"I know, baby. I feel the same way." He pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her forehead before burying his face in her hair. His left hand, however, was tightly clenched around the keychain. "I swear I'll treasure this forever. I know what this means to you. If you ever want it back, it's yours. I'll just take it as a loan, because your heart is in this keychain, and I know that."
She laughed softly, and pulled back. "Blue. Of course my heart is in this keychain. That's why I want you to have it with you all the time. You'll always have a piece of my heart with you, the piece of my heart that I never show to anyone, the tender, fragile, hopeful piece of my heart that survived all the loneliness and darkness of my childhood."
Blue swept her hair off her face, searching her beautiful brown eyes. "Why don't you stay here?" he asked. "Why don't you accept the house? If you got a job at your old location, you could live in Birch Crossing and commute. There have to be other towns around that are close enough to commute to. You could have it all. Why don't you do that? I see how much this place means to you already." The more he said it, the more he realized it felt right. "Why do you have to give it all up?"
Chloe wrapped her fingers around his wrists, holding tightly. "If it works out that way, I might. But the thing is that I'm always at work. I would never be home when the store would be open. I know Eppie could run it, but shouldn't the store be owned by someone who could be here? If I'm an absentee owner, it defeats the whole reason that Louise wants me to run it. This house deserves to be lived in by someone who can invest in it completely. Plus, it has eight bedrooms. It should be filled with love, not a single woman who doesn't even have a dog. I can't deprive this house and the store of the life it deserves."
Blue sighed. "It makes me sad to think of you walking away from this. I know how much it means to you. "
Chloe managed a smile. "No, it's okay to walk away. I'm holding all of it in my heart, like I used to do with that dream of Paris when I was little. If you hold it in your heart, no one can ever take it away. In these last few days, I've lived my dream. I've fallen in love with an amazing man, who I know loves me, even though he won't tell me." She winked at him as she said it, laughter dancing in her eyes. She continued before he could interrupt her. "And I found a home. This way, if I leave now, it stays beautiful and intact forever. I'll always have it. If I stay, then the magic can wear off and the tarnish could destroy it." She smiled at him, that beautiful, heartfelt smile, that he would dream about for the rest of his life. "And I'll always have you in my heart. And you'll always have me."
Blue took a deep breath. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. He needed to tell her that he loved her. But how could he say that, and then walk away from her? But at the same time, she deserved to be loved. She deserved to know that there was someone out there who loved her the way she deserved it. "Chloe—"
"You have to go now, Blue," she said. "It's already been more than five minutes. You'll miss your plane. You don't want to miss your plane."
Actually, he couldn't think of anything he wanted to miss more in that moment than that damn plane. But she was right. He couldn't abdicate any more than she could. With a deep breath, he leaned forward and kissed her. He poured everything he had into the kiss. He poured his love, he poured his admiration for her, he poured a lifetime of his own pain into the kiss, and he offered what little comfort he could to take away her own loneliness. She kissed him back, a kiss so tender and beautiful he knew he would hold it in his mind forever, and, more importantly, in his heart.
After a long moment that was agonizingly brief, he pulled back, for the last time. Their gazes met, but neither of them said anything. There was nothing left to say. He took a deep breath, then dropped his hands from her face and rolled off the bed, landing easily on his bare feet.
In less than a minute he was dressed, boots on, phone in his pocket, car keys in his hand. Then in his other hand, the hand that mattered, he held tightly to the Eiffel Tower keychain. Chloe was sitting in the middle of the bed, her knees pulled to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs as she watched him. Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears, tears he felt reflected in his own heart, but that he would never be able to shed.
He knelt beside the bed and encircled her ankles with his fingers. "I have to say this before I leave," he said. "I've worked hard since that day when I was fourteen to shut myself down so I didn't feel pain. I hate emotional pain. It's weakening, it's debilitating, and it's the stuff of nightmares. But despite that, my heart feels like it's shattering into a thousand pieces as I walk out of here. I don't want to hide from this pain, because as long as I feel it, I know that you're real. I know that what we had was real. I know there's someone out in this world who sees me for who I am and loves me. I want to feel this pain every second of every day for the rest of my life, because it's better than feeling dead like I did when I showed up in Birch Crossing."
A single tear slid down her cheek, and she nodded. "Me, too."
He had to go. He knew he had to go. But he couldn't make himself stand up. "I could… I could come back and see you. The next time I'm in the States."
She searched his face. "How long until you're in the States again?"
He shrugged. "It could be six months. It could be a year. I don't know. Sometimes I just go from one assignment to another. Other times I come home in between."
She looked at him, and he looked at her. He looked at her fragile, beautiful face. He saw her delicate shoulders that had held up so much over her lifetime. He saw the loneliness that had always been a part of her life, and he knew that he would never offer her a life of even more loneliness. He would never ask her to wait for him, hoping for a night or two here or there, when she could be living a full life without him. He couldn't walk away from his job, which meant he had to let her go.
At the same moment, they both shook their heads. They both knew that it wasn't the lifestyle for either one of them. Blue took a deep breath, then rose on his knees and kissed her again. One final kiss, and then he stood up.
He walked to the door, and looked over his shoulder at her. She didn't move. She was still sitting in the middle of the bed, all alone, watching him. She smiled, a little twinkle in her eyes. "The good thing about you walking away from me like this," she said, "is that I get to check out your butt. It's a really good butt. If you wanted to send me a butt picture that I could use as a screensaver on my phone, I'd be okay with that."
He grinned then, laughing aloud. He immediately handed her his phone, then turned around, unzipped his jeans, and dropped them. "This is my Eiffel Tower keychain gift to you," he said. "I get a piece of metal, and you get my ass. I think I get a better deal personally."
She laughed, and held up his phone, snapping several pictures. "I was referring to your butt in jeans," she said, "but naked is even better." She typed her phone number into his phone as he pulled his jeans up, and he heard her phone chime over on the dresser as she sent the pictures to herself. "I promise not to post them on Facebook and tell everyone it's your butt." She held out his phone to him, her eyes dancing with merriment. "You should probably delete the pictures off your phone, though, because your manly teammates in South America might find it a little strange that you have butt selfies on your phone. Just a word of advice."
He grinned, and took his phone back from her. He deleted the pictures, but before he shut off his phone, he held it up, framing her face and shoulders in the lens. She giggled and pulled the sheet up over her breasts. "No booby pics for you," she said. "Who knows who could get their hands on those?"
"How about a smile, then?" he asked.
She cocked her head and gave him a brilliant smile, the only sign of her sadness being the single streak on her cheek from the tear that had fallen a moment ago. He took a picture of her, capturing the moonlight illuminating her face, with that single tear streak easily visible. He shoved the phone in his pocket, walked over to the bed, grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into his arms.
One last kiss. One last kiss. So many final kisses, but he knew this one was really the last one.
Then he turned and walked out.
At the bottom of the stairs, he paused and looked up. Chloe was looking around the corner of the door, the sheet still clutched to her chest, sadness and longing etched on her face. He tightened his grip on the keychain, and blew her a kiss. She nodded once, and then he turned and walked away.
It was the hardest damn thing he'd ever done.
Chapter 24
It was almost eleven o'clock at night by the time Chloe drove up to her house after driving to northern Maine and back. She pulled into the driveway, and leaned on the steering wheel, staring up at the pitch-black house. Not a single light was on. Every window, dark. It looked sad and lonely, nothing like how she'd been thinking about it all day while she'd been driving.
She was exhausted, but suddenly now that she was home, the thought of walking into that house and being all alone felt overwhelming. She hadn't realized how much Blue's presence had filled it, along with Eppie and her crew.
Not that she had anywhere else to go. This was all she had right now. This was her home.
She took a deep breath, grabbed her purse, and got out of the car.
Her shoes were almost silent as she walked up the front steps. She noticed the pink flowers on the bushes around the front door, and thought of Blue. Her heart tightened, and tears brimmed in her eyes.
When she'd left the condo she'd shared with Ronald for ten years, she'd felt loss, but it didn't compare to the emotions roiling through her as she walked up the steps, knowing Blue wouldn't be there.
Silently, she slid her key into the lock. It turned easily, and she let herself into the little shop. The moonlight cast silvery brightness into the corners, and she saw that the displays had been rearranged. A bouquet of wildflowers sat on the glass display case and there was a small envelope beside them.
Her heart leapt, she tossed her bag on the knitting table as she ran across to grab the envelope. Blue. She knew that he'd come back. He brought her flowers. She ripped open the envelope, greedily scanning the lines, but her heart sank when she saw Eppie's beautiful cursive, telling her all about the fantastic opening day of the Knitting Well. They'd earned over a thousand dollars, offered refreshments and other incentives that had used some of their earnings, and arranged for five artists to begin displaying their work.
Chloe sank down onto a nearby chair, reading the letter again. Eppie's enthusiasm was evident, and Chloe felt the strangest sense of loss that all that had happened without her being a part of it. Between Blue and the Knitting Well, all the life and energy of the house was gone. She'd missed it. She'd missed her chance with Blue, and she'd missed her chance to launch the store that meant so much to so many people.
She folded up the letter and set it on the table, looking around the small store. It was so homey and decorated with warmth, but at the same time, Chloe felt distant from it, like she was on the outside looking in. It was the same way she had felt so many times, when she'd walked down the streets at night, looking in the windows of all the homes, all the places where family gathered, places that she would never be invited to, that would never feel like her home.
She knew then, that she would never be able to take the Parkers up on their offer to buy the house. This wasn't where she belonged. It wasn't her world, and it wasn't her place. She realized then that maybe she wasn't ever destined to call a place home and be immersed in it. Maybe her job was simply to be a facilitator to make that happen for other people.
Which was okay. Someone needed to be there to help other people. Why couldn't it be her? That was valid, a beautiful thing. Right? But it felt empty in her heart. She'd spent her whole professional career trying to build lives for other people, and she'd gotten an immense amount of satisfaction from it. But now, it didn't feel like enough. It just felt like a gaping, empty wound in her heart.
She heard a car door slam outside, and again, her heart leapt. She jumped to her feet and raced over to the window, then her heart sank when she saw Emma get out of a white SUV.
For a moment, Chloe considered retreating into the main area of the house, and pretending she was already asleep. But as she watched Emma hurry up the walkway, she didn't want to turn her away. Tonight, she didn't want to be alone.
So when Emma knocked lightly against the door, Chloe walked over and opened it.
Emma grinned at her, her blond hair up in a loose ponytail. She was wearing flip-flops, baggy white sweatpants, and an old tee shirt that had paint splotches on it. She looked completely natural, happy, and at peace with who she was. "Hey, girl," Emma said, cheerfully. "I thought you might still be up. Can I come in?"
Envy flickered through Chloe, envy for how at peace Emma seemed, but she nodded. "Sure. I just got home. I'm heading to bed in a couple minutes, though," she added, to make sure she had an excuse to bail if she needed one.
"No problem. I bet it was a long day." Emma slipped in past her, flicking on the light as she walked in. As Chloe closed the door, Emma held up a stack of documents. "The Parkers sent a signed purchase and sale agreement for the house. They're charging you a hundred dollars for the whole place. Can you believe it? Eppie sent them pictures of opening day today, and they said that all that matters is that you have this place, and that the love that kept it going for so many years continues to fill it. Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever heard?"
Chloe stared at her, her throat tightening up. "They really said that?"
Emma nodded. "Yep. Of course, they're correct. There's no one better suited to bring life to this place than you." She sat down at the table, and set the document down. "If you're ready to sign, Harlan will stop by and notarize it for you in the morning. How great is this? I'm so thrilled for you. We can be neighbors, the way we should be."
Chloe reluctantly sat down across from Emma, her hands clenched in her lap to keep from reaching for the paper. "You can ask me how the interview went today."
Emma's eyebrows shot up. "It's six hours from here. That's too far. It doesn't matter how it went."
Chloe's fingers bunched even tighter. "Ask me how it went, Emma."
Emma set the pen down, and folded her hands on the table in front of her. "How did the interview go today, Chloe?"
"I got the job. They called me on the way home. They want me to start on Monday."
"Wow." Emma studied her. "That doesn't surprise me, because you're amazing at your job. But you don't look all that happy."
Chloe's gaze flicked to the contract, and then back to Emma. "They have so many kids in the foster system up there. They have so little resources. It's such a sad situation."
"Oh." Emma took a deep breath. "And you need to fix it. You need to help every one of those kids."
Chloe sighed. "They need an advocate. They need someone who will fight for them. I could do that for them."
Emma leaned forward. "I have a couple questions for you, first. Indulge me?"
Chloe nodded, even though she was tired, so tired, and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. But at the same time, she couldn't bear the thought of going up the stairs and sinking into that bed alone. Even dealing with Emma's interrogation was better than going upstairs into the dark mausoleum of her bedroom.
"How many foster kids have you actually placed in permanent homes over the years?"
Chloe blinked. "I helped a lot of them…"
"How many did you actually make the dream come true for?"
A feeling of despair came over Chloe. "Maybe one a year. Maybe two. Our whole office I think placed five per year."
"And how many of those kids would still have been placed with those same families, if someone besides you had been handling that case?"
Chloe tensed, realizing that the truth was, all those adoptions would have gone forward even if someone else had been managing it. "So now you're trying to tell me that I have no value? Is that what you mean?" The thought of it made her want
to cry. All she had wanted to do was spare children from the fate that she had suffered. Had she not even been able to do that?
Emma sighed. "No, you goofball. I'm telling you that you're selling yourself short by thinking that's all you have to offer. There's so many social workers, and they can all handle the adoption opportunities that come their way, right?"
Chloe shrugged. "I guess so."
"But how many of them have your heart? How many of them care like you do? How many of them have been through the same trenches as those kids, and gotten out on the other side, and created an amazing life, with a heart that still loves and sees beauty in the world? How many of those social workers are like you?"
Chloe dragged her gaze off her hands and looked at her friend, something pulsing in her heart that she couldn't identify. "I'm the only one who was a foster kid, at least that I know of."
"So what could you do for those kids, that none of those other social workers could do?"
Chloe shrugged. "Understand them? Connect with them? That's why I do it. I feel like even if I can't give them a forever home, I can at least make them realize that they're not alone. I want to show them that there's a future ahead of them, a future that they can frame for themselves. That's what I want to do."
Emma smiled, a triumphant smile that Chloe didn't quite understand. "And what do you think a house with eight bedrooms, that was designed for love and family, and owned by you, could do for those kids you want to help?"
Chloe stared at her, an idea forming in her mind that she'd never once thought of before. "You think…" She couldn't even say it. "I don't know anything about having a home. I wouldn't know how to be there for them in that way."
Emma leaned forward, her face softening. "Sweetie, all you need to know to help those kids, is to listen to your heart. I didn't know anything about being a mom when I adopted Mattie and Robbie. I had already fallen in love with Mattie, but we both know that I had met Robbie only twice. I didn't know anything, not a single thing, about how to be a mother to a fourteen-year-old boy who had lost everything, including faith in the world. Right?"
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