by E. L. Todd
Slade turned to me for an answer.
I nodded but couldn’t found the strength to speak.
“Okay.” He set the folder aside and gave us his full attention. “I have some good news but I also have some bad news.”
There is something wrong with me. My biggest nightmare was coming true. Slade squeezed my hand in comfort but it wasn’t enough.
Dr. Ridley continued on. “Mrs. Sisco, your test results were fine. There are no complications. Your ovaries are viable and healthy, and your uterus is a very hospitable environment.”
“What?” I blurted. “There’s nothing wrong with me…?”
“Nope.” Dr. Ridley gave a slight smile.
Slade brushed his thumb over my knuckles. “I told you everything would be okay.”
“But…what about the bad news?” I asked.
Dr. Ridley looked at Slade. “I’m afraid your results weren’t quite as positive.”
Slade flinched and his thumb stopped brushing across my knuckles. He stared at the doctor and swallowed the lump in his throat. Neither one of us expected the problem to be with him. It was a shock to both of us.
Dr. Ridley continued speaking. “You have a low sperm count and poor motility. In lame terms, your sperm are unable to reach the egg to fertilize it.”
Slade stared at him and remained silent.
I couldn’t believe this.
Dr. Ridley stared at us like we might say something.
I squeezed his hand and supported him, telling him I was there without my words.
Slade’s hand became ice-cold.
Dr. Ridley cleared his throat. “Fortunately, this isn’t something that can’t be overcome. You can continue to try and get pregnant. It’s possible to make it happen. I’ve seen it before—several times. But if you don’t want to wait for that to happen organically there are other options. All we need to do is fertilize the egg in a petri dish then insert it into your uterus. Your pregnancy will be normal. There are other options as well if you’re interested.”
Slade still hadn’t said anything.
Dr. Ridley watched us patiently. “Would you like some time to digest this?”
“Yes, please,” I said quickly.
“No…” Slade slowly stood up and stared at the ground. “I…I have to be somewhere.”
“Slade?” What was he doing? “Wait, don’t run off.”
“I have to go.” He turned around and walked off.
“Slade?”
He walked out and didn’t look back.
I remained rooted to the spot, unsure what to do.
Dr. Ridley gave me a sad look. “It would upset anyone.”
I grabbed my purse and phone.
“He’ll come around, Mrs. Sisco. Please return when you’re ready to move forward.”
I didn’t say goodbye as I took off and chased after Slade.
Chapter Seventeen
Slade
I sat in the living room and blended in with the darkness. All the blinds were closed and none of the lights were on in the apartment. Neither one of my parents had come home from work yet.
I was the problem.
I couldn’t give Trinity kids.
It was me.
When I left the clinic I automatically ran here. I didn’t put any thought into my actions. Instead of running to my wife or Cayson, I immediately came here. I didn’t appreciate my childhood until it was over, and when I reflected on it I realized it was pretty incredible. I always felt safe. I always felt loved.
Perhaps I could feel that way now.
The front door unlocked and swung open. Dad was whistling a tune as he tossed his keys and wallet on the counter, in the exact place Mom hated. She always moved his stuff to the other table, but he continually placed them in the same spot. And they’d been doing that since I was old enough to form a memory.
Dad stopped whistling when he realized I was there. “Slade?”
“Hey, Dad…” I stayed put on the couch.
He immediately knew something was wrong. He lowered himself to the spot next to me and watched me closely. “What is it, Son?”
I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was pathetic.
Dad continued to watch me.
I wanted to speak but I feared what would happen if I did. The tears were behind my eyes and I felt them burn with every passing second. I wasn’t the crying type and never had been. But this…killed me. I couldn’t break down in front of anyone, especially Trinity. I was supposed to be her strong husband but I was just a weak excuse for a man.
I couldn’t even get her pregnant.
“Slade?” Dad said quietly.
The tears started to emerge. I could cry in front of my father because…I just could. He loved me no matter what, and despite my shortcomings he never thought less of me. He was my best friend besides Cayson, and I…just needed my dad. “We got our results back from the doctor.” I sniffed and wiped my tears away.
Dad listened.
“And…I’m the reason we can’t have a baby. I have lazy sperm or some shit like that.” I looked down and covered my face with one hand. “I can’t give my wife children. I’m officially useless and pathetic. I let her down.”
Dad put his arm around my shoulders and leaned close to me. “Slade, it’ll be alright.”
“She’s going to leave me…”
“No, she’s not,” he said calmly.
“This is the one thing she wants and I can’t give it to her.”
“There are other ways to make it happen.”
“But that’s not the point,” I snapped. “There’s something wrong with me. I’m not masculine enough. My sperm are all fucked up.”
“Low sperm count has nothing to do with masculinity.”
“Yes, it does. I can’t knock up my wife. If that doesn’t make me a pussy then I don’t know what does.” I kept crying and wished I would stop. “I’m such a loser…she shouldn’t have married me.”
“That’s not true. You’re a fine man and amazing husband.”
“Shut up, Dad.”
He didn’t flinch at the insult. “You and Silke were a mistake.”
“What?” I sniffed loudly.
“We weren’t trying to get pregnant when we had you.”
“Um…are you trying to make me feel better?”
“My point is, it happened because we weren’t trying. You probably have low sperm count because there’s so much pressure on you. Stress can mess up the body.”
“Don’t make excuses for me and my shitty sperm.”
“This doesn’t define you as a man.”
“You didn’t see the look on her face before we went to the doctor. She cried because she was so scared something would go wrong. And it did go wrong—with me.”
“You’re being way too hard on yourself, Slade.”
“I’m absolutely useless…she’s more attractive than me, more successful, and she’s more intelligent. Now I can’t even give her children. What the hell does she see in me?”
“An incredible man.”
I managed to stop myself from crying but my eyes were still wet. “I may as well remove my balls. It’s not like I’m man enough to have them anyway.”
“Slade, stop. You’re having a pity party for yourself and it’s not getting you anywhere.”
“Well, this is going to destroy my marriage. She’ll always resent me for this.”
“You act like you don’t know your own wife. Slade, she loves you for you. If you can’t give her kids, there are other ways to make it happen. You’re being way too hard on yourself.”
“Dad, what if you couldn’t give Mom the one thing she wanted more than anything?”
He didn’t answer.
“Well, that’s how I feel right now. I promised to make her happy for the rest of her life. And I’m failing.”
“Slade, you will work around this.”
His empty words meant nothing to me. “Can I crash here for a while?”
“L
ike, for the afternoon?”
“No, for a few days.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You belong at home—with your wife.”
“I don’t want to see her right now. Actually, I don’t want her to see me.”
“That isn’t how marriage works, Slade.”
“I just need some time. I can’t look her in the eye right now. I’m so…ashamed.”
Dad sighed and looked at the ground. “You’re always welcome here. But keep in mind that Trinity needs you. You’re one person, so when you hurt she hurts too.”
I stared at my hands.
“You’ll get through this, Slade. I promise.”
That seemed so unbelievable.
Dad wrapped his arms around me and hugged me like a child. I was a grown man but feeling my dad’s embrace was exactly what I needed. I leaned into his shoulder just the way I used to when I was little. Somehow, I felt safe there like everything might be okay…eventually.
For a second, I forgot how I let my wife down.
Chapter Eighteen
Trinity
Slade wasn’t taking my calls.
And I couldn’t find him anywhere.
He wasn’t at the shop and he wasn’t at Cayson’s place. Those were the two most obvious places he would visit. But he wasn’t at either one. Then I thought of his parents. I’d be surprised he went there because the subject of his sadness but I didn’t know where else to look.
I banged on the door louder than I meant to. I was panicked and scared. Why did Slade run away from me like that? Why did he push me away? He said we were in this together but then he turned his back on me.
Ryan opened the door, and judging the look on his face he wasn’t surprised I was there. “You doing okay?” He pulled me in for a hug then patted my back.
“I’ve been better but I’m worried about Slade. Is he here?”
“He’s in his old bedroom.” He dropped his embrace but remained in front of me. “I know this is a problem between husband and wife but…I think you should give him some space.”
“Why does he need space at all…?” I couldn’t hide the hurt in my voice.
“He’s ashamed, Trinity.” He put his hands in his pockets. “He’s been moping around the house and listening to music in his room. He’s just…sad.”
I lowered my gaze and felt my heart break. “Can I talk to him?”
“I’m not going to stop you,” he said. “But don’t expect anything. It’s one of those things that just takes time.”
I nodded then headed to his room. I knocked lightly on the door but there was no answer. When I cracked it, I saw him lying on the bed with earplugs in his ears. He was listening to music with his eyes closed.
Seeing him trying to get lost in another world broke my heart in a way I couldn’t explain.
I stepped inside and shut the door behind me. Then I sat on the bed beside him.
The second he felt the bed shift he opened his eyes. When he looked at me, he wasn’t happy to see me. His face didn’t react at all. He slowly pulled his earplugs out of his ears and sat up.
I stared at him and waited for him to speak first.
He remained silent.
“Slade…it’s okay.” My hand moved to his shoulder and I leaned close to him.
Slade moved from my embrace. “Trinity, I just want to be alone right now. I’ll come home in a few days.”
I lowered my hand even though his rejection stung. “You can talk to me.”
“Actually, I can’t even look at you.” He kept his gaze away from me.
“Don’t shut me out…”
“I’m not. I just…want to be alone.”
“You’re never alone, Slade. The moment we got married solitude ended. Now we go through everything together. That’s what it means to be in a marriage. Please talk to me.”
“Like I know anything about marriage. I don’t even know how to be a good husband.”
That didn’t make any sense. “Where are you getting that from? Just because you have a low sperm count?”
“Because I can’t give you kids. What kind of man am I?”
“The doctor never said you couldn’t give me kids. He just said it’s unlikely. And there are other ways to make that happen.”
He still wouldn’t look at me. “I’m supposed to make love to you in our bed, not have someone cut you open and pull an egg out of you just so it can get fertilized. I’m supposed to get you pregnant on my own, and you’re supposed to pee on a stick then cry when it says it’s positive. This is not how it’s supposed to be.”
“Nothing is ever what it’s supposed to be…”
He closed his eyes.
“Slade, this doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
“It should.”
“What about everything you said before we went to the doctor?” I demanded. “You said we were in this together. And we are in this together. I love you no matter what. We will figure this out.”
“You deserve someone better than me…”
“But there is no one better.” I moved closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder.
He didn’t reject my touch.
Then I circled my arm around his waist. “Slade, don’t push me away.”
“I never thought I would be the problem…”
“I know.”
“And I know how important this is to you. I feel like I let you down.”
“But you didn’t, Slade.”
“I’m not giving you a fantasy. I’m giving you doctor visits and surgical procedures.”
“Slade, I don’t care what it takes to make a baby. All I care about is having that baby. That’s all that matters.”
“I feel like a lesser man.”
“You aren’t.”
“You deserve someone perfect…I’m nowhere near it.”
“I’m definitely not perfect, Slade.”
He released a sarcastic laugh. “You best me in every category.”
“You have a much bigger heart than I do. When everyone thought Cayson was a cheater, you stood beside him. When Skye was all alone in that big house, you took care of her. You’re the sweetest and kindest man I’ve ever known. Don’t question your worth because of this.”
He stared at the opposite wall.
I grabbed his face and slowly turned it toward me.
He allowed me to do it.
I forced his gaze on me and pressed my forehead to his. “We’re going to be okay, Slade. Don’t push me away. That’s the worst thing you can possibly do.”
Slade wrapped his arms around my waist then moved me to his lap. He pulled me against his chest and rested his face in the crook of my neck. He held me quietly as he ran his hand down my back. He didn’t say another word as he held me there.
I knew there was nothing I could say to make this better. He was heartbroken and devastated. All I could do was hold him until he was ready to let go.
Chapter Nineteen
Arsen
Mom fell asleep eventually, and her respirator provided the adequate oxygen she needed to get by.
I sat at her bedside, staring at her fragile body. I felt both relieved and devastated. I’d been carrying the weight of my grief for so long. It took so much time and energy to hate someone, to live in constant regret. But now I’d absolved her of her sins.
Finally, I let it go.
But now I was broken. I’d wasted so much time being upset with her. If I’d given her a chance, she would have had more time. But now…it was too late. I would never know her. There wouldn’t be enough time to exchange enough stories to make a new picture of her.
I’d missed out on so much.
And I said so many terrible things. If Abby told me she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me, I wasn’t sure what I would do. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself without my little girl.
I hoped I never felt that kind of pain.
Levi came in while she was sleeping. He didn’t make conversation with me.
Instead, he just watched her for a few hours, grief written all over his face. He was losing his last parent and there was nothing he could do about it. Eventually, he left the room and headed to the cafeteria for dinner.
Silke called me but I texted her and told her I was in the middle of something. I wasn’t ready to talk about this—not even with her. There were too many emotions running through my body for me to explain to another person.
Mom eventually woke up. She stirred in the bed then rested her eyes on me. Surprise was there, like she thought I would have left by now. She pulled her mask down then coughed loudly. “You’re still here…”
I held her gaze and said nothing.
“Levi?”
“He just left to get something to eat.”
“Good.” She adjusted herself in the bed and looked at the time. “You should go home to your family, Arsen. It’s getting late.”
I didn’t move from my chair.
Mom stared at me for a while, like she was trying to memorize my face. “You’re so handsome…just like your father.”
“Thanks…” I still had no idea who he was.
Her hand moved on top of mine.
I let the touch linger. “Mom…I wish I knew you better.”
She managed to smile. “I’m not that interesting.”
“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”
“Well…I got out of my old profession when I met Levi’s father. He was rough around the edges but he was a good man. He changed my life for the better. He showed me that I was worth more than I gave myself credit for. He got me to quit smoking too.”
“Well, he sounded nice…”
“I was very sad when he passed away. And Levi took it hard.”
Levi wasn’t tarnished with the darkness like I was. He was much different than me.
“Levi is a beautiful person,” she said with a raspy voice. “You really should give him a chance. He’s all you got left now.”
Her words stung. “You aren’t gone yet.”
“But I don’t have much longer.” There wasn’t any fear in her eyes. She accepted her death with a brave face. “You two are both amazing men. I think you’ll find what you’re missing in each other. Promise me you’ll give him a chance.”