant new ideas they had about offering the special accelerated delivery program at a price that would not destroy the company process. Because they were both sincerely endorsing these recommendations, I could tell they had really blended.
Discovery Activity:
Applying the “Conflict Integration Process” to One of Your Opportunities
Perhaps as you were reading this, you were reminded of an issue you are or have been wrestling with. Because this is a delicate and deep process, do this in a private space where you won’t be interrupted. Ready?
Think of an unresolved issue that’s important to you. Really step into the experience of being conflicted, so you can see what you’re seeing, hear what you’re hearing, and feel what you’re feeling.
As the conflict presents itself to you, separate the different parts that have been competing.
Identify where one of the
parts or feelings is in your body and invite it to flow through your body so it can come out and present itself in your hand. When it does, thank it for being present. If that part were an image, what would it look like?
Now notice where the other part or feeling is in your body and ask it to flow through your body so it can come out and present itself in your other hand. When it appears, thank it for being present. If this part were an image, what would it be?
Turn to the part that’s in your left hand and invite it to tell you what it wants. When it does, say, “Thank you for telling me that.”
Next, look at the part that’s in your right hand and invite it to tell you what it wants. When it does, say, “Thank you for telling me that.”
Next, ask one of the parts, “What would having what you want do that’s even more important?”
Then ask the other part the same question.
Now allow the parts to look at each other from a slight distance—so they can each appreciate what the other is trying to accomplish on your behalf. (If you’ve learned each one’s meta-outcome, it should be easy to reach agreement that they both want what the other part is trying to accomplish.) Thank both parts for being willing to see the other’s intention.
Then, breathing deeply, slowly bring your hands together so the parts literally come together, too. Allow the parts to mix and blend.
Open your hands and notice the new image that results from this merger. Thank this new part for being there and being willing to operate on your behalf.
Then slowly bring the new image in your hands up to the center of your chest and allow the image to enter your body and become fully integrated.
Take a deep breath and notice how different you feel.
For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco .com/8-7.
In NLP, we recognize that you don’t try to solve the problem at the level of the argument—because you’re not going to get anywhere. Classic “Conflict Integration” requires that you bump things up a notch—and maybe a notch after that—until you get to meta-outcomes that are easy to agree on. You can do this within yourself—or you can help another person, who has a conflict they’re wrestling with on their own.
The Importance of Meta-Outcomes in “Conflict Integration”
In the past, when companies hired me to help them deal with a conflict, they often wanted me to “mediate it” as if I were some sort of judge. And I’d tell them, “Look, I’m not a judge. I don’t know your business. Let’s do this. Let’s explore each side without arguing for your positions on the issue. I’m sure those have already been well expressed—so forget that. Just tell me, if you won, what would winning accomplish.” Then, managing the discussion to keep the focus away from complaints and positions, the participants would come up with a list of compelling outcomes.
Sometimes, to reach a meta-outcome that everyone could agree on, I’d need to kick it up a notch and say, “Okay, and if you were able to accomplish that, what about that would be of even greater benefit to the company—or what would having that do for the company that’s even more important?” Then I’d go over to the other side and say the same thing. Even when there are more than two sides, this strategy works like magic.
How to Increase Communication During “Conflict Integration”
Suppose you find yourself in a situation where people have been at odds for so long that the “fight” has become personal. They seem to hate each other and have damaged each other in different ways. What are you going to do then?
The key is to loosen up the old stuff. One of these things I actually did with Susan at a different time, much earlier in their relationship, because she and Glenn were frequently in conflict. One day when they were really going at it hammer and tongs, I said to her, “I’m just curious, Susan. I’d like you to answer this question. I want you to do some mind reading. If I were to ask Glenn what frustrates him most about working with you, what do you think he’d say?”
She paused and said she didn’t want to do it—and I said, “Come on, just throw it out there. I don’t think you’re in any doubt.”
She laughed and then she said, “Well, he’d say that I’m disorganized and I’m demanding—that I’m a prima donna. He’d probably say I want it all my way and I have no discipline and I have no respect for him.”
I said, “Okay, if that’s true, what would that make him want to do?”
And she kind of smiled, and by this time he’s smiling a little bit because he realizes she gets him, and she says, “Well, he’d probably become a bit mulish and maybe a little unreasonable.”
To which he said, “Hey, I’m not unreasonable.” And now they’re at least talking.
Then I turned to him and asked him the same question. “If I were to ask Susan what frustrates her most about working with you, what would she say?” and he started giving me a joking answer, but I held his feet to the fire and said, “Come on, play fair. Do it right. You know the truth. We all know the truth—so get it out there.”
So then he played it sincerely and told me what he thought she would say about him, that he’s autocratic and dictatorial and rigid, doesn’t care much about reality, and just cares about his figures. I said, “What would that make her do?” and he said, “Well, she’s a very strong-willed woman and she’s really dedicated, so she’d just go around me.” Then he laughed and said, “Wow, that’s what she does.”
At this point, because they each understand that they each appreciate the other person, tension has started to release and things are lightening up. When you’re in a conflict situation—if people aren’t emotionally ready to deal with the issue, if they’re so at war that now they really need to get blood on the carpet—the best thing for you to do is to take a moment and dial things down.
By asking each person or team to tell what the other person’s or team’s complaint would be about them, you get some real loosening up in the dialogue, and then you can get back to the issue.
To quickly summarize, the principles of this process are that you separate the people from the issues. Because we are emotional beings, it often feels like a personal threat when we have a difference. It doesn’t really matter what the difference is. If it’s “Oh, you forgot to dot that i,” that’s a personal threat. Any criticism can be really risky territory—not only to give, but also to receive—because we’re so wired to protect ourselves.
If you want to succeed in this business of communication, you have to set yourself aside except as a mirror and receptor. You set your own fears aside because you realize they’re as automated as anybody else’s. What we’re trying to do here is to work at a higher level—with ourselves and with others.
Discovery Activity:
Examining Ways You Get Stuck or Make Things Harder
Because the only variable we can control in any situation is ourselves, let’s take the opportunity to examine our own behavior. For a moment, go back to the conflict you explored earlier in this chapter in the activity called Identifying One of Your Conflicts.
Now, rewind to the beginning of the conflict and do a little mind reading.
Say to yourself, “If I were to ask them what’s most challenging about interacting with me, what would they say?”
What came up?
Say to yourself, “Okay, if that’s true—and if I were them, what would that make me want to do?”
Notice what came up—and what you learned from standing in their shoes. How does this new awareness shift your feelings and what’s possible?
Different Strategies? What “Conflict Integration”
and Negotiation Have in Common
As you can see, differences of opinion and heated feelings are natural. So conflict resolution and negotiation have been hot topics for as long as I can recall. Despite being an avid learner who’s been in business for decades, I’ve probably lost more than I’ve won in negotiations. Even so, I’ve always kept trying to learn—asking myself, “What was this? What happened h
ere? Was there any part of the process that made any sense at all? Are the good parts replicable? And what can I do differently next time to avoid the not-so-good parts?”
An Overview: Negotiation
So, let’s talk about negotiation strategies because there are a lot of them out there. For many years now, the win-win principle has been the basis of effective negotiation. Shortly after I was introduced to this concept, I had to negotiate a sales deal with SmithKline Beecham. Although they’re now affiliated with Glaxo, at the time they were a big player all on their own. I was meeting with their head purchasing officer and he said, “This will be like the Harvard negotiation project,” and I thought, “Oh great, win-win.” It wasn’t win-win. It just meant he’d try to be humane and I should try not to be ornery.
So here’s what I know. In any negotiation, you’re going to end up somewhere in between what you want and what the other person wants. Whether or not both parties are happy with that end result doesn’t really have to do with whether they got everything they came for.
Interesting, isn’t it? If it’s a business negotiation, there are at least four parties at the table—no matter how many players are physically present. Here are the parties. First, there are the interests of the entities, the two companies. In this case, there was my company and there was the big pharmaceutical company—and there were the purchasing guy and I. His company wanted more for less money; mine wanted more money for less service. We were at complete odds. Where could we meet in between?
Negotiation is not “Conflict Integration.” A negotiation is a game and you need to appreciate that it’s a game. Of course, to win a game, you have to understand the game and have skills. Although the desired outcome is different, many of the principles of “Conflict Integration”—in addition to NLP skills like anchoring, body language, mirroring of predicates and meta-programs, etc.—are quite useful in negotiation, too.