“What happens now?” Belle asked me.
“I have no idea,” I said. “He fucking lied to me, angel. They all fucking lied to me.”
“Who lied? About what?”
I kept walking and Belle kept chasing me.
I made it into the kitchen before she grabbed my arm and pulled at me.
When I spun around, her hands touched my face again.
“Ash…”
“He was always going to get out,” I said. “That was the plan. The punishment. Freedom was always the final ending.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
I curled my lip. Anger would forever and always overpower sadness. That was how I was wired, built, and designed to live. Sadness made you weak. And I was not going to be fucking weak.
“I was always told he was put away for life for what he did,” I said. “That my father flexed so hard that there was no chance of this guy getting away with it. That’s what I was told and what I believed all of my life. Until now.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning he wasn’t sentenced for life,” I said. “He was just… there. He always had the chance of getting out. There was a time limit on his punishment but not on our suffering.”
“Ash, you’re kind of talking serious and crazy right now. I know you’re angry…”
“I’m beyond angry,” I said. “That piece of shit is walking free. And all along my father knew it was going to happen. He just wasn’t around this time to stop it. Either that or someone fucked him.”
“Fucked who?”
“Someone my father works with,” I said. “It’s how you get things done. He probably pissed someone off to better himself and that someone called in a favor and that favor was to get this guy released from prison. Because they knew it would break my father. He cracked the window first. I just finished what he started.”
Belle lifted my hand and shook her head. “Does it hurt?”
“No,” I said. “It feels fucking fantastic.”
Belle slammed her hands to my chest. “Don’t be a dick to me, Ash.”
“Too late,” I said.
“Fuck you then.”
“Your friends are outside waiting for you,” I said.
Belle slapped my face. “Yeah? That’s what you want to say? You want to push me away?”
“My hands aren’t on you, are they?”
Belle scoffed. “Oh, this is good, Ash. Look at you. Going to fucking hide inside yourself, right? Because you can’t cope with the truth.”
“You don’t know anything about the truth,” I said.
“He got out of jail,” Belle said. “That sucks. You can’t control what’s decided for him. You can control what you do next.”
I clapped my hands together. “Well said, angel. Well said. Write that down. Show it to Miss Whitaker.”
Belle spit at me.
Right at my shirt.
Which surprised me.
I looked down at the wet spot and when I looked back up, she was leaving.
Running through the house to the door.
And I just stood there.
And I watched her leave.
And in that moment, I didn’t care… about anything.
* * *
Uly and Hil stood with their arms crossed.
Like they were the bodyguards for Belle.
Which at one time they kind of were.
They were in love with her. They felt things for her they weren’t sure of. They thought they had a chance with her. And she even gave them that small window of opportunity to try…
Thoughts began to enrage me more.
“What are you doing, bro?” Hil asked. “Attacking Belle?”
“I didn’t attack anyone,” I said. “You better get out there and kiss her ass.”
“Fuck you, bro,” Hil said. “We made a promise to keep an eye on her around here. You know how I feel about Vera.”
“Your replacement for Belle, right?”
Hil stepped forward and Uly stopped him.
“I’d love to watch this fight,” Uly said to me and Hil. “But Belle’s pissed and upset. Mara is nervous. And Vera wants to fight someone else on the beach.”
“The dork and the crazy,” I said. “How fitting.”
“I’m going to kill him,” Hil said. “I’ll be the one that goes to prison for life then.”
I lunged at Hil.
Uly got between us but that wasn’t enough.
The three of us got tangled up, everyone throwing any and all the punches we could.
I think I ended up hitting Uly. And Hil hit me once. Then Uly hit me. I managed to get my right hand on Hil’s shoulder but that was it.
We all broke apart and Uly put his arms out.
“Stop it,” he said. “This is fucking stupid.”
“I’m good with it,” Hil said.
“Get the fuck out of here,” I said.
“That’s what you want, bro?” Hil asked. “You want to be alone? You got it. Just like it used to be. When everything got fucked from before. That doesn’t bother me one bit.”
Hil walked away.
Uly lingered around.
He rubbed his jaw and took out a cigarette.
But he didn’t light it.
“Think about it,” he said to me. “There’s a way to figure it out.”
“I already did,” I said. “I already told you what I’m going to do.”
“So you’re tossing Belle away so she doesn’t get hurt?” Uly asked.
I didn’t respond.
I just stared.
I had nothing else to say to Uly.
Uly shook his head and turned away.
“Fucking asshole,” he muttered.
He lit his cigarette and a puff of smoke danced over his head.
How fitting…
Everything going up in smoke.
Chapter 10
I stared at the clock.
Every time I looked at it, it seemed that another hour had gone by.
And another drink had disappeared.
It was not the kind of thing that was good for me.
Or good for anyone.
There was the hour… between one and two in the morning. That’s when shit changed. It always changed. It was the hour to decide if you were going to crash or just stay up. Knowing that the next drink was either the last or almost like starting over.
I sat in the most random spot in my place.
My ass on the floor. My back against the wall that led to the stairs. My knees bent. A notebook open. Nothing even attempted to be drawn yet.
A picture of my mother just sitting there.
My thumb holding the picture in place so it didn’t slide off the page.
It was my mother at the beach.
Standing near the water.
Looking surprised.
I remembered that day for some reason.
We fucking lived on the beach. We lived at the beach. We lived… whatever you wanted to call it. There was nothing we didn’t have. Ever. So when we’d go to the beach and my father would want to take pictures, my mother would tease him about acting like a tourist. Like we were on vacation.
That day, she asked him if he had his camera.
So she could pose like she’d never seen the ocean before.
In the bottom right corner of the picture was me.
Little fucking Ashby. Just chilling on the beach. My boney back, scrawny arms and legs. A hat on backwards. I could see part of the frames from the giant ass sunglasses I would wear. Even then as a kid I had a sense of swagger and had no problems getting into a fight.
But that picture…
That was my symbol of happiness in a sense.
Probably the only memory of happiness I had.
The memory wasn’t going to go away.
I knew that.
It was just…
I flipped the picture over and put it next to me.
I shut my eyes and put my head back.<
br />
The words that Belle wrote… the ones that Miss Whitaker told me to read… they started to flow through me.
Softer than the moonlight,
More soothing than the waves,
Of all the places he can kiss,
I nodded and pictured what Belle wrote about. Which was us.
With his eyes, and his lips graze,
The touch of our hands,
The rush between my toes,
A breathless sigh of ‘I love you’,
The night we bailed from Raza’s, getting away from the fucking cops while they busted up the party.
The way I wrinkle my nose,
And everything else you say you like,
I take and hold so tight,
Just the same as you hold me,
On that secret, shhhh night.
I opened my eyes and looked down to the blank page.
My hand started to move.
Fast.
Sketching had a way of making the world stop around me. Time didn’t matter. Pain didn’t matter. There were no feelings. No movements. Nothing. It was just my eyes and the pen or pencil and paper. Like it was one line from beginning to end. And that’s what it was too. An actual beginning and end.
It made sense.
It worked.
Even if the sketches came out like shit, at least it made sense.
When I finished sketching, I stood up.
I stumbled to my right and put my hand out.
I was drunk.
A little drunk. Not a lot drunk. But drunk was drunk.
I stepped on the flipped over picture of my mother and shuffled my way to the door.
One way or another, I needed to see Belle right now.
* * *
Hil took one look at me and shoved his middle finger in my face and slammed the door.
I hit my fist over and over until he opened it again.
“I’m busy,” he said.
“Tell Vera you’ll get her twice tomorrow night, bro,” I said.
“You’re drunk.”
“I need a ride to Belle’s.”
“What?”
“Over to Uly’s place. Right now. I know she’s crashing there.”
“How the fuck do you know that?” Hil asked.
I didn’t know.
I was assuming.
Or maybe I wanted to see Miss Whitaker.
Yeah, that’s what it is.
No.
I wanted to see Belle.
“I have to find her,” I said.
“And I’m supposed to drive your ass around?” Hil asked.
“Let’s go,” I said. “If you don’t help me, I’ll drive myself.”
Hil grabbed my shirt. “Fuck you for saying that, bro.”
“Hil, what’s going on?” Vera’s voice called out.
“I have to help Ash with something,” he said.
I nodded. “I’ll meet you at the SUV.”
“You stumbled your ass all the way over here instead of calling me?” Hil asked.
Vera appeared, wearing a hoodie that was definitely not hers.
“Are you naked under that, angel?” I asked with a grin.
“Want to see?” Vera asked, playing with the bottom of the hoodie.
“You don’t have the guts to do it,” I said.
“Oh yeah?”
Vera started to lift the hoodie and Hil stopped her.
Hil was pissed and jealous.
Which I liked to see.
I stepped back and held up my notebook.
Hil looked at it, then at me.
“Fuck, it’s that serious?”
“Yeah,” I said.
I never carried my notebook with me anywhere.
There were only a few people who knew about it.
I walked my way to the SUV and climbed into the passenger seat.
Vera opened the door a few minutes later.
“Here’s your seat, angel,” I said.
“Fuck off, Ash,” she said and slammed the door.
She got into the backseat as Hil got into the driver’s seat.
“You’re not going to say a word, are you?” Hil asked me.
“Nope,” I said. “Not a fucking word.”
“I will then,” Vera said. She pulled herself forward. “Why did you make Belle cry? Who the fuck are you? Some badass prick? Huh? You think that’s cool, Ash?”
I looked at Vera. “You know, for some reason, I kind of like you. You’re batshit crazy, angel, but you’re not afraid of it. You don’t hide it.”
“I will cut you,” she said. “I will cut Belle’s name into you so you remember her forever.”
I laughed. “Trust me, angel, I’m not forgetting her.”
“Don’t be so cocky,” Vera said. “I hope she’s banging someone else right now. Maybe she’s with Uly. I heard they have a past. You know? Some old feelings start working… Mara falls asleep because she read too much and got tired. And Belle is sad and in the mood for a little attention…”
“Which is all Uly could give her,” I said. “Just a little. It’s all he’s got.”
“But she wants it, Ash,” Vera said. “Oh, she wants it so bad…”
Vera had fuck me eyes and venom coming from her lips.
And she was getting to me.
She was winning this thing.
This bullshit thing.
She smiled, knowing it too.
“Are you two done?” Hil asked.
“I think so,” Vera said. She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. Then she whispered, “Just think of Belle… moaning Uly’s name…”
I turned away and made a fist.
Vera giggled.
I looked at Hil.
He grinned.
He loved it.
He loved the craziness of Vera.
That’s what got him sucked in to begin with.
Nobody else talked for the rest of the ride to Uly’s place.
It still baffled me that Miss Whitaker lived there. And however the fuck it worked with Mara. And Belle.
She had to be there.
She always ran to that place.
Because of Uly. Because of Miss Whitaker.
She didn’t actually think of Dr. Jo’s mansion as home. Not with the way Dr. Jo had the house set up.
And if anything, Belle was supposed to be with me.
My place.
Mine.
It was ours.
It was about being together.
But I fucked that up on my own.
And I wasn’t even sure I was there to actually fix anything.
I just needed to see her - even for a second.
* * *
When I walked around the SUV, Hil put the window down and whistled for me.
“You know how you treated me like shit and then woke me up in the middle of the night?” Hil asked.
“You were sleeping,” I said. “And you know you’re a piece of shit.”
“Oh, I wasn’t sleeping,” Hil said. “Enjoying myself actually. And you fucked that up. And you think you can just do what you want, right?”
“It’s for Belle, bro,” I said.
“Okay. I did my part.”
“Yeah, your point?” I asked.
Vera climbed into the front seat and leaned over Hil.
“This is where he tells you to fuck yourself and then he speeds away,” Vera said.
She blew me a kiss.
“What she said,” Hil said.
The engine revved and Hil took off, throwing dust at me.
Leaving me standing there with my notebook outside Uly’s house.
I laughed.
I was supposed to be beating the hell out of someone for fun. Or better yet, I could have been down at Ink-a-Tat working. Or hanging with Kyan. Or Iggy. Or even with Hae… fuck, imagine what she could do…
My lip curled, confused by anger and pain together.
“Ashby?” a voice called out.
I walked toward the door
and saw Miss Whitaker sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette.
“We have to stop meeting like this,” I said to her.
“Sure,” she said.
“Is Belle here tonight?”
Miss Whitaker didn’t answer.
Her silence was the same as if she had yelled fuck yes.
I grabbed for the door handle.
“Ashby, you can’t be here right now,” Miss Whitaker said. “I know this technically isn’t my house, but it’s where I live. And I can tell you’ve been drinking. And you’re not allowed to drink. I don’t know what happened with Belle, but if she wants to be left alone, then leave her alone. At least for tonight. Be smart.”
I opened my hand and turned to look at Miss Whitaker.
It was always weird to see her dressed down and acting normal.
“What do you want me to say right now?” I asked.
“Say that you’re leaving. And I’ll tell Belle you stopped by. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll call. Or text. Right?”
I opened my notebook and tore out two pages.
I walked to Miss Whitaker and dropped the pages on her lap.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“What I came to give to Belle,” I said. “I took your advice. I had her poem memorized.”
“Memorized? You read it once.”
“That’s all I need,” I said. “I have a good memory.”
Miss Whitaker dropped her cigarette to the porch and pointed to it.
I stepped on it for her since she was barefoot.
She looked at the sketches.
Then she looked up at me.
“This is for real?”
“No,” I said. “I printed it offline. Of course it’s real.”
Miss Whitaker stood up. “What do you really want here, Ashby?”
“Do you want me to answer that?”
“Probably not.”
She walked around me and gave me my sketches back.
She went into the house and I sat down on the porch swing.
I was kind of stranded there.
Hil and Vera were probably halfway home by then. Probably teasing each other, desperate to get back to Hil’s place to finish each other off.
I sat there and stared at the sketches.
All the imperfections.
I could have blamed the drinking on that.
Or it was just my style.
Full of imperfections that made it what it was.
I heard the door close and I looked up.
Belle was walking toward me.
ASH: a bay falls high novel Page 10