“Victor. You’ve consistently downplayed the severity of that injury.
Some part of you knows how close to dead you were. It’s been less than a year, you’ve been working almost constantly since then, you did not take the time to process. I’m frankly amazed you’ve kept up with our sessions at all.”
“You thought after the tour I’d bail out, didn’t you.”
“One of you was admitting to rage and anxiety. The other one wasn’t.”
“I’m still shielding,” he said, on a sudden realization. “There’s this whole category of stuff I could never tell anybody. I could not open up. I could not show weakness. I’m still not used to the fact that his love is unconditional.”
Robyn didn’t let him past that one word. “Do you think it’s weakness?”
“No, I know, it’s this Latino macho bullshit. Like going to the fucking Emmys less than a week after the shooting.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite that way.” She sounded as if she might have wanted to laugh.
“Andy was so pissed. I said I wanted to go at a moment when he was so mad he went straight to, let’s show all those motherfuckers. And then I wouldn’t let him back out. We had people over that night, everyone was like were you out of your fucking mind. Walking the red carpet, you asshole.” He was laughing. It shouldn’t have been funny, then or now. He couldn’t help it.
He’d survived, they’d both survived, and showing those motherfuckers
hadn’t made anything worse. Might have made things a lot better. “I was on that painkiller high, like, clearly it was not beyond me. Don’t mess with Mexico. Whatever. I’m still glad we did it.”
“Yes, I’m aware. How are you planning to handle it when Andy goes to Miami?”
“Because I can’t be falling apart like this every time he has to live life out of my sight?” Victor sighed. “I’m going to lose him. I know it. He’s ten years older than me. This business with his father is, like, beating at me because I see Eva about to lose Ronnie and I’m already imagining that same pain.”
Robyn repeated the question. “How are you planning to handle it?”
“I am going to do my workouts, and do my relaxation shit, and talk to him every day and tell him I love him. So that no matter what happens he will know that I do.”
Chapter 6
June 2019
The end was in sight, and Andy was on the phone with Rory. “So you’re going to be out of town for ages,” she said. “I know you’ll be checking in.
Did Dana tell you she had to go back East too?”
“No,” Andy said, wondering what that was about. “Something happening?”
“Family wedding. I was invited but when we saw where and who Dana said I didn’t have to go. It was the branch of the family that starts speaking in tongues when they see my tattoos. So I wondered, since we’re both home alone, if you want to come over for dinner. Bring Molly,” she added. “I’d like to see you before you leave.”
“I’d like that too. Tonight?”
“Sure!”
“What can I bring?”
“You, your dog, and whatever you want to drink.”
Which would be everything, Andy thought, and said, “I’m trying not to become a full-blown alcoholic, so how about some Pellegrino.”
“That works,” said Rory, immediately changing her plan regarding wine.
“If we don’t drink a bottle of wine we can have chocolate mousse, right?”
Andy laughed. “Yeah. I’ll bring some of that, too.” He rolled up at Rory and Dana’s cottage at five. The front door was standing open and the pack was out in the yard. Molly jumped out of the car and went into a reunion frenzy with Precious the Malti-Pom, Oscar the dachshund, and Spike the cat.
“You act like you haven’t seen them for years,” he said, amused. He took the carton of Pellegrino and container of chocolate mousse inside. “Hey cherubim! You leave the door open like that and all kinds of misfits can wander in. Where the hell are you?”
“Up in the loft, be down in a second.” It wasn’t a second, but no more than twenty before Rory ran down the stairs. “Hey! Wow.” She studied him for a second. “You look great.”
“Don’t sound so surprised.” He hugged her. “That thing with Zach was hard work.”
“That was so completely beautiful,” Rory said. “I knew it would be, but still. Worth the pain?”
“Every bit of it. But God, I never stopped eating. I haven’t weighed this much maybe ever. Victor was like, whoa.” Rory giggled. Andy stood back and showed off a little. He’d put on fifteen pounds of muscle for the performance. “He said, will your fishnets still fit, and I said, let’s find out.”
Rory laughed. “Anyway I’m sure it’ll come off fast, there’s no way I’m keeping up with that. I’d be back to my old ways already if it weren’t for that cameo.”
“Oh, you’re going to be the big tough grizzled boat captain, right.”
“Thanks,” he said with a hateful look for the ‘grizzled’ part. “I knew you were going to give me shit about that.”
“Well, you didn’t tell me you were growing a beard,” she pointed out.
“You’re lucky the critters still knew who you were.”
“They didn’t even notice I was here. Molly was like hi guys tell me what happened! And they were all oh my God let us tell you what happened!”
Rory laughed again. “Victor doesn’t know about the beard.” Andy made an
‘eek’ face.
“Please. I’m begging you. Be ready to take a picture of his face when he sees you.” Rory looked around for her phone. “Can I send one to Dana?”
“Sure, why not.” So they did that, and they laughed at the text Dana sent back, and they did a lot more laughing (even without wine) while Rory happily delegated operation of the grill to Andy. Then she started telling him about some of the submissions that had come in for the Cabaret’s June show.
“Is anyone actually doing ‘Rodeo’?” Andy asked. “And are you doing anything?”
“I am. I am breaking out the strip and the tease again for ‘I Cain’t Say No.’ There is a lot of business with petticoats.” Rory took the tongs out of his hand so he wouldn’t drop them. When he finally stopped laughing she said, looking satisfied, “This one may be the pinnacle of my achievements in striptease. Tomás and Vicky are doing ‘Don’t Fence Me In,’ the David Byrne one. There’s a ton of great shit going in. The A-team is doing the Hoe-down from ‘Rodeo.’ Zach, Hiro, Ricky, Willem, and Mike.”
“Fuck, I wish I could see that live.”
“Mike choreographed it since Zach was busy with you. He’s also doing
‘They Call the Wind Maria’ with Paula and the Kung Fu Flyers. Oh, and Sam and Mateo? They’re doing ‘The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.’”
“Fuck! God damn this movie!” Rory laughed. Andy attended to the grill for a minute. “Last month we got things pretty well organized for our two things later this year. That was fun. Dmitri hooked us up. And Victor took a few jazz classes so we put some of that flavor in.”
“Cool. Did he like it? Well, he likes dancing with you.”
Andy gave her a sideways smile. “Yes, he liked it. We haven’t even really started talking about what we might do for our Broadway thing.”
“Plenty of time,” Rory said, watching him, knowing there was so much subtext. She took another picture while he wasn’t paying attention.
Much later, when the dishes were done and the kitchen was clean, Andy turned around to look for Molly. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Rory was leaning on the counter. Molly was on the big dog bed with Spike. The other dogs were on the small bed. All of them were snoring.
“It’s kind of a shame to wake her up.”
“She had all the fun today. So did I.”
“If we’d been drinking we’d have an excuse for me to say, crash here tonight.” She was watching him again. “Are you flying out tomorrow?”
“No, day after.”
> “Then crash here tonight.”
It wasn’t that late. The two residences weren’t very far apart. Andy was coping pretty well with being alone at home. But not so well that the offer didn’t strike exactly the right chord. “Got a spare toothbrush?”
“Okay,” Rory said after a while, in the dark. “I have known you for, what, twelve years. I can’t believe this is the first time we’ve slept together.”
Andy cracked up. “Good job not braining yourself coming up the stairs.”
“It’s a good thing we weren’t drinking,” he said. “I might not have been so alert to the clearance deficit. Thanks for this, by the way. I’ve been hanging in, but it’s tough being home alone right now.”
“I figured. I’m guessing there’s no good news.”
He sighed. “Well, since at this point what Pop wants least out of life is to die in a nursing home, then the fact he’s not likely to is good news. It’s these
little strokes, though. Not enough to kill him, just enough to scare the hell out of Mom and fuck him up that little bit more. What he wants is the massive heart attack.”
Rory slid her hand down his arm to his hand. He gripped her fingers.
“I’ve always contended that a massive heart attack is the best way to go short of an actual nuclear bomb.”
“It does seem that way. A few minutes of pain and then you’re done.
None of this godawful years of torture bullshit.” After a moment he said, “It does make me think, what else do I want to do in life. If eighty is the outer limit for being able to really do stuff, I’ve still got almost twenty-eight years to get shit done. And Victor will be only seventy. That doesn’t sound so old now.”
“Seventy is the new fifty. Look at Clint Eastwood. Richard Gere. Patrick Stewart. You’re as fit as any of those guys were at your age, and better looking than all of them.”
“You’re biased.” His tone was amused.
“Well, sure, but you are objectively good-looking and you know it.
Remember when you were living with us and I was giving you shit about, well, everything. Did you know I took pictures when we were out on shoots?” She probably wouldn’t have said that if they weren’t here in the dark alone. She was a little surprised that she said it now.
“You took huh?”
“I sneaked phone pictures. Of you. When you were shooting ‘City of Angels.’ I was in love with Dana but I totally had a crush on you.”
“Say what?” It was almost a squeak.
Rory laughed silently. “You were gorgeous, Andy. And you were so funny, and smart, and talented. You’re still all those things. It never surprised me that Victor fell so hard for you. I couldn’t believe nobody else did for all that time.”
“Well, neither could I.” Now his voice was dry. “In a city like Los Angeles, you would think the dating pool would be a little deeper.”
“You didn’t stick with anybody very long. That did surprise me. Because I knew you wanted to be with someone.”
“I wanted someone like Dana.” He knew she would understand what he meant. “I kept meeting people, but it never took long to figure out if
something was going to work. It was never enough. I was never enough.”
“Okay, what.” Rory was annoyed. “How much else could someone fucking want?”
“That’s what I thought!” He got a laugh with that. “But come on, you know what I mean. I wasn’t the right age, or I didn’t make enough money, or I wasn’t tolerant about drugs, or I didn’t want to swing. Lived in the wrong area. Drove the wrong goddamned car. Whatever. A lot of guys liked me, or at least they wanted to fuck me, but they wanted that plus a lot of other stuff.
Victor’s the first one who ever came in and said, you are everything I want.”
“Well, thank God for him.”
“I think that every day.” They were quiet for a while, getting drowsy at last. “You’d better send me those fucking pictures.” Rory snickered. She did send the pictures, the next day. Andy thought, not a bad little photographer yourself, missy, and allowed himself to appreciate his forty-year-old face. It was, objectively, good. He debated forwarding the pictures to Victor, but decided to show him in person. He did send a text: Hi catnip had a sleepover with Rory. She says hi. Can’t wait to sleepover with you. I love you, see you tomorrow
He got a reply a few hours later: Were you that shitfaced or was she being mama bear?
Mama bear. We didn’t drink AT ALL, and put away that surprised face Can’t wait to see you and show you my O face That’s my favorite face
I know it is. I love you
Love you too. Get some sleep, you’re gonna need it XOX
Andy almost wished Victor could have met him at the airport, but apparently everyone in the state knew this movie was filming and was excited about it. A security escort met him and Molly, and took them to the hotel. Then they had to wait what felt like forever before Victor was due back from the day’s filming. Andy tried to come up with some way to surprise him with the beard and finally settled for ambushing him in the bar. He had a few words with the bartender and waited for the text he knew would come when Victor got up to the room and found Molly but not Andy: Hey baby where the hell are you I was hoping to have you in bed by now
Miss me? I missed you too. I’m down in the bar You know I’ve got booze up here
Was not shocked to see that. Come on down, I have a surprise for you Be right there. Andy closed the text app, opened the photo app, handed his phone to the bartender, and got into position. Victor was looking for him as soon as he came through the door. Andy was in a dark corner, turned half away, trying very hard not to laugh. Victor didn’t spot him. He went up to the bar and said something to the bartender. Andy approached from behind him.
He pitched his voice low and silky the way Victor liked it. “You lookin’ for trouble?”
Victor turned toward the voice, already smiling. Then he stared at the face, and looked fully astonished. The bartender was taking pictures. “What the fuck.”
That was completely satisfactory. “Think it’s a good look for a boat captain?” Andy shut down his smile and narrowed his eyes a little, as though squinting into the wind. He hid his own astonishment at the unexpected but unmistakable reaction. Holy shit he’s turned on.
“It’s a good look for any fucking thing,” Victor said finally. His voice was husky.
Andy sucked in a breath. Now he was turned on, too. He turned his head toward the bartender, holding out his hand, and failed to speak. The bartender set the phone in his hand. Now he managed a “Thank you,” and did a ‘let’s go’ thing with his head. Victor didn’t say anything else, simply followed him out.
They didn’t speak until they were in the elevator. “My God you look like Sean fucking Connery,” Victor said, “with better hair,” and grabbed him.
They were still kissing when the doors opened on their floor. They stumbled down the hall, passing the security guy who hadn’t recognized Andy at first, and to the door of their room. Victor’s hand was shaking as he pushed the key card into the lock. He was completely floored by his own reaction. Never knew I had a thing for beards. He’d never seen Andy with more than a couple of days’ growth. They were through the door. Victor double-locked it, said “Hi Molly” through the open door to the connecting room, and pulled Andy toward the bed. “Off. All the clothes. Off.”
If he hadn’t sounded so desperate Andy might have been amused. As it was, he had barely enough time to start the camera he’d set up before Victor
was stripped and throwing back the bedspread. Andy got naked as fast as he could. Then they were kissing again, Victor’s hands were all over him, they were on the bed, and now Victor’s mouth was all over him. “Jesus, Victor.”
“This body, holy Christ I’ve missed you.” Victor wanted to keep kissing Andy, wanted to keep his mouth on that cock, wanted everything. He settled for a hand wrapped around both of them, his other hand holding himself off the bed. Andy
was flat on his back with one hand clutching Victor’s hair and his legs locked around Victor’s thighs. They were both moving, both vocalizing, both out of control. Victor went first, losing his grip, and lunged for Andy’s mouth again.
Andy pulled him tightly against his own body, loving those thrusts and that convulsion, letting it finish him. “God damn.” They breathed together for a minute. “That felt like a fire hose.” Victor snorted, then laughed silently into the side of Andy’s neck. “Happy anniversary, honey.”
Victor lifted his head. “Oh shit, it is, isn’t it?” Seven years from the day they’d met. He kissed Andy again, rubbed his face against the surprisingly-soft beard. “I should send Tanith a thank-you note.”
“I already did. I said, thanks for hiring me to do those pictures for your play way back when, and she wrote back with speaking of pictures I’d like to have a word with you about the stuff you hung in that gallery.” The behind-the-scenes photos at the movie premiere had mostly been of the actors, in rehearsals or on set. The ones that had gone into the gallery show included a lot of photos of the crew. All were flattering, because Andy wasn’t interested in making people look bad, but the collection made it clear how high the stakes were for everyone involved. “And I said now nobody will look at the timeline and say oh they must have thrown that together.” Andy stroked the hair back off Victor’s face. “We seem to be glued to each other.”
“Works for me.” One more kiss, then Victor shifted sideways and onto the bed. ‘Glued to each other’ was a good metaphor, not so great as a practical matter. “So when did you decide to go all Ahab on me?”
Andy snickered. “Well, I didn’t bother shaving for a couple of days, or like four, and then when I saw how grizzled it was coming in I thought, huh.
For the part,” he explained unnecessarily.
“Not going to keep it?”
“I wasn’t planning to, but then I wasn’t expecting you to react like that.”
He was grinning at Victor’s almost-embarrassed expression.
“Who else has seen it?”
“The girls next door. Rory, at our sleepover. And she sent a picture to Dana.” Andy turned onto his side, propped his head on his hand, and gazed at his beautiful husband. “You look fantastic. Having fun?”
Never Enough Page 10