The Other Daughter (ARC)

by Shalini Boland

  Catriona grips the steering wheel hard, tries to steady her breathing. It will be okay. It will all be okay. She starts to hum a tune to herself. She doesn’t know what it is – a lullaby of some sort. To soothe the child and to soothe herself. But it can’t be heard over the yelling and sobbing from the back seat. The little girl is straining against the seatbelt, pulling at the straps. Leaning forward and then flinging herself back in her seat.

  Catriona’s tuneless humming gradually turns into her own sobs. ‘Oh no, oh no,’ she wails over and over. ‘What have I done? What am I going to do? Please help me. Someone help me.’ If she’s not careful she’s going to crash the car and injure them both. She can’t do that. She has to calm down. Indicating left, she noses the car off the dual carriageway and down a slip road. A little further on she finds a layby. She pulls in, takes a breath, opens her door and dives through the pelting rain to the back door. She slips in and pulls the door shut, her hair now wet from just a few seconds outside. She should have pulled her hood back up. Never mind.

  ‘Hey, hey,’ she croons to the child. ‘What’s all this noise? What are all these tears for? Are you still thirsty?’

  The girl sobs and nods. ‘Thirs-ty. Want Mu-ummy.’

  ‘Tell you what… if you stop crying, we can go and get a nice long drink of juice, okay? But you need to be nice and quiet because I can’t drive while you’re sad. Do you know why?’

  Her eyes widen a little and she shakes her head.

  ‘Because when you’re sad, I’m sad. And I’ll be too sad to drive.’

  ‘You’re sad?’

  Catriona nods. ‘But shall I tell you what makes me happy?’

  The girl’s eyes widen.

  ‘Singing a song always cheers me up. Do you like singing?’

  The girl pouts and shakes her head.

  ‘You don’t like singing? But everyone likes singing!’

  ‘No! Want Mummy!’

  Catriona desperately needs to distract her. ‘What’s your favourite song ever?’

  Her chin wobbles. ‘Way in a Manger.’

  ‘ “Away in a Manger”? Oh yes, that’s a good one. That’s my favourite too!’ Luckily Catriona knows the words, as it’s one they’ve been practising for the pre-school Christmas concert. But she doesn’t want to remember that. She can’t think about the thing she’s trying to forget. Instead, she opens her mouth and begins to sing softly and slowly. In that way that mothers do when they’re trying to get their children to sleep.

  The little girl puts her thumb in her mouth and plays with one of her own dark curls, rubbing it between the pads of her chubby fingers in a comforting motion. It’s almost the exact same shade as Catriona’s own hair – maybe just a touch lighter. Catriona wipes hot tears from the child’s flushed face and strokes her hair while she sings. Gradually, the girl’s body loses its tension. Her eyelids grow heavy and before too long she’s fast asleep. She must have tired herself out with all that crying. Catriona sings another few rounds of the carol, making each line softer than the last, unwilling to stop in case the girl wakes up again. Finally, she chances it, holding her breath in anticipation of more tears. But the interior of the car is silent and still.

  Catriona feels a little less fraught now the child is asleep. She allows herself a spark of hope as she climbs out into the rain and back into the driver’s seat. A sense of calm descends. They’ll go home, she’ll put her to bed, and it will be as if none of today ever happened. She can go back to how it was before, and all will be well.

  6

  Now

  We sit next to one another in the lounge, sipping beers in front of the cosy wood burner while our chilli nachos warm in the oven. I made Matt’s favourite tonight, thinking he was going to be working late, but he ended up coming home at the normal time, so he’s in a great mood, his blue eyes soft and twinkling. He looks so handsome in his grey sweatshirt and joggers, his blonde hair still damp from the shower. I feel lucky every day that I have him in my life. The kids are already in bed, so we’re having a few rare moments to relax.

  ‘How was today?’ Matt asks.

  ‘Don’t ask. Although I sorted out my new hours with Dee, which is something.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘I actually thought Dee was going to have to sack me instead.’

  ‘What? Why?’ Matt sits up straighter but relaxes again when he sees that I’m smiling. I tell him about the order mix-up and the dropped breakfasts, and he pulls me in for a hug. ‘Poor you. At least Dee was nice about it,’ he says. ‘But it’s not like you to muddle up orders and drop stuff. You’re normally Miss Efficient. Is everything okay? Is there something going on I should know about?’

  I blink and look down at my beer bottle. ‘Going on? No, why are you asking that?’

  ‘Come on, Rach, I’m not stupid. There’s obviously something up. You’ve been acting strange these past couple of days.’

  I don’t reply straight away, wondering if now is the time to tell Matt about my past. If Bella turns out to be my child then it will all have to come out anyway.

  ‘Rachel?’

  I put my bottle on the table and shift back, turning to face him and twiddling a few strands of my hair.

  ‘Okay, you’re making me nervous now,’ he says, wearing a worried smile. ‘You’re not pregnant, are you?’

  I roll my eyes.

  ‘Because it’s fine if you are,’ he adds hastily. ‘I mean, not fine, it’s great. Just… not sure where we’ll fit everyone, but I’m sure we’ll be able to work it out.’

  ‘Don’t worry; I’m not pregnant.’

  ‘Oh.’ His shoulders drop. ‘Good. Because this house… I love it, but it’s tiny, there’s barely room for the four of us, let alone five, and thinking about the sleepless nights…’ He breaks off. ‘So, if you’re not pregnant, then what is it?’

  If I don’t tell him now, while he’s asking me, I’m not sure I ever will. I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing, but I find myself starting to explain. ‘The thing is, Matt, there’s something from my past. Something I never told you.’

  ‘Okaaay.’ He takes a sip of his beer and gives me an intense stare.

  I swallow and rub the back of my neck, feeling the kinks and knots beneath the skin. So many conflicting thoughts swim through my head. It’s not that I don’t think Matt will handle it well – he’ll be shocked and sympathetic – but he won’t be able to help wondering why I kept such a big thing from him. Why I didn’t trust him enough with it in the first place. But it wasn’t about trust; it was about me not wanting to think about it or talk about it. Not wanting to unearth the pain. I’m not sure how to continue. The silence grows until Matt finally breaks it.

  ‘Are you going to tell me what this is about?’ His face is serious now, his blue eyes darker somehow.

  ‘Remember how screwed-up I was, the day we first met?’

  ‘I wouldn’t say you were screwed-up. Upset, maybe.’

  ‘Be honest; I was screwed-up.’

  ‘Your ex had walked out on you. He’d left you alone with no money and a young child. It’s no wonder you were upset.’

  ‘The thing is, when I told you about my life, I missed out a bit. The main bit.’ My voice doesn’t sound as though it belongs to me. I can’t believe I’m about to verbalise what happened to me all those years ago. I don’t know if I can do this.

  ‘You’re scaring me, Rachel. What did you miss out?’

  There’s a whooshing sound in my ears. Why did I think this was a good idea? I run my fingertips back and forth along the gold velvet sofa, watching the colour change from light to dark, like a wheat field on a windy day.

  ‘Can you just tell me what it is?’ Matt presses.

  ‘Okay, but can you hold my hand first?’

  Matt takes one of my hands in both of his. ‘You’re freezing!’ He starts rubbing my hand, breathing his warm breath onto my icy skin.

  His touch gives me the courage to continue. As I speak, instead of look
ing at his expression, I gaze at his large, rough hands, so gentle and tender. ‘Before I met you, something terrible happened.’ I break off. Clear my throat. ‘Before I met you, I had another daughter.’

  Matt drops my hand.

  I look up at him. His skin is pale. His mouth has fallen open. He shuts it abruptly and swallows. ‘You had another daughter… you mean…’

  ‘She was abducted from a shopping centre nine years ago. I never saw her again.’

  ‘Jesus, Rachel.’ Matt is rigid with shock, and then he gives himself a shake, pulls me in close and hugs me tightly. ‘I can’t believe what you’re telling me.’ He’s still hugging me, but I can’t quite relax into his arms. I’m stiff and unyielding, unable to move, so he relinquishes his hold, letting me go, so that we’re sitting awkwardly beside one another.

  ‘What happened, Rach? I mean, how did it happen?’

  I can’t look him in the eye, too afraid to see the pity there. I know I’m going to have to elaborate, but I’m afraid to relive it so I talk quickly without emotion, simply relaying the facts. ‘Her name was Holly. She was almost three years old. I was at the mall with a friend – Christina. Holly was in the play area while Christina and I were chatting next to her with a coffee. Jess was in her pram by my side. We’d only been there five minutes or so. I was checking on Holly periodically, looking up to see if she was okay. But then, the next time I looked, I couldn’t see her. I assumed she’d gone back inside the playhouse, but when I went over to have a proper look, she wasn’t there. She wasn’t anywhere.’

  Matt looks like he’s about to cry. The only time I’ve seen him so full of emotion was when Charlie was born. He manages to choke out a reply. ‘This is… I can’t believe it.’

  ‘I know. I’m a horrible person. I lost my daughter.’

  ‘That’s not what I meant!’ Matt takes my limp hands in his once again. ‘I meant, that’s a terrible thing you’ve been through. A horrific thing. The worst. In no way do I think you’re a horrible person. And you shouldn’t think that either.’

  ‘You don’t have to try to make me feel better about myself,’ I say flatly, knowing that he’s only trying to be sympathetic. But I don’t want to accept his sympathy. I don’t deserve it.

  ‘I’m not trying to do that. I’m just trying to…’ He runs a hand through his hair, gets to his feet, paces a little way and then sits back down. ‘I don’t know. What can I do? What can I say? Rach, I’m so sorry you went through that. Why didn’t you tell me? I’m here for you whenever you want to talk about this. Whatever you need. I still can’t believe it.’

  I feel sorry for my boyfriend. I’ve dropped this bombshell on him and it’s so much to take in. He’s a sensitive person. A kind person. He’ll be feeling so bad for me. But right now, I can’t feel much at all. Just a strange heaviness. A feeling that mine and Matt’s relationship won’t be the same after this. I know he’ll say he doesn’t think I’m to blame, but surely a small part of him must be wondering what kind of mother I am to have let this happen to my child.

  ‘Rachel, are you okay? What can I do?’

  ‘Maybe turn the oven off. I can smell burning.’

  ‘What? Oh, yeah, of course, but you know that’s not what I meant. I meant what can I do to help? To make you feel better?’ He shakes his head. ‘I’ll just go and… I’ll turn the oven off then I’ll come straight back.’

  I’m getting stupid thoughts in my head now, like Matt’s probably hungry and dying to eat the chilli nachos, but he knows it would be insensitive to bring up the subject of dinner at a time like this. Come to think of it, I’m hungry too. But how can either of us eat? I should have waited until after dinner to talk about this. I feel as if I’m losing my mind a little. Spinning out. It’s because I’ve kept all this suppressed for so many years. And now… after seeing Bella, it’s all racing to the surface once again.

  Seconds later, Matt returns from the kitchen.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ I ask.

  ‘What? No.’

  ‘But you’ve been working all day.’

  ‘Rachel, I’m worried about you.’

  ‘I’ve lived with this for nine years. I’m okay. I mean, it’s not something you ever really get over, but I’m managing.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this before?’ He walks over to the French windows and stares out into the darkness. ‘I mean, we’ve been together for years. Why now?’

  ‘I don’t know why I never told you. I never told anyone round here. It was just a really hard thing to talk about. When I came to Wareham, it was nice that no one knew me as the woman whose daughter was abducted. I was just Rachel, Jess’s mum. A single mum. Divorced. But nothing out of the ordinary. Not a subject for gossip. I thought it would be easier if I simply started my life afresh.’

  He doesn’t reply. I know I should have told him about this earlier. Either that, or I shouldn’t have told him at all. He’s obviously upset with me for keeping such a big secret. My head swims at the thought of my revelation driving a wedge between us. At the thought of him losing any trust in me. ‘Matt, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before.’

  ‘I get that you wouldn’t want everyone else knowing about it. But what about me? What about after Charlie was born. Don’t you think it was…? I mean… don’t you think you could have trusted me with your history?’

  ‘It wasn’t anything to do with not trusting you. It’s just that I wasn’t strong enough to talk about it. To relive it all. Just mentioning her name makes me feel shaky. Even now, I feel like my mind is imploding. Like if I let myself think about it all properly, I’ll end up having another breakdown.’

  He nods as though he understands, but I can see his mind working behind his eyes. The hurt expression on his face at the realisation that I kept such a big part of my life from him.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I say the words again but even to my ears they sound hollow.

  He shakes his head. ‘You don’t have to say sorry.’ But his initial shock and sympathy has already given way to something else.

  ‘So much for a relaxed evening of beer and nachos,’ I say, attempting to lighten the atmosphere. But my heart isn’t in it, and Matt doesn’t even attempt a smile.

  He turns away from the window to face me. ‘Did the police have any idea who took her?’

  ‘There was some footage of someone in a hooded top leading her away…’ I try to shake the image from my mind.

  ‘A man?’

  ‘They couldn’t tell. The CCTV quality was so bad.’

  ‘I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through.’

  ‘It was a rough time. But starting over helped. Being away from where it happened.’

  ‘Is this why you’re so overprotective with Charlie and Jess? I mean, I know I’m always on at you to let them have more freedom. Now I feel bad.’

  ‘I know the chances of it happening again are remote, but I don’t like to lose sight of them – ever. It makes me feel physically sick.’

  ‘Of course. Of course it must. I can’t imagine…’ Matt stoops to pick up his beer bottle from the coffee table. He drains it in a few long gulps and sets it back down. ‘Could it have been someone you knew? I mean, they say that, don’t they? That crimes are usually committed by people you know.’

  ‘The police interviewed everyone – neighbours, friends, family.’

  ‘What about Andy?’

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘You said you were going through a rough patch back then. Could it have been him who took her?’ Matt’s voice takes on an intense quality. He has one of those brains that never lets anything go. He always has to find the answer to anything – puzzles, quizzes, TV mysteries. I hope he doesn’t want me to go over every single detail of what happened that day. I don’t think I’m up to it. Not right now.

  ‘It wasn’t Andy,’ I reply.

  ‘But how can you know for sure? Maybe he did it so he could get custody of her without going through the courts.’

&n
bsp; ‘The police checked him out. He had a watertight alibi. He was out of the country, working in Spain at the time.’

  ‘Maybe he got someone else to do the actual abducting.’

  ‘Matt, I can’t do this now.’

  He raises his hands in surrender. ‘Of course you can’t. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I… I just want to try and make it right. Get her back for you. I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘There’s nothing for you to do, Matt. All you need to do is be here with me. Accept that I had this nightmarish thing happen to me, but that I’m still here. Still alive. I have you and Jess and Charlie. And I just have to pray that if she’s still… if she’s still alive, she’s happy.’

  Matt nods, and I know what he’s thinking, because it’s what everyone thought when she first went missing. That the chances of Holly being alive are remote. And even if she is alive, the chances of her being happy are almost non-existent.

  The smell of the chilli nachos is turning my stomach. My whole body feels like it doesn’t belong in my skin. I wish I hadn’t started talking about this. I knew it was a mistake.

  ‘Rach, are you okay?’ Matt comes back over to the sofa and sits next to me.

  I shake my head and a hot tear splashes onto my cheek. He gathers me into his arms again and for now I’m happy to be comforted, letting my pain wash down my face and onto his sweatshirt, while he murmurs soothing words and strokes my hair.

  7

  ‘Don’t run too far ahead!’ I call down the road to Charlie and Kieran, who are behaving like a couple of overexcited puppies, bounding through puddles and getting their uniforms wet and muddy. By contrast, Jess and Amy are lagging behind, arms linked, heads down, entranced by their phone screens. They shunned my offer of an umbrella, preferring to use their hoods to shelter from the drizzle. As arranged, I’ve picked up Kate’s two with mine, and Kate will be coming to our house once she’s collected Bella from school.

  Bella.

  I’m nervous about meeting her again. What if I see her and don’t get that same feeling? What if I realise I got it all wrong and she’s not my daughter? But what if she is? My stomach roils and I put a hand to it as though that will somehow eliminate all the turbulent feelings inside. I tell myself to be calm and cool. Not to do or say anything that might jeopardise my friendship with Kate. If Bella really is my missing daughter, then I’ll have to approach this whole situation carefully.