by David Scott
The unexpected tragedy had been good for business, with relatives, journalists and television crews all flocking to the scene. There was only one room left, a twin, so they booked it for the week. Luke and Dan were both positive thinkers, and quickly agreed this could work nicely, not only for budgeting reasons, but also so they could create a case room and discuss immediately any ideas they might have.
No matter how many times they went over the events leading up to the ferry killings, they were still no further forward; the truth was that they were both at a complete loss.
Dan watched Luke as he peeled an apple with his compact army knife. He could not remember the last time that he had seen someone who could be bothered or have the patience to actually do this, especially since it was also now commonly understood that the skin was very nutritious for you. The perfect green spiral spun downwards, pleasingly intact. Luke was obviously well practised at this.
The sun shone through the motel room’s windows, across Luke’s face. Even the sun wanted to touch Luke, and caress him with its warmth. Luke stared hard at the apple, his tongue sticking slightly out from the side of his mouth as he concentrated on finishing the task at hand.
Dan found himself smiling, enjoying the simple spectacle. Perhaps he would enjoy watching Luke do anything, he thought to himself, fully aware of his attraction and lustful longings. It is easy to look at something beautiful. To be captivated by desire. Beauty has a long and proven record of making people go mad, acting as a muse for artistic genius, or creating slaves out of infatuated suitors.
Dan knew it was more than that. His whole being longed to be with Luke. It was easy to understand his lust, but he could not explain the knot in the pit of his stomach when Luke was not there. Or why his thoughts would turn to loving touches, holding hands, long embraces, stroking his hair. That was not physical desire. It was a need to be with him, for closeness. Maybe the beginnings of love? Was that possible after such a short time? Dan had never felt like this before.
It also felt so wrong to be thinking like this after the horrors they had seen. But Dan couldn’t help it. He was only human, and his mind kept returning to obsess over these happier thoughts, no matter how many times he tried to restrain himself. Dan felt guilty, and wondered whether he was properly focused on the case. His inner voice reassured him that it was not good for him to spend every waking hour thinking about murderers and death; it was good to have a break from the violence. The evil had to be tempered, otherwise it might consume him too. This was a convenient answer which Dan readily accepted.
Dan’s meditation was interrupted by his subject.
“Want some?” Luke asked casually, having slicing the apple into pieces, and holding a segment out in his hand towards Dan.
“After all of that effort? I don’t think I could deprive you of even one mouthful.” Dan replied, trying to be funny.
The problem for Dan was that he was not naturally witty, and his efforts at humour often fell flat. Except Luke seemed to get him. And laughed at the right moments, like now.
Luke gently tossed the apple in the air towards Dan. At first, Dan thought he might catch it in his mouth to impress, like a performing seal might to with a fish. He immediately thought the better of it, securing the slippery fruit in his hand instead.
Dan ate it quickly, suddenly recognising his own hunger. The apple was sweet and the water from it burst refreshingly into his mouth. Dan liked the thought of swallowing something that had been in Luke’s hands, like a teenager might keep the straw used by their schoolboy crush or take a sip from the same part of the glass used by someone they fancy. Dan felt a bit silly, recognising this guilty pleasure.
“Well, I guess that is me set for the day. The miraculous, stomach-filling apple!”
Dan’s stomach let out a loud groan, demanding something more. He blushed with embarrassment, always uncomfortable with any bodily noises. Luke noticed, but quickly filled the silence.
“Hey, why don’t we go to the bakery down the road and grab something to eat? We could get out of this room for a while. Maybe sit in the sun by the lake? I could do with some fresh air. What do you think? You’re the boss.”
Dan looked around the drab room with its faded brown curtains, off-cream carpet, and decades-old purple, floral bed linen. He had grown quite fond of it, now he and Luke had spent a deal of time in it together. It was the setting for many of Dan’s fantasies. Luke calling him in to the shower, cold at night and wanting to get under the covers with him, gentle tugging under the bed clothes, pressing desires against the creaking wooden desk. Not that any of them had happened, but there was now an easy association.
At the same time, it was sunny outside, and the air was stale. He also didn’t want Luke to think of him only in this dirty old room, lying on an aged bedspread. It was a good idea. It wouldn’t have mattered if it wasn’t. The fact Luke had requested it was enough.
“OK, let’s do it.” Dan said cheerily, “I’ll just grab my wallet, and we can get out of here.”
Luke sat up quickly, back straight, arms stretching out behind him, resting his weight on his hands.
“No, it was my idea, so it will be my shout. I insist.”
Luke seemed so enthusiastic. Excited even. Dan hoped it was not because Luke just wanted to get away from him or create some distance by being out in public. He sat contemplating this, as Luke sprung off his single bed, pulled his shoes on, and found his shades. Luke’s dark curly locks styled, with natural grease, swept from his face, his tanned skin and aviator sunglasses, finished the look. Dan looked up at him, as though admiring a model on a billboard.
“Come on then! Let’s go.” Luke said, looking at him eagerly, like a young puppy desperate to go for a walk; he almost expected to see a rapidly wagging tail. Dan raised an eyebrow at him, not having moved at all.
Dan sighed, suddenly feeling old, and a little ashamed. How could he think for one minute that someone like Luke could possibly show any sort of interest in him? This was all just an act to impress and get on-side with the boss.
Dan stood up and stretched out, not noticing that Luke was watching him just as keenly. He bent over to put on his old, brown brogues; too lazy to undo the shoe laces, he tried to force his heel in. This only served to bend the back lip of the leather, so he raised his foot up towards him to try to finger in his heel, like a make-shift shoe horn. Dan stumbled as he tried this, losing his balance and falling onto Luke, whose reaction immediately saved him from any further embarrassment. They both stayed in hold for a moment longer than necessary, enough for Dan to feel the warmth from Luke’s solid torso. The heaving of his chest. His sweet apple breath. Dan blushed from the embarrassment of the unexpected closeness. His face went soaring red. Dan was sure this was painfully noticeable, and this made his colour deepen even further. He tried to steady himself.
“Sorry about that Luke. That will teach me not to undo the laces.”
“That’s ok, Chief. As you said, I am here to provide you with support after all. I just hadn’t realised you meant it literally.”
Luke let out a light laugh, to break the tension. Dan nodded, and smiled awkwardly, but said nothing, grabbing the room key and getting outside as soon as possible to end his humiliation.
The small bakery was full of people on their lunch break, queuing to get a midday treat to see them through the rest of the day; succouring sweet energy from squishy buns or supping more caffeine for a short-lived high.
Dan hated shops like this. Not because of the offerings or even the crowds, but it was too hot. The stifling, dry heat of the ovens out back was easily defeating the brave ceiling fan, that was tirelessly circulating, spinning in a battle it could not possibly win. But at least it kept trying. Dan could already feel himself starting to overheat. Why had he wore a blue shirt? The constant enemy of the slightly larger man prone to sweat, with their dark armpit shadow army belying a lack of hygiene.
Dan’s eyes moved from Luke’s slender neck to the row of cakes
. So many different types were on offer, ranging from chocolate eclairs, strawberry tarts, raspberry fancies and custard slices to the ubiquitous selection of muffins and tray-bakes. Dan could have eaten any of them, they all looked so delicious, but he suddenly felt the cut of his belt and forced his attention elsewhere. Had he practised restraint in previous situations then he may not have that extra layer sitting atop of his abs, which a doctor recently assured him still existed, hibernating under a blanket of fat for the winter.
During his time at the academy, Dan had been quite the sportsman. He used to enjoy looking at his strong physique in the full-length gym mirrors. That was in the past. Now, he looked away, as there was nothing nice to see. Seductive sugar had been his mistress for too long.
Luke was watching him, admiringly.
“So, what will it be Chief? Sandwich and cake?”
Dan did not want Luke to think that he was greedy or unhealthy, and so he chose the turkey salad on rye, holding the mayo. No cake, even though he was desperate to try some. This was as bland and unappetising as Dan could imagine, but looking at Luke, it was an easy choice.
Dan looked around, as he shuffled from foot to foot. He wiped his brow and quickly glanced at his armpits. A couple of dark blue spots had appeared. Thinking about it made it worse. He blew air upwards towards his brow in a vain attempt to cool it. Luke noticed.
“Why don’t you wait out front?” Luke suggested, noticing Dan’s discomfort, “It is really crowded in here, so it would probably make sense.”
“Ok, thanks Luke, if you don’t mind?” Dan said, as he took his wallet out and proffered a twenty-dollar bill, “Here’s some money.”
“Please, this is my treat. I would really like to buy you lunch.” Luke said, almost pleadingly, “You wait outside and I’ll be with you in a moment.”
Luke stretched out his dark, hairy, muscular arm, and held Dan gently by the wrist to stop him from advancing the money. Dan’s pulse raced, and he felt sure that Luke would feel his heart rate quicken. Dan did not want to move. He wanted to feel Luke’s touch for as long as possible but he knew he couldn’t linger, so he nodded, smiled, and left.
Dan was relieved to be outdoors again. A cooling breeze gave his cheeks a cold kiss, refreshing his lungs. It licked away the salty sweat beads from his brow and left him feeling relieved. He held out his arms and let the air dry his blue shirt, which was desperate to betray him. The last thing he wanted was for Luke to see him all sweaty from the heat. An unattractive sight for anyone, especially when you are eating.
Luke came out of the shop with a large brown paper bag. He almost skipped up to Dan and seemed really happy with himself. He pulled his shades down from his dark curls.
“Shall we?” Luke said, pretending that he was going to link arms with Dan, but quickly drawing away and laughing, knowing that Dan would not be amused.
They walked at a leisurely pace. They were quite close and their arms occasionally touched. Neither of them moved away.
Being in public, with people around them, Dan knew that he couldn’t talk about the case. Frankly, that was all that they had talked about for most of the time, so it was a guilty relief to have a break from it.
Given the horrific nature of the crimes and the importance of catching the killer, Dan expected himself to automatically turn his thoughts towards the case. But he didn’t. All he could think about was Luke.
Luke seemed quite comfortable just walking in silence. Dan, however, felt a bit awkward. He was not easy with small-talk but that was all that was appropriate, at least for now, and he didn’t want Luke to think that all he could talk about was the case.
“So, what got you into baseball, Luke?”
Dan disliked sports, and found them difficult to talk about, but he knew that Luke was interested in baseball. It was a decent starting point.
“Me and my mom used to go when I was young. I guess it just took off from there.”
“Your mom?”
“Yeah, she is really into her sports. Not like my ma.”
Luke chuckled fondly thinking about this.
“Ok, so now I am confused. Your mom and ma. Oh, wait. Sorry, I see ...”
Luke grinned, clearly having encountered this same conversation many times before.
“Yes, Chief, they are a lesbian couple. But don’t worry, they are married, so my moral compass remains intact.”
“I didn’t say anything, Luke. I am all for …” Dan thought hard for the right word, now desperate not to offend Luke in any way, “Diversity. Love. I mean, the most important thing is that you are brought up in a loving home. And they obviously did a fine job.”
Dan looked at Luke, watching carefully to gauge his reaction. To check that he had said the right thing. Dan genuinely felt this way but, of course, Luke did not know that.
“Yeah, Chief, they are the best. I don’t know what would have happened to me without them choosing me from the adoption agency. I think I am also lucky to have grown up in this century, as most people didn’t seem to make a deal of it. I mean, sometimes people would get their relationship wrong, thinking they were sisters or the like, but they never shied away from the truth.”
Dan felt ashamed. He had not come out as openly gay at work. He had always made excuses, and didn’t think it was important. But Dan was from a different generation. When he started, gay men were still thought to be something to laugh at or to mock, not potential leaders of the FBI. But here he was, and now it felt too late to ‘come out’. And why bother, it was not like he had an active dating life.
“Chief?”
“Sorry, Luke, I missed that. What did you say?”
“I just asked what your family background is like.”
“Well, let me see. My mum and dad have both passed. I have two older brothers, but I haven’t really seen much of them since the funeral. I don’t mind though. You know, the job pretty much takes up all of my time.”
Dan thought back to his childhood. His brothers never cared for him. Quite the opposite, he was a toy to be abused. And he always felt he had to prove himself, but he had a flimsy figure in those days and no sporting prowess, so invariably he was bettered. It was only his dogged determination coupled with his emotional intelligence that differentiated him, and ultimately led to his current success.
Dan did not normally talk about himself but Luke’s openness engendered trust, and he felt almost an obligation to give something back. Nevertheless, he was quite relieved when they reached the edge of the lake.
It sparkled as the sun light shone down on the blue waters. Flashes of light, like flitting fairies, flirted with the breezy ripples. It was hard to believe that such a placid scene could have been the background to the recent slaughter. Its clear waters tainted by the blood of those killed.
A wooden bench overlooked the shoreside. Dan went to sit down but was stopped mid-descent by Luke.
“Wait a minute, Chief. It is still a little wet from the rain. Here, let me dry it.”
Before Dan could protest, Luke swiped his arm across the wood, sending the majority of the water flying off it, and then sat down on the bench and slid from one side to the other, wiping away any remaining dampness with the seat of his trousers. Luke smiled at Dan and patted the space next to him, beckoning him to take his place.
“There you go. No point us both getting wet, and I’ll quickly dry in the sun.”
“Thank you, Luke. That was kind of you.”
Dan groaned to himself, thinking he must look that old that he needed to be taken care of. Next Luke would be helping him to cross the road.
“Now, here’s your turkey salad sandwich. I got a BLT. You just can’t beat that classic combination.”
Dan looked longingly from his simpering salad to the meaty deliciousness of the BLT, with mayo oozing out of the side. He could feel his mouth moistening.
Luke saw Dan’s longing looks, and chuckled.
“Come on, Chief, we can share.”
Luke tore his sandwic
h in two, and passed the larger part across to Dan.
“Are you sure? I don’t mind sticking with the turkey salad.”
“I insist. Anyway, I should try to balance out this meal. A BLT is not the healthiest sandwich in the world.”
Dan gratefully accepted. He chewed it slowly and methodically. He remembered that someone once told him that you should chew every mouthful at least fourteen times. Frankly, he found that impossible. And, anyway, he would be too busy concentrating on counting to notice what he was eating, which defeated the purpose. Dan refocused on the sandwich. It tasted so good.
“Surprise!” Luke exclaimed, excitedly, as he pulled out a large, red strawberry tart.
Dan stared longingly at the shortcrust pastry, with cream piped around its rim, topped with a sticky strawberry glaze. Luke took a bite and passed it to Dan.
Dan watched, and then burst out laughing.
“What? What’s up, Chief?” Luke asked, almost concerned by the laughter.
“You have cream on your nose and jam on your top lip.” Dan said, smirking.
For once, Luke looked slightly silly, but this made him even more endearing to Dan.
“Where? Where is it?” Luke said, almost desperately, as he licked at his lip and rubbed his nose, which only spread the cream further.
“Have I got it? Can you get it off for me?”
Dan reached forward and gently smeared away the cream with his forefinger.
“There you go, messy, it’s all off.”
Dan then slowly took a bite of the tart himself. He looked at Luke, as he enjoyed the syrupy fruit. The guilt and shame cycle would come later. For now, Dan’s eyes were flashing brightly with pleasure both from the sugar rush, and the escalating emotion he felt for Luke; his heart was like a smoking powder keg about to explode.
Luke had kept some bread from the sandwich, and went over to the lake edge to feed the ducks. Dan stood beside him. Luke handed over some breadcrumbs to Dan, so that he could join in. There was no one else around, and they both took pleasure in the appreciative quacking of the ever-hungry ducks.