She was on edge. She had to be honest with them. It was the right thing to do. There was no other way to deal with this, other than the truth and it had to be soon.
‘I think we made a deal about breakfast?’ said Alex, yawning again. ‘Might be able to cook outside this morning. Sounds like the weather’s moved on.’
‘Last full day,’ said Jacob, stretching forward and unzipping the tent as Alex shifted forward.
Beautiful sunshine shone through the gap and the fresh dew on the grass felt refreshing as the damp air drifted in through the opening.
Alex stepped out onto the grass and Rose watched him stretch, his muscles rippling and extending. She turned to look at Jacob and found him smiling at her, he peeked outside and then leant in for a cheeky kiss but Rose pulled away, shaking her head.
Jacob frowned and she could see he was hurt too, and her heart cracked a little more. Any more of this and it would break in two.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Jacob quietly.
‘What are you two whispering about?’ said Alex, reappearing at the entrance, frowning.
Rose looked from one to the other, so many thoughts running through her head, and then she said, ‘I can’t do this.’
She got up and pushed her way out of the tent, tears streaming down her face and started to walk away.
Jacob came out of the tent after her and Alex stood up, confused and concerned.
‘Rose, what's wrong?’ said Jacob.
‘Where are you going?’ said Alex.
She turned around, vulnerable and tearful, wearing just her knickers and her loose white top, her thighs bruised from the climbing, her arm bruised from Alex. Her eyes streaming with tears.
‘I love you both,’ she said.
The two men looked at each other, and then back at her.
‘There, I said it. I’ve been wanting to say it for ten fucking years,’ she said, through heaving sobs. ‘I love you both.’
Then she turned around and walked away.
*
‘Rose, come back,’ said Jacob, calling after her and chasing her down the slope. He had shoes on and she didn’t, so he was gaining on her quickly.
Rose’s feet were in pain. She had already cut her sole twice and was bleeding freely as snot was dripping down her face. She didn’t know where she was going. There was no plan, she just knew she had to get away from them, not for her sake but for theirs.
‘Just leave me alone,’ she shouted back at him. ‘I don’t need you to fucking rescue me.’
‘Stop,’ he shouted. ‘You’re going to hurt yourself.’
As he spoke she slipped, but managed to stay upright, still moving, but Jacob was going to catch up with her.
‘Where are you going?’ he said, as she felt his hand on her shoulder. She shrugged him off but lost her balance and he caught her as she fell.
‘Stop touching me,’ she shouted. ‘Fucking hell, Jacob you’ve always got to be the fucking hero don’t you? Always trying to fix me or save me, or keep me safe.’
‘What are you talking about?’ he said, helping her to stand up.
Alex was coming down the hill now too.
‘What the fuck is going on?’ he said as he approached, sliding down the shale toward them.
‘Last night,’ said Rose.
Both of the men’s expressions froze.
‘You both know what I’m talking about,’ said Rose, still crying.
There was a long silence. Rose didn’t have to say anything more.
Jacob frowned. ‘Both of us?’ he said and turned to look at Alex. The two men stared at each other, open mouthed and then turned back to Rose.
‘Are you fucking kidding me? Him too?’ said Alex.
Rose nodded.
Jacob took a step back, frowning.
‘I love you both,’ said Rose, her shoulders sagged. Now the truth was out there, all of her energy seemed to fade away.
She sat down on the floor and sobbed.
‘What the fuck, Rose?’ said Alex. ’So you finished me off and then rolled over and jacked him too? Or was it the other way round? Which one of us got sloppy seconds, eh?’
‘Does it matter?’ said Jacob.
‘Yes it fucking matters,’ said Alex and he pushed Jacob away. His friend stumbled backwards and tripped on a rock, landing hard on the ground beyond.
Within a second he was up, and running towards Alex.
Rose screamed as they collided, a cloud of dust rising from where the pair of them fell.
Alex’s fist found its way into Jacob’s stomach and then Jacob kneed Alex in the thigh, each man an equal match for the other, both trying to land blows.
‘You fucking prick,’ shouted Alex, swinging his elbow toward Jacob’s chin. ‘Get the fuck off me.’ He connected and Jacob grunted and rolled onto the grass of the hillside and kept on going to create some distance before he got back up.
Rose ran between the two of them and screamed again, holding up her hands.
‘Stop,’ she shouted. ‘Stop fighting. This isn’t your fault.’
Alex was still moving towards Jacob, his eyes filled with rage. Jacob was looking at Rose though.
‘Listen to her, Alex. This is pointless.’
‘Feel’s fucking good though,’ he snarled, still stalking forward.
Rose stepped into his path and grabbed both of his arms and he stopped.
‘I love you,’ she said, catching his eyes. ‘I always have.’
‘What about him then?’ he pointed.
‘I love him too. It’s why I left, because I was afraid that neither of you would ever love me back.’
‘You can't love us both,’ said Alex. ‘That's bullshit.’
‘I do,’ said Rose, doing her best to calm him down. ‘In different ways and you know I do.’
Alex turned his attention on Jacob again.
‘Did it feel good after all these years, mate?’ he said, still belligerent. ‘Finally getting your end away?’
‘Stop, please,’ said Rose. ‘I never wanted this.’
‘Not sure what you were expecting,’ said Alex.
Jacob was looking from her to Alex and then back to her, his face a mixture of anger and resignation, but then all of a sudden, he turned around and walked away, trudging back up the hill towards the camp.
Alex’s shoulder’s relaxed and he took a few steps back and sat down on a nearby rock.
After a moment he started to laugh.
Rose just stared at him.
About halfway up the hill, Jacob turned around and stood still.
‘You two coming?’ he said, rubbing his chin where Alex’s elbow had caught him.
Alex was still laughing, but he stood up and whilst shaking his head he started up towards the camp following Jacob.
‘Come on, Rose,’ said Alex. ‘Time to get dressed.’
Rose stood still for a while longer, watching the two of them walking away back up the hill.
She didn't understand what had just happened, but she was cold and had started to shiver. She nodded, then wiped her eyes and followed.
At the camp, Jacob was boiling some water and had set out three mugs filled with instant coffee.
Alex walked over and sat down on the log opposite and looked out across the landscape, letting out a long sigh.
As Rose limped back into the camp, she walked past them both to their shared tent.
She'd never even erected her own last night and now she dearly wished she had. Right now she wanted her own space, somewhere she could hide and not have to face them.
Instead she was looking for her jumper in the same spot that everything had happened in last night. She couldn't find it, so instead she put on Alex’s.
It was poetic and she hated it.
A few minutes later she returned and sat down opposite them. Jacob nodded to the cup of steaming coffee on the floor in front of her. She picked it up and held it between the palms of her hand.
‘Thank you,’ she said, q
uietly.
For some time they all sat in silence. Alex’s anger gradually subsiding, Rose’s tears drying up and Jacob’s rational side returning. The fight had changed something, but she wasn’t sure what yet.
She realised after a while that they were waiting for her to speak.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
Alex nodded and Jacob sipped at his coffee, half looking at her, half trying to avoid her eye.
‘I love you too,’ he said suddenly. Alex didn’t even look up. ‘I always have. Ever since we met back at the start of school, I’ve loved you. I think Alex does too.’ He looked out over the mountains behind her.
‘At first it was a sort of innocent excitement over being friends with a girl I think. You were this fun, rough, bundle of energy that just wanted to run around, kick a football, climb a tree. I thought you were cool. After a while though, I started to realise that I missed you when you weren’t around. I’d miss Alex, of course. He was my mate, but when you weren’t there, I wanted you to be.’
Rose blushed. She hadn’t been expecting this, and it was nice to hear, but as he continued, she wondered if she was going to like where he was going.
‘For a long time I thought you liked Alex, and it broke my heart. He was cooler and tougher, and I just figured you were more into that. You found him funnier than me too, I think.’
Alex laughed. ‘That’s cos I am, mate.’
Jacob smiled and continued.
‘But it didn’t change how I felt about you, it just made it more painful.’
Rose listened carefully, she knew she shouldn't speak.
‘When you left, my heart broke again but some small part of me knew it was for the best. You grew more distant, and I let it happen. I didn’t try, because as far as I knew, you didn’t love me. I didn’t want to love someone who didn’t love me back. I didn’t have much choice though, that’s the thing about falling in love. Time is a great healer, but my love for you left a scar on me.’
Alex chuckled. ‘Starting to get a little pretentious, mate.’
Jacob nodded and smiled. ‘It did though,’ he continued. ‘And the moment that Alex suggested we see if you were up for this trip, all those feelings came flooding back and clouded my judgement.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Rose. ‘I should never have come.’
‘No, I’m glad you did.’
Alex was nodding.
‘I’m telling you this now, because I think we’ve all been dishonest, and it’s got us nowhere.’
Rose nodded too and looked down at the ground, wiping her nose with her sleeve. Her elbows resting on her knees.
‘I still love you, Rose. I always will,’ said Jacob. ‘And I don’t want this to be the end of our friendship. Any of us.’
Rose looked up again, hopeful.
‘But I don’t know, it’s not that simple,’ he said and looked away from her.
Alex sighed deeply.
‘Fuck it, Jacob already said it, but he’s right. I’ve always loved you. I think it took me longer than Mr Poetic here to figure it out, but he’s not wrong. Ever since day one.’
He shook his head and started drawing a circle in the dirt with his finger.
‘Ironically, I used to think you liked him more than me too, he was smarter, quicker, more chilled, less angry. I was macho man, and he was settle down with three kids daddy material. It hurt like fuck. I’ve not got the same way with words that my man Jacob here has, but I love you too. There’s no one else like you that I’ve ever met that makes me feel the way you do.’
Rose smiled at him through her tears, wiping them away with her now sodden sleeve.
‘I don’t know what the fuck we’re supposed to do now, though?’ said Alex, laughing.
Rose laughed too, but Jacob didn’t. He just smiled and looked at the floor.
Rose wiped her nose again and took a deep breath.
‘I’m sorry. I know I keep saying it, but I am,’ she said, her voice wobbling. ‘I’ve been selfish and stupid and last night I got carried away. I just wanted you both so much. I always have done, like you’ve both said, since day one. But it’s not that simple.’
Alex sat upright, listening to her as she continued.
‘Do you remember sixth form prom night?’
Jacob smiled and nodded.
‘We all went together,’ she said. ‘I thought at the time, it was because you two were too afraid to ask anyone else. I didn’t really get it, you were both gorgeous and smart and likeable, but you wanted to go with me. That night we all danced together and ate together and sang together, and it was perfect. That was the night I realised, and I mean really understood, that I wanted to be with both of you. I didn't want to be made to pick one, or not have either of you. I wanted you both. I wanted you both to kiss me, to hold me.’
She paused and looked down.
’To make love to me.’
Alex grinned and raised his eyebrows.
‘But it was also the night I realised that could never happen. I saw all these other girls at the after party, pairing off with boys and finding quiet corners to snog and whatever else they were doing, and there was the three of us, awkwardly dancing by that stage, a little unsure of what to do, so we left and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the bar on the way out and sat in a field drinking until the sun came up.’
‘Jacob threw up in Mrs Soubry’s strawberry bushes,’ laughed Alex.
Rose smiled and continued.
‘When I got home that morning, I cried for two hours straight. Mum was about ready to call the police, she thought someone had raped me. I ended up telling her that a boy I liked had kissed a girl I hated and she left me alone for a bit.’
Jacob frowned and smiled at her, sympathetically as she went on.
‘That was the night I decided I had to leave, to move away as far as I could. I couldn’t take it any longer, not being able to have you both the way I wanted you. The choice became friendship or nothing, and I had to choose nothing to stop myself going crazy.’
Alex smiled kindly at her.
‘Coming here, seeing you both again. It stirred up feelings I haven’t had for two years. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t thought about you both, a lot. Last night was the culmination of that. I couldn’t help it, I’ve wanted you both for years and last night I had the chance and I took it and I’m sorry. I’m not even sure if it’s what either of you wanted, or if you wanted more. But it happened, and I fucked up and I can’t take it back and it was amazing.’
Tears brimmed in eyes again. ’I love you both and I’ve fucked this up so bad.’
Jacob stood up and walked over to her, then sat down and put his arm around her.
A few moments later, Alex stood up and did the same, sitting down beside her and comforting her as she cried.
As she felt both men holding her, she began to sob hard, her whole body wracked with guilt and sorrow and sadness and grief.
For a brief moment, she had got what she wanted.
She had loved them both and she had lost them.
*
Rose had got changed inside their shared tent. For a while she had sat still, staring at the canvas floor and thinking about last night.
She had ruined everything.
But then Jacob and Alex had comforted her, put their arms around her and held her as she’d cried. She didn't deserve them, and they didn't deserve her. She would drive a wedge between them and she couldn't bear the thought of them losing each other. It might already be too late.
This was something that she had to fix.
She pulled on her boots, laced them up and backed up out of her tent.
Turning around she saw that both of the men were repacking their bags.
Alex looked at her, and flashed a brief but kind smile.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘You almost ready?’
Rose frowned. ‘No, we’ve got to take the tent down still.’
‘Leave it,’ he said. ‘We’ve got a new plan.’
Rose was utterly confused and remained still, a questioning look on her face trying to work out what was going on. An hour ago the two men were tussling in the dust, and Jacob’s chin was already showing the first sign of a bruise.
Now they were smiling at her, and they had come up with some sort of new plan for the day.
‘Don’t just stand their gawping, we’re not man-meat. Pack light, you won't need much, just a towel and maybe a change of clothes,’ said Alex.
‘What are we doing?’ she said.
‘Guess,’ said Jacob.
A few minutes later, after repacking her bag, she was ready to go, she didn't have a towel but she’d stuffed a thick fleece into the top of her rucksack and left a bunch of extra bits and bobs on the canvas floor. She didn't really know what to leave without knowing exactly what the men were planning, but she had a good idea.
When she came out of the tent, the two of them were sat on a rock together laughing and waiting for her. As though nothing had happened at all.
She walked over, utterly confused and a little nervous.
‘What are we doing?’ she said.
‘That would ruin the surprise,’ said Jacob.
‘Come on, Prim,’ said Alex jumping down. ‘Follow us.’
Jacob joined him and the two set off together in front of her. As she walked behind them, they talked animatedly to one another and Rose couldn't help but feel a little hurt that one of them wasn't behind her, keeping her safe. She suddenly felt vulnerable, but if this was to be her punishment for last night then there were worse things. She certainly deserved worse, she thought.
Or maybe that was the plan?
She stopped walking.
‘I want to go home,’ said Rose, but saying it out loud made the idea seem utterly foolish. What was home to her? She didn't have a home, as such. The closest thing was back with her parents.
The two men slowed down and turned around.
‘You’re free to,’ said Alex. ‘You've got a map.’
Rose stood, feeling silly.
Sharing Rose Page 9