“The degree comes in handy, believe or not. I did work in advertising for a while when I lived in Portland. The shelter is part of my recovery plan.” I took a deep breath and nodded as Shadow’s eyes widened. Time was up, I had to tell him what happened. “CAST, which is the Center for Anxiety and Stress Therapy, placed me in a shelter. I have PTSD. I know people usually associate that with soldiers coming back from active combat, but anyone who’s had a traumatic experience can suffer. I was in a car accident.”
I lowered my eyes. I had to tell him. “My fiancé was killed.”
The waitress picked the most awkward time to come with our drinks. Shadow put his hand over mine, his thumb rubbing the back of my hand until she left. Maybe the timing wasn’t so horrible. The long, sweet sip of margarita soothed my brain and thwarted the imminent shutdown.
“I’m so sorry,” Shadow said softly.
“I was driving.” Instead of my lungs feeling like someone poured cement into them, I felt free. Light. Maybe it was finally time to talk about this. Or maybe it was Shadow. “I hit black ice. I didn’t realize there was anything wrong until it was too late.”
The sound the car made hitting the tree was always fresh in my mind. The dull thump of both of us hitting the windshield. The sickening crack when the airbag hit Ryan at just the right angle to snap his neck. Shadow let me continue the story. “Ryan had proposed to me that night. It was the best and the worst night of my life.”
That’s as far as I got before the sting of tears hit, the air left my lungs, and I had to hide. I covered my face in my hands and tried to make the image go away.
Shadow put his hand on my knee. I floated up from Hell back into the restaurant. “If you want to tell me about him, I’ll listen. But if you’re not ready—"
“No.” I slid my hands down my face. “That’s the most I’ve ever been able to say. I can’t talk about it. To anyone. The doctors placed me in animal assisted therapy to get me to function as a basic human being. I’d gone totally catatonic. I couldn’t take care of myself, I couldn’t process anything. The animals did the trick, to an extent. I still have a hard time with people, but animals I’m comfortable with.”
“Maybe that’s why you can talk to me.” Shadow smiled. “Because I’m a little bit of both.”
He had a good point. “What’s it like? Being both a man and a wolf?”
The waitress was back, this time with salad and bread, and she side-eyed me, overhearing my question. Whatever. That’s what she got for eavesdropping. I cut the brown bread and buttered it before handing a piece to Shadow.
“It’s the best of both worlds, but extremely frustrating at the same time.” He bit into the bread and moaned. “We’re highly sensitive and tuned into things that humans aren’t. We’re stronger, quicker, and our senses are better. We see things differently, have a different value and justice system. We can’t always act on it in our human form, which can be maddening. Both humans and wolves hate change. With the growth in the town, we’re forced to be human much more than we ever were in the past, or else what’s left of our packs would dwindle even more than it has. But we can’t fully act human or act wolf. We’re still playing by old rules.”
This was fascinating. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d be eating Caesar salad with someone who wasn’t human. “Like what?”
“This generation didn’t produce an even number of males and females for a mate. All the female wolves were sold to wealthy families. If you couldn’t afford to buy your son a wife, chances are this would be the last generation of wolves in your line.” Shadow stabbed at his salad. “But the ruling class of the packs aren’t the wealthy wolves. It’s too bloody a job, and it’s always gone to the working-class wolves.”
“So you’re headed to extinction and anarchy.” It made sense why he studied anthropology. And why he’d consider running for mayor. It was a necessity if he wanted to survive. He nodded, the darkness gone from his face. “What do you think needs to be done about it?”
“We need to find human mates.” He didn’t break his gaze. And now it made sense why he was so interested in me. I won’t lie, it was a letdown. He needed a human woman, I wasn’t sure he wanted me. “The genetics won’t be the same, but we can adapt. We’ll have different strengths. At first, it’s going to be hard for everyone, but I think it would make the transitions and relations between us stronger.”
“Shapeshifter engineering, basically?” I attempted to smile, but a chill had broken out over my body that had nothing to do with my frozen margarita.
“No.” Shadow frowned. “Nothing that extreme. Although I’m sure organized science would have a field day with my vision. I’m talking about the same sort of growing pains that anyone has in a new relationship. Some things work, some don’t. Give and take. Compromise. Conquering challenges. Learning about each other.”
“Is this why you want to be...alpha?” The word felt funny coming off my tongue. We’d always talked about top dog at the shelter and noticed the way that the animals fell into line behind their leader, but I’d never had a chance to understand why they did it.
“Yes. I want to lead by addition. Major uses fear and intimidation, which would result in subtraction.” Shadow leaned back as the waitress brought our dinner. “In a perfect world, we’d be able to work together. Neither of us is willing to compromise. I don’t know if I can trust him.”
“Can your packs be separate?” I asked, then took a bite of my steak. I hadn’t treated myself to a meal like this since Ryan died. I could’ve gone out with the girls, but instead I insisted on punishing myself. So much of tonight reminded me of him, but in a good way. I had no idea the memories could do anything but hurt.
“We’ve been separate all along. And we’re getting smaller instead of larger. We’re fighting instead of getting better.” Shadow was already almost finished with his meal. He’d devoured it. Six months of being hungry and he didn’t let food hang around.
“What can I do to help you?” I asked. He needed humans, and he had me in his spell. “I’d always thought the weird vibe in the Falls was something I gave off; it never occurred to me that it could be the town. Now it makes a lot of sense.”
“You being here tonight helps me,” he said. My heart pounded when I met his gaze. “Maybe it wasn’t Major I needed all along. It was you.”
The rest of the dinner passed in a haze. We kept talking, but all I could concentrate on was those three words. It was you.
“Do you want to take a walk?” Shadow asked. “I haven’t been downtown since I was captured.”
“I’d love that.” The night was warm and Granger Falls was gearing up for the ski season. Instead of hibernating for the winter, the town came alive. Shop owners were loading into store fronts, twinkle lights illuminated the walkways, and slivers of the pond were visible beyond the buildings. Bald Mountain stood proudly in the background, overseeing everything.
“Do you ski?” Shadow asked. We’d been walking hand in hand but he’d stopped to look at the reflection of Baldy, as we called the mountain, in the pond.
“No. It never appealed to me.” I braced myself for the inevitable how can you live in Granger Falls and not ski? Easy. I had no desire to fling myself down a mountain on greased sticks. Or volunteer to freeze my ass off.
“Me neither.”
“Really?” I almost gave him the same crap I hated. “What do you do to stay in shape?
“I have—well, had been a contractor building houses,” he said. Even emaciated, I could tell those muscles didn’t come from the gym. And Shadow was good with his hands. “And yoga.”
That was the last thing I expected him to say. “No way.”
“Way. It gets me out of my own head. You should try it,” he said. I gasped, he’d landed in my head. I hadn’t been expecting company there and it was always a mess. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It would probably help.”
“Give it a try. It’s not for everyone, but I
always feel better after I’ve done it.” Shadow’s expression softened, and he leaned in close. “I’m always willing to try new things. Even if they don’t work out, I’m not left wondering what if.”
His lips brushed against mine, our hair tangled together in the breeze. I sighed, letting him catch me before I fell into whatever black hole had strangled me for the last five years, the one where trying things resembled scary, twisted nightmares. The one that put up iron gates to keep Shadow out, even though the rest of me had been begging for him. The one that was scared by what he’d said at dinner.
Did he want me or need me?
With his tongue gently stroking mine, I didn’t care.
Shadow’s big hands were on my back and in the middle of Granger Falls, a place I usually felt raw and exposed, I knew I was safe. Finally, it felt like home.
Chapter Sixteen
Shadow
I wasn’t sure if it was the wolf or man in me that wanted to crawl inside of Trina. She brought every one of my carnal desires to boiling beneath the surface of my skin. After six months in captivity, I’d forgotten it was possible to feel so alive.
When she’d asked me what it was like to walk the line between two worlds, I should’ve given her a different answer. It was like walking on a high wire with no safety net. With Trina, I had balance, and could walk in both worlds.
I wanted her more than anything. More than I wanted my freedom, more than I wanted to best Major. Trina was capable of understanding every part of me, and for that I’d do whatever it took to make her my Queen.
Ever since the working class wolves of Sawtooth realized that we’d have to look beyond having a wolf mate to survive, we’d been fighting about what to do about it. But no one had the balls to actually mate with a human. We’d all had plenty of one night stands, but no self-respecting wolf ever bagged a Granger chick without bagging it first. To be the alpha, I needed to man up, wolf up, and lead by example. The human bond would make us stronger. We needed to adapt; our world was disappearing before our eyes. We might be stronger and faster as wolves, but as humans we were smarter and more cunning. We had to marry all of our strengths or it would be our biggest weakness.
We’d walked through town until the night cooled, then headed back to Trina’s cabin.
“It’s strange to come home to an empty house,” she remarked as she unlocked the door. “I usually bring a foster back with me. It’s safer not to be alone.”
“Is that why you have the gun?” It had been just nights ago she’d pulled it on me.
“Yeah.” It had been returned to its resting place over the fireplace mantle.
“Is that why you brought me back here with you? As a wolf?” I asked, my eyes glued to the exposed skin of her shoulder as she shrugged out of her jacket. She twisted her hair into an elaborate knot on the top of her head, exposing the long line of her neck. My mouth watered at the sight of it. “You knew you couldn’t adopt me out.”
“One of the reasons.” Her eyes fell to her lap as she sat on the couch. I was drawn to her, her whole body pulsed with need. I wanted to drown in her scent. Fresh mountain air mixed with apples and cinnamon. “We’d thought you guys were Huskies, maybe mixed with Shepherd. I was shocked when the vet told me you were wolves. She’s pretty bitchy to me since I owe her a ton of money, so I didn’t believe her right away. But soon it was obvious that you guys weren’t domesticated dogs.”
“How?” I sat as close as I could without touching her, inhaling her. Stopping myself from devouring her. I needed to know how we were different to the human eye. Trina was going to be my secret weapon.
She wrung her hands in her lap, resisting touching me.
“You weren’t playful like the others.” She inhaled sharply. “I could tell there was something more. I was intrigued. And you wouldn’t leave my side. I joked that you chose me.”
“I wanted you.” I couldn’t resist her any longer. My lips fell to her neck. She tasted like dessert. The little sigh she made on contact vibrated through my whole body. My cock came to attention, and there was no stopping this mission. I pinned her down on the cushions with the weight of my body. Trina’s hands tangled in my hair, pulling my face up to hers so we could claim each other.
Her lips were still sweet from the margarita and I planned to get drunk on the taste of her. Her tongue danced with mine. I pulled away from her, sucking on her bottom lip. She groaned, her hands everywhere on my back, under my shirt, pulling it up over my head. I could barely stop kissing her long enough to get it off. My mouth fell back to her neck, her pulse beating wildly under my lips.
“Shadow,” Trina cried. I picked my head up, panting. Her eyes were alight with passion and something else I wasn’t used to. Shit, I’d scared her.
“I’m sorry, baby.” I kissed her forearm, she clutched my bare shoulder.
“Don’t be.” She wriggled up on the cushion, adjusting her topknot. “First of all, I think I like it when you call me baby. Second, you didn’t do anything wrong. I want you, too. But...”
I rolled back, kneeling between her thighs. I want you, too. My cock had been rock hard already. Pulling away from her soft body was absolute torture.
“I’m coming on too strong, right?” I managed a lopsided grin to keep my heart from breaking.
“Not exactly.” Trina peeled the shirt up over her head then handed it to me. I inhaled deeply. Her scent on the fabric sent the wolf inside me wild. Her chest rose dramatically, her cleavage barely contained in a lacy bra, before she reached back to unhook it.
She curled her shoulders forward, shrugging the fabric away from her glorious tits. Full and heavy, the tips were pink and upturned like spring flowers that had found the sun. She offered me the bra, too, not lifting her chin to meet my eyes. Her long lashes cast a shadow on her cheekbones, and her tits rose and fell with each breath that hitched in her throat.
When she ghosted a finger over her nipple, I was done for.
“Then what is it?” I writhed between her legs. The moon was losing its influence over me and there was no way I’d shift tonight. But the power this woman sent coursing through my veins had already changed me. I balled my fists against my thighs as she circled the hard peaks of her nipples. Trina might actually be working for Ryker, because if she kept that up it was going to kill me.
She sighed before she crawled forward to place a soft kiss on my lips. I thought I might never get the answer. “I hadn’t been with anyone since—"
“The accident,” I finished for her. She nodded. “I know it hurts, but you can’t torture yourself forever. It won’t make things better for anyone.”
“I know.” Her lips moved against mine. “I want to move on. But what if...what if I do that to you?”
Trina bowed her head, shuddering as she waited for an answer. I couldn’t keep my hands off her another minute. I brushed my fingers over her nipples. A moan caught in her throat. Leaning down to kiss her, I whispered, “What a way to go.”
“Shadow,” Trina pleaded. My lips were back on her neck already. If she was afraid of killing me, the only way she could do it was not letting me touch her. “Don’t make fun of me.”
She pulled me away from her body by my hair. I growled, and her eyes widened.
“I’m not.” I tried to get her neck again, but she pulled my hair harder. I was so fucking turned on I could barely see.
“Doing the right thing doesn’t always lead to what you want it to. Doing the right thing got me captured. It got my brother killed. Sometimes doing the wrong thing” –Trina let go of my hair and my lips fell to one of those luscious breasts— “feels damn good.”
“It does,” she said through gritted teeth. I’d just had her two nights ago and I was starving for her body again. I needed to drink every drop of her. Sucking hard on her nipple, I knew I had to listen to what she had to say. After a long swipe of my tongue against the bud, I met her eyes.
She laughed. “Listen, I don’t always make sense and I don’t always kno
w what I want. This is the first time in a long time I’ve wanted anything, Shadow. It feels...fucking amazing. But I don’t want to screw everything up. I want us to be more than just sex. I know we can be. But it feels so good when you touch me.”
“Stop thinking so much.” I led her back down to the cushion. She groaned when my lips fell back to her tits, this time the other nipple. I blew on it and watched it harden before I went to work, palming the heavy weight of her breast as I licked. Trina needed this so bad. Even worse than me.
She was still talking, and I was still listening, but it didn’t make much sense anymore. Her fingernails scraped the skin along my arms, pushing me out of the way so she could get to my jeans. Fumbling with the zipper, she gave up and stroked me through the denim.
I moaned, lifting my hips and freeing myself. Trina grasped my shaft, grasping the length of it and pumping up and down. It might’ve been a while for her, but she wasn’t gentle. She was sure of her touch, even though my body was new to her. She circled the wet tip of my cock with her thumb. My head flew back when she brushed against the spot at the back of the head. Goosebumps broke out over my skin as I stopped myself from coming.
“Let me,” she practically purred as she moved her body down the couch. “I’ve been told I’m pretty good at giving head.”
I chuckled, holding myself up so she could position herself under me. “Show me, baby.”
Usually, if a woman brought up another guy in bed, show over. If I couldn’t make her forget every other man she’d been with, I didn’t want her. But for Trina to be actually sharing a happy memory with me, I wanted to bring it all to the surface. Sometimes doing things all wrong was the only way to make them right.
And holy fucking shit, Trina wasn’t kidding. She could take me all the way down to my balls in her mouth, sucking, licking and running her fingers so lightly over my sack I thought I was going to lose my mind at the contrast. There was no way I could stay still. My hips rocked slowly at first as I fucked her mouth. She moved with me, her hands, her lips, her tongue. My balls hitched up and I tried to pull away from her, but a quick nip let me know that wasn’t going to happen. She milked every bit of my climax as I came, clamping down on my shaft with her tongue.
Her Captive Wolf (Sawtooth Shifters Book 1) Page 9