by E Cleveland
“Jake,” my throat hurts and I hold him. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to ask. I’m not sure I want to know. I had no idea he’s been living with this horrible burden all this time. Guilt swirls inside me as I realize that I just assumed all this time that Jake was in because he liked to party. I never bothered to find out about the pain he’s lived with all this time. The pain that he carries with him every day.
“I shot him,” he whispers, “I killed a little boy over there. A fucking kid. He had a loaded gun, and he was going to shoot me,” he doesn’t open his eyes as he explains.
“Then you had no choice!” I run my hands over his shoulders.
“It doesn’t matter though. I wish he would’ve killed me instead. Instead of me reliving the hell every night. Seeing it over and over. I can’t… I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t stay in the SEALs. I can’t do another deployment. I just want to get my head straight and live a peaceful life. With you. If you’ll still have me,” he finally opens his eyes and I look up into the pain sweeping behind the intense blue. How have I never noticed it before?
“Of course. We’ll get through this, together. Together,” I lean into him and he wraps his arms around me.
Somehow, we’ll get through it all. As long as we’re together.
32
Jake
Pulling air deep into my lungs, I walk down the hall to my chief’s office. My guts are rolling up inside me like a nest of snakes. Nerves. They’re getting to me.
I remember when I was an ambitious eighteen-year-old with more balls than brains and a burning desire in my belly to prove myself. The military was always my plan, but the SEALs, that was my dream. I didn’t want to be a run-of-the-mill ground pounder. My father and my big brother had already blazed that path. I didn’t want to get lost in their shadows, and a world renowned elite force like the SEALs doesn’t sit in anyone’s shade.
My hand twitches and I give it a shake before balling it up and knocking on my chief’s door. This is it.
The door slides away from me as he opens it. “Armstrong? What is it?” He looks over my shoulder to see if there’s some kind of explanation for my interruption of his day.
“Chief,” I clear my throat like I did when I was a teenager and I didn’t want my voice to betray me by cracking when I talked to a girl. “Do you have a minute?”
He looks me over, his eyebrows scrunching together with concern and then steps back, opening a path to his desk. “Of course, come in,” he closes the door behind me and takes a seat. “Sit your ass down, Armstrong and spill it,” he nods at the empty seat across from him. “I haven’t got all day,” his usual gruff tone returns.
I smile and do as I’m told. His salty sailor routine hasn’t got me fooled. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid enough to go flapping my gums about it, but I know Chief Warrant Officer Andrews well enough to see that he has a good heart under his crusty shell.
“Well, are you gonna sit there smirking at me? Or did you have something you wanted to talk about?”
I puff up my chest, willing the words on the tip of my tongue to spill from my mouth. This is harder than I thought it would be. My mind flashes to last night, lying in bed with Holly.
“Come to the wedding with me. Come to Florida,” I urged her.
“What about Knox?”
“He already knows you’re here. You’re safer with me. Come with me and I’ll keep you safe.” I continued.
I didn’t tell her the other reason I wanted her to. The selfish reason. The one that had nothing to do with Knox, or the wedding, or any of that. That I couldn’t stand the idea of being away from her.
I realize now, that the feeling I once had for the SEALs, it’s hers now. She has my heart. My mind. My soul. I breathe for her.
She was quiet for so long, I thought she fell asleep. Finally, she answered, “Yes. I’ll go. But, I need to do one thing.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“I need to see my parents.”
I give my head a shake and ground myself into the present moment. Holly’s soft, beautiful face evaporates and instead, my chief’s deeply etched, angry skin fills my vision.
“Sorry, I, uh, I guess I’m a bit nervous,” I confess.
The Chief’s face doesn’t change; his lips barely move as he tells me to get on with it.
“I wanted to let you know that I’ve decided not to re-up when my contract expires. I won’t be signing the next one, I’m leaving the SEALs.” I look down at my hands. I can’t handle the mixture of surprise and hint of betrayal spreading across his face.
“You’re leaving? Your re-enlistment is coming, when?”
“In two months,” I fill in the blank for him.
“In two months,” he echoes back, his voice void of emotion. I can feel his hard stare, it’s impossible to avoid. “You want to explain to me what the hell this is about?” Andrews tilts his head.
I squirm in my seat a bit, “It’s a lot of things.” I meet his penetrating gaze, forcing myself to lay all the cards on the table. “I’m having problems sleeping. I have nightmares, all the time. I want to get help for that,” I start.
“Well, that’s nothing new around here. We can get you that help,” he cuts in.
“It’s more than that. I met someone. I love her, and I realize that my heart’s not in this anymore. I want to get my head straight and be the best man I can for her. And that includes actually being there for her. I know, even if I get these dreams under control, I’ll still be gone all the time. At a moment’s notice, I’ll be walking out of her life. Never knowing when I’m going to walk back in it. I can’t do it.” I confess.
A twinkle shines in Chief Warrant Officer Andrews’ eyes and he leans back in his chair, “A girl, huh? You’re going to throw away your career, everything you built up for yourself, for a woman?” He squints his eyes at me.
“Yes. I am, Chief.”
I watch as he twists back and forth in his chair, chewing on what I just told him. “Listen, Armstrong, I get it. Ok? We’ve all been there. This hasn’t been your year, you know. You had your Captain’s Mast, you went off to rehab, and now you’ve got a head full of treatment and a heart full of lust.”
He shuffles a bunch of folders on his desk, searching for something. Plucking a sheet of paper from one, leaning forward, he thrusts it over to me. “Look, your leave pass is approved to go to your brother’s wedding, ok? How about you go see your family, and think about this some more. Make damned sure that this isn’t just some leftover crisis from the shit year you’ve had, ok?”
I look from the stamped leave pass to his wrinkled face and nod. “I will. I’ll make sure, but I know my mind won’t change.” I stare into his brown eyes.
“You sound pretty confident, but just make sure. You know, once you’re out, you won’t be getting back in with us.”
“I know.”
Chief Andrews relaxes back into his seat and smiles, “All right. You sound pretty sure of yourself, so I will say one thing. Take it from someone who’s sitting on the other side of their career from where you are, there’s only room for one.”
“Chief?” I wait for him to explain.
“You can be married to a woman who steals your heart, or the SEALs. Both never work together. Take it from me, I’ve found three different women who were crazy enough to walk down the aisle with me, and not one of them stuck.”
I look down at the paper in my hands, “Ok. Thanks, Chief.” I stand up to leave.
“Oh, and Armstrong?”
“Yes,” I turn back to face him.
“Take it from someone who thought he found ‘the one’ three times; make damned sure you’re doing the right thing. I’d hate to see you throw it all away just to end up with a lifetime of regrets,” he answers.
“Yes, Chief.”
“Now, get outta here,” he flips his hand at me. “And close the door behind you, I don’t need any more fucking interruptions!” His gruff tone returns wi
th a vengeance.
I smile and walk out of his office, letting the door click behind me. I’ve never felt more certain of anything before. Holly is the one, there’s no second-guessing that.
Yet, as I make my way back down the hall, I can’t help the small, nagging voice that intrudes my thoughts and twists in my gut.
What if… what if I’m wrong?
33
Jake
“That’s my exit,” Holly points at the green freeway sign announcing Everglades City in another fifteen miles.
“Gotcha,” I nod, giving her a smile. She doesn’t return it though, instead she goes back to staring out her window.
I can see this trip is taking an emotional toll on her and we haven’t even gotten there.
“Hey, don’t worry, ok? I’m not going to be far away. If you call me, I’ll be there for you. I’m only a couple of hours down the road.” I try to reassure her about the distance that we agreed to allow between us tonight.
Holly was adamant about going to her parents’ house before continuing on to Miami for the wedding stuff. I can understand where she’s coming from, even if it does make me nervous to leave her in Everglades City while I take my brother out for his bachelor party in Miami. Her family has been torn apart for over five years, more if you count the time they were all grieving her sister’s death before Holly even took off. They need some time together. I get that, but it still makes me uneasy.
“I know, I’m just full of butterflies, you know? I’m nervous. It just feels like everything is a bit of a mess right now.” She smiles at me weakly.
“Listen, I’ve got you. If you need a break from your parents, or you hear from Knox, it doesn’t matter, I’ll be there. I promise,” I lift her hand to my lips, softly kissing the back.
Her smile grows stronger, but it’s still forced. “Besides,” I continue, “I don’t want to brag or anything,” I look at her from the corner of my eye with a half-cocked smile on my lips.
“You? I couldn’t imagine,” she teases me.
“Exactly, I’m obviously too humble for that. Probably the humblest person you know, to be honest.” I joke.
“Oh, definitely,” her eyes twinkle.
“Anyway, not only are you with probably one of the toughest, strongest and handsomest Navy SEALs of all time,” I smile.
“So humble,” she laughs.
“But, you’re also in the presence of the baddest gangster the East side has.”
“Oh, is that a fact,” she shakes her head. “How’s that?”
“Well, not to toot my own horn, of course.” I pick up my iPod and search through my old tried and true tracks until I find the song I’m looking for.
“You? Never,” she smirks and it makes me happy to see the worry finally disappear from her eyes, even if it’s only temporary.
“Right, but I can spit some mad rhymes, yo.” I hit the play button and my speakers fill with the familiar opening to my jam.
“Under Pressure? By Queen?” She looks at me confused.
“Nope!” I pretend to pick up an old-school mic, and belt out the opening line with way too much enthusiasm.
Holly can’t contain her laughter as the track fills the car with whispers of “Ice, Ice Baby.”
I sing Vanilla Ice’s masterpiece as I pull off onto the exit for Holly’s hometown. Holly is pretending she isn’t impressed, but I can tell her admiration is barely contained beneath the surface. I look over at her and she watches me, amused. Holly leans forward and turns the music down to a hush, but I keep singing along.
“Why the hell do you know all the words to Ice, Ice Baby?” She laughs.
“I told ya, I’m a straight up gangster!” I tease her.
“No, seriously,” she smiles and I’m happy to see the pain and fear are finally free from her gorgeous blue eyes.
“Well, besides the fact that it’s probably one of the greatest songs of all time, you mean?” I smirk.
“Yeah, besides that,” she tilts her head and her long hair cascades down over her shoulders.
“I had an overly arty teacher that incorporated it into our school Christmas play one year. As the head elf of the Ice Brigade, I needed to learn all the words,” I confess.
“Wow, you are the original gangster,” she laughs.
“Told you,” I squeeze her hand. I’ve hated seeing Holly so consumed by her fears and sadness. I’ve been trying to lighten the mood whenever I can. Besides, it helps me keep my mind off my own demons when I help her forget hers.
The worst times are when she just disappears into her shell though. Where I can’t reach her. I hate how I can see the agony play out on her face like a movie screen, knowing it was pain he caused her. Most of the time, she’ll talk about it. About how he beat her, controlled her, took away her spirit. The rage boils up inside me when I think about what he’s done to her. As difficult as it is to listen to what she’s been through, it’s harder still when she won’t talk about it. When she just cries or silently stares, refusing to say a word. Those are the times I know death is far too good for Knox. However, I’ll have no problem delivering it, if I get the chance.
Holly’s smile fades as she looks at what must be a trip down memory lane for her. “My parents’ house is just down this street,” she points to the sign on the corner and I flip on the signal.
“Are you sure you want to spend the night here? I can still bring you to Miami with me.” I offer, but she shakes her head stubbornly.
“No, this is something I need to do,” she answers firmly.
“Ok.” I drive slowly down the street of large houses with perfectly manicured lawns. “Which one is it?” I look over at her. She’s staring out the window again, but this time I know it’s not about Knox. No one should ever live with as much pain as she has in her life. I wish I could carry it all for her, every scar, and every memory. I hate knowing even half of what she’s been through.
“It’s down further,” she mumbles, her full lips flat line and her rosy cheeks pale. “Jake?”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me you’ll stay sober. I know it’s a bachelor party and there’s going to be a lot of temptation. Just, please, promise me?” She searches my face and my gut twists up in a knot. I can’t stand myself right now. The fact that she feels like she has to ask me this makes self-loathing and shame rush through my veins. I hate that I gave her any reason to doubt me. I never wanted to add another layer to her worries.
“I promise.” I whisper. “You have my word,” I answer simply, looking her in the eyes.
“Thank you,” she lets out the breath I didn’t realize she was holding. “Ok, this one, with the red car,” she points to a driveway ahead, “that’s my parents’ house.”
I pull in and recognize her mother immediately sitting on the hammock, reading. She looks much older looking, but is still gorgeous. She jumps up with a surprise upon noticing our arrival.
“There’s Mom,” Holly explains.
We watch as her mother starts to walk over to the car and then stops, blatantly staring at us before turning on her heel and speed walking into the house.
“Looks like this is going to go well,” she says dryly.
“Are you sure you want to stay here tonight?” I ask again, throwing the car in park. “You’re allowed to change your mind, you know.” I press her.
“It’ll be fine,” she forces a smile. The front door of the house flings back open and Holly’s father bounds outside, waving at us happily.
Holly unbuckles her seatbelt and slides out of the car, letting her father consume her in his bear hug. I walk over to their side of the car and hold out my hand, he takes a second to see it, but gives me a firm shake.
“It’s good to see you again, Sir.” I smile.
“You too. And I’m so happy to see you, Holly,” he throws his arm over her shoulder, smiling.
“I’ll grab your bag,” I offer, but her father holds up his hand. “No, I’ll let you two say your goodbyes, let me
grab it instead.” He doesn’t wait for an answer, walking over to the back door of my car, he plucks her bag from the seat and takes it into the house.
“Thanks, Dad!” Holly calls out and her father waves it off.
“Ok, well, if you need anything, I’m only a phone call away.” I hold her chin between my finger and thumb, tilting her head up to me and kiss her tenderly.
Holly melts into my arms as our tongues briefly collide. I pull back, resting my forehead against hers and she sighs. “It’s going to be fine,” she promises.
“I know, I just hate to leave you,” I admit.
“Knox doesn’t know where I’m from,” she squeezes my hand reassuring me for the tenth time.
I watched carefully while I was driving, keeping an eye out for any cars on our tail, but nothing. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that she’d be better off with me.
“I love you, Jake,” she whispers.
“I love you, too.” I run my hand through her hair and smile. “So much.”
I give her another quick kiss and force myself to get back into the car. As I back out of the driveway, I can’t help but feel like I’m making a mistake. Like I should grab her and take her with me, rather than leave her with a hostile mother and a ton of bad blood. Holly raises her hand to wave and I wave back, driving away, watching her shrink in the rearview mirror as I go.
“She’ll be ok, you can’t protect her from everything,” I tell myself, but the words fall flat when my heart, my gut and every fiber of my being is telling me differently. “It’s only one night. Just one night,” I repeat. As I drive away, I hope that this one night apart isn’t the one that destroys us.
34
Holly