by Colbie Kay
“Okay, fine.” Shane knocks into us and stomps away. “Have a nice dance.”
Julien holds his hand out for me to take, but I push it away and storm onto the dance floor. I stand there with my arms folded across my chest until Julien joins me, and I point my finger at him. “This one dance, and that’s it. And don’t call me P.” He doesn’t say a word as his arms wrap around my waist. He pulls me roughly into his chest as the song A Woman’s Work by Maxwell comes through the speakers.
Once again, I ignore the shivers running up my spine, and the goosebumps covering my flesh. He holds me in his tight embrace, and I’m taken back to when I was fourteen, lying beside him in bed. He always made me feel safe. Julien isn’t that safe haven for me any longer though. My head understands that, but my heart refuses to accept anything my head is saying.
Our gazes lock, and those butterfly wings flutter in my belly. Without thought, my hands move up, over his button-up shirt, and snake around his neck. I feel myself drowning in every piece of Julien Pierce. I can’t let him have this effect on me. “Why did you come back?” I ask, desperation lacing my tone. I need to know why.
He glances around at other couples dancing before his gaze settles on me once again. “Because I was lost. I’ve been lost for a long damn time, and I wanted to find myself again. I honestly didn’t know you still lived next door, although, I was terrified of seeing you if you were still around town.”
I snicker. “Terrified?”
He nods with a grin on his lips. “I wasn’t sure how to face you after what happened.” He pulls me in tighter against his chest. His hot breath hits my ear and sends my body into a heated frenzy. “But you made that part easy when you came over in that sexy little robe.”
I suck in my breath as my core tightens. “Julien,” I breathe his name as I’m spun around in his arms.
“Don’t say anything, Poppy, just feel it.”
I close my eyes as my breaths deepen. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can,” He pleads.
I do feel it, but I can’t be swept away and destroyed. After everything I’ve been through, I live a safe life. I can’t let him ruin all the work I’ve put in to making my mental health bearable.
He pulls back a fraction to meet my gaze. “I called you the day you were due to have the baby. I don’t even know what you had, P, and he or she would be a teenager by now. Why haven’t I seen anyone except you at the house?”
Tears suddenly sting my eyes, and I am suddenly on the verge of losing it. “Let me go!” I jerk away from him and run out of Bubba’s. I don’t stop running until I’m home safe in my own space and atmosphere.
I leave the lights off as I get under the covers and cry until I’ve cried my last tear…for now. I’m drowning in a sea of darkness, and I let it swallow me whole.
Hearing the loud banging on my front door, I fling it open, and I’m stunned when I see Ashley standing on the other side.
“What did you say to her?” She pushes past me into the house and begins to pace with her hands on her hips.
My confusion shows on my face with my narrowed eyes and frown. Tilting my head to the side, I demand, “What are you talking about? I haven’t seen Poppy in a week, not since the bar. I told her I would leave her alone, and I have.”
She stops marching for a moment. “That night, what did you say to her? She was fine, then she ran out of the bar.”
“I don’t know?” I think back to our conversation to when it went south. “I told her I called her the day she was due to have her baby, and that I didn’t know what she had. Then I asked why I never see anyone besides her coming and going.”
Ashley’s mouth drops open. “Oh my fucking God! Julien! How could you?”
I throw my arms up in exasperation. “How could I what?”
“The baby! Why would you bring it up?” She stares at me as if I’ve grown two heads, and I’m the worst person on earth.
“I don’t know, Ashley. Maybe because I haven’t seen her in almost fifteen years, and the last time I did, she was pregnant.” She starts pushing on my chest, propelling me to the front door. “Ashley, stop! What the hell is wrong with you?”
She shakes her head. “I can’t bring her out of it! You have to go talk to her!”
“Bring her out of what?” The more she speaks, the more confused and frustrated I become.
She continues pushing me, but her breaths are becoming ragged from the exertion. “Get her out of that fucking bed!”
Grabbing Ashley’s shoulders, I stop her and question, “She’s been in her bed for a week?”
Ashley nods, tears pooling in her eyes. “Yes, and I can’t get her up.”
My eyes widen in terror. “Why are you only now coming?”
“I didn’t want to get you involved, but I thought maybe you could help her.”
Taking off in a full sprint, I run into Poppy’s house until I halt in front of her bedroom. Slowly, I open the door and peek my head in. She’s lying there with her eyes open, but it’s like she’s not actually here. She doesn’t move as I enter the room or when I climb into the bed beside her–this bed is bigger than the one we used to sleep in.
I reach up and move the hair from her face. “P, I need you to talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk.” Her voice shakes with each word.
“Then let’s go outside. We can take mason jars and wait for the fireflies. We can make all the wishes you want, but you have to get out of this bed.”
“I don’t want to get up, and I quit believing in wishes a long time ago. It was just a stupid story my Pawpaw told me. I learned you can’t change the outcome of reality. So, leave me alone, Julien.” She tries to pull away from me, but I don’t allow her to move an inch.
“I’m going to lay here until you’re ready.” I move my arm down and wrap it over her waist. “What happened to you after I left, P?”
She turns toward me, burying her face in my chest and begins to sob. I’m clueless as to what’s going on, but she needs me right now, and I’m going to be here.
It took a while for the tears to stop, and when they did, she fell asleep in my arms. As I gaze down at her, I know this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. This here is what brought me back. She brought me back, and all I can hope for is that I can bring her back too.
The sun sets before there’s any movement from Poppy, she takes a deep breath. “It was a couple weeks after you moved. I was thirty weeks pregnant and knew something was wrong. By the time I got to the hospital, and the doctor did an ultrasound, the baby had no heartbeat. The umbilical cord had wrapped around her neck. I had to deliver her anyway, and when they handed her to me, she was perfect, Julien.”
Oxygen is stolen from my lungs. “Poppy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. If I had known—”
She cuts me off, “I know you didn’t, but when someone mentions her, it throws me into a deep depression. My therapist says I have major depressive disorder and PTSD from the trauma.”
I run my thumb over her cheek to wipe away her tears. “That’s understandable, P. I can’t imagine. Is that when you stopped believing in wishes?”
She nods. “Pawpaw still died, you still left, and I still lost my daughter before she even had a chance at life.”
Leaning closer, I press my lips against her forehead. “I wish I could have been there for you.”
Her eyes meet mine. “My family was here, but it wasn’t the same without you.”
“Where are your parents?”
“My dad had some midlife crisis or something. He took early retirement, bought an RV, and took my mom to travel the world. Can you open my closet and get the box on the shelf?”
Rolling out of her bed, I do as she asked, and as I’m bringing the box back to her, she told me to turn the light on. Once I’m in bed again, she takes the box from me and opens it, pulling out a hand full of pictures. “This is Serenity Julie Montgomery.”
“Julie?” I comment on her middle name as I take the
picture. My eyes meet the most beautiful baby girl, and my own tears form, blurring my vision.
“As heartbroken as I was when you left, I couldn’t forget how you were there for me when no one else was. I know she meant something to you too.”
I nod. “She did. I loved her so much without even meeting her.” I pull Poppy to my chest, and we lay here silently looking at the rest of her pictures.
“You’re going to be okay.” I kiss the crown of her head.
She sighs heavily. “It’s a daily struggle, but I’m a fighter.”
I grin. “Yes, you are, Poppy Montgomery.”
I LEFT Poppy this morning after making sure she got up and showered. I made her breakfast and waited for her to call her therapist. Once she was out of the driveway, I returned to my house and found Ashley sleeping on the couch in the living room. “Ashley,” I call out her name to try and wake her.
“Huh?” She quickly sits up, appearing slightly bewildered by her surroundings as she glances around. I can tell when it all dawns on her. “Did you just get home? Is she okay?” She rushes.
I sit down next to her and rub my tired eyes. “She’s okay and on her way to see her therapist. She said she had some other stuff to do first. Yes, I just got home because I wasn’t going to leave her in that condition.”
Ashley rests her elbows on her knees, and her gaze drifts to me. “You really do love her, don’t you?”
“I do. I always have.”
“I only want her to be happy, Julien. Whether that’s with you or Shane or whoever, she deserves it more than anyone else I know.”
“She’s mine, Ashley. I don’t care who the fuck she’s with or has been with, Poppy Montgomery has been mine since we were eight-years-old. Probably longer, but eight is when I first knew I was going to marry the blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl next door. That hasn’t changed. She’s going to be my wife as soon as I can get her to agree.”
“Good luck.” She laughs and stands. Her features somber. “Thanks, Julien. Now, I need to get home to my own husband before he sends out a search party.”
When Ashley’s gone, I grab the keys to my truck and head for the store.
M om’s name keeps lighting up the screen of my phone with her constant calling. Sunday’s are our weekly check-in, but I didn’t want to answer while driving. “Hey, Mom.”
“Poppy, you had me so worried. Are you okay?” I hear the concern in her tone.
I shut off my car and throw my keys in my purse. “I’m fine, Mom. I was driving, and you know I don’t talk while driving.”
“I know, but when you didn’t answer last Sunday, I talked to Ashley, and she said you weren't feeling well.”
I sigh into the phone. I hate lying and making Ashley lie too, but if Mom knew I had a setback, she would make Dad drive her home, and I don’t want to ruin their traveling. “Oh, yeah. It was just a bug or something. I’m better now. Hey, Mom, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
I clench the steering wheel with my free hand as I stare up at Shane’s front porch. He’s waiting at the railing, leaning against a pillar with his arms crossed.
“When Julien moved, did he call me?” She doesn’t say a word for what feels like an eternity. “Mom?” I question as my knuckles become white. He wasn’t lying.
I hear her deep breaths until she finally answers, “Yes, he called.”
I suck in a breath. “Why wouldn’t you or Dad tell me? Why wouldn’t you let me talk to him?”
“Because you were so young, Poppy, and so was he. You were pregnant, and with losing your grandfather then Julien, it was stressful enough for you. We thought it would be better if you forgot about him. We didn’t want to add stress by letting you talk to him and being upset all the time. It wasn’t good for you or Serenity.”
I screech into the phone, “But I never forgot, did I?”
“No. I’m sorry, Poppy. We shouldn’t have made that decision for you. You were going through so much though, and—”
“And he was my best friend. I needed him after Serenity.”
She sighs into the phone. “How did you find out?”
“He’s back.”
“He’s back?” She gasps.
“Mom, I gotta go. I love you. Tell Dad I love him too.” I hang up without giving her a chance to say anything else and step out of the car.
It’s an awkward feeling, stepping up onto Shane’s porch after everything that’s happened since the bar. It appears his eye is healing since I can only see a tint of yellowish-green bruising. “What are you doing here, Poppy?”
I bite my lip nervously. “I came to see you.”
He shakes his head. “It’s been a week.”
I sit down in one of the two wooden rockers gracing his porch while he sits in the one next to me. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You know, I stuck around for a little bit watching you with him, and I realized I will never have you like he does.”
My head snaps in his direction. “Shane—”
He cuts me off. “It’s true, Poppy. After six months of waiting for you to trust me, I’m not any closer than I was on day one. But watching you with him, it was like a slap in the face. I know nothing about you because you won’t open up, yet it was like he could see into your soul.”
My gaze drops. “I don’t know what to say.”
He chuckles. “You don’t have to say anything. Our time is over, and we both deserve to find the one we’re meant to be with. I’m not that for you, and there’s someone else out there for me.”
My eyes drift to his. “How are you being so calm when we’re breaking up?”
Reaching over, he places his hand on my thigh. “A good punch to the face will put things into perspective for you.” He grins, and my lips lift in response.
“He got you pretty good, huh?” I wince at the memory.
He nods. “Yeah, he did.” He stands, and I follow suit. “Have a good life, Poppy.”
I wrap my arms around his neck. “You too, Shane.”
Moving back to my car, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. It’s strange. Breakups are supposed to be sad, yet all I feel is free and happy.
Peeking up at the sky while driving to see my therapist, it has turned from blue to a dark gray. A storm is quickly moving in, and as I’m pulling into the parking lot, big drops of rain hit my windshield. After parking, I race to get inside before I’m caught in the worst of it.
The receptionist glances up when I enter. “Hi, Poppy. I’ll let Theresa know you’re here.”
“Thank you.” I take a seat in the lobby to wait.
It doesn’t take long for my therapist to call my name. She’s in her forties with thick black glasses and short chestnut hair. I follow her to her office and sit on the couch. “It’s good to see you, Poppy. I was surprised to hear from you since you’ve canceled our weekly meetings for the last month. What’s going on?”
I grimace hearing her words. “I know, and I’m sorry. I thought I was doing better and didn’t need to come, but I had a setback.”
“What happened?” She grabs her notebook and pen.
“Ugh, where do I start? Julien is back and living in the house next door. Things were good with me and Shane, but Julien broke us up. Julien asked me questions about Serenity, and I ran away, then laid in bed for a week.”
Her eyes widen. “That’s a lot, Poppy. Let’s start with, how do you feel about Julien being back?”
“At first, I was shocked, then I was angry, now, I’m...I don’t know. Confused, I guess. Oh, and I also found out that for months after he moved, he tried to call me, but my parents never told me.”
“All of those feelings are normal and expected. Between him asking about Serenity and you lying in bed for a week, how did you come out of your depressive state?”
I simply state, “Julien.”
Her brows arch. “But you never let Shane know this side of you. Why Julien?”
I shrug. “I didn’t, As
hley did. I guess, maybe with Shane, I felt he was so well put-together that I had to try to be the same. With Julien, I’ve known him my whole life, and I don’t have to hide the bad from him. He was there when I found out I was pregnant and with Pawpaw. He was there for the good and bad until he wasn’t. Shane, I never opened up to him, and he wasn’t from here; therefore, he doesn’t know anything about my past. With Julien, I can be my true self and not worry about being judged. With Shane, he was safe and predictable. I didn’t have to worry about any bumps in the road. Julien is the complete opposite, and he scares me.”
She’s staring at her notebook and writing when she asks her next question, “The breakup with Shane, how does that make you feel?”
“Like I’m a hundred pounds lighter…like I can fly free. I’m happy in a weird way. Aren’t I supposed to feel the opposite? Aren’t I supposed to be sad, upset, cry…something?”
Her gaze meets mine, and she smiles. “Not necessarily. I think what you’re explaining is it was like you were wearing a mask with Shane. You could hide when you wanted to, and you could keep your true self hidden. But now that you have removed the mask, you don’t have to feel confined anymore.”
I nod. “Yes, exactly! What about Julien?”
She taps the pen against her lips. “I think with Julien, all of your feelings and emotions are completely normal. Do you feel ready to jump outside of your safe zone for Julien? And how do you feel about your parents withholding the fact he called from you?”
I bite my bottom lip and wrinkle my nose to contain my smile. “I think I am. Maybe now is our time? Maybe I can take a ride on the wild side and see where it takes us. I love Julien, and I always have, but he does scare me.” I nod. “I think I’m ready to be a little scared. As for my parents, I’m still working through that. I’m mad and angry, but I can understand why they did it. I only wish they would have let me decide whether to talk to him or not. I can’t dwell on it now, though. It’s in the past. I’ve held onto too much as it is. I’m ready to let it go.”