“Cat’s not for sale,” Wanda told him firmly.
He laughed. “Come on. Everything's for sale, lady. How much?”
Wanda stood taller and eyed the rude human with distaste. “I told you the cat is not for sale, mister. And the diner is closed.”
“Hey now,” the man said, flashing a few hundred-dollar bills. “We just want a bite to eat. I understand the cat isn’t for sale. No harm. No foul.”
“I want that cat,” the child wailed.
Patting the horrible little human’s back, the mother whispered, “Don’t cry. We’ll take the cat when we leave. That mean lady won’t even notice. No one tells us no.”
“Like hell they will,” I hissed, debating how criminal it would be if I pilfered the asshole’s loaded wallet once the lights went out. I was supposed to be living on the right side of the law this week.
“Wouldn’t be criminal at all,” Poutine said with a grin. “I’ll be your second and we can split the take.”
“Did youse just read my mind?” I asked, shocked and delighted.
“Maybe,” she said with a wink. “I know how you think, Fat Bastard.”
“How do youse know?” I asked, more in love with the felonious feline than I thought possible.
“Because great minds think alike,” she purred sexily then became all business again. “Everyone… go.”
I’d never witnessed such a shitshow without an ounce of magic involved in all my years. Neither had Wanda. She dropped into a chair and hid her face in her hands to disguise her laughter. No one was gonna mess with the best cheesecake maker in the Universe—not on my stolen watch.
Jango coughed and hacked like he was a ten pack a day smoker. Staggering around the room like he was gonna die, he stopped right at the feet of the horrified human woman. He looked up at her innocently then ralphed a gelatinous, phlegmy globe of skank like I’d never seen. The size of the hairball he puked up belonged in the record books. I’d never been so proud or grossed out by my buddy. Even Poutine couldn’t hold back a few sympathy gags.
Blythe and Annie Surely were fucking maniacs. The broads took Poutine at her word when she’d requested copious amounts of blood. Wanda was gonna have to do a major mop to clean up the sticky mess. And I thought our fights were violent… We didn’t hold a candle to the savage she-devils. It was bloody poetry in motion. The humans were terrified.
However, the shining moment of the entire presentation was compliments of my man Boba. With his fat ass positioned high and his bunghole aimed perfectly, he shot a stinky that singed my nose hairs. The cat’s sphincter was positively vicious. The screaming that ensued—by all of us, including Wanda—was music to my ears even if the aroma permanently damaged my nostrils.
There wasn’t even time to shut off the lights. And because of Boba’s outstanding anal audio vapor loaf, it didn’t matter. The unruly pampered shit of a kid screeched and hightailed it out of the diner, followed by her overindulgent mother. The father was dry heaving and trying to stand up.
“Give me your back paw,” Poutine insisted.
“Why?” I asked, confused.
“Just do it,” she hissed.
Far be it from me to deny my dame anything. I put my foot into her paws, and she launched me like a grenade across the diner. I landed with a thud right in the middle of the human’s table and hissed at the man like I had rabies.
His eyes grew huge, and he fell backwards in his chair, hitting the ground like a sack of potatoes. He crawled out of the diner on all fours whimpering like a loser.
However, his wallet didn’t make it. It was now safely in my possession thanks to my brilliant broad. Normally, I didn’t like to share my loot, but this time was different. Poutine could have the whole f-in’ take. That was how much I loved her.
“Oh my Goddess,” Wanda choked out, crying she was laughing so hard. “You’ve earned yourselves a cheesecake every day for the rest of your lives. Thank you. I wasn’t sure what to do.”
“Our pleasure, dollface,” I said, checking on Annie Surely and Blythe who were healing slowly. It was a good thing Zelda was on the way. She could wanker the dames right back to perfection.
“What’s all the noise aboot, eh?” Sassy asked, running out of the kitchen with Jeeves right behind her.
Jeeves gagged. “And what’s that smell?”
They were an excellent couple. Sassy was a hot blonde dame with nice hooters and Jeeves was a good-looking kangaroo Shifter. Although, his fashion sense was a little iffy. This evening the man was wearing lime green jockey breeches with a yellow tank top and purple converse tennis shoes. It didn’t matter. He was the nicest fuckin’ kangaroo in the Universe—never had an unkind word for anyone.
“I farted,” Boba admitted with a grin as Annie Surely gazed at him with an expression of pride and adoration on her bloody mug.
“That was certainly some fart,” Jeeves said with a chuckle. “You okay? You need some seltzer or a cracker to settle your stomach?”
“No, he doesn’t,” Wanda said, running her hands through her hair and sighing. “Boba’s anal acoustics saved the day. There were humans in here.”
Sassy and Jeeves froze and glanced around in shock.
“In here?” Sassy asked. “Inside the diner?”
Wanda nodded and began to pace. “Yes. It makes no sense. The town is glamoured to keep humans away. I mean, I thought it was.”
Jeeves righted the chairs and got everyone a nice hot cup of tea.
“The history has been lost—no way of knowing how the town was protected,” Jeeves said as he made sure everyone was comfortable then sat next to Sassy and held her close. “As the story goes, the historian who was keeping the books used the pages as sanitary paper.”
“Youse are tellin’ me some numbnuts wiped his ass with the sacred history of Assjacket?” I asked, pulling a Jeeves and putting my arm around Poutine. She hissed a little but didn’t coldcock me. I considered it a win.
“History?” Poutine asked, thinking aloud. “Do you happen to know the name or species of the historian who wiped his ass with the past? This information might pertain to something the Goddess sent us here to do.”
My gal was as hot and hairy as she was smart.
“I’m sorry I don’t,” Jeeves said, shaking his head. “It was before my time, but that’s the rumor.”
“What was before your time?” Zelda asked as she and Mac burst through the front door of the diner.
Zelda glanced around at all the blood, winced at the hairball then eyeballed the new cats in town. Her brow raised as she noticed that me and the boys had each staked our claim and were protecting them. Not that the dames needed protection. After what I saw tonight, I was pretty sure they could hand us our fat asses.
“Somebody start talking,” Zelda said, pulling up a chair and joining the group. “Now.”
“Humans was in town,” I told her as her eyes grew wide. “And they came into the diner.”
Zelda glanced up at Mac, who stood behind her with an expression of surprise and anger. “Mother humper,” she muttered as her fingers began to spark. “We have a problem.”
Chapter Eight
After a round of introductions, we dove right into business and got Mac and Zelda up to speed. Stress was high. When Wanda was stressed, she fed people. When I was stressed, I liked to eat. It was a win-win.
“Oh my Goddess. You cut the cheese and asphyxiated everyone?” Zelda asked Boba with a wince as we finished filling them in on the situation.
“Yes, he let one rip,” Wanda confirmed with a chuckle. “It was a disgustingly fabulous finale to the very scary event.”
Mac shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t get it. Why are they stopping in town? I had two humans stop by police headquarters this afternoon asking for directions. No one stops at headquarters. No human stops in Assjacket at all.”
Zelda pulled Blythe onto her lap and began checking her injuries. “No one until today. The magic is wonky. I can
feel it.”
“Do I need to spread some more green goop?” Sassy questioned sleepily, leaning on Jeeves.
Zelda shook her head no, and carefully healed Blythe. “No. It would be a waste of goop. This feels different. It’s not the balance of magic that’s off, it’s…”
“It’s as if the glamour was removed,” Mac finished her thought.
Gently putting Blythe down, Zelda picked up Annie Surely and examined her wounds. “Exactly. But was a glamour ever put on this town? I can’t feel it if it was.”
“Me neither,” Sassy agreed. “If it was glamoured or warded, it wasn’t a witch or warlock who did it. Should we consult Baba Yoknowitall?”
“Nope.” Zelda put a healed Annie Surely down and gently patted her head. “This is my town and I’ll solve the problem. Is there any record of the history of magic for the town?”
“Oh shit,” I said with a mouth full of cookie. “Pun intended, by the way.”
“Dude,” Zelda said, eyeing me. “Swallow the cookie and finish the thought or you're gonna lose a nard.”
“I like her,” Poutine said with a giggle. “She’s vicious.”
“Thank you,” Zelda replied to Poutine. “I’m also materialistic, and I try to have a shitty attitude at all times. However, that’s been a failure as of late. I’m too fucking happy.”
Mac laughed and planted a kiss on the top of his mate’s head. “Too bad. So sad. However, I think I know where Fat Bastard was going with his crappy pun.”
“Youse just made a pun,” I accused Mac with a chuckle.
“Yep. Couldn’t help myself,” Mac replied grinning. “As the story goes, there was an Assjackian historian who went by the name of Goober. He used the historical journals to wipe his ass when he ran out of toilet paper a few hundred years ago. Apparently, everyone was so pissed, he was chased out of town never to be heard from again.”
“Goober, you say?” Poutine asked, her ears perking up with interest.
Mac nodded.
“Was he a Shifter?” Blythe inquired, glancing over at Poutine.
“Probably,” Mac confirmed. “But it was before I was alive and the records are gone, so it’s a guess on my part. Why?”
Annie Surely snapped her fingers and produced a little notebook, reading glasses and a pen. “Well,” she said, flipping the pages. “While most Shifters don’t match their names with their breed, those that begin with the letter G often do—gerbils, giraffes, gazelles, geckos, goldfish.”
“Shut the front door,” Zelda said with a grunt of disbelief. “There are goldfish shifters?”
Mac laughed. “Umm… no,” he said. “However, the rest of the list is accurate.”
“But Zorro is a goat Shifter,” Sassy pointed out, mentioning one of the newest and best additions to Assjacket.
Blythe nodded thoughtfully. “Hmm… does he happen to be a fainting goat Shifter?”
“He does,” Zelda said. “Does that make a difference?”
Annie Surely took notes and kept talking. “It does,” she said. “Your friend Zorro isn’t just a goat. He’s a fainting goat so therefore, the lack of a G name makes sense. Is there anyone from Assjacket still alive who might have known this Goober with the dirty ass issue? I feel like it’s a clue and possibly why we’re here.”
“You came here to teach me Canadian,” Sassy said, falling asleep on Jeeves.
“Dat’s true,” I said, patting Sassy’s head as she nodded off. “However, the dames are also here on behalf of the Goddess.”
“Need a little more info on that,” Zelda said, tense and beginning to spark.
Poutine quickly chimed in. My gal was a smart broad. When Zelda got an itchy trigger finger, the explosions were sure to follow.
“The Goddess was a bit cryptic,” Poutine explained. “She told us to go to Assjacket, and that the key to history was in the name, then she asked us why women rub their eyes in the morning. She also said that toilet paper was expensive.”
“Toilet paper is expensive,” Sassy pointed out.
Zelda nodded her agreement with Sassy then took a stab at the riddle in the cryptic message. “Eye boogers?” Zelda guessed
“Possibly,” Blythe said, wrinkling her nose. “But it doesn’t connect. Unless eye boogers have something to do with the glamoured safety of Assjacket.”
“I hope not,” Zelda muttered. “That would be all kinds of gross.”
Mac sat down next to Zelda and squinted across the table at Jeeves. “Have you seen Fucking Derrick lately?”
“Umm… that’s kind of rude,” Zelda said.
“Not rude at all,” Wanda chimed in as she passed a plate of chocolate chip cookies around. “That’s his name. Fucking Derrick. He’s at least a thousand years old if he’s a day.”
“How is it dat I’ve lived here for a few years and didn’t know dat weese had a Shifter in town named Fuckin’ Derrick?” I asked, taking the plate off of Wanda’s hands and setting it right in front of me.
“Not a Shifter,” Jeeves said with a slight shudder.
“Fuckin’ Derrick is a warlock?” I asked, making sure Poutine and the gals had as many cookies as they wanted.
“Not a warlock,” Mac said, not hiding his shudder at all.
Zelda rolled her eyes so hard I was sure they were going to get stuck. The dames were wildly impressed.
“Mmkay,” she said flatly. “Since I’m clearly not getting laid tonight, I’m grumpy and not in the mood to play the guessing game. That’s Sassy’s thing and she’s sound asleep. Someone needs to tell me what Fucking Derrick’s species is.”
“Fucking Derrick is a troll,” Mac said with a groan. “And I’m not sure he’s still alive. Haven’t seen the tiny guy in at least a decade—angriest little bastard I’ve ever had to deal with.”
“Youse are shittin’ me,” I said, impressed. “I heard dat trolls was extinct.”
“They might be if Fucking Derrick has passed,” Jeeves said, cradling Sassy in his arms. “I’m going to get my gal home. Let me know the plan, and I’ll be ready.”
“Go,” Mac said. “I’ll call you if I need you.”
Jeeves nodded to all. “It was lovely meeting you Poutine, Blythe, and Annie Surely. Welcome to Assjacket and sorry we’re a mess at the moment.”
Jeeves, holding a sleeping Sassy, quietly walked out of the diner and into the night.
“So, we’re about to turn over some rocks to find a troll named Fucking Derrick?” Zelda asked Mac with a laugh.
“Looks like it,” he said. “It’s a long shot. Not even sure he’ll know anything helpful even if he is alive.”
“But since the clues we have suck ass, we have to start somewhere,” Zelda pointed out. “Poutine, tell me again what the Goddess said.”
“She said that the key to history was in the name and then she asked us why women rub their eyes in the morning. And of course, that toilet paper is expensive.”
Zelda groaned. “That’s about as clear as mud. What is it with magic weirdos who wear embarrassingly high-waisted jeans and have soccer mom haircuts being so dang cryptic?”
Everyone, including Zelda, jerked their gaze to the ceiling in terror. The Goddess wasn’t particularly easy going about her fashion choices and Zelda had no filter. Holding our breath, we waited for the Goddess to zap the shit out of Zelda.
“Maybe she’s sleeping,” Wanda whispered, still looking up.
“Or she’s giving you a pass,” Mac suggested with a shrug.
Zelda shot him a glare. “Why would the Goddess give me a pass? She never gives me a freakin’ pass. I have a permanent scar on my left butt cheek to prove it.”
“Maybe because she knows what a little shit Fucking Derrick is and she feels bad for you,” Wanda surmised.
“Fucking Derrick is that bad?” Zelda asked, paling a little.
“He’s that bad,” Mac confirmed.
“Youse want us to help search?” I asked.
“We would be happy to aid you,” Poutine added.
/>
“No, but thanks,” Zelda said, closing her eyes for a brief moment. “Fat Bastard, take the gals to our home. My dad is with the kids. I want extra protection on Henry and Audrey tonight. All of this is making me itchy.”
“Roger dat,” I said, taking Poutine’s paw in mine. “Weese will guard the house and dem babies till youse find Fuckin’ Derrick and shake him down for info.”
And maybe we’d find a little time to play kissy face with the dames.
Chapter Nine
“Unbelievable,” Fabio said with a shocked and delighted laugh as he stared at the full house Blythe had slapped down on the card table. “Have you lost a hand yet?”
“We cheat,” Annie Surely said with a giggle.
“I do too,” Fabio said, shaking his head in wonder. “Never have I had my ass handed to me like this during a poker game in all my centuries—very impressive.”
“Thank you,” Blythe purred,
The dames cheated at cards better than we did and that was high fucking praise. Fabio was floored by their scam artist skills. And Fabio would know. The warlock was one of the most famous swindlers in the Universe.
Poutine purred and smiled as she counted the chips that she and her gals had hoodwinked out of us. I beamed with pride that my gal was such a conniving crook.
My dame looked right at home in the Kick-ass Cat Pad, and I felt an unfamiliar pang of melancholy. Our home had never seemed so right until this very moment. My boys felt it too. I could tell by the way Jango let his gut hang out—literally—and Boba’s cat-ate-the-canary smile never left his mug. I wanted the dames to stay. Forever. Assjacket had to be way better than Canada even with the human shitshow going on. I could talk about boots all day if that made the cats feel at home. Hell, I’d steal them a damn boot factory.
It was an excellent idea. I’d have to share it with my boys later.
Although, we might have to kidnap them. They’d understand. The broads were as criminal as we were. The thought calmed me and made me happy.
“Zelda looks just like you,” Poutine told Fabio as she studied his face.
The Bad Boys of Assjacket: Magic and Mayhem Universe: Magic and Mayhem Book 9 Page 6