by E. L. Todd
I rested my face in my palms as I processed what he said.
“I know you don’t like her but you don’t know her the way I do. She really is a good person despite her past. She did her best to raise me and take care of me when my father was…in his own world. I know she feels terrible for what happened to you. She tells me all the time…”
I couldn’t move because I was so tense. I could hardly think because everything was crashing down on me. She had cancer. She was going to die. She was diagnosed four months ago before she contacted me. That wasn’t a coincidence.
Levi wiped his tears away then stood up. “I should get back to the hospital. I just wanted to tell you. If you want to say goodbye, don’t wait. You might not have that luxury.” He headed to the door.
“Levi?”
He stopped and looked at me, his eyes still red.
“What hospital is she in?”
***
I found her room but didn’t walk inside. I remained in the hallway, staring at the room number next to the door. Nurses passed in the hallway with charts under their arms. A patient coughed down the hall. The distant sound of beeping from a machine came into my ear. It was oddly quiet but not quiet at all.
Levi stood beside me, his eyes on me. “Are you going to go in?”
I was numb everywhere. I didn’t know what I wanted.
Levi took a seat near the door and didn’t say anything else. He didn’t pressure me either way.
I stood there for ten more minutes as I tried to sort out the zillion thoughts going through my mind. I hated this woman. She dropped me off on the sidewalk and drove away. I was perfectly entitled to turn my back on her now.
But I couldn’t.
I remained in the same spot, trying to understand exactly what I was feeling. There was guilt deep inside. There was pain. And there was something else but I couldn’t tell what it was.
Levi leaned his head against the wall and wiped his eyes every few minutes.
I stared at the door handle and tried to decide what to do. I could walk away and forget about this. She wouldn’t know that I even came here. She would finally be out of my life and I would never have to think about her again. But I couldn’t walk away. Knowing she was in there barely clinging to life…hurt me.
Why?
I turned the handle and walked inside.
Levi immediately turned my way, like he was just as surprised that I took the final step.
I stopped when I was inside the room. It was dark and all the windows were covered with shades. The TV was on in the corner but the sound was off. The distinct sound of a respirator came into my ears. The beep of a monitor played as well.
I approached her bed and stared at her. Her eyes were closed and a breathing mask covered her face. Oxygen flowed into her body, allowing her to breathe when she couldn’t do it on her own.
Then she opened her eyes.
She didn’t react at all, like I wasn’t actually real. She stared at me like I was an illusion, something she conjured from her own imagination. She didn’t blink like she was afraid I would slip away the second she closed her eyes.
The monitor kept beeping.
I slowly approached the bed, suddenly aware of my own body. I felt solid and hard, like her impending death made me feel more alive. There was a chair at her bedside, probably where Levi had been sitting. I lowered myself into it.
She turned her head and continued to watch me. Her eyes dilated in reaction, like she was starting to question her sanity. Was I real? Was I not real? What was worse?
“Mom, it’s me.” My voice cracked as it emerged from my throat. It was the first time I called her that since I was a child. Any other time I referred to her by her first name. I wasn’t even sure why I said it.
Her heart rate increased on the monitor.
I stared at her and didn’t know what else to say. “I’m real.”
She slowly grabbed her mask and pulled it down her face.
“Don’t.” I reached for it, knowing she needed it to breathe.
She swatted my hand away. “It’s okay, Arsen.”
I returned my hand to my knee. She looked thin and lifeless. Her breathing was labored and heavy. She always looked sickly but now she looked practically dead. “Levi told me you have lung cancer.”
She nodded. “I quit smoking years ago but I guess that wasn’t enough.” She coughed into her hand. “And Levi wasn’t supposed to tell you I was here. He promised me he wouldn’t.”
“Why didn’t you want me here?” I swallowed the lump in my throat because I wasn’t sure if I wanted the answer.
“Because I’m not your problem, Arsen.” She stared into my eyes like she wanted to treasure them for eternity. “You shouldn’t be here. You’ve suffered enough. I don’t want you to go through this.”
“Levi said you were diagnosed four months ago but never said anything…”
She just stared at me.
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“Levi has done more than enough for me. Treatment for cancer is expensive. My insurance wouldn’t even cover five percent of it. I would never put that on him.”
“You found me after you were diagnosed…” I couldn’t put my words into a question. There was no way the two events weren’t related. “Were you going to ask me?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I wanted to make things right with you before I died. I didn’t want to leave this earth without at least trying. You needed to know how sorry I was…that I really did love you even if I didn’t show it.” Her eyes welled up with tears. “I wish I could have been a better mom to you. I really do…”
My eyes stung with tears.
“When I realized you would never forgive me…I let you go. At the time I was just hurting you. You have your own family now and you didn’t need my love anymore. I missed my chance.”
Like a damn holding in too much water, I started to break.
“I would have come back for you, Arsen. But Levi’s father…wouldn’t let me. He said you weren’t his problem and he wouldn’t provide for you. And even if he did, I knew he would always treat you like some stranger living in the house. I knew you were better off without that prejudice.”
I rubbed my palms together because I didn’t know what else to do.
“But I know nothing changes the fact that I did leave you…I really thought I was doing the best thing for you. Look at you now. So successful and strong…I’m so proud.” She coughed into her hand then pulled the mask over her face so she could get enough oxygen. When her breathing returned to normal, she pulled the mask away. “You don’t have to stay, Arsen. You have every right to feel the way you do.”
I remained by her side. My heart was breaking in two and I didn’t understand why. So many things were going through my mind and I couldn’t comprehend them. Blinding pain stretched everywhere. Suddenly, my hand reached for hers and I grabbed it.
Her eyes turned to me, and the emotion within started to blossom like a flower. A coat of moisture developed in the eyes so similar to my own. Even though she had no strength left, she squeezed my hand slightly.
“I forgive you…”
She closed her eyes and two tears streaked down her cheeks.
“I forgive you, Mom.”
She reached for both of my hands and held them in her own. “My baby…” She cried freely, trying to breathe at the same time.
Then I started to cry. “I’m sorry I was so mean to you…”
“Don’t apologize. Please don’t apologize.”
“I was just so angry and hurt…I felt like you never wanted me.”
“I did, Arsen. I always did.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the cancer? I have money. We could have gotten you treatment.”
“No.” She shook her head slightly. “I would never take anything from you, Arsen. The last thing I wanted you to think was I just wanted something from you. I couldn’t risk letting you ever think that. All I wanted was
you—nothing else.”
The tears fell down my face. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She kept her hands in mine. “This is what I wanted. I wanted you to believe that I loved you. And now I got my dying wish.”
That made me cry harder.
“Come here.” She opened her arms.
I moved into her embrace and felt her wrap her arms around me. I cried into her chest like I never did as a child. It was the first motherly affection I ever received. Ryan and Janice were parents to me, and as much as I loved them, they could never be what I was really missing.
“I love you, Arsen.” She stroked my hair.
“I love you too, Mom.”
Chapter Eleven
Skye
I paced the entryway, feeling my heart move into my stomach. My life was a living nightmare and I kept waiting to wake up so it would be over. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why didn’t I just believe Cayson was telling the truth?
I lost everything.
Cayson knocked on the door when he arrived.
I put on a nice dress and curled my hair. I wore make up even though I hardly wore it anymore. Looking pretty wouldn’t fix anything but it was worth a try. I unlocked the door then opened it.
He wore running shorts and an old t-shirt, but he looked handsome like he always did. His hair was a little messy like he’d been working hard all day. He stared at me without reacting. A few days ago we made passionate love and everything was right again. But now it was like it never happened. “I’m here to get my things.”
I stepped aside and allowed him to enter.
He walked inside then looked around. “It’s okay for me to go in the bedroom?”
“Cayson, it’s your house. You can go wherever you want.”
“It’s my house, huh?” he asked. “Because I don’t have a key.” The jab was subtle but it was still painful. He headed to the stairs.
“Please…”
He stopped and looked at me, pain and irritation written all over his face. “This is why I sent Slade. I don’t want to make this more difficult for you. Maybe you enjoyed keeping me on a string for two months but I don’t enjoy doing it to you.”
“I didn’t keep you on a string.”
“It sure felt like it.” His stare was ice-cold.
“Cayson, I said I was sorry. I’ll do absolutely anything to make this right. Just name it.”
“There’s nothing you can do,” he said quietly. “Which is why it makes it a million times worse.” He stepped toward the stairs.
“I love you,” I said desperately. “You love me. That’s all that matters.”
“It didn’t matter when I said those very words to you,” he hissed. “You still kicked me out and filed for divorce. Skye, you didn’t threaten me with divorce. You actually did it. Your father set the divorce papers on my desk and watched me sign them. That’s how far you were willing to go because you couldn’t believe a damn word I said. There’s no coming back from that.”
“For us, there is.”
He put his hands on his hips. “You think I enjoy this? You think I’m not in as much pain as you are? Believe me, when I married you this is not at all what I expected to happen. I wish I’d never gone on that stupid trip. I wish that things were different. I wish I slept beside you every single night and woke up to you in the morning.”
“We can have that, Cayson. We can.”
“But not after what happened. I don’t feel the same way anymore. I don’t trust you, Skye.”
“Then let’s rebuild that trust. You forget that I was willing to work on our relationship when I actually thought you cheated on me.”
His eyes widened. “And you’re forgetting that I refused to confess to something I didn’t even do. Even then, you still didn’t believe me.”
“I know…I’m sorry.”
“I’m tired of hearing that word. It’s totally meaningless.”
“Not when I say it.” I’d be willing to sell an organ just to get him to give me another chance. That’s how desperate I was.
“Skye—”
“Cayson, we love each other. The bottom line is, we love each other.”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“It’s more than enough for us.” My eyes watered. “It’s all we need. We can make this work. Please, Cayson. I know you love me. I know I’m the love of your life. You’ll never find anyone else that you feel this way about.”
“You’re telling me something I already know.”
“Then stay. Please…just stay.”
He shook his head. “It’ll never be the same.”
“It will. Just give me a chance. Give us a chance.”
“No.” He stepped toward the stairs.
“Cayson, please.”
He stopped on the bottom step and looked at me. “I need to get my things. And I’m getting them one way or another. Maybe I should call Slade and have him do it because I’m obviously not going to get anything done.”
I approached the stairs and looked up at him. “Cayson…”
“What?” he asked irritably.
I stepped closer to him then moved my hands up his chest. I was almost to his lips when he pushed my hands away.
“Don’t touch me, Skye. I’m not yours to touch.”
“You’re always mine to touch.” His rejection hurt badly, more than I expected. “Just like I’m always yours. You told me when I finally realized you were telling the truth you would forgive me. You said that to me.”
“Yes, and I will,” he said quietly. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll take you back. One day, we will put this behind us. We need to be a team for our son. We need to respect each other and be partners.”
“Or better yet, we should work on our marriage.”
“Skye, our marriage ended the moment you called me a liar.”
I tried not to cry but I was struggling.
Cayson turned back to the stairs. “Maybe you should go to your parents while I grab my things…”
“No…” I sat in the entryway and leaned against the wall. “I know you won’t leave this place. You’re angry and upset, but when you go through all your things and leave the home we made together, I know you’ll change your mind. There’s so much to fight for. I know you won’t give up.”
Cayson stopped on the stairs and turned back to me. “Skye, that isn’t going to happen.”
“Yes, it is…”
***
Cayson went up and down the stairs as he hauled everything to his truck. Without looking at me, he came and went. He grabbed his clothes, his shoes, and other things he brought along. He even took one of the desks in the office. He took everything that was his before we moved in together.
He took it all.
After he finished with the last box he stopped in the entryway and looked at me.
The tears burned behind my eyes. “Don’t leave me.”
“I’m sorry.” He wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
“I know you love me…”
“Of course I do.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “But that isn’t enough anymore. You pushed me too far this time.”
“Please…” I’d never begged so much in my life.
“I’m sorry.” He headed to the door.
“This is it?” I asked with a voice full of tears. “This is how it ends?”
His hand rested on the door handle. “No, it ended the moment I cried in front of you and promised I was telling the truth. That’s when it ended.” He opened the door and walked out. He didn’t bother to shut it behind him.
***
Dad came by later that night. “How are you?”
I was lying on the couch with a blanket covering me. “Fine…”
Dad sat beside me then patted my knee. “I’m here if you want to talk.”
“Cayson got the rest of his stuff today…he moved out.”
He stared at the floor with his arms resting on his knees.
Dad remained silent.
“Please fix it…help me.”
He closed his eyes like it was the most painful thing I could have said. “I tried, pumpkin. I spoke to him but it didn’t make a difference.”
“He didn’t listen to me either.”
“You know what I think you should do?”
I was open to anything at this point. “Hmm?”
“Just give him some space. Don’t call or stop by. He’ll clear his head on his own.”
“You really think that’s what I should do?”
“Yes,” he said quietly. “I know things will work out between you. But let him cool off for a little bit. I don’t blame him for being so upset.”
“He’s been mad at me before…but he’s never wanted to leave me.”
“He’ll come around.”
“Dad?”
“Hmm?”
“Don’t let him divorce me. I know you have the papers…”
He gave me a sad look. “I’ll do everything I can to stall as long as possible.”
“Thanks.” That was the only good thing I had going on in my life right now. And that was pretty pathetic.
Chapter Twelve
Theo
It was my first date with Dee.
I was actually going on a date.
Like, a real one.
I was really moving on with my life.
Before I left the apartment, I changed my outfit three times. The first one looked too formal and the second one looked like we were having dinner at a hotdog stand. I eventually decided on dark jeans, a gray t-shirt, and gray jacket. It was casual but not too casual.
I hadn’t been on a date in so long I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing.
After I arrived at her door, she stepped out wearing jeans and a black leather jacket. It was skin-tight and fit her curves perfectly.
Good thing I didn’t overdress. “Hey, what’s up?” I spit that out because I was nervous.
“Nothing. You?” She smiled and played along.
“So…hungry?” I tried to play it cool but I was struggling. Did she realize how nervous I was?
“Always. What did you have in mind?”
“There’s a new French place just a few blocks over.”