by Lee Wardlow
When he returned, Tyson bounced on the bed beside me, jostling me. He kicked off his tennis shoes and leaned back against the headboard.
“Now what?”
I handed him my notebook and let him read what I had written so far. He chuckled at the last line I had written and handed me back my notebook. “Getting anything less than perfect does give you hives,” he teased me.
I scowled at him. “And losing a game or having a lousy game makes you an ass.”
He frowned at me. “It does,” he agreed.
I nodded my head. Maybe he was seeing that getting good grades was as important to me as his sports were to him. I needed them as much as he did.
“What do you want to do when we graduate?” Tyson asked.
“Go away to college somewhere.” I glanced at my brother. “What?”
“By yourself?”
“That was the plan, Tyson. You think I can’t handle it?”
“No, not really. You still don’t go to the grocery store by yourself. In the last three years, you’ve finally started talking for yourself.” He wasn’t being mean, but it was harsh, and it hurt.
“I had to, you abandoned me,” I snapped.
He snorted and looked away. “Abs, I didn’t abandon you. I was right there every single day. I knew you were okay. I was just trying to maintain some distance so we could keep our separate identities.”
I rolled my eyes at my twin. “Where were you then when Alex Holt harassed me in the library in the eighth grade because you no longer had my back?” He glanced at me. “Geek, nerd, freak. Are you sure that you and Tyson are related?”
He was really looking at me now, sorrow crossed his face.
“I became a target for those that only maintained distance because of you. Jenson Hall also eighth grade. Walked behind me to seventh period math class, every single day. Shoved me all the way. Just a gentle shove. His words hurt far worse.”
“Abs why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because Tyson what you were doing hurt me far worse than some idiot bullies who have daddy issues.”
He grabbed me in his arms and held me close. “What else?”
“You don’t want to know,” I said into his chest.
“I do. Has anyone bothered you at our new school?” He asked.
“Not so far but Cal Cooper doesn’t let me walk alone very often so they seem to respect me because of him.”
He leaned back and looked at me. “I’m sorry Abs. I didn’t know. I was caught up in finally being just Tyson Gardener not Abby’s brother who didn’t get the grades she did. I didn’t know the guys were bullying you.”
“Why would you? Mom and Dad made sure we had few classes together to help us keep our identities separate. That made it easier to hide what was happening to me. Kyle Goertz was the worst. Remember freshman year we had to sit in alphabetical order at the lunch tables? Lucky you and me, we didn’t have same lunch period.
“Kyle thought it was funny to spit in my food. I nearly starved my freshman year of school. When I got up to put my tray away, he would call me names. I couldn’t be like you. Popular, good looking…”
He stopped me there. “Abs you’re beautiful. You hide behind those glasses that are too big for your face. The guys on the football team are teasing Cal about falling for the nerd. All he says in response is what beautiful eyes that nerd has.”
I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I wiped it away with my sleeve.
“I had to remind them that they are talking about my sister,” he declared.
I couldn’t stop the flow of tears then.
“Please don’t cry,” Tyson begged. “I hate it when you cry.”
He put his arm around me and held me like he used to when we were little. I was afraid of storms. We had separate bedrooms, but I always found my way to Ty’s room because I knew he would protect me from the storm.
“I love you Tyson,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure that he had heard me.
“I love you too Abs,” he finally said. “We can talk at school.” He sounded resigned like it was the only thing he could possibly do.
I laughed and wiped my face on his shirt. He groaned.
“We need to finish these assignments,” I said to him.
He picked up his notebook. “We do,” he agreed.
We both wrote our stories sitting on my bed.
Then we exchanged notebooks. What I discovered about my brother is that he knew more about me than I realized. He didn’t change any names and what Tyson wrote was straight from the heart.
He wrote his story based in the future as if we were graduating, and I was valedictorian of the class and this was my speech.
Thank you everyone for attending the ceremony of White Oak Creek High School’s graduating class of seniors. I’m honored to have received the award for Valedictorian.
Over the years, I worked hard to achieve the academic excellence that has brought me here. I made it look easy to my brother, Tyson but he knows I worked really, hard.
I chuckled.
When we were younger my brother and I were like most twins, inseparable. Life changes you as you get older and your friends change too. We both wanted to be different and not compared to each other.
He was right. I had to agree about that.
I relied on Tyson to protect me when the monsters became real. When the kids at school would have made fun of me but didn’t because he was there to protect me. I gave Tyson a reason to love and not become a selfish prick.
“Ty, you can’t write that.”
“I did. It’s how I feel Abs. I learned a lot from the years of being your big brother. Dealing with your shyness. I don’t tease other kids like some guys do because I know how it hurt you when we were younger.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder and read more of the speech how Tyson had dealt with us being so close then not.
We haven’t been so close in years, but we mended our relationship. We’re going to the same college so that the next four years, we can take care of each other.
I stopped reading and looked at Ty.
“Ty what are you doing?”
“Abs, I don’t want you to go away. I want you close so I can keep an eye on you. I don’t want to worry about you.”
There was more but the bulk of his story in the beginning was getting his point across to me about how he felt. I could see it. He struggled with wanting to keep his own identity but worrying about me too.
“You never really turned your back on me,” I said the words softly.
“I didn’t Abs,” he replied with an equally sad tone. “I just missed a lot because I’m dense and because we weren’t talking as much as we used to. I’m sorry. I don’t want you going away without me.”
I sighed. “Maybe it would be good for me Ty.”
He grabbed me in his arms and held me tight. I wish I had known all these years that he really had my back. I just had to reach out to him when I needed him.
“Ty,” I whispered, “I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I can’t hide behind you forever.”
My brother shifted uncomfortably. Then he looked at me. “I don’t know why you can’t.” I rolled my eyes at him which made him laugh. “All right just consider going to the same college as me.”
“I want to major in journalism. What if your college doesn’t have a strong journalism program?”
“I’ll keep that in mind when I’m looking at colleges.”
“You’re hopeless,” I said pulling out of his embrace.
“Are you okay, Abs?” He asked.
I glanced at Ty and nodded. I had survived the bullies. There were days when I didn’t think I could or would. He reached out for my arm and I jerked it back. I didn’t want him to see the faint, white lines that were barely visible now. The ones that only he knew about from previous episodes in my life where I had hurt myself to relieve anxiety. To relieve the stress of trying to be practically perfect. Self-imposed of course.
Ty was laid back exce
pt about sports. I was anxious about everything. When the anxiety became too much, I relieved it the only way I knew how. Ty was the only one who caught on, but he never told our parents.
I dropped my head so he wouldn’t see the pain in my face. I didn’t want him to see what him not speaking to me had done to me. The tiny white lines that had healed but scared were now hidden in another place where he wouldn’t see them. I chewed on my lower lip thinking about what I had done.
Tyson grabbed my arm and wouldn’t let me pull it back. I heard him breathe, letting it out in a calm, relieved long way. He thought I wasn’t or hadn’t cut. He couldn’t see my other scars. The ones I kept hidden on the inside of my thighs.
He never told Mom and Dad because I begged him not to. He knew better. He told me I needed help. I did but then he was in the thick of football season. The first season that he took the team to state. Ty was a seventh grader. He didn’t know how to handle his younger sister cutting herself so he trusted me when I said, I wouldn’t do it again.
He laid my arm by my side and took his own journal. “I’m going to shower.”
“See you later,” I replied.
I went to my window seat and plopped down on the plush cushion there with my tablet and logged into TheDystopian.com where I worked on my current story until dinner time.
Chapter 6
Miss Hillard had accomplished what she set out to do which made her happy. She wanted me and Tyson to mend our relationship. On Friday, she saw us sitting together at lunch and a big smile crossed her face. Tyson glanced at me and I shrugged. I knew why if he didn’t because I knew her story.
Cal sat on the other side of me. Occasionally he reached under the table and caressed my thigh through the fabric of my jeans. When I felt his long fingers touching me, without even looking at him, my heart slammed against my ribs. I turned my head to look at him and became mush because his eyes were locked on mine.
Then I could feel Tyson’s eyes watching us and I cleared my throat and looked away from Cal. He leaned in. “Go to the game Friday night,” Cal said.
I frowned at him.
“I want to know you are there. After the game, I’ll take you out.”
“Not going to the bon fire at Mac’s?” Aiden had heard him. “It’s tradition Cal. We always go to the bonfire after a game.”
Cal was still looking at me. “I want to spend time with my girl.”
I was surprised by his declaration of me being his girl. He hadn’t asked me to be his girl. I didn’t know how I felt about it. I was nervous around him.
Aiden got up and walked away, mumbling shit that I couldn’t hear. I guess from the frown on Cal’s face that it wasn’t good. Again, Tyson was looking at me.
“I’ll ask my parents,” I said.
“You do that. I’m not letting you off the hook this time,” Cal said.
**
That conversation proved to be awkward.
My father was home early. I hoped that I could talk to Mom privately. She was the easy one. The parent that let us get away with everything. Dad was the disciplinarian. The strict one.
I noticed that he hovered around the kitchen when I mentioned that Cal asked me to come to the game tonight. I cleared my throat that suddenly felt dry. I glanced at Dad peering in the fridge looking for a snack. Mom looked where I was looking. Then she smiled at me.
“Abby, I need to find a sweater for tonight. Would you come upstairs with me and help me pick something out?” She asked.
I was grateful to her. I hobbled after her up the stairs to her room with Dad glaring at us until we were out of site.
I sat at her table with a floor to ceiling mirror and gazed at myself. Seeing only the ugly duckling that wanted to be more. Mom walked behind me and took off the glasses that did hide a ton of my face. “Wear your contacts tonight,” she said. “You have amazing eyes, Abby.”
I looked down. “Let me fix your hair and do your make-up.” I scowled. She laughed. “I promise not to make you look made up.”
I agreed. “Can I go out with Cal after the game?” I asked.
“You were afraid that Dad would say no?” Mom asked playing with my hair.
I nodded.
“You’re almost sixteen. I think that would be okay. Be home by one. He seems nice enough.”
“He is.” I liked Cal even if I was afraid of him.
“You’re nervous.”
“I am. I’ve never had a boyfriend.” I felt my gut flip flop. “He calls me his girl.”
She chuckled. “Get your contacts. Change clothes then we’ll do the rest.”
I sighed. She wasn’t going to let me get away with the glasses tonight, so I headed to my room. I pulled my tightest jeans off the hanger and held them up to my body. They hung low on my hips and accentuated that I had a butt. I smiled at the image in the mirror.
I slipped them up my body after removing the jeans that I was wearing. I sucked in my breathe and zipped them up. Then I found a soft pink, long sleeved t-shirt that clung to my frame and showed that I had a figure beneath the clothes that I wore to school. I skipped the boot tonight. I put on my pink Vans and grabbed my contact lenses and headed to Mom’s room.
She scowled at me. “You need that boot for two more weeks.”
“My ankle doesn’t hurt at all.” That was a lie. It hurt a little.
She sighed. “All right. Just for tonight.” She smiled at me because she liked my choice of clothes. “Sit and put your contact lenses in.”
I did as she told me. First, I held my upper eyelid up and tried putting it in that way. I dropped it on her vanity. Then I tried holding my lower lid down.
“They said to look up and it would pop right in, Abby.”
She was watching me which was making me nervous. “Go sit down until I get them in.”
She threw up her hands and marched over to the bed. She glanced through her phone while I struggled with the contacts. I finally got them in.
“I’m ready for you now.”
Mom came to me and looked at my hair. “You have such lovely hair.” She sprayed two different products on it. One to lift it and one to give it shine. Then she straightened it just a little and brushed it to the side. Teasing it a little to give it fullness. Then she sprayed it which she knew I hated it. My face was scrunched up which made her laugh.
“Don’t worry it isn’t sticky hair spray. Feel it.”
I ran my fingers through it, and it did feel nice.
Then Mom turned me around on her bench and applied make up. I frowned. “Stop it.”
“What?”
“Frowning. I’m only hiding the bruise on your forehead from playing catch with Cal. A little mascara and liner. A light mauve lipstick. Nothing that is too much.”
She was almost done. “Smile,” Mom told me.
“What?”
She rolled her eyes at me.
I smiled. She dabbed lipstick on my cheeks and rubbed it in to give my cheeks some rosiness apparently. “Turn around,” she told me stepping back so I could.
I turned and gasped at the image staring back at me. Mom smiled at me. “See, I told you. Nothing dramatic but Abby, you are stunning.”
I did look pretty. “Thanks Mom.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll tell Dad about your date. You are his little girl. It will be easier coming from me.”
I rose from the bench and hugged her. “I love you,” I told her.
She hugged me back hard. “I love you too. Can we do this more often? I’ve been waiting for this.”
I laughed. “Sure, we can,” I said.
I had made her happy. Maybe I had found something that Mom and I could bond over.
When Mom found her sweater, we went downstairs to head to the game. Tyson had to be there early, so we were all going together. My brother and my father both took in my appearance.
“Wow Abs, you look different,” Tyson told me.
I wasn’t sure if that meant better or not.
I frown
ed at him.
“You look good,” he said.
“Like I didn’t look good before,” I suggested.
He shook his head at me, realizing that tonight, he couldn’t win. Dad was excited about the first game. He shooed us out the door. He didn’t want Tyson to be late to the game.
Tyson went to the locker room while Mom, Dad and I headed to the bleachers to take a seat. I passed by the cheerleaders and saw the look of surprise cross the head cheerleader, Delia Art’s face. Then she whispered to the person standing next to her. They snickered and I realized that whatever the joke was, it was about me.
Gone was the white patch on my chin. The boot on my foot. The bruise was covered by make-up. My glasses were at home and I couldn’t hide behind them or Tyson. I felt lost. I turned my head, holding it as high as I could and followed Mom and Dad.
I sat down beside Mom. She glanced at me. “Don’t you have friends you want to sit with honey?”
The only friends I had were on the football field, Cal, Tyson maybe some of their friends. I wasn’t sure yet whether Cal’s friends liked me.
“I’m fine here,” I replied. Mom wrapped her arm around me and gave me a squeeze, but she didn’t say anything else.
The boys rushed out onto the field and I saw Cal kept looking into the stand for me, I assumed. I waved and I could see that he didn’t recognize me without my glasses. He stood rooted to the thirty-yard line until Tyson hit him in the chest with a football because he wasn’t paying attention.
He grunted. I could hear it from here. He scooped the ball up and tossed it back to Tyson. They were running drills and Cal got to stand on the sideline. He ran to the fence that skirted the edge of the field. He motioned for me to join him there.
I shook my head no. Embarrassed.
He shook his head yes. When I didn’t move, he went to the gate. I didn’t want him coming up here where my parents were sitting. I didn’t want him getting into trouble either.
“I’ll be right back,” I said.
I hobbled down the bleachers and met him at the fence. The jerk was grinning from ear to ear. “What do you want?”
“You look amazing tonight,” he said tucking my hair behind my ear. “I told you that you have beautiful eyes.”