A different kind of panic grew from within. He must save her.
But she didn’t call for him.
“Mano? Mano? Hey? I’m right here.”
It was barely a whisper but Eden’s voice pierced through the seconds of confusion that came between dreams and reality. Now sitting up, he swallowed, aware of his racing heart. He struggled to breathe and ran a shaking hand through his hair.
Arms circled his torso from behind; her face pressed to his back. “It’s okay,” she said. “I got you.”
But the walls had started to close in again.
“I need to get out…need to get to the backyard,” he said. Without a word, she released him immediately.
He stumbled onto clothes strewn on the floor but didn’t bother to pick any up. He should have turned back, but getting through this wave of anxiety was his only goal in that moment. He walked towards the backdoor automatically, urgency his guide.
Outside there were no walls. He held on the railings and raised his face to the dark sky. Deep breaths. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Gradually, the pounding in his head subsided.
A blanket was placed over his shoulders then strong arms came around him. This time, he was ready for her offer of comfort and reached across her shoulders to draw her close.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, kissing the top of her head.
“Don’t be.”
“I woke you up.”
“I need to be going anyway. I have to get to the pool soon.”
He nodded. “Is Jordan picking you up?”
She laughed softly. “No. He’s been staying over at Ashley Jones’. She lives five minutes away from the pool, so I think that’s an added incentive to stay there beyond just her companionship.”
He blew out of his mouth then squeezed her shoulder. He had to be honest; he owed her that at least. “Eden —”
She placed fingers on his lips, speaking before he could continue. “I haven’t forgotten what you said before.” Then she grinned. “But how about Sunday? Come over for lunch? Aidan’s home for the weekend.”
He should say ‘no’. The team would be flying back straight after the match, arriving just before midnight on Saturday. He had planned to use Sunday to work and write down his observations and suggestions from the weekend match. The blinds were going to stay down, and he was going to try another vinyl from the eclectic collection in his living room. The plan was to be alone. Work. Hide the memories. But her hopeful eyes and friendly smile were hard to resist. “Yeah, all right. Sounds good.”
“Great! Just show up! Our ‘shout.’”
Mano smiled. “Your new favorite word?”
She kissed his cheek. “Yes! It is. It’s catchy. What’s another New Zealand phrase I should learn?”
He pushed back the front of her hair. Her smile deepened. “Well,” he said. “We greet each other with Kia Ora.”
“Kia Ora?” Eden repeated. “Kia Ora. That sounds so beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful.” An immediate shade of red flushed her face, prompting him to reach for the neck that had beguiled him for weeks. He marveled at the babysoft hair under his fingers, a contrast to the strength he had seen in her shoulders when she swam.
“It fits” he murmured. She kissed him without reservation: gentle; warm; undemanding; giving.
Fifteen minutes later, he walked Eden to her car, the soft lights of the neighborhood provided direction but not attention.
She touched his face one more time. “Thank you for an incredible night, Mano.”
He stayed rooted long after the Forester turned the corner. He saw what was in her eyes. He had seen those feelings before. Where once he had been proud to be the recipient of such emotions, now he questioned if he deserved them.
He wouldn’t go back to sleep now. Her scent still lingered on him: a beguiling combination of gardenias and mystery. He would have kept her in his bed all night if it weren’t for the nightmares he couldn’t get rid of.
Just one night with her and already, without her presence, the house seemed emptier, colder. His hand hovered over the light switch. Dawn wasn’t that far away. The dark was what he was used to anyway.
He returned to the bedroom and flipped opened the laptop that had stayed under his bed. Before he could think twice, Connor answered the call through Skype.
“Hiya! That was lucky! Just came into the kitchen to pick up a drink!” Connor’s face grew serious when he glanced at the clock. “It’s just about five in the morning where you are, isn’t it? What’s wrong?”
He wasn’t used to sharing his feelings. He swallowed. “I slept with someone.”
Connor stared blankly at Mano’s confession. Then he blinked. “Hang on.”
The screen went blank, then he heard the door shutting. Connor reappeared on the screen again. “First, are you all right?”
“Yeah.”
Connor’s shoulders relaxed. “Good—”
“I shouldn’t have! I’m not good for her, Con. She’s amazing. Beautiful, smart, kind. And she has a son who…. When she smiles, I almost forget,” Mano exhaled. “I want to tell you it was mistake.”
Connor’s eyes widened slightly. “But you’d be lying to me – and yourself – if you said it.”
Mano turned away from the screen, his gaze finding the petticoats of the can-can dancer on the wall. But it was the dark silhouettes of the men behind her he now studied: their anonymity more reflective of where he wanted to be.
“Mano, it’s all right, mate,” Connor said, his voice pulling Mano back to the present.
“I’m not sure if it is.”
Connor hesitated then spoke again. “You know, Liana still checks in with Spurgeon once a year.”
“I know. I spoke to him a couple of days ago. I’ll talk to him again, but I don’t feel…this can’t be right, can it? Wanting to be with someone when your head is full of someone else?”
“Is this Eden Pak we’re talking about?” Connor asked gently.
Mano nodded. “That obvious?”
Connor smiled. “Well, it’s the only name you’ve mentioned other than Mrs. Henderson, and we didn’t think she was your type.”
Mano smiled. Just hearing Connor’s voice helped lift a little of the heaviness inside him.
“Mano, you deserve ‘amazing,’” Connor said.
“Wish I could believe that.”
“I’m here for you, mate. Even across the ocean. Please…just remember that Spurgeon is also a phone call away.”
“I will. Thanks, mate.”
“And we’ll be in Los Angeles for Steve’s birthday in November. We’d love to see you.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“We’re thinking of bringing Fred with us. Make a longer holiday out of it. He’s been wanting to go to Disneyland. And you know if he goes, Jayne will go.”
“That sounds like…fun.”
“It’s going to be a disaster. It’ll take at least three rugby players to keep them in control. We could use you, mate.”
Mano smiled half-heartedly then took a deep breath. “I’m sure you’ll have everything under control. You always do. How’s Levi doing? Has he started teething?”
Connor nodded slowly before replacing his worried countenance with the smile that continued to be used in various ad campaigns around the world. Launching into a series of humorous anecdotes that suggested a life full of simple pleasures, Connor kept Mano company until the first light of day filtered through the trees in the backyard and the alarm sounded.
Mano stretched. “Time for me to start my day. I better go.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Con? Thanks.”
“No worries. Anytime.”
During her morning swim, images of her night with Mano filled her mind. She had never been loved so tenderly nor with such attentiveness.
Turn; push; kick; breathe.
He had whispered her name often. Perhaps to appease any concern that it was she who was in his mind, that she was
n’t a substitute for his former lover? This anonymous lost love may still hold Mano’s heart, but Eden had no doubt she was who Mano had made love to last night.
He saw her.
He heard her.
It was her hand he had reached for before sleep claimed them both.
Turn; push; kick; breathe.
She was also certain of the anguish in his voice when he sat up suddenly. Whatever happened in his life before California didn’t remain in his past. It followed him here. When she had joined him on the deck, she’d wanted to ask him what was haunting him. But it wasn’t the right time. At that moment, he didn’t need a lover to replace a former one.
He needed a friend.
Turn; push; kick; breathe.
After finishing her morning set, Jordan caught up with her in the parking lot, his practiced smile lighting up his face. “Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t been living up to my end of the bargain,” he began.
She reached her car and opened the door. “It’s all good. At this hour, it’s never bad. The carpool worked out great for a month, but it was never something I was going to depend on.”
“Thanks for understanding. I hadn’t planned on Ashley and I…well…but if it ever ends, I’ll be back to carpooling again!”
Eden grinned. “Don’t let her hear you say that, Jordan. It’s not good for the ego to know a guy you’re interested in already has a backup plan.”
“That’s true. “Anyway, I understand that Tommy’s brought up making some changes in your sets. To get ready for Mesa. There’s plenty of time to shave those seconds off.”
She leaned against the car. “About that, I’m not sure if I’ll sign up for that one.”
Jordan’s smile disappeared. “What do you mean? You would have qualified if you hadn’t sprained your ankle.”
“My ankle wasn’t the problem.”
“Is there a problem? What is it? Let me know. Let us know. We’re here to help. We want you to get to Nationals. You’re still coming to these practices. I think that says a lot,” he said.
She tilted her head and frowned. “Why is my making Nationals so important to you? I mean, I appreciate the support and enthusiasm. But you’ve got a lot of people in the club that are going to get on the podium. I’m nobody.”
Jordan looked away for a second. “Look, I really like you, Eden. You’re the feel-good story of Bay Area sports this season. We just want you to succeed.”
“But why?”
“My ‘whys’ aren’t as important as your ‘whys.”
Eden rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Really? That’s what you got? Who are you really, Jordan? Why is this club so important you? You spend half your free time recruiting; the other half swimming. Why?”
“I just want to help a fellow St. Anne’s staff. That’s all.” He stared past her again. “We stick together, right?”
She nodded but had nothing more to say. She entered the car quickly, suddenly eager to return home. She wanted to catch Aidan at the Yuans’ before he left for school. She wasn’t sure she understood her reaction to Jordan’s questions. Part of her wanted to believe he was in her corner. After all, he was the team captain and the de facto face of the club. He qualified in his signature event—the Individual Medley—for Nationals and would, no doubt, be a contender again. His questions weren’t in any way out of line.
But this was her dream; her ambition; her goal.
And it was hers to chase or give up.
Eden drummed her fingers on the steering wheel after merging onto the 24 freeway. It’d be eight minutes until her exit; then another seven minutes from there to the apartment complex. If she took the stairs two-at-a-time, she could be in her apartment in less than five minutes after parking her car. Plenty of time for a shower, finish the smoothie she had made before she left and start her walk to the Yuans’ house.
Her bright face caused Aidan to frown when she walked into the Yuans’ kitchen.
“What are you doing here?”
“Good morning to you, too!” Eden said, kissing Aidan’s head. She extended her hand for a fist bump with Matthew before going round the breakfast counter to give Patty a hug.
“A good night and a good morning, I take it,” Patty asked, arched eyebrows emphasized a knowing look. She pulled out a plate of scrambled eggs and sausages from the oven before adding sliced avocados. “Whole wheat or rye? Coffee’s just been brewed.” Patty glanced at the clock then walked to the nearby stairwell. “Charles! Lydia!”
“Thanks! I wasn’t expecting breakfast,” Eden said, pouring herself a cup before sitting next to Aidan.
“Ever since you told me how much you’re supposed to eat in a day, I decided you shall eat everything I want to but can’t.” Her tone changed when she looked at Matthew’s plate. “That’s it?”
“Mom….”
“I wake up at six o’clock to make you pancakes, and you barely touch them!”
“Lydia will,” Matthew murmured.
“It’s not Lydia who has fallen off the height-weight chart. Matthew Yuan – finish that up!”
Matthew kept his head down but the stabbing action of his fork suggested his true feelings on the topic. Aidan gave Eden a ‘don’t-say-a-word’ look before finishing the last of his pancakes. “Thank you, Mrs. Yuan.”
“My pleasure. It’s always nice to feed someone who appreciates a homemade meal.”
Matthew stood up, stomped towards the sink and placed his half-eaten pancake in the sink noisily.
Eden brought her coffee cup to her lips and watched the two boys leave the kitchen quietly. Patty stood at the kitchen counter and massaged her temples with controlled motions. “That was uncalled for. I behaved like a twelve-year old.”
“I say thirteen.”
Patty smiled tiredly before reaching for her cup of coffee. She grimaced then put the cup in the microwave. “I thought it was supposed to be easier as they get older.”
“Lots of good times but I don’t remember it ever being easy. Even with help.”
Patty nodded. “We waited so long to have children. Took us five years to finally get pregnant and have Matthew. I thought that was the hard part.” Patty took out her now-steaming coffee. “Last night, the boys spent an hour going through the candy. Then another forty-five minutes negotiating exchanges. There was giggling. I should have put a stop to all of it earlier. But they were both happy.” Patty smiled sadly. “I’ve forgotten what Matthew looks like when he’s really laughing.”
“He’s a good kid,” Eden said. “And you’re a good mom.”
“I want to think so. But he doesn’t talk to either Charles or me anymore. And last week, I found porn on his phone.”
Eden stilled her fork, the earlier sense of contentment pushed out by the immediate onslaught of fear. “Porn?”
“Oh yes. I freaked out and made Charles come home early to deal with it.” Patty shook her head. “I wasn’t as ready as I thought for whatever comes with teenagers these days. Anyway, that was a wake-up call.”
“You don’t think Aidan has it on his phone as well, do you? I mean….”
Patty met Eden’s gaze squarely. “Well, even if he doesn’t. It was on Matthew’s. They spend all their free time together.”
Eden pushed her plate away. “I guess I better go through his phone tonight.”
“Better being the helicopter mom now than an unaware parent later.”
A few minutes later, Eden accompanied Matthew and Aidan to school – or rather, until other kids from school began to appear on the trail. Aidan moved ahead before she could hug him. He didn’t turn once to wave good-bye. The small act of indifference, on a different day, would become an amusing anecdote to share with her dads. Instead, it felt like a dose of rejection that cooled the day before it could begin.
She had an hour with him after school before she needed to leave for the gym. Maybe they could talk then.
But the earlier feeling of euphoria after a night with Mano was now burdened with the guilt of
ignorance. She put on the backpack that had Aidan’s clothes and Halloween candy as she watched the figures of her child and his best friend become smaller the further they went.
Others began appearing on the trail. Eden smiled at a slightly disheveled mom with a travel mug in one hand but in the other – her daughter’s hand. The knot in her throat made it difficult to breathe. When was the last time Aidan let her hold his hand?
She started to run. Images of how many times she had said good-bye to Aidan this past month flooded her mind: at the Yuans’, before he left with Brandon, when her dads visited, with Mano.
Mano.
Even the newest person in her life had quality time with her son. Aidan talked to Mano; it was the rugby player who Aidan confided in, who her son shared his wish to watch her swim again. Aidan couldn’t – wouldn’t? – even bring it up with her. Her own son.
She rushed up the stairwell, frustration making the simple act of opening her door harder. When inside, she went straight to Aidan’s room. She searched through his drawers; looked inside the closet; checked under the bed.
Nothing.
No drugs; no cigarettes; no alcohol.
She slumped against the foot of the bed and pulled her knees to her chest. The hollowness started in the pit of her stomach, and she rocked herself gently, tears quietly streaming down her face. She should be relieved. There was nothing here. But the relief didn’t come. Not finding something was akin to battling the unknown.
Patty was always on top of things. She knew Matthew’s schedule to the “T” and was on a first-name basis with all his teachers. She volunteered; she attended all the meetings. But if super-mom-Patricia-Yuan couldn’t stop Matthew from being exposed to inappropriate and unsafe things, what were her chances?
Suddenly, all Eden heard was the uneven and shallow sound of her breathing. She took a deep breath to regain her bearings. Her son was safe. Nothing had happened…yet.
She doubled down, using techniques from the sports psychologist to focus on what she could control, to silence the doubt. She scanned the room and tried to remember the last time she actually spent time in here with Aidan. Lately, she would only enter to check if laundry was on the floor or if the trash can was emptied. This was now Aidan’s world. He rarely invited her in.
Always and Forever: Rugby Brothers, Book 3 Page 15