by W Winters
“What is it you want to explain?” I ask her and almost call her little love. Almost.
“I didn’t think that you wanted anything but a good fuck.” God, she does something to me when she talks like that. When foul and dirty words come out of that pretty little mouth of hers.
My own indecent thoughts keep me from responding quickly enough. So she storms over to the leather chair in the corner of the room and sits down angrily, crossing her legs and then her arms.
Of course that’s what she thought. It’s what this started out as. But she’s fooling herself if she thinks what we have could ever be anything so shallow. Even I can admit it. “I’m not leaving until you talk to me,” she demands and it’s cute. She’s so fucking adorable thinking she can make demands like that. My bare feet sink into the rug as I make my way to the chair opposite hers.
With the blinds closed, the only light in the room is that of the tall lamp in the corner.
“Say something, please. I feel awful. I didn’t expect you to react the way you did.” She leans forward and grips the armrests of the chair. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you,” she confesses and I know she’s telling the truth. Addison isn’t a liar.
And that gives me hope.
“I don’t know what I want, other than you.” My voice comes out rough as I lean forward and put my elbows on my knees so I can sink down to her eye level.
“What does that mean?” she asks breathlessly. Her chest rises and falls as if my answer is everything she’s ever needed. The only thing she’s ever desired.
Licking my lower lip, I stare into her eyes but the words don’t come. I don’t know how else to say it. I want her.
I want her to be mine. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Not just in my bed. I want her touches, her kisses, her intentions. Moving forward, I want each piece of her. Every little piece. I want them all.
More than that, I want her to give them to me.
Her words spin chaotically, as do her emotions. “I need something to hold on to, Daniel, and this, this is intense and overwhelming and emotional-”
“But do you want it?” I cut her off, asking the simple question.
“Why did you come get me in that bar? Don’t lie to me. You knew I’d be there, didn’t you?” she asks me and I don’t know if she knows more than she should, or if she’s just that damn good at knowing who I am.
I lean back in my seat and decide to be careful with my words as I slowly say, “I wanted you for so long.”
“So that’s all this is? You wanted to fuck me, so you finally did?
“You already know that’s a lie.” My words come out like a vicious sting and she drops the act. “I know you feel this too.” I finally speak the words that feel as if they’ll break me. But they’re true. “There’s always been something between us.”
Addison’s expression is pained.
“I know you feel guilty admitting it, Addison. I do too. I’m just as much to blame.” She doesn’t know how true those words are.
Time wears on and more than a moment passes. Addison pulls her knees into her chest and all I want to do is grab her ass and pull her into my lap. But my fingers dig into the leather, pinning me where I am until I have the only answer I need from her.
“Do you want me?” I ask her.
“It’s not that easy,” she whimpers. Torn between the desire she feels and the guilt she won’t let go of.
My body tenses and the rage from knowing the past may forever darken my future takes over as I lean forward. “The fuck it isn’t.”
I have to close my eyes and focus on what I want, what she needs to hear. I speak so low I’m not sure she can hear me, but I pray she can. “I can’t tell you what will happen a week from now, but I know I’ll still want you.” I open my eyes to find her watching me intently as I continue, “I’ve always wanted you. It’s not going to stop, and I don’t care about anything that happened yesterday as long as I get you tomorrow.”
“When did you turn into this man?” Addison’s question is quiet, but full of sincerity. “I don’t remember any of this from you.”
The answer is right there. So obvious to me.
Because she wasn’t mine and couldn’t be.
“You were young, and belonged to someone else.” I can’t bring myself to speak Tyler’s name. The alcohol and thought of losing her if he comes up again is too much.
Before she can respond to the omission I ask her the only thing that matters, “Do you want me?”
Her green eyes shine with sincerity as she barely whispers the word, “Yes.” She bites down on her lip as I rise from my seat and make my way to her. Slowly and carefully, with each step knowing I’m so close to keeping her.
“If you stay here Addison, I swear I won’t let you leave.” I swallow thickly and clear my throat when she searches my eyes and knows I’m speaking the truth. “This is your last chance to run from me.” I owe her that at least. One last chance to run.
“I’ve never wanted to run from you.” Her words are laced with raw emotion and she reaches up to cup my face. “We’re doing this?”
“You can’t leave me, Addison. You have to promise me, no matter what happens,” I say and hope she can’t hear the desperation in my voice. “No matter if we fight.” I start to say more, but I choke on the obvious. No matter if Tyler comes up again.
I can barely breathe as she strokes the stubble of my jaw with her thumb and whispers, “I promise.”
She falls into my lap so easily. Her warmth and soft touches light every nerve ending in me on fire. But so much more than that too. The pounding in my chest. The need to be close to her. To be skin to skin and show her she’s mine again.
I’m dying inside, needing to take her, but I move so achingly slowly. Cherishing every second of something I almost lost. Every second of her.
* * *
“Daniel?” Her voice is hesitant, but raw. As if the question itself will break her as I kiss the crook of her neck and let my fingers barely graze her skin, just a whisper of a touch.
“Addison?” I answer her with a playful air and smile against her skin when she breathes easily.
“I’m scared,” she whispers into the air and when I pull away from her, her face is toward the ceiling with her eyes closed tight. Her fingers dig into my shoulders as I nudge her chin with my nose to get her attention.
“I won’t hurt you,” I whisper when she doesn’t respond. My heart races, though not in a steady rhythm. But when she lowers her gaze, her green eyes finding mine, it steadies and slows. It’s lost without her.
Addison nods, a small nod of recognition, but the hesitancy is still there. Her slender fingers pull at my shirt and I help her, leaning back and pulling it off. Then I remove hers, and move lower. We strip each other slowly, each movement met with the sound of our breathing. Kisses in between each garment being tossed to the floor, each turning more desperate, more breathy. More.
And when I finally slip my fingers between her folds, she’s soaking wet with need and rocks her hot pussy into my hand. Her eyes are still closed as she rides my palm and my thumb presses against her clit. Groaning against her throat, I grab my dick and push myself inside of her until I can let go and grab her hips as I fill her tight cunt.
Sucking in a breath, her fingers move to my shoulders, her blunt nails digging into my flesh.
Her wide eyes meet mine and I’m entranced.
Every thrust up, I dig my fingers deeper into her shoulder. My abs burn as I fuck her like this over and over, as deep as I can while I stare into her eyes.
The need to kiss her is all-consuming. But I can’t break her gaze either.
Her lips part just slightly as her pussy flutters and then spasms on my dick. My name slips from her lips as a strangled moan. And it’s only when she shudders and an orgasm rips through her that she breaks my gaze. She falls forward in my arms as I keep up my pace, riding through her climax.
I kiss her shoulder, her n
eck, her hair, every bit of her ravenously, worshipping her as she grips on to me for dear life.
My release comes in a wave so strong, I’m not ready. I’m not at all ready for this to end. But I swear I hear her whisper against my skin, her hot breath sending a chill down my spine as the intense pleasure rocks through me. I swear I hear her whisper as her lips graze my neck.
I love you.
My arms wrap around her and I don’t move; I don’t let her move either. I can’t say the words back. And I don’t know if she’ll say them again. But I swear I heard them.
I swear I heard her say those words to me.
To me.
Chapter 19
Addison
* * *
Daniel Cross is my boyfriend.
How high school. But still …
That’s all I sent to Rae this week. I’m used to giving her long descriptions of where I’m going next. It’s all I’ve ever considered and she loves to hear stories of what new places are like. But this town brought me Daniel and I don’t want to share a ton of details. He’s mine.
A snicker makes me lean back from the laptop as I read Rae’s response to my email.
How big is his dick? is her opening line. Leave it to Rae to relieve the tension.
I’ve been worried about what she’s going to say. And knowing that she isn’t judging me makes everything so much easier to accept. She even said, As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.
That’s all I wanted. As I click out of the email, ready to close the laptop, I see my subject line again. Daniel Cross is my boyfriend.
I cover my smile with my hand as I pull my heels up onto the sofa. With my pillow snuggled up close to me, I’m in for a night of binge-watching housewives and reality television.
But I couldn’t really care less about any of that. I can’t get into a show to save my life— or work, for that matter. All I keep thinking is that Daniel wants to be … mine.
It’s been over a week and that’s still the case. Nights of hanging out, watching TV or looking over photographs I’ve taken. It’s almost normal.
Those stupid butterflies in my stomach won’t quit and it makes me feel childish and giddy. But even in the eye of the storm that surrounds us, I want him and he wants me.
That should be all that matters, right?
As I reach for my glass of wine sitting on the coffee table, I can’t help but feel like the bottom is going to fall out from under us. Like there’s something waiting on the edge of all this. I can feel it with everything in me.
Life doesn’t work like this. You don’t get what you want simply by asking for it.
I swallow a sip of the wine and the sweetness I was feeling only a moment ago tastes bitter with the last thought.
Daniel feels like everything. Like there was nothing before him even though I’m fully aware there was. There’s no way with our history that there will be more between us, no matter what he says and how well we play house together. There won’t be any family dinners with his brothers or any sense of normalcy in that respect.
No matter how much I wish that were the case.
Every day I’m waiting for Daniel to tell me he was wrong and it’s over. Or that he’s ready to go home and that I’m not welcome there. I like to think that my guard is up and that it won’t hurt when he does it. But each day that passes is another crack in that armor.
He fucks me like he owns me. He holds me at night so tight; like if he lets go, he’ll lose me forever.
And he kisses me like he’s dying for the air I breathe.
We don’t talk about the one thing that plagues me. About how we’re supposed to just ignore our past. He thinks we’ve said enough, but if that were the case, I would be able to sleep without the memories haunting me.
It’s hard to explain how I feel. I want to be happy and grateful. But it’s obvious I’m being naïve. This is too good and I know good things always come to an end.
“You want anything while I’m out?” Daniel asks, interrupting my thoughts as he steps out of the hall to the bedroom and strides toward me. It’s odd seeing him in my apartment still. I’m more used to his place, but tonight he’ll be gone for a while and I need the space.
The fresh smell of his body wash follows him into the room and I find myself humming in agreement although I didn’t quite hear him. He’s too distracting when he’s dressed like this. Black jeans and a crisp white button-up with one sleeve already rolled up while he works on rolling the other. Freshly shaven with his high cheekbones and strong jaw on display, it almost makes me wish he was always cleanly shaven. But that stubble …
Either way, he looks like a fucking sex god. He fucks like one too. My sex god.
“I might be out for a while, but I can bring back something for breakfast if it’s too late.”
I watch the muscles in his forearm as he rolls up his sleeve and as I do, the desire is slightly muted by his comment.
That’s another thing we don’t talk about. We don’t talk about what he does late at night. I was quiet whenever Tyler would leave to go do something early in the mornings or skip school because he had to do something for “work.”
But we aren’t children anymore, and what Daniel’s involved with isn’t a high school game.
“Is this stuff for … back home?” I’m careful with my words as he grabs his keys off the kitchen counter. The jangling is the only sound in the room.
Well, and the ever-present clicking of the clock.
“Back home? As in, the family business?”
My gaze is on the tile in the kitchen. Soft gray with dark gray grout. It’s nothing special, but I can’t bring myself to look at Daniel and meet his gaze that’s obviously on me, so I keep my eyes right where they are.
He works for his brother Carter. Dealing drugs and God knows what else.
He’ll leave one day. Soon. He keeps mentioning it. The one question I ask myself every time he leaves is simple. Do I stay? Or do I go with him?
“Yeah, that’s what I was asking.”
“You know better than that, Addison,” Daniel reprimands me and that’s what gets me to look at him.
“Better than to be careful about who and what I involve myself with?” My tone dares him to question that logic.
“You already made your choice, didn’t you?” The way he speaks to me simultaneously strikes a bit of fear in my heart and heats my blood with lust.
“There are lots of choices, Daniel.” I know in my mind he’s right. I’ve already decided I’d go with him. I don’t want to be alone again and I crave the feeling of family and acceptance I once had with the Cross brothers. But that was then, and this is now. I don’t know what it would be like to face them knowing I’m now with Daniel. It feels like a betrayal of the worst kind.
“Only one when it comes to me. Don’t forget that you’re the one who started this. You’re the one who came back to the bar. You’re the one who came to my house after you ended it. I don’t like being played with.”
“Funny, because you sure do like being the one doing the playing.”
My comment rewards me with a charming smirk on his lips.
“With you?” he questions as he stalks toward me and grips my chin between his fingers. “Always.”
My eyes close as he plants a kiss on my lips. Mine mold to his and my body melts. It’s over too soon and I find myself sitting up a little taller to prolong it just slightly.
Daniel keeps his grip on me and a crease forms on his forehead as he looks down at me with a question in his eyes.
“Are you thinking of leaving me?” he finally asks and I reach up to take his hand in mine.
“No,” I tell him, practically rolling my eyes and getting more comfortable in the corner of my sofa.
“Good,” he says although he still eyes me curiously.
* * *
“If I hadn’t come to your place, would you have let me leave you?” I don’t know why I feel so compelled to ask in this moment. Maybe I
already know the truth and I just want to see if he’ll tell me or not.
His dark eyes seem to get darker, although his voice stays even as he answers me, “I would have tried.”
I chew the inside of my cheek and look away at his response.
“Why does that disappoint you?”
“Can’t you feel it?” I barely whisper the words. He makes me feel weak and foolish. But admitting there’s something undeniable that pulls you to someone like it does no one else isn’t weak at all. It takes every bit of strength in me.
Daniel’s eyes leave mine for a moment and I begin to doubt myself. I can barely swallow until he says, “I said I would try. I didn’t say I was capable.”
My eyes close and I wish I could will all of this overwhelming emotion away. But that’s what Daniel’s always done to me. Overwhelmed me.
“I’ll keep you safe. Always.”
My heart soars and plummets with his words. That’s how it feels and the relief on my lips falls with it.
“I just know … your job … is dangerous.” I hate how my throat feels tight as I speak. “I knew what I was getting into. It’s different when you wait at home alone wondering …”
“But I’m a dangerous man, Addison. I know what I’m doing.”
I search his dark eyes for reassurance and it’s there, but still I can’t help adding, “Don’t die. Everyone I love dies.”
“What if it’s more like anyone who loves you dies?” he questions and it doesn’t help me feel any better at all. He shrugs and points out, “Then I’m dying anyway, so you might as well love me back.”
Although I realize the words were spoken in a lighthearted way, the acknowledgement is there. That there’s something more between us and we both feel it. We both recognize it for what it is. I don’t dare to speak it again. I’m too caught up in those flutters in my chest. The ones that hurt in the best of ways. My eyes start to gloss over and I shove all the emotion away.
“Just be safe, my dangerous sex god.” My voice is playful and nonchalant as I reach for the remote, ending the conversation. It’s too much, too soon. But it feels like everything that’s always been missing. It feels right. It feels like home. And I’m so afraid to lose it.