The girls are walking in the opposite direction to where I parked my car, so at least I know I didn’t end up in the Morrises’ road. Unless Bella is going to her friend’s house. But as the two of them reach the end of the street, they hug and break off in different directions. I follow Bella, who speeds up now that she’s alone. Dusk is falling and she suddenly looks quite vulnerable walking along on her own. The school crowds have thinned and there are only one or two other people around now.
I close the gap between us so we’re only a couple of hundred yards apart. I won’t get any closer, but the unfairness of my situation hits me again. This child in front of me should be one of the closest people in my life. Instead, she’s a stranger. She probably wouldn’t even recognise me from last week’s brief encounter. Yet I carried her in my belly. Nursed her. Bathed her. Kissed her. Held her. And now… now I mean nothing to her.
This line of thinking isn’t getting me anywhere. I can’t let myself wallow in self-pity. Proof is what I need. Proof. But how do I get it? I think it must all be tied up with Shaun’s prison stay. I need to discover more about that.
Bella turns into another road. It’s a housing estate that’s never seen better days and probably never will. She hunches her shoulders, keeps her head down and walks even faster now, almost running. I do the same. Despite the drizzle and chilly temperature, I’m sweating beneath my coat.
Bella jogs towards what looks like a low block of flats on the other side of the road. It’s built from a brownish brick, with four small windows on the ground floor and four on the first floor. She crosses a narrow path that runs along a scrubby patch of grass and heads into a recessed stairwell illuminated by a security light that flashes on as she approaches. The walls inside the stairwell are covered in multicoloured graffitied tags. She disappears from view but I’m pretty sure she didn’t go up the stairs.
Sure enough, one of the downstairs lights in the flat flashes on and I see Bella standing at a kitchen table, talking on her phone. She must be home alone. I have to say, I’m quite surprised that she lives here. The Morrises both gave the impression of having money – I know they said they’re renting temporarily but I’d have thought they’d be in a larger property in a nicer area, even for the short-term. Not that someone’s postcode bothers me at all, it’s just the impression I got from them.
I really should go now. Kate will probably be back soon with Amy and Kieran, and it would never do for her to see me standing here outside their flat. I don’t know how I would even begin to explain myself. But I can’t seem to tear my gaze away from Bella, her long hair falling forward as she moves around the kitchen, getting a drink of water and snacks from the cupboards. I want to tell her to draw the curtains, that she doesn’t know who could be watching her. But I’m glad they’re open for now, letting me catch a last look at her before I head home.
I’m absolutely convinced that Bella is my missing daughter. But I need to talk to her, to really connect with her to see if we have that mother–daughter bond. That way, I’ll know for certain.
17
Then
‘Catriona, I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but you’re really starting to freak me out.’ Shadows settle on her boyfriend’s face. Dark hollows that Catriona has never seen before. They scare her because she knows that they will only grow deeper and darker. She knows that those shadows are mirrored in her heart. He’s running his hands through his hair and his eyes are becoming wild and unfocused. ‘Who is that girl in Gracie’s bed? And where the hell is our daughter?’
He’s never sworn at her before. It’s shocking to hear that word directed in anger at her. ‘Darren, I don’t know what you’re—’
‘Don’t say you don’t know what I’m talking about. Do not say that.’
‘But I—’
‘Catriona, look at me.’
She senses his eyes boring into her, but she doesn’t want to look him in the eye, because then he’ll know. He’ll see she’s lying. And yet the lie isn’t even the worst of it.
Darren takes a firm hold of her chin and tilts her face up to his. Stares at her until she succumbs and finally returns his gaze. In his eyes she sees confusion, anger and… yes… fear. She doesn’t want to tell him the truth. Doesn’t want to destroy his life. Why can’t he just go along with her? It would be so much better for all of them if he could just accept what she’s telling him. Can’t he understand that she’s only lying to protect them both?
‘Where. Is. Grace?’
Catriona angrily jerks her face out of his grasp and tenses her shoulders, ready to trot out her prepared responses with exasperation. But she suddenly finds that she can’t keep it up. Her shoulders sag, and slowly she crumples to the ground, covering her head with her arms and letting out a moan that wells up from her core. A guttural inhuman sound that she’s never made before. Not even when she was giving birth. This pain is far, far worse.
‘Caty, you’re scaring me! Caty!’ Darren sinks down on the ground and tries to peel her arms away from her head.
‘No, no. Don’t ask me. Don’t talk about it. Please. Please.’ She knows that once she says the words out loud, then that will make it real. The lie will disappear and all that will be left is horror and emptiness and the end of everything good. ‘Darren, I’m telling you, that little girl in there… it’s Grace. It’s our daughter. Please believe me.’
‘I know something’s happened, but I need you to tell me what it is. And I need you to tell me now.’
‘I can’t.’ Salty tears run into her mouth. ‘Don’t make me.’
‘You have to tell me where our daughter is! Tell me!’
‘No, no, no.’ Her body is so heavy. She sinks lower, wishing she could disappear into the foundations of the building and never surface again.
‘Caty!’
A sharp sting on her cheek jolts Catriona from her despair for a blissful shocking instant.
Darren’s warm palm returns to caress the skin he slapped only a second ago. ‘I’m sorry I had to do that, Caty, but you need to pull yourself together and start talking.’ He pauses. ‘Or I’m going to have to call the police to report her missing.’
At his mention of the police, Catriona sits a little more upright. Once the authorities become involved, then there will be no hope at all. Perhaps, if she can explain it well enough to Darren now, then he will go along with it. Once she gives him her reasoning. If she can make him see. ‘Darren,’ she murmurs with a gulp, ‘something terrible has happened.’
‘Where’s Grace?’
‘Gracie… she… she had an accident.’
Darren jerks to his feet as though electrocuted. ‘An accident? What kind of accident? Where is she now? The hospital?’
Catriona flinches and shakes her head.
‘She’s still in the flat then?’
She stares up at him, trying to process his words.
He glances wildly around. ‘Grace! Gracie!’ Darren staggers across the hall and into the sitting room. Catriona scrabbles to her feet and follows behind, her mind and body tingling with numbness. He pulls back the curtains and shifts the sofa. Peers in every nook and cranny of the small lounge, even though it’s blindingly obvious that their daughter isn’t in the room. He does the same in their bedroom. Examining the interior of the wardrobe and sliding partway under the bed, looking behind the curtains. He even yanks the drawers out from their runners, frantically looking, looking, looking. Trashing their room in the process ‘Where’s our daughter, Caty? What have you done with her? What did you DO?’
18
Now
I barely remember making my way home. My head was so full of Bella. Seeing her there alone in her kitchen, thinking she could really be my Holly. I keep flipping between believing that she’s mine, to thinking that I’m wrong and I’m fixating on a wish rather than a reality. But each time I’ve laid eyes on her I’ve had this knee-jerk physical reaction. A shocking hit of adrenalin that leaves me breathless. When I see her I’m
certain, but when I’m away from her there’s still a tiny seed of doubt wriggling beneath my skin. Until I get hard evidence one way or the other, I won’t be able to rest.
I turn left into our road and see that there are no parking spaces outside our house, so I cruise down the street, finally spotting one right at the end. I turn off the engine and take a moment to compose myself before getting out of the car and trudging up the road towards the house. It seems familiar and different all at once. Bella’s house is only a ten-minute drive away from here, yet it feels as though I’ve been to the ends of the earth and back, mentally as well as physically.
I steel myself at the door, knowing I have to go in and keep up the charade that I was at the dentist. Finally inside, I feel the warmth of our home wrap itself around me. I’m relieved to be back, yet also feeling strangely guilty at my relief. Like I don’t deserve to be here. Like I should be doing more to discover Bella’s real identity.
‘Hello!’ I call out.
There’s a low murmur of voices from upstairs.
‘Hello! Matt?’ I peer up the stairs.
A door opens above me. ‘Rach? That you?’
‘Hi, yes. Everyone okay?’ I kick of my shoes and hang my damp coat up on the hook. I’m about to head up there when Matt appears on the stairs. He casts a worried glance over his shoulder and then points down towards the lounge, gesturing for us to go in. Once we’re in the room, he closes the door behind us quietly.
‘What’s wrong?’ I’m a little unnerved by his actions. ‘Are the kids okay?’
He gives a non-committal waggle of his head. ‘It’s Jess.’
‘What’s happened?’ I make a move towards the door, wanting to immediately go up and see her, but Matt shakes his head. My skin goes cold. ‘What? Tell me what’s wrong. Is she hurt?’
Matt puts a finger to his lips with a meaningful look up at the ceiling. ‘No, no, nothing like that. She’s upstairs, she’s fine. Well, not fine exactly.’
‘What is it then?’ I calm down a little and perch on one of the sofa arms, waiting for him to enlighten me.
‘Well, you were right about her mood. I went to pick them up from school and Charlie was his usual crazy, happy self, but Jess barely said two words to me. I tried to tease her out of it but that went down like a lead balloon. She gave me some serious shade, so I thought I’d leave her be until we got home.’
‘But did you find out what’s wrong?’
‘She went straight up to her room, so I brought her up a snack and sat on her bed. Took me a while to prise it out of her, but apparently Kate and Shaun’s daughter – I think her name’s Amy?’
I nod.
‘Yeah, well, this Amy was supposedly her new best friend, and now she won’t even talk to her. But Jess said she hasn’t done anything wrong and doesn’t know why Amy’s giving her the cold shoulder.’
My heart drops and I suddenly feel exhausted. ‘This is probably my fault.’
‘How can it be your fault?’
‘Kate probably told her to stay away from Jess.’
Matt frowns. ‘Why would she do that?’
‘You know – after dinner-gate on Saturday. Me asking about her daughter Bella and the both of them taking offence.’
‘Oh.’ Matt’s expression drops further. ‘Yeah, maybe. But more likely it’s just kids’ stuff. I mean, it’s not like Jess has never fallen out with any of her friends before. And it seems a bit of an extreme thing for Kate to do.’
‘I know. But it’s a bit coincidental that one minute Jess and Amy are the best of friends and then, straight after the weekend, Amy cuts Jess out. Plus, this morning, I saw Kate and she turned her back on me.’
Matt’s eyes widen. ‘What do you mean?’
I get to my feet and roll my shoulders back and forth, trying to loosen the kinks in my neck. ‘She was talking to some of the school mums and I caught her eye. I smiled and waved, but she blanked me. She actually turned away so she couldn’t see me any more.’
‘That’s awful! Are you sure she actually saw you though? Maybe it was just a coincidence that she moved at the same time you saw her.’
‘No, she definitely saw me. I caught her eye and her expression changed for a split second.’
‘What a cow. Sounds like you and Jess could both do with a hug.’
I step into his arms for a brief moment and then pull away. ‘I’ll go up and see her. Were you just with her now, before I came back?’
‘No. She said she wanted to be on her own, so I was helping Charlie with his maths homework.’
‘All right. I’ll go up and see how she’s doing before making tea.’
‘How was the dentist? Sorry, forgot to ask.’
‘The what? Oh, yeah. Fine. It was just a check-up.’ I hope he doesn’t notice the sudden warmth in my cheeks. I’ve never been a very good liar.
As I climb the stairs, I berate myself for chasing after Bella while Jess has been here feeling so awful. I should have been at home with her, listening and comforting her. But how can I choose between my two daughters? Just because Holly hasn’t been in my life for years, doesn’t mean she’s any less important to me. I really can’t shake the feeling that Bella is Holly. And I owe it to myself – and to her – to find out if it’s true.
19
‘Come on, guys, quick, quick, out of the car!’ I push my hair from my eyes as the wind whips it around my face, damp strands clinging to my skin like seaweed to a rock.
‘Mu-um, why can’t we just go home?’ Jess is giving me side-eye and being particularly grumpy.
‘Close the door and come on! The quicker we go, the quicker we can go back home.’
‘Fine.’ Jess slams her door with a scowl. I really must have words with her about her increasingly bad attitude, but I’m putting it down to all this nonsense with Amy. We spoke about it last night – admittedly not for long because Jess said it made her too upset to talk about it. Apparently Amy isn’t being mean, she’s just not being friendly. So I told Jess to give her some space and play with her other friends instead.
‘Here’s a brolly.’ I hand it to Jess and she perks up a little. She likes umbrellas for some reason.
‘Can I have a brolly?’ Charlie asks.
‘You can stand under mine,’ I reply.
‘Can I hold it?’
‘Sorry, Charlie, but you’re a bit too short. I’d have to walk on my knees to fit underneath it.’
‘I can stand on tiptoes.’
‘Aw, Charlie, you are funny sometimes.’
‘He can have mine,’ Jess says grudgingly.
I smile inwardly. She’s a good kid really. Jess hands her umbrella to Charlie and I beckon her closer to shelter with me.
‘Why are we here?’ Charlie asks.
I take his hand and try to be calm yet cheerful – hard to do, as I’m already soaked through and my heart is going like the clappers. I should have aborted this trip as soon as I saw the storm warning, but I just couldn’t bear to wait another day. ‘I told you, Charlie. We’re going to have a look at St Margaret’s Upper School, because Jess might be going there after she leaves middle school.’
‘I don’t want to go here.’ Jess crosses her arms over her chest and stomps along beside me, back to being grumpy again. ‘I want to go to Wareham Park Upper School like all my friends.’
‘You probably will go there, but it doesn’t hurt to take a look at St Margaret’s too. It’s got an outstanding OFSTED report.’
‘What’s an Office report?’ Charlie asks.
‘OFSTED, not office. It means it’s a really good school.’ I actually have no intention of sending Jess here, but I needed an excuse to come back to see Bella, and I couldn’t ask Matt to get off work early again. Plus, with the kids in tow it might be easier to talk to her.
I’ve parked halfway between school and the Morrises’ flat this time. That way, I could offer Bella a lift back home. I push down the voice that’s telling me I’m going way too far with this. Because that vo
ice isn’t taking into account that I have just as much of an obligation to take care of my eldest daughter as I do my other two children. When I finally prove that Bella is indeed Holly, my dubious actions won’t seem dubious any more. They will be the actions of a wronged mother determined to get her daughter back.
‘Mind that puddle,’ I warn.
‘Anyway, Mum’ – Jess ignores me, walking straight through the puddle, soaking her shoes and socks – ‘we don’t have to go to upper school for ages.’
‘It doesn’t hurt to be prepared. It’ll come around soon enough.’
She huffs but doesn’t protest about it any more. ‘My feet are wet.’
‘I told you to mind the puddle. Don’t worry, we won’t be here for long. You can dry off when we get home.’
As we keep walking, I have to keep telling myself that this is necessary. This is what anyone would do if they were in my situation. I’m not doing anything wrong; I’m simply making sure that my suspicions are correct. Thankfully, I don’t feel quite as conspicuous as I did yesterday; not now I have my children with me.
‘The upper school’s that way.’ Jess points to a huge sign pointing down one of the side roads.
‘That way’s for cars,’ I say, thinking on my feet. ‘There’s a quicker route by foot.’
‘Why didn’t we drive there?’ Jess asks.
‘It’s too busy round here at the moment. School pick-up time.’
‘So why didn’t we—’
‘Jess, please, can you just be quiet for a few minutes while I work out where we’re going?’
‘I thought you knew where you were going,’ she mutters under her breath.
The Other Daughter (ARC) Page 11