“But enough, Lord Havisham,” she said softly, her frustration dying away as she saw him look at her. “Enough has been said. Enough has been done. Let us put the past behind us and continue on as we are. We need not remember the past any longer. You need not be a part of my society life and I need not be in yours. Good day to you.” And, so saying, she turned on her heel and walked away from him, finding that her mind was so filled with thoughts and her heart so heavy with emotions that it was all she could do to keep her back straight and her head up, her vision blurring with sudden, unexpected tears.
He had quite undone her.
Chapter Nine
Emily did her very best to forget about every single word Lord Havisham had spoken to her but found that, in the coming days, she had been unable to push him from her mind. Lord Havisham was charming, handsome and kind – which should be every young lady’s hopes when it came to securing a husband – and yet, she told herself, she had no desire to marry again and certainly no desire to reacquaint herself with the one gentleman who had turned from her. She had told him outright that they need not continue their acquaintance, that there was no need to seek one another out when in polite society, and yet the more she thought of it, the more she realized that this was precisely what she wanted.
It was a very strange circumstance in which to find oneself. It was as though she had stepped back into the past and returned to that time when she and Lord Havisham had found a deep friendship and a closeness that she had hoped would lead to something more, except that this time, it was she who was stepping away from what they had built together instead of Lord Havisham himself. Her mind was confused, her heart wanting to be free to feel all the emotions and fondness that were rising up within her all over again but still, Emily pushed them back.
“I am being quite ridiculous,” she murmured aloud, walking gracefully into Lord Henderson’s townhouse and being greeted by the waiting butler and footmen. After a few minutes of preparation, she was directed to the drawing room which, she saw, was a large, grand room with a good deal of beauty about it.
“Lady Smithton!”
Her host came over to greet her at once and Emily could not help but smile. She had been introduced to Lord Henderson by Lord Ralstock and had found Lord Henderson to be charming, polite and not at all inclined towards gossip. That, in her eyes, made him one of the most exceptional gentlemen of her acquaintance.
“Thank you for inviting me this evening, Lord Henderson.”
“Not at all, not at all!” Lord Henderson replied enthusiastically, as he smiled broadly at her. “I believe you will have a good many acquaintances here this evening, Lady Smithton. Although some may be more eager to know you than you are to know them, unfortunately.” A small, frustrated smile crossed Lord Henderson’s face, telling Emily that the gentleman himself did not much care for the ton and their gossip.
“I quite understand,” Emily replied, kindly. “But you need not worry for my sake, Lord Henderson. I have experienced a good deal since I first returned to London and believe that I can deal with such comments, whispers and looks as regards my presence here.”
Lord Henderson heaved a long sigh but then smiled at her. “The rumor mill is constantly at work, is it not?” he stated, spreading his arm wide. “Now, to whom might I escort you?”
Emily felt the sudden sensation of dozens of pairs of eyes turning to look at her and felt a knot forming in her stomach. She lifted her chin and surveyed the scene before her with apparent calmness, ignoring the tightness that ran through her.
And then, she saw him.
Her breath shuddered out of her as Lord Havisham began to make his way towards her, his intentions clear. Emily began to look desperately amongst the crowd, seeking someone else she might speak to, but it was much too late. Lord Havisham had already arrived and was now bowing in front of them both. Behind him, the assembled group of guests turned back to each other, their conversations picking up in both speed and volume all over again.
“Lord Havisham,” Lord Henderson said, cheerfully. “I quite forgot that you are already acquainted with Lady Smithton.” A sound caught his attention and he twisted his head over his shoulder, a smile brightening his expression. “Ah, I see that Lady Cecelia has arrived, along with her mother.” He turned back to Emily and gave her a broad grin. “Do excuse me, Lady Smithton. I shall leave you with Lord Havisham, whom I am certain will ensure you have something to drink very soon.” This was said with a pointed glance in Lord Havisham’s direction, who merely nodded and smiled.
Emily’s heart turned over in her chest.
“I do not feel particularly thirsty,” she said, as though this would be reason enough to leave him behind as she sought out another acquaintance. “You need not accompany me, Lord Havisham.”
“But I wish to.” He moved to stand beside her, so that they might move through the crowd together, leaving Emily feeling trapped and uncertain. “I know what you said the last time we spoke, Lady Smithton, but you did not give me the time to reply.” His eyes crinkled at the corners as he inclined his head. “For my part, I do not have any desire to separate from you in the way you suggested, nor do I see any need for our acquaintance to end.” Clearing his throat, he lifted his head again, as though in saying such a thing, their friendship could then simply continue as it had done before. “I do hope you have had an enjoyable few days, Lady Smithton, since I last saw you.”
A slight sheen of sweat broke out on Emily’s forehead. She had thought that Lord Havisham would be content to end their acquaintance but now, it seemed, he was not inclined to do so. His ease of manner and his jovial questions suggested that he sought to begin their friendship anew, in the hope that she might forgive him for his past failings and accept his apologies. Could she truly do so? Emily knew that in order to truly set her face to the future and to turn her back on all that had gone before, she would need to find a way to make her peace with what Lord Havisham had done, and yet every time she thought of his rejection, the pain still stung at her heart. She wanted to be free of him, wanted to feel nothing, but her heart would not allow her to do so. Sighing inwardly, she looked up at him and decided that she could, at the very least, be amenable.
“I have been vastly busy,” she told him, moving slowly forward. “I have two new acquaintances who called upon me, so that I might get to know them better.”
Lord Havisham frowned, his lips pulling into a thin line. “Is that so?” he muttered, his displeasure evident at once. “I am surprised to hear it, Lady Smithton.”
Emily opened her mouth in order to give him a sharp retort, but something held her back. Glancing up at Lord Havisham, she saw that his expression was dark, his eyes darting from place to place. Evidently, he believed that these ‘acquaintances’ were gentlemen, which obviously brought him a good deal of frustration – and Emily found herself having no eagerness to remove that suggestion from him.
“Why should you be surprised?” she asked, innocently. “I have discovered that the number of my acquaintances has steadily increased since I have returned to London and that can be no bad thing.”
Lord Havisham said nothing for a moment or two, before he cleared his throat and put a smile on his face – a smile which, Emily noticed, did not reach his eyes.
“Of course,” he replied, with an easiness of manner that Emily knew to be a pretense. “I am glad that you find yourself in better circumstances, Lady Smithton.”
She glanced up at him, allowing a coy smile to tip her lips. “You said that you found me changed, Lord Havisham, in my manner of speaking and in my determination. I do hope that you think that such a change has been a good thing?”
Lord Havisham looked at her in surprise. “Of course I do, Lady Smithton,” he replied, with a fervency she had not expected. “You cannot know just how much joy it brings me to see you as free as you are now. I recall how you were when your father was a dark shadow behind you and how difficult such a circumstance was for you.”
Emily stopped, taking a glass from the nearby footman’s tray, and turning sharp eyes onto Lord Havisham. “You could see my struggle.”
“You are well aware that I saw it all,” he replied, gently. “I will not pretend otherwise, Lady Smithton. But, as I said, I am relieved to see you free of it now. You have blossomed into a delightful flower that has, thus far, hidden its petals from the sun.”
This compliment brought a slight pink to Emily’s lips, but she did not allow herself to be overcome by it. “I discovered the beginnings of my strength the day you turned from me, Lord Havisham,” she told him, candidly. “I realized that if none were able to come to my aid – for even my mother could do nothing to help me – then I had to find the courage and determination needed to make my life as bearable as it could be.” She saw Lord Havisham about to speak but held up one hand, so as to silence him. “My husband was neither a kind nor a good man. Instead, he was nothing but cruel and demanding, just as my father was. The way he chose to torment me, with harsh truths and mocking words tore at my spirits, but it did not break me entirely.” Taking in a steadying breath and silently wondering why she was suddenly so eager to share all of this with Lord Havisham, Emily could not stop herself from continuing. “Lord Smithton was old and rotund. His threats of physical consequences should I refuse him came to naught and I slowly began to realize that I had the capacity to turn from his requests.”
“And so, your courage began to grow within you.”
She nodded, looking into Lord Havisham’s eyes and seeing compassion lingering there. For a moment, she wanted to throw herself into his arms, wanted to melt into his embrace and feel herself in the only place she had ever wanted to be – but then she steadied herself and turned her head away. “I began to transform, Lord Havisham. His death only spurred that. I shall not pretend to grieve over the loss of him, as I have stated to many others. I did not care for him. In fact, I found myself retreating from him whenever I could.” Another sigh rippled from her lips. “And since that moment, I have discovered a life where I am obligated to no-one other than to myself.”
Lord Havisham said nothing for a few minutes, silence lingering between them. All around Emily came the sound of conversation and laughter from the other guests, but she paid them no heed. Instead, all she saw was the look in Lord Havisham’s blue eyes, the slight wrinkle to his forehead that spoke of concern and relief at the same time. Did he think her unknown to him now? Or was he truly pleased that she had become someone entirely new?
“I can see that you have no need of me any longer, Lady Smithton.”
Surprised, she stared up into his face.
“That is,” he stammered, suddenly appearing quite uncomfortable. “That is, I am aware that you do not need me any longer, in the way you once did.”
Blinking rapidly, Emily tried to keep her outward composure, even though her thoughts were running furiously through her mind. “I do not understand completely what you mean, Lord Havisham.”
He sighed and ran one hand lightly over his fair hair. “What I mean to say, Lady Smithton, is that you have no need of my company in the same way as you once did.” His eyes lingered on her face, running over her eyes, her lips, her cheeks. “I knew in my heart that there was something of importance growing between us but I turned from it instead of pursuing it. I will admit that I was, mayhap, a little flattered with the way that you sought me.”
A flush of mortification crept up Emily’s face and she turned her head away.
“I confess my selfishness and my arrogance to you, Lady Smithton,” Lord Havisham continued, without pausing. “But I will not pretend that the affection in my heart for you was not genuine, nor will I lie and say that it has gone from me. For I can assure you that it has not done so.”
Emily caught her breath but did not lift her eyes to his face, keeping her gaze steadfastly towards the other side of the room.
“You do not know what to say, I think, Lady Smithton,” Lord Havisham finished, heavily, his shoulders slumping as she shot him a quick glance. “Yet again, I make my foolishness apparent to you but I will not regret it, not this time.”
“It is as I have said,” Emily replied, tightly, turning her head to look back at him directly, aware of how quickly her heart was beating. “We need not be in each other’s company, Lord Havisham. You sought me out this evening and I – ”
Lord Havisham held up a hand, shaking his head as he interrupted her. “No, Lady Smithton,” he said, gently. “The last thing I wish for is for there to be an end to what has been between us. That is not at all what I intend. You have misunderstood everything about my determination to speak to you, I fear.”
“Misunderstand you?” she repeated, a look of confusion in her expression. “Whatever do you mean, Lord Havisham?”
Her astonishment increased all the more as he took a step closer, his expression gentling. She could feel his breath on her cheek as she looked up at him. His fingers sought hers again, grasping them surreptitiously so that no other guest would see. Lead poured into her limbs, fixing her in position as shock ran straight through her.
“My dear Lady Smithton,” Lord Havisham murmured quietly, taking another small step closer so that he might look even more deeply into her eyes. “I cannot allow this to be the end of our acquaintance. I cannot bear it. Please, do not force it upon me. My heart has never forgotten you and even though I have behaved in the most appalling and upsetting manner, I shall do all I can to show you that I am no longer that faint-hearted gentleman you once knew. I would not seek to allow this acquaintance to die, Lady Smithton. Pray, say that you can give me even a modicum of hope in my ventures.” His eyes searched her face, but Emily’s expression remained tight. “If you say that you cannot forgive me, however, if you say that you cannot turn to me as you once did, then I shall not force my wishes upon you. It is only that I could not allow this moment to pass without being clear with you about what I intend.”
Emily swallowed, her heart in her throat. “Then what is it you intend, Lord Havisham?” she asked, trying to fill her voice with lightness but failing completely. Her anxiety was great, her mind telling her to step away from him but her heart forcing her to stay, her fingers still caught in his.
Lord Havisham lowered his head so as to speak only to her, his thumb running over the back of her hand. “I intend to try and win your affections again so that I might do what I should have done all those years ago.”
Chapter Ten
“You have another gift, my lady.”
Emily closed her eyes tightly as Lord Havisham’s sixth bunch of roses appeared in a vase in front of her.
“And the note with it, my lady.”
She did not know what to say to him, aware that her usually stoic butler now had a small glint of delight in his eyes.
“Take this one to my bedchamber,” she said on a whim. “If I am to receive so many roses, then I may best make use of them! My whole house shall smell beautiful.”
The butler smiled and picked up the vase again. “Of course, my lady. Do you require anything else?”
She shook her head, wanting some quiet with which to think. “Not at the moment.”
“Very good, my lady.”
The door closed tightly and Emily was returned to the peace and quiet she had been enjoying before the appearance of yet another bunch of flowers. She looked down at the note in her hand, feeling butterflies fill her stomach. Lord Havisham had sent her a bunch of flowers and a note every day since he had spoken so openly to her in the middle of Lord Henderson’s soiree. She had been so astonished by his declaration to win her affections again that she had stared at him for a few moments not knowing what to say to such a statement. Part of her had cried aloud with the delight and the promise that was contained in such words, whilst another part of her rebelled against him, not wanting to allow herself to even give credence to such an offer, for fear of what it would do to her. Instead, she had simply looked up at him in silence before turning on her heel an
d moving to another part of the room, placing a broad smile on her face to cover the shock that ran through her. Lord Havisham had let her go, clearly aware that what he had said had stunned her. He had not sought her out for the rest of the evening and since that time, had not made any attempt to draw near her again, even though they had been in company together. There was a wariness in Emily’s heart when it came to Lord Havisham. She did not know what it was she felt nor what it was she wanted. It was as though her determination to live a life of freedom, unattached and independent, had suddenly been shaken so fiercely that she did not know what to do with herself any longer.
Sighing, she closed her eyes for a moment before looking down at the note in her hand. Lord Havisham had written much the same words to her these last six days, so she knew very well what would be within. All the same, Emily could not bring herself to set it aside. If she was honest with herself, she wanted to read the words that were within, wanted to see what would be said this time. A little irritated with her own weakness, she turned the note over and broke the seal, flattening it out carefully.
Her eyes scanned the page, taking in Lord Havisham’s words. He had an excellent hand but it was the tenderness that was expressed that caught her heart.
“‘I have done you a great wrong, Emily. Allow me to make amends, I pray you. One final chance is all I seek. Tell me that you have not forgotten me in the same way that I have not forgotten you.’”
As much as she disliked it, tears filled her eyes. There were feelings deep within her that had never been resolved, feelings that she did not want to even consider anymore. However, the fact that Lord Havisham insisted on not only sending her gifts but writing to her also on a daily basis, meant that she was forced to consider them more and more. If she were to let him back into her life, if she were to let him court her, then that would mean those feelings might return in all their intensity and she was not certain that this was something she wanted. Had she not already convinced herself that she did not wish to marry? That she did not want to let anyone make her so vulnerable again?
A New Beginning: The Spinsters Guild Page 7