by Katie Tyler
Contents
Sections
Razbliuto
Reality check
Gravity
Piggesnye
Ineffable
I Wish I Held Virago
Undefined Literature
Who am I?
Abditory
Cut My Cord
Vorfreude
Cicatrize
Saudade
Unsatisfied Desire
What’s left unclear
Self-Destruction
Temerate
Beauty is in survival, not appearances
Shlimazl
Gracie chérie
Morosis
Free Falling
On the Outside Looking In
Lovers to Strangers
Joy
Gracie Chérie, Mon Poém Pour Toi
Ashtray
Subsiding
Adaptations
Simulacrum
Unknown Casualties
Unexplained Actuality
A Thousand Pieces of Me
Bliss
Letter to Myself….
divagate
Nonfiction
Aspiration
Ruth...
Happy Go Lucky
Thoughts
iridescent
Masked
Tell Me I'm Wrong
habromania
Blueberry delight
Downward Dog
Plaything
Saudade
Peripeteia
Open Wounds
Puppet
Addictions
Define Love
Companionless
desideratum
Meritless
Perjury
Too Many
Slithering encounters
Natsukashii
Clemency
Abhorrence
Planting petunias
Daymare
The Answer Remains Unknown
Seasons Change
Flaxen
La Douleur Exquise
I just want to be found by you
Logomachy
Novaturient
Insouciant
Filipendulous
Hey Good Lookin’
Visibility
backpfeifengesicht
Keeping My Own Head Above Water
Alexithymia
I Want My Sanity Back
Happy Endings Are Just a Myth
Anagapesis
I Owe You Nothing
Convivencia
Koyaanisqatsi
Conclusions
Displeasure
Orenda
Masked
Nodus Tollens
1:32 am thoughts
Dwaal
Metanoia
Liripoop
Thrown off Balance
Vexation
Opia
I Need Your Reply
Past
Sarang
Interactions
Erratic Thoughts
Arguments and Attributes
Frankly Honest
Imagery
Lightning Bugs
I Lied to Myself
Sehnsucht
Who? You
Kilig
The Soul Is a Drug
Elysian
Sciamachy
Dépaysement
Carnal Knowledge
Forelsket
Butterflies
Infatuation versus Love
Rapport
Kallie
Accismus
Atychiphobia
Tacenda
Meddling
Eglaf
Better Than Me
Skinny love
Recumbentibus
Lacuna
Why are we always running?
Telepathic
Exasperated
Thantophobia
Induratize
Galaxies
Philophobia
Sinful
Absquatulate
Agraphia in Person
Gigil
Tadhana
Nedovtipa
Loophole in Time
Mágoa
Yonderly
Verklempt
Tampo
Eleutheromania
Inquiry
In the End
Obscured
About The Author
After Everything Has Been Said and Done
Katie L. Tyler
Copyright © 2020 Katie L. Tyler
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 9781705379196
All rights reserved. No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without the written consent and permission of the publisher. This is a work of fiction. Characters, names, dialogues, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, whether living or dead, businesses, locales, or events other than those specifically cited are unintentional and purely coincidental or are used for the purpose of illustration only. The publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein. The author and publisher assume no responsibility or liability whatsoever on the behalf of any purchaser or reader of these materials. The publisher and author do not have any control over and do not assume any responsibility for third party websites or their content.
First edition.
Cover & Illustrations: Katie L. Tyler
Editing: Quelle Trought
Proof reading: Karla Lopez
To my Aunt Barbara,
thank you for always inspiring me to be who I wanted to be,
even from heaven.
I love you.
There’s a hole that’s deep inside of my chest
I question if it’ll ever go away,
but then I remember the memories
and I decide
I’d rather live with the giant, gaping hole
that’s slowly killing me,
than to have you erased from my mind completely.
k.l.
This is to the person who feels unloved. To the soul that aches for attention and wishes life wasn’t so lonely.
I am here. I feel you.
I am with you.
Sections
Razbliuto
Your true intentions finally came out;
you objectify women,
that’s all this is about.
I stay awake until 2
in the am that is
because your Snapchat enters my feed
and what happens, happens.
It’ll start with “what you doin,”
and end with “k, thanks.”
I want to stop this sick cycle,
but my heart is a complete psycho.
I thought you were different
but I was just a fool in love.
Don’t ask me for advice,
I suck at this stuff.
I cannot breathe when your name is mentioned
I’m suffocating with air
It’s almost as if this is fiction.
None of this makes sense
because you were supposed to be the one
hence all of this destruction,
it’s time to move on.
You were sweet while it lasted
remember that as she moans your name.
I’ll be the girl from your past
and from now on, your life will never be the same
k.l.
razbliuto: the se
ntimental feelings you have about
someone you once loved but no longer do
Reality check
He was never mine,
but losing him is breaking my heart.
k.l.
Gravity
I was always afraid of roller coasters.
Just the thought of going downhill at an unrealistic speed frightened the hell out of me.
But then I met you,
and you told me I would be safe with you as we went down the first roller coaster I had ever been on together.
I have to admit it was a blast,
but shortly after the ride was over,
I learned it had just started.
Bitter nights, abominable yelling, and a never-ending shatter of heartbreak were the after effects.
This roller-coaster was one I just couldn't seem to get off of.
Finally, it all ended when it took a turn that was too high for the both of us. As the metal came crashing down and pinned our bodies between the coasters remains and the earth's ground,
I questioned why I ever wanted to ride a roller-coaster in the first place.
k.l.
Piggesnye
Growing up,
I always wanted to be different.
I liked tulips and daisies,
sunflowers even.
Dandelions always put on a show and freesias painted the crowds in color.
I danced in orchids and saw the beauty in bleeding hearts.
It wasn’t until I got a taste in the idea of love that I saw the importance of roses.
Sadly, I can no longer say I seek to be different.
k.l.
piggesnye: someone who is pretty but not particularly bright.
Ineffable
I have this feeling
deep inside my chest
that I’m falling for a boy
that could care less about my existence
k.l.
ineffable: too great to be expressed in words
I Wish I Held Virago
Behind all of the makeup
is a damaged soul
struggling to survive.
No one notices,
or maybe they do
and they just don’t care.
He doesn’t care.
There’s a possibility that I’m so blinded
by the idea of him caring
that I cannot see when someone else does.
k.l.
virago: a strong, brave, or warlike woman
Undefined Literature
“I'm the book you always pick up
intending to finish,
yet you've never actually read a word of my story”
k.l.
Who am I?
I’m a girl
who radiates sadness.
I can’t help it.
I am broken
but I am okay.
I am weak
but I am healing.
I went down the wrong path
but now I am on a great one.
Yes, I radiate sadness,
but I radiate a beautiful ambition.
k.l.
Abditory
He’s a 5am bliss
caught somewhere in-between
my shaking legs
and unbearable insomnia.
Oddly enough,
I find myself seeking him
as a cure for both.
k.l.
abditory: a place into which you can disappear; a hiding place
Cut My Cord
You grow memories
with special people
and then when those special people leave
you’re left with a whole hell of a lot of special places
that you cannot go
all because of those special people
and the special strings they’ve left attached
k.l.
Vorfreude
I want less friction between my legs
and more vulnerability in my heart
k.l.
vorfreude: The intense, anticipative joy derived from imagining future pleasures.
Cicatrize
Find a guy
who isn’t afraid to take you out in public.
Let him shower you
with love and affection.
Make him prove to the world
that you are his
and that he is not intimidated by that.
When the night is said and done,
come home and tell me in detail how that feels
because in my 23 years on this planet,
I have yet to experience anything relatively close
and for some reason,
right now
all I wish
is to live vicariously through you
so that I can endure your pain.
k.l.
cicatrize: (with reference to a wound) heal by scar formation.
Saudade
A simple smile.
A flip of my hair.
The way your laugh made my heart forget
its main purpose: keeping me alive.
Your texts brightened my mornings,
and your calls helped me through some of my darkest nights.
We had such plans
but I had such fears.
You were perfect for me,
but I was nowhere near perfect for you.
In the end, we snapchat occasionally,
but everything that we had has led to nowhere.
I can’t tell if I’m disappointed
or if this was everything that I expected it to be.
k.l.
saudade: a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent
Unsatisfied Desire
I try to tell myself I don’t love you.
That I can look at you and not feel a single thing
but then I see the way your eyes hold a unique sparkle
and the way my name rolls off your tongue.
Suddenly, I’m done for
and I’m begging for your head to be in-between my legs.
I don’t think I can ever have enough of you
k.l.
What’s left unclear
I am in love with him
I don't know how,
I don't know why,
but I am in love with him.
Maybe it’s the way he breathes differently when he falls asleep next to me than he does when he’s awake.
It’s like he’s at this simplistic rest with nothing on his mind, and just laying beside me puts him in that safety zone.
Maybe I like that I have that sort of balance over somebody. It’s nice to feel needed.
Or maybe it’s because he never worries about anything too in-depth. To me, that in general is kind of soothing. With him, it’s kind of like being a newborn again. The world is a place around us with no problems and for once it feels like we can actually live. To be honest it might be just because when he holds me tight in his arms, I know he’s not going to let go.
He isn't like most.
He doesn’t see sex as the first agenda. He doesn’t get boners because a moan escapes my lips when I’m stretching. He doesn’t take my hopeless romantic stories too seriously because he knows one day we could create our own that will top anything I could ever create in my head. He doesn’t care that I can’t cook. He doesn’t think too much on it when he makes me mad and I threaten to never speak to him again. He doesn't come with countless drama, and he always encourages me to be the best that I could ever be without trying. He’s completely different from what I’m used to, and I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this way.
Maybe none of these things matter though because I don’t know what the future holds before us.
But I am in love with him.
I don’t know how,
I might know why,
But in this moment,
I am truly in love with him.
k.l.
Self-Destruction
Because of you, I take thousands of pictures.
Because of you, I don’t hesitate to listen to everyone’s favorite songs.
Because of you, I never take a single second for granted.
Because of you, I learned how to truly love.
k.l.
Self-Destruction: Suicide
Temerate
You called me last night. Your voice indicated you were definitely too drunk, and I indicated that I was definitely too naive and that I should have just hung up the phone, but then a part of me realized that I couldn’t do that to you.
You then proceeded to tell me that losing me was your biggest mistake and for a brief moment you made me feel as if I could put the past behind us and let you back into my life.
That somehow, we could be whole again.
But then 5am came and you fell asleep.
2pm and you forgot everything.
6pm rolled around and you realized you had called me.
By 9 pm you knew that I knew.