Always

by Iris Johansen

  Clancy could feel the weariness dragging at him, and he steeled himself against it. He was almost as emotionally exhausted as Lisa, but he couldn’t give in to it. Tonight he had stripped away the protective barrier against pain that she had built so carefully. By the time she awoke he had to be ready to give her something to replace it. He settled her slender body more closely against his own with instinctive protectiveness and tried to concentrate his thoughts on what that elusive something would be.

  It was still dark when Lisa awoke, and she was immediately conscious that Clancy was no longer beside her. It didn’t alarm her. He had promised he would stay with her, and he wouldn’t leave her. She didn’t even question that instinctive and complete trust. It was just there. She sat up and brushed a tendril of hair away from her face. “Clancy?”

  He was standing by the French doors. She could see the glimmer of his white shirt in the darkness. Then she saw the glimmer move and knew that he had turned to face her. “I’m right here. Everything’s fine.”

  She knew that; she was experiencing a sense of peace and serenity she hadn’t known for a long time. “Didn’t you sleep at all?”

  He came toward her. “I wasn’t tired. Besides, I had some thinking to do. How do you feel?”

  “Good,” she said softly. “And very grateful. What time is it?”

  “A little after three in the morning. Would you like to go back to sleep, or do you think you could eat something? You haven’t had anything since breakfast yesterday.”

  “You and Galbraith are certainly concerned about my eating habits,” she commented. “Perhaps I should furnish you with a few statistics documenting that thin is healthy.” She shrugged. “I suppose I could eat something. I’m certainly too wide awake to go back to sleep.” She threw aside the sheet. “But first I want to shower. I feel terribly slept in.”

  “All right.” He flipped on the lamp by the bedside table. “I’ll make an omelet for you while you shower.”

  “Fine.” She hopped out of bed and crossed to the bureau. Pulling out underthings, slacks, and a loose green tunic blouse, she headed for the bathroom. “I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.”

  But when she came out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later, Clancy was still in the bedroom. He had flung the French doors wide and stood in the doorway looking out into the courtyard.

  “Clancy?” She walked slowly toward him. “Is there something wrong?”

  “No.” He turned and gave her a reassuring smile. “I just thought we’d talk first. Is that all right with you?”

  “Yes, of course.” There was something about Clancy’s demeanor that made her uneasy. “What is it?”

  “I’ve been doing some thinking tonight.” He took her hand and drew her out into the courtyard, where the heavy scent of honeysuckle and hibiscus drifted on the soft tropic air. “I’ve gone over everything time after time, but I can’t come up with any other solution. I want you to know I’m not thinking of myself, though it will give me something I want, too. I honestly believe this is what you need.”

  “Clancy, I don’t know what on earth you’re talking about,” she said. The lamplight from the bedroom was streaming through the open French doors, and she could see that Clancy’s features were set and a bit grim. She laughed a little shakily. “For a man who’s usually so blunt, you’re certainly beating around the bush, Clancy.”

  “That’s because I’m scared as hell.” His hands cupped her shoulders and he pushed her down on the rim of the mosaic fountain. “I don’t know how you’re going to take this.”

  “Take what?”

  He drew a deep breath. “Do you believe I love you?”

  A shock ran through her, and she hesitated. “I believe you think you do,” she said slowly.

  “Do you trust me?”

  She didn’t have to think about that. “Yes.”

  Suddenly he was on his knees beside her, gathering her hands in his. “You should trust me. I’d never do anything to hurt you. Do you remember what I told you about the way I sublimate the pain of loss?”

  “Yes,” she said, and her hands tightened on his. “I remember.”

  “But you don’t have anyone to turn to and channel that pain, Lisa. You don’t have anyone you really love.”

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “That you need someone.” He glanced up, his expression gravely intent. “I’m saying that I’d like very much to give you a child.”

  She inhaled sharply. “A child!”

  “I’m not suggesting that Tommy could ever be replaced. Every human being is unique and irreplaceable, and what you feel for Tommy is beautiful and special. But you still need someone else to love.” He smiled a little crookedly. “I’m selfish enough to wish it could be me, but that’s not in the cards. At least not yet. But the need still exists, and I know you’d love your own child.” He brought her palm to his lips and kissed it. “Please. Let me give you that child.”

  “Clancy …” Her thoughts were a wild, whirling jumble of fragments.

  “I’m not asking any commitment from you. You don’t even have to marry me, if you don’t want to. The child will be completely yours. I’ll sign papers swearing to that.” He was silent for a moment before adding haltingly, “I would like you to stay with me until the child is born, if you can see your way clear to do it.” His lips twisted in a self-mocking grimace. “You know what a protective bastard I am. I’d worry about both of you, if you weren’t right under my nose.”

  “It’s crazy,” she declared softly. She felt an odd, glowing warmth deep within her that had something to do with the way Clancy was looking at her with that touching little-boy earnestness. Just as Tommy had looked at her when he’d done something wrong and wasn’t sure how she’d react. She stiffened with surprise when she realized how naturally the thought had come. Not with that familiar jolt of pain, but gently, as if Tommy were still with her. Perhaps now that Clancy had freed her from that icy trauma, Tommy would always be with her.

  “Not so crazy,” Clancy said, playing absently with her fingers. “You want me, so that should make the sex part tolerable.”

  Lisa almost burst into an hysterical giggle at that. Considering the sexual tension that had existed between them in the last few days, the word “tolerable” was scarcely appropriate.

  As Clancy continued to enumerate the advantages one by one, like a solemn-faced child reciting a lesson, she was once more reminded of Tommy. No pain again. It was becoming easier all the time. “I’m rich enough to provide for you comfortably,” he continued, “and naturally I’d support you handsomely. You wouldn’t want for anything, Lisa, after the baby was born. I realize you will continue your career and would need to arrange for reliable domestic help.” Suddenly he frowned. “If you go on tour, I’d like you to send the child to Sedikhan while you’re gone. I don’t like the idea of the baby being without one of us for long periods of time.”

  “You’ve thought all this out very thoroughly,” she said quietly.

  “It was a long night, and I knew you’d need a solution to the new questions I’d raised. It was my job to give it to you.”

  So he had given her his solution. Generously, selflessly, with the open-handed simplicity she had come to associate with him. “Clancy, where the hell is your sense of self-preservation?” she asked. “What are you getting out of all of this?”

  “Quite a bit.” He smiled. “At least nine months of you in my bed and in my life. A child that I can love, even though he won’t be completely mine. I can live with that. Before you came into my life, I didn’t think I’d ever have a child at all.”

  She felt tears brimming behind her eyes as she remembered the sweetness and wonder she had known with Tommy. Clancy should experience what she had; he would make a wonderful father—gentle, protective, wise. He shouldn’t be cheated out of that joy. “I couldn’t do that to you.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t you see? It would be a gift like the one you gave me when you
told me about Tommy. There would be no guilt on either side.” He kissed her palm again. “Fair exchange, Lisa.”

  “Not fair at all. I’d be taking. You’d be giving,” she said. “I’d have to be even more selfish than I was in my ivory tower days to take you up on a proposition like that.”

  “You’re wrong.” His hands tightened on hers. “So wrong. Believe me, there’s no way I’d feel like a martyr if you accepted this proposal. I’d feel lucky as hell.”

  “Then you’re an idiot!” Her voice broke and she had to wait a moment before she could speak again. “Clancy, I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now.”

  “All right.” He gave her hands an affectionate squeeze before releasing them and rising to his feet. “We’ll drop it for the moment, but there’s one question I’d like to ask first. Would you like to have a child?”

  Would she? When Clancy had first said he wanted to give her a child, she had experienced shock and then sheer heady joy. She’d realized after Tommy was born that she was a woman with a strong maternal drive and needed a child to complete her. Motherhood had brought joy and warmth and love. But it also had brought shock and an unbelievable pain. Could she risk that pain again? “I don’t know.” Her hand moved in a gesture of helplessness. “I’m so confused. There are so many things …”

  Clancy nodded his head. “I know that. It’s a decision that no one can make but you.” He turned away. “Think about it. I believe it’s the answer for both of us. Let me know when you’ve made up your mind.” He glanced back over his shoulder. “I suppose you don’t want that omelet now?”

  Food? She shook her head. “You’ve given me too much to digest as it is.”

  He smiled. “If I’m going to fatten you up, I’d better schedule discussions like this after you’ve eaten.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” she said dryly. “A fattening-up would definitely be the result if I yielded to your persuasion on the topic of this particular discussion.”

  He chuckled. “You’re right.” His expression grew serious. “I’d love to see you pregnant with my child. There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman with that particular bloom on her.”

  His eyes were so intent that she felt suddenly breathless. “You certainly have weird ideas on female allure. As I remember, the only bloom I noticed when I was carrying Tommy was in my stomach. I looked like I’d swallowed a watermelon.”

  “I’d like to see you like that,” he said softly. “Think about it.” He turned and walked into the house.

  How could she help but think about it when her head and emotions were whirling like a top? Did she want another child? Was it fair to take from Clancy, even though he said it was what he wanted? If she had a child, would she be able to take it and walk away from Clancy? Every instinct rebelled against that last thought. She couldn’t hurt anyone like that. Particularly not Clancy, who was kind and honest and loving. She couldn’t walk away from Clancy at all.

  She stiffened as that last thought emerged haphazardly from the tempest in her mind. Then it solidified into a conviction of unshakable certainty. She didn’t want to leave Clancy Donahue, no matter what the circumstances. She wanted to live with him and bear his children and have him smile down on her with that rare warmth until the day she died. Love. She loved Clancy. It shocked her as deeply as his proposition had earlier. Why hadn’t she realized she’d been tottering on the brink in the past days? Oh, Lord, now she was more confused than ever.

  Lisa stayed in the courtyard for hours, staring into the darkness, lost in thought. It was only after the first streaks of dawn lit the sky that she began to know a sense of peace. The decision had been made. It was a decision that both frightened and elated her. There was nothing like going for broke, she thought as she stood up. Not only was she going to run the emotional risk of another pregnancy, she was about to accept the even greater challenge of being in love for the first time in her life. She was stiff from sitting on the rim of the fountain and so exhausted from strain she felt a little dizzy. She would have loved to collapse on her bed and go to sleep, but she knew she couldn’t do that. Clancy deserved an answer from her as soon as possible.

  She wanted the child. She wanted Clancy. Those two facts had become clear in the previous hours. Yet the knowledge of her love for Clancy had come so quickly that she was still uncertain. What if she told Clancy she loved him and found out later she had mistaken sex and gratitude for something deeper? She was a complete novice at this love business. What she had felt for Martin hadn’t even come close to what she was feeling now. It wasn’t fair to Clancy to make any admissions until she was absolutely sure. And what if Clancy discovered after he made love to her that sex had really been the attraction for him? Then he’d be trapped in a relationship he no longer wanted. Something she knew all about, she thought wearily. No, for both their sakes she’d best move cautiously.

  She walked across her bedroom and through the foyer to the guest room Clancy had been occupying since he’d brought her to the villa. She drew a deep breath to steady herself as she paused outside the door. Then, without knocking, she turned the knob and opened the door. The drapes were closed, retaining the darkness of night in the room. She could barely discern the outline of his long body lying beneath the sheet in the large bed across the room.

  “Clancy?”

  “I’m awake,” he said quietly.

  She swallowed hard. “I do want to have a child. I want to have your child.”

  He didn’t speak for a moment, and she wished she could see his expression. What if he’d changed his mind and had been lying here cursing his idiocy in making that offer?

  “I’m glad,” he said, his voice thick.

  He hadn’t changed his mind! She felt a wild surge of joy rush through her. “Only I don’t think the terms were fair. I think we should sign a contract stating that we’d each get custody six months of every year.”

  “Whatever you like.”

  “And I’ll support myself and the child when he’s with me.”

  “I don’t think that—” He broke off. “We’ll talk about it later. You’re very sure?”

  “Yes, I’m very sure.” Dear heaven, she loved him so much.

  “I’ll order the jet for later this morning. You’d better go to bed and get some sleep now.”

  “Jet?”

  “I’m taking you to Sedikhan. I’m taking you home, Lisa.”

  “COFFEE?” JOHN GALBRAITH stood before her holding out a Styrofoam cup, carefully balancing himself against the vibration of the plane.

  “Yes, thank you.” Lisa accepted the cup, pushing the blanket from around her shoulders to her lap. “I certainly need something to wake me up. I must have been sleeping for hours. Where’s Clancy?”

  “In the cockpit radioing instructions to Marasef.” Galbraith dropped into the seat beside her. “We should be arriving there within the hour.”

  Then she had been sleeping for almost five hours. It wasn’t really surprising. In spite of Clancy’s excellent advice, she had been unable to get to sleep immediately. Once she’d gone to bed she had found herself wide awake, her mind zinging and hyperactive. Yet as soon as they’d boarded this luxurious private jet and were airborne, she had fallen asleep as suddenly as if she’d been hit by a sledgehammer. “Do you live in Sedikhan?” she asked Galbraith as she took a sip of her coffee.

  “I live where Clancy tells me to live,” he said with a shrug. “It’s a job that requires a good bit of traveling.”

  “That’s what Clancy said.” He had also said he could cut out a good deal of that traveling, she remembered with relief. Perhaps she would be able to travel with him at least some of the time when he did have to go. “Does Clancy have an apartment in Sedikhan, too?”

  Galbraith shook his head. “He has quarters at the palace. He usually finds it more convenient to be close to Sheikh Ben Raschid.”

  Oh, dear, she had never considered where they would live. She wasn’t sure she’d like living in a royal p
alace.

  “Go up front with the pilot, John.” Clancy was standing beside them. There was an air of leashed tension about him that was nearly palpable. She’d been aware of that edginess during their preparations for departure but hadn’t thought it strange. It was a big step for both of them, and she was nervous about this trip, too.

  Galbraith got to his feet with a grin. “I have the distinct feeling that I’m not wanted. I always was quick on the uptake.” He sauntered down the aisle toward the cockpit.

  “Is something wrong?” She set the coffee cup on the table beside her.

  “Yes.” He sat down in the chair Galbraith had just vacated. “There’s something definitely wrong.”

  “What?”

  “What the devil do you think?” he asked. “Last night you told me you were going to have my child. Now to have a child it’s necessary to perform certain anatomical functions. I couldn’t think of anything but those functions after you left me this morning. Not that it was different from any other night since I’ve met you. Then we get on board the plane and you proceed to fall asleep.”

  She felt the breath catch in her throat. “You wanted to make love to me on the plane?”

  “I want to make love to you anywhere I can,” he said harshly. “I’m hurting, damn it. I’ve never wanted a woman like this before.” He distractedly ran a hand through his hair. “And now you’re going to think that all I said last night was just to get you into bed. It’s not true, but I’m … What are you doing?” His eyes were on her fingers, which had moved to the front of her blouse and were calmly unfastening the buttons.

  “You want to make love,” she said as she undid the last button. “We don’t have much time, but I’m quite willing. No one will disturb us, will they? You were sharp enough with John to guarantee he won’t come back until he’s called.”