by E. L. Todd
Slade finally turned toward me. “I guess that’s true…”
“And when she’s pregnant, you’ll get her ice cream and anything she wants. You’ll rub her back when she’s sore. And you’ll make love to her even more because you won’t be able to resist her when she glows.” I was drawing on personal experience and that made me a little sad.
Slade nodded. “You’re right. I may not be able to get her pregnant but I can be awesome in other ways.”
“Exactly.”
“I can wait on her hand and foot and treat her like a queen.”
“You already do that so I don’t see how you can improve…but sure.”
“You’re right, Cayson. My infertility isn’t my fault. But I can make up for it in other ways.”
He didn’t need to make it up to her but I didn’t correct him because he seemed to be in a much better mood. That sadness had finally disappeared and his shoulders didn’t slouch so far. “See? Everything is better now.”
“Yeah.”
“So, cheer up. Now you and Trinity are finally going to have a baby.”
“Yeah…” His eyes grew distant again. “I’m going to be a father.”
“A great father.” I clapped his shoulder. “We both will.”
He nodded and had a bounce in his step. “So…how are you?”
“Fine.” I had an apartment all to myself, and I spent every evening watching TV alone. Things could be better.
“You look depressed.” Slade didn’t have a filter and said things he shouldn’t.
“Angry—I look angry.”
Slade clenched his jaw like he was about to launch into a speech.
“Let me stop you before you start. Nothing about Skye. That was my condition before I let you walk in.”
“But this is stupid, Cayson. I know you’re angry right now and that’s the emotion that’s driving you forward. But eventually, that rage is going to pass and you’re going to live in regret. Dude, the most important thing is love, and both you and Skye have it. As long as you love each other, you should make it work. No one cheated and no one lied. You need to stay together.”
I looked away because I didn’t want to listen to this.
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Is this a job interview now?”
“Answer the damn question.”
“I don’t know…”I scratched the back of my neck. “I’ll still be working at the CDC, I’ll have a five year old son so he’ll be starting kindergarten, and…you and I will still eat at Mega Shake all the time.”
“What about your personal life?”
I shrugged.
“Are you married? Are you seeing someone?”
Honestly, I couldn’t picture myself with anyone. Despite how angry I was at Skye, I couldn’t see myself moving on. I didn’t owe her anything and I was free to do what I wanted but…it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want her because I was angry. But that didn’t mean I wanted anyone else. “No.”
“And why not?”
“I just don’t.”
“Wouldn’t you rather be a family? Wouldn’t you want to come home to your son every day instead of trading off weekends with him?”
“I don’t feel the same way toward her anymore.” That was the hard truth.
“But you still love her.”
“That’s not enough, Slade.”
“It is enough. That’s what you don’t understand. Maybe you don’t trust her now and feel resentful but that will fade. I promise. If you move back in with her and take it slow, I promise you’ll be head over heels for her like you’ve been since your dick got hard for the first time.”
I was still head over heels for her. How could I not be? Love isn’t the issue. How many times did I have to say that? “Slade, I know you mean well but you really need to stay out of it.”
“I’m not staying out of it,” he snapped. “I know what Skye did was wrong and she’s a huge pain in the ass. Most of the time she’s on her high horse and thinks she can get away with anything. I’m not going to sit here and tell you she’s some angel who can do no wrong…” He rambled on about how annoying and prissy she was. He went on several different tangents. “When we were five, she told me gasoline was drinkable. So when I got gas with my dad I tried it. Not only did it taste like shit but my dad whipped my ass hard and good—”
“Slade?”
“Hmm?” He turned to me and looked irritated that he’d been interrupted.
“Did you have a point to all of this?”
“Oh…” His eyes scanned back and forth as he tried to figure out how to get back on course. “Right…my point is Skye is the woman you love. Despite her flaws, she’s the one to you. It doesn’t matter how mad you are. That fact will never change. So, you need to let this go.”
“Actually, I don’t need to do anything.”
He jumped to his feet. “Cayson, look around you. You’re in an enormous apartment all alone. This will be your life until you die. You’re really that upset that you’d doom yourself to a lifetime of misery?”
“I won’t always be miserable…” That didn’t sound convincing, even to myself.
“Well, one day Skye is going to move on and snatch a husband. They’ll spend every holiday together while you crash with Trinity and I. You’ll see how happy we are and wonder what went wrong for you. Dude, I’m looking into a crystal ball as we speak. Just forgive her.”
Now it was my turn to stand up. “You have no idea how this feels and you never will. As my best friend you’re supposed to be on my side—”
“I am on your side. I proved my loyalty to you a million times over.” He stuck his finger in my face. “Do not give me that shit.” He sighed then shook his head like he was irritated. “I really hope you pull your head out of your ass and just let this go. Otherwise, you’ll be a bitter old man.”
“Maybe I’ll get remarried. Maybe I’ll fall in love again.”
Slade released a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, man.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Arsen
The monitor beeped every few seconds.
The respirator released a light whistle as the carbon dioxide was released.
The light would flash every time her blood pressure changed.
Like a statue, I sat at her bedside and didn’t move. She’d fallen asleep and Levi and I didn’t want to wake her up.
Levi sat on the side of the bed, his chair pulled up to her. He watched her face like it was the last time he’d ever look at it. He hadn’t changed his clothes and hardly left the room. There were no tears on his cheeks but the emotion shined deep in his eyes.
I rested my hand on hers and noted how cold her skin was. It was icy, like winter morning. The veins in her arms were noticeable. Her skin was baggy from constant sun exposure and the damaging effects of smoking. She was already a corpse that was barely alive. Death began to creep into the room. It was visible in the shadows and the subtle shift in the air.
I could even smell it.
“I know I shouldn’t say this…” Levi’s voice trailed away.
My eyes moved to his face.
“I resent her for not telling me…I resent her for not letting me help her. Things could have been different.”
I understood why she held her silence. She should have fought for her life instead of letting it slip away, but I understood why she chose this path. Levi never would. “I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could say.
“Now I don’t have any family in the world…” His eyes moved to her face, and the distant gleam of tears could be seen if I looked hard enough.
“You have me.”
There was a moment of hesitation before he turned his eyes back to me. Uncertainty shined in his eyes, like he wasn’t sure if I really said those words or if I was truly sincere when I said them.
“I’m not much,” I whispered. “But I’m better than nothing.”
He held my gaze, a rush of
emotions deep within. “Much more than nothing, Arsen.”
We made eye contact for another moment before we both looked away. My eyes trailed to my mother, the woman barely holding onto life. Things could have been so much different if I just found the strength to forgive her. My life would have been so different if I just found that grace. But now it was too late.
The monitor made a noise that I hadn’t heard before. A green light flashed and her blood pressure decreased.
Levi noticed the change too. “Should we get a nurse?”
“I don’t know…”
Mom jolted awake, her eyes snapping wide as she took a deep breath like she was gasping for air. Alarm was written on her face, but her body was so exhausted it didn’t cooperate in the same way.
This was it.
The monitor kept beeping.
The nurse ran into the room, followed by the doctor. They both came to her side and immediately began working. Medical lingo was spoken back and forth to each other and meds were ordered.
Mom raised her hand with what little strength she had. “Just let me go…”
The nurse and the doctor froze.
“Let me go…” she repeated. Her hand moved to mine and she grabbed it. She grabbed Levi’s with her other hand.
“She’s DNR,” the nurse said as she whispered to the doctor.
He nodded and they both left the room to give us privacy.
I knew this moment was going to happen, but now that it was here I wasn’t sure what to do. I couldn’t handle it. It was too hard.
Her eyes shifted between us, treasuring us as the last sight she’d ever see.
Levi couldn’t keep his emotions in check anymore. Tears fell freely down his face. “Mom, I love you. You were such a good mom.”
She couldn’t speak. All she could do was stare.
Somehow, I managed to stay strong. Crying would just make her feel worse. She was on the verge of the unknown, a cliff face into death and beyond. There must be so much fear in her heart. “We’ll see each other again.” I wasn’t religious or believed in divine intervention, but I had to believe she and I could start over…somehow. We should get a second chance.
Her blood pressure fell further and her heart rate spiked. The monitor went off and never stopped. Her eyes grew heavy like she couldn’t keep them open much longer.
This was it.
Levi moved closer to the bed, still crying. “Mom, we’re right here. You aren’t alone.”
“We’re here,” I whispered.
She looked at us one final time before her eyes closed for the last time. She took her final breath then lie still. The monitor flat-lined and silence filled the room. Her blood pressure reading disappeared because it could no longer measure it.
Just silence.
The pulse in her hand disappeared, and her skin felt even colder. A sudden stiffness overtook her body. The room was dark because the sun hadn’t risen yet, but now it seemed like the sun would never rise. Eternal night had taken over.
Something broke inside me. The finality of the situation flooded my senses. She traveled to a place where I couldn’t follow. I apologized for the harsh way I pushed her away, but those were just words. I never had a chance to take her to the zoo with Abby. I never had a Christmas with her. I forgave her, but I never got to show it. All I did was show her how much I despised her. I only forgave her when it was too late.
Tears filled my eyes and my chest cracked as it tried to heave. My body couldn’t handle everything it was feeling. All my life I’d only known pain. People always came and went. No one ever stuck around. Now I felt alone all over again. If I’d given her a chance months ago maybe things would have been different. Maybe I could have gotten her treatment and saved her.
But that didn’t happen.
Levi pulled his hand from her cold hand and covered his face as he sobbed to himself. Neither one of us were the kind of men to break down in grief like that, but every man had a breaking point.
We both reached ours.
Tears fell down my cheeks and my head pounded from the stress on my body. Levi’s sobs echoed loudly in the room, reverberating off the walls and the tile floor. Darkness crept into my heart, and a little piece of my soul died.
I pulled my hand away because I knew it wasn’t the same anymore. Mom was gone, and now all that remained was her body. Seeing her lying there so helplessly, prematurely leaving the world was too much to bear. Death crept further into the room.
Levi managed to stifle his tears but a few still streaked down his cheeks. Unable to compose himself, he breathed hard and tried to fight the pain.
I was in so much pain. But I was also numb.
Levi took a deep breath and silenced his final tears. “I’ll make the arrangements…”
“Did she have life insurance?”
“I doubt it.”
“I’ll split everything with you.”
“You don’t have to—”
“She’s my mom too.” Only when she was gone did I have an affinity for her. Why did I wait so long? Now I would never walk through the park with her. I could never take back every terrible thing I said. I apologized to her, but was that really enough?
Levi didn’t argue further. “Well…thanks.”
“Yeah.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my forearm.
Levi stared at the floor for a long time, like he didn’t want to move.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do either.
Finally, he rose from the chair and looked at Mom for the last time. “I guess…I’ll talk to the doctor.” He put his hands in his pockets and walked out.
The shadows stretched.
I couldn’t look at her again, not when she wasn’t there anymore. The pain was too agonizing. I rubbed my palms together just so I had something to do. Then I left the chair and approached the door. My eyes couldn’t look at her face, not when she was just a corpse. “Good bye, Mom.”
When I stepped into the hallway Ryan was there. He was pacing back and forth and rubbing the back of his neck at the same time.
I stood there and watched him. Instead of saying something so he knew I was there, I didn’t move. My voice had left me. My body couldn’t respond.
When Ryan turned he spotted me. He halted in mid-step and watched me with sad eyes. Then he slowly approached me, the same look of devastation written all over his face.
Instead of hugging me, he gripped both of my shoulders. “My dad passed away from cancer.”
I never knew that.
“I’m here for you—in every way imaginable.” He held my gaze with a fatherly look, like it broke his heart to see me in such pain. He was the only person who ever looked at me that way. “There’s nothing I can say to make this better. I can’t fix it like everything else. But you aren’t alone. And you’re never alone.” He squeezed my shoulders before he pulled me into his chest. He hugged me just the way he hugged Slade. One arm moved across my back and his other hand rested on the back of my head.
I closed my eyes and let him support me. Ryan had always been my crutch, the one man I could rely on no matter what happened. He loved me unconditionally. And that love was stronger than anything I’d ever known. He adopted me into his life and gave me purpose. He was my father in every way but blood.
But he couldn’t fix me.
He couldn’t erase the regret.
He couldn’t take back the mistakes.
He couldn’t remove the guilt.
Because all of that was my fault.
***
Ryan dropped me off at home and made sure I got inside. He walked me all the was inside before he left, like he thought I might leave and run off somewhere else.
The house was dark and quiet. It was almost six in the morning so my girls were still sleeping. I walked into the living room with my hands in my pockets. The house I lived in was beautiful and perfect for raising a family.
But my mom never got to see it.
The sound of moving blan
kets fell on my ear. My eyes immediately went to the couch, and when I peered down I noticed Silke. She sat up, her hair messy and her eyes lidded from sleep. She immediately turned my way and sadness came into her eyes when she saw me.
I stared at her but didn’t say anything.
She read my look so easily. She knew exactly what happened without asking a single question. She rose to her feet wearing pajamas I never seen her wear then moved into my arms. Her arms circled my waist and she rested her face against mine.
I returned her embrace and held her. Despite the fact Silke was the love of my life, I didn’t feel anything when I touched her. I was too numb. Even she couldn’t break through the pain in my heart.
Silke cupped my face and kissed me gently on the lips. “I’m so sorry, Arsen.” She held my gaze as she said it, and distant tears were deep within. Her fingers moved through my hair in an attempt to comfort me.
“I know.”
She rested her forehead against my lips and closed her eyes.
I stared out the back window and watched the sun rise in the distance. Splashes of pink, purple, and blue filled the sky. It was a new day and that should be a beautiful thing.
But all I saw were shadows.
***
I didn’t talk for days, not even to Silke. Abby must have known something was seriously wrong because all she did was look at me. Perhaps Silke warned her I wasn’t in the right state of mind.
I didn’t even go to work because I didn’t see the point. The shop was pretty low-key and it wasn’t difficult to manage. I had a feeling Ryan took care of things while I was on hiatus.
While I slept in the same bed with Silke, we didn’t touch. Silke usually comforted me in some way or another, or I turned to her when I needed comfort. But now I was just as distant with her as I was with everyone else.
But she didn’t try pushing me. She didn’t try getting me to open up. She just left me alone—which was the smart thing to do. My feelings were too complicated to explain to another human being. While Silke understood me, she would never understand the extent of my suffering. I was dealt a very poor hand of cards in life and that hand kept getting worse and worse.