by E. L. Todd
And that was why I couldn’t be with her.
When she came on to me, I thought she just wanted a fling. Like all the others, we would spend a night fucking before I got bored with her and kicked her aside. But when she said she wanted to cultivate a relationship before sex, I realized I’d completely misread her.
And I felt like an idiot.
I didn’t want to walk away the way I did. But I didn’t want to give her a reason to call me. I pushed her away so she wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
Because I knew I would struggle to stay away from her.
The Grind didn’t serve the best coffee. It was mediocre and overpriced. But I went just to see her. I liked talking to her, flirting back and forth. She had a warmth to her that immediately pulled me in.
I loved the curves of her body and the way her lips tasted. I’d thought about fucking her for the entire date. I fantasized about all the different ways I’d make her come around my dick.
I still wanted to fuck her.
But I never could. She was unattainable. She would ask me for something I could never give her, and not just her but anybody. It could never happen, not unless she suddenly changed her mind about what she wanted.
But that would never happen.
I respected her, and I really liked her. I suspected that fondness would never go away. There was a connection between us, one I couldn’t deny no matter how hard I tried. And because of that, I couldn’t go out with her brother when she would know exactly what I was doing. It made me feel guilty in a way I’ll never be able to explain. “Let’s stay here. We can go out any other time.”
Axel stared at me suspiciously because I’d never said anything like that in my life. “What?”
“It’s Thanksgiving, man. It can wait.”
“I said we would go after dinner.”
“It’s still rude.”
Axel caught on to my thoughts. “Do you have a thing for my sister?” His friendly attitude completely evaporated. My friend was replaced by a territorial and protective brother. His nostrils flared and his horns emerged. “My sister isn’t the kind of girl you’re looking for. She’s not an easy lay. She actually has some class. And I’ll punch your teeth out if you try anything.”
I could never tell him that I already dated her. “No, I don’t have a thing for her.”
“Then why don’t you want to go?”
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Let’s go out later.”
“Why are you being a pussy right now?”
He wasn’t going to let this go until he got his way. “Fine. We’ll go.”
“Good.” He clapped my shoulder. “I need to get laid tonight. It’s been like a week for me.”
“Good to know,” I said sarcastically.
***
Yaya and Francesca cooked Thanksgiving dinner and refused to let Axel and I help. When Axel talked to me at the table, I found myself tuning him out and watching Francesca move around the kitchen. She wore skinny jeans and a loose green sweater. It fit the contours of her body, and I remembered the way her tits felt in my hands.
She had a nice rack.
My eyes struggled to pull away because she kept my focus even when she didn’t do anything to get it to begin with. She was a natural.
We finally sat around the table and Yaya said grace. Then we dug in. The food was amazing like I expected it to be, and I couldn’t tell whether Yaya or Francesca was responsible for it. Probably both.
Francesca sat across from me, so I was forced to look at her beautiful face even though I probably would have looked anyway. Her green eyes were constantly bright, and they reflected her mood. They reminded me of the trees just outside the window, thick and green. Her pale skin didn’t seem tinted by the sun, but it was beautiful nonetheless. My eyes kept moving to her lips. I wanted to part them with my tongue and get her to say my name.
After dinner was finished, we all helped with the dishes and put the leftovers away. When we tackled everything as a team, it wasn’t difficult to complete. Francesca and I brushed up against each other numerous times, and every time that happened, my cock twitched.
I wanted her.
We sat in the living room and watched TV in comfortable silence. Francesca read the book she was reading the night before. It was something from Oprah’s book club. Whenever she was deep in the story, her facial expressions would change slightly. Her eyebrows would move, and sometimes, the corner of her lips would rise. She turned the pages quietly, licking her fingers as she did it.
I didn’t watch the TV once.
At some point in the evening, Yaya went to bed. Then Axel followed afterward. Before he left, he gave me a warning look that clearly said his sister was off limits.
I nodded my understanding.
Axel went upstairs and shut his bedroom door.
Francesca kept reading like she didn’t notice that her family went to bed.
“Do you like it?”
Her eyes darted to mine like she’d just been pulled from a faraway place. “Sorry?”
“Your book. Do you like it?”
“Oh…” Her flustered look disappeared. “Yeah, I do.”
“How far along are you?”
“About halfway. I don’t have time to read as much as I would like so this is a great opportunity.”
“I’m surprised you can stay awake with all that turkey we just ate.”
She chuckled. “Reading puts some people to sleep. It has the opposite effect on me.”
I didn’t read much. It was never a hobby of mine. “I’ll have to hit the gym twice as hard on Monday.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah…you really need it.”
When I came out of the bathroom with just a towel around my waist, Francesca practically drooled all over me. Her eyes were glued to my chest, and she lost her train of thought as she continued to pound on her brother’s door. “If I want to make an impression, I have to keep it up.”
Her eyes moved back to her book. “You make an impression anyway, Hawke.” Her brown hair moved over one shoulder, and it shined as the light from the fire fell on it.
The TV faded to the background. I wasn’t even sure what was on. “Thank you for dinner. You did a great job.”
“You’re welcome. I wish I could cook all day instead of going to class.”
“Then why don’t you?”
She shrugged. “I’m almost done with school anyway. I might as well get my money’s worth and finish.” She closed the book and set it aside like she didn’t intend to read for the rest of the night. Her nails weren’t painted like most other girls I knew. They were plain.
“I suppose.”
She rose from the armchair then sat on the sofa next to me. “Are you having a good time?”
“I am.” I was suddenly aware of how close we were to each other. All I had to do was lean over and pull her jeans down slightly, and I would get what I wanted. Francesca was an innately sexy woman. She was beautiful without even trying. “Are you?”
“Yeah. Anytime I’m home with my family I’m happy.”
There were some obvious people missing. It was clear her parents were no longer in the picture, but I wasn’t sure what happened to them. Axel never mentioned it, and of course, I never asked. Sensitive feelings weren’t discussed between two dudes. “What happened to your parents, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Her expression didn’t change at all. She kept the same calmness like I didn’t hit a nerve. “They passed away when I was young. Yaya took over and raised us.” She didn’t elaborate further.
“Yaya did a great job.”
“Yeah, she’s pretty amazing. She’s lost so many people, but she’s so happy all the time. She’s been a good influence on Axel and me.” She still didn’t tell me what happened to her parents so I assumed she didn’t want to talk about it. She turned her green eyes on me, and there was hesitation deep within. “Did your parents pass away as well?”
I held her ga
ze as I tried to think of a response. I didn’t like talking about my personal life or myself. It went against everything I believed in. It was easier to keep everyone at bay than to let them in and see who I was and where I came from. “No. They went on vacation together.”
“Oh…” Francesca couldn’t hide her surprise. “Well, that’s nice. Where did they go?”
“The Caribbean. Axel invited me along so I wouldn’t be alone.”
“I’m sure you’d rather be in paradise instead of here.” She released a quick laugh.
“No, not at all.” I held her gaze as I said it. Being there, hidden away from everything else, was exactly what I wanted. Going fishing in the morning and experiencing that quiet companionship was a nice break from my life of solitude. Francesca was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a girl friend.
Axel’s footsteps were heard on the stairway, and a moment later, he appeared in the living room. He stared at both of us on the couch, and accusation moved into his eyes.
“I was just telling Francesca that my parents are in the Caribbean.” When it came to Axel’s protective side, it was best to speak first.
He relaxed slightly as he adjusted the watch on his wrist. “Ready to go?”
I forgot about our plans.
“Where are you two going?” Francesca asked.
“Out.” Axel didn’t look at her. “Let’s go.”
“Can I come?” Francesca asked.
No. That would be more awkward.
“No, brat,” Axel said. “We’re headed to the bar and don’t need a crow to scare all the sparrows away.”
“I’m not a crow,” Francesca hissed.
“You sound like one,” Axel shot back.
I didn’t know how to get out of this. The guilt was eating me alive. If I went out with Axel, Francesca would know how much of a pig I was. I had every right to do whatever I wanted but…I didn’t want to do it. Not in front of her. “Axel, I’m not feeling well…” I rubbed my temple like I had a migraine. “Go ahead without me.”
That look of accusation was back. “Then take some ibuprofen.”
Francesca watched our interaction.
“We’ll go out tomorrow.” I would make an excuse then too. “After fishing all morning and dinner…I’m just not feeling it.”
Axel wouldn’t say anything in front of his sister, but it was clear he wanted to. “Well, I’m going out. I’ll see you in the morning.” He grabbed his keys from the door then walked out. He didn’t slam the door but it was clear he wanted to.
I turned back to Francesca and tried not to stare.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Because I have some aspirin.” The concerned look on her face somehow made her more beautiful.
“Don’t worry about me.”
Francesca rested her hands in her lap and fidgeted quietly.
Now it was awkward, and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to go out with Axel because I knew it would make things more strained between us. But making up an excuse to stay there seemed to make it just as uncomfortable.
“My brother told me to stay away from you.” Instead of looking at the opposite wall or the ground, she looked at me. She never seemed nervous around me. Nothing could intimidate her. “He said you were a bad guy.”
Her brother did the dirty work for me. “And he’s right.”
She didn’t react overtly, but a small look of disappointment was in her eyes.
I knew it hurt her when I didn’t call her for a second date. The look on her face when I walked away from her on her doorstep would be forever ingrained in my mind. I knew there were still feelings on her part, as there were on mine. “I’m the type of guy you hate. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear from the beginning.”
She searched my eyes like she was trying to find something. She did that often and I wasn’t sure why. “I don’t hate you, Hawke. And you’ve given me no reason to.”
“I beg to differ. I completely misread you when we met. I’m sorry my stupidity caused so much awkwardness.”
“But you didn’t misread me,” she said. “I came on a little strong…because I really liked you.”
My heart accelerated in my chest.
“And I don’t blame you for getting that impression. It’s easy to misinterpret my forwardness for sluttiness.”
I wish she were slutty. “I’m glad we were able to work this out.”
She nodded. “We’re both adults. At least now everything makes a little more sense.” She held my gaze for a moment, her green eyes as vibrant as a freshly mowed lawn in the heat of summer. “So…you never have relationships?”
“No.” I said it without hesitation.
“Never?”
“Never.” I looked her in the eye as I said it. She needed to understand that would never change.
“So you just…hook up with women and never call them again?”
“No.” I was never dishonest. “We usually go out for a few weeks, and then I stop calling because I get bored.”
She didn’t flinch at my bluntness. “But doesn’t that get boring?”
“No.” Having any type of relationship wasn’t an option for me.
Pity moved into her eyes. “It sounds lonely…”
Loneliness was all I’d ever known. “It can be…but I like it that way.”
She shook her head slightly. “Why?”
Why? That was a question I could never answer. It didn’t matter who asked it. “Because.”
Sadness was plastered all over her face. “Are you going to keep doing this until you find the right girl?”
“I’ll never find the right girl. Even if I found her, I wouldn’t want her.” I’d never talked about this so deeply with another person. When all the others asked about it, I didn’t even answer them. I let the silence stretch on.
“My brother does whatever he does…but I know he has relationships also.”
“And that’s him, not me.” Why did she keep pressing this conversation? Did she want me to change? Did she think she could get me to change? “I’m not good for you, Frankie. I don’t know how many different ways I can say it. If you’re looking for Prince Charming or a knight in shining armor, he’s not me. I’m dark, cold, and distant.” Laying out the truth like that didn’t make me feel better, but it would make her understand that I would never change—even for her.
“I believe you.” There wasn’t sadness in her eyes like I expected there to be. There wasn’t even judgment. “I just…feel a connection between us. I can’t explain it… Do you know what I’m talking about?”
I did. I felt it the moment I met her. It was why I couldn’t stop going into The Grind even though I couldn’t stand the way her friend Marie gawked at me every two seconds. I saw a vision of our wedding reflected in Marie’s eyes. But I came back to see Francesca. And when she finally made it clear she wanted meaningless sex, I was very happy…but then I was wrong about that. “I guess.” Downplaying my feelings was all I knew.
“We both want different things and there’s nothing wrong with that. If that’s how you want to live your life, I won’t think less of you. And I want a husband with kids someday, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. You shouldn’t think less of me.”
“I don’t.” She’d never done a single thing to make me think less of her. In fact, I thought the world of her.
“I would love to be friends—real friends. No more creeping around the truth. Just honesty. It saves time.”
She didn’t think I was a disgusting pig? She just accepted me for who I was? She didn’t try to change me? It was that easy? “I would love that.” It was the only thing I could offer her other than fucking her a few times until I lost interest. In a way, this was better for both of us.
“Then you should go so you can catch up with Axel.” That look of disappointment I expected to see wasn’t there. “You don’t have to stay here just because of me. You don’t owe me anything.
”
For the first time, I didn’t want to go out to a bar and pick up a girl. I didn’t want to take her to a hotel and fuck her a million ways. Actually, I wanted to stay there while the fire burned in the hearth. I wanted to look at the beautiful woman next to me and talk to her.
I wanted this—friendship.
Stabbed In The Heart
Hawke
Cynthia lay next to me on the bed. She snuggled into my side like a teddy bear and gripped me tightly. Her hand rested on my stomach and she sighed deeply every few minutes.
I didn’t like being touched.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” she asked in a raspy voice.
I didn’t mind doing back-to-backs, but I wasn’t feeling it with Cynthia. The sex was mediocre and I didn’t want another round. “I have plans.” I slid out of her embrace then sat at the edge of the bed. “You should get going, Cynthia. I have to work in the morning.”
She sat up with an offended look in her eyes. “What about after work?”
“Busy.” I grabbed her clothes from the floor and handed them to her. I told her exactly what this arrangement was, and I was irritated that she was trying to make it into something more. And I was even more irritated that she was acting like I was the bad guy.
“Are you always a dick?”
“When I’m treated like one.” I pulled on my boxers then checked the time. It was almost eleven.
She released an irritated sigh before she started to get dressed.
“Would you rather I lie to you? Would you rather I woo you then blow you off?” Lying to get into a woman’s pants was low. I had a few friends who did it on a regular basis, but they didn’t understand just how painful that was for the girl they left behind. I chose to be upfront about my intentions, right from the beginning. But somehow, I was an even bigger ass because of it.
“Shut up.” She chucked my alarm clock at me.
I caught it in midair then put it down. Her anger was starting to boil. She wasn’t getting her way and she didn’t like it one bit. She’d grown attached to me in our short time together, and she expected me to fall for her exceptionally good looks, soft hair, and her beautiful legs.