by Katie Tyler
My dog has this toy;
it’s a hedgehog.
This hedgehog is her absolute most favorite thing in the entire world.
At night, she sleeps with it in her mouth
and if it’s thundering, she finds it and brings it to me
before hiding it and herself under the covers.
Any time she hears the god awful noise it makes
or sees the worn-out fur in my hands,
she becomes the happiest puppy on the planet.
I’d like to think of you as my hedgehog
k.l.
Our love is like the love you hear about in the movies,
but you believe that something like that
could never happen to someone like you,
so you push it aside until something so marvelous is turned into something so hideous.
k.l.
Accismus
His eyes are hollow lights.
They shine, but not as bright as they used to.
He takes a little extra time to shower in the mornings
and I swear I barely see him.
He used to wrap his arms tight across my stomach
and inhale a deep scent of my hair.
Now, I’m lucky if I even get a goodnight kiss.
He has slipped away and I’m not sure I’ll be able to restore him,
or even if I want to.
k.l.
accismus: feigning disinterest in something while actually desiring it
Atychiphobia
I don’t like when we fight.
You ignore me,
I ignore you,
and our problems never get fixed.
One day we just start talking again
and suddenly forget why we were even fighting in the first place
Will we always be like this?
k.l.
atychiphobia: the fear of not being enough
Tacenda
I took your silence
as a parting goodbye
Little did I know
the masked tranquility between us
was actually the definition of two loving hearts
breaking in half
All because they thought the other person
didn’t love them anymore.
k.l.
tacenda: things better left unsaid; matters to be passed over in silence
Meddling
I knew there was a connection between us
and so did you,
but when other people start assuming and pressuring two people to admit feelings that they’re not even sure about yet,
everything that could’ve been beautiful
turns into something tragic.
k.l.
Eglaf
I miss you like the sun misses the moon.
We’re so close, yet so far away.
At dusk, we cry
and at dawn, we mourn.
What does it take to feel some type of joy anymore?
I thought we’d end up with our own galaxy,
but now we are just two different constellations
that appears to be near each other,
but in reality, we’re pushing far away from each other.
k.l.
eglaf: this word has no meaning and can be used in place for any word
Better Than Me
I keep telling myself that it's not you.
It cannot be you.
There's no way in this world that it is you.
You did the one thing that I asked you not to do;
You left.
You truly took my heart
and showed it what betrayal looked like once again.
You knew my past.
You knew how hard it was for me to trust you.
I will not blame it all on you though.
I know I was wrong in many faults as well,
but it was you whom decided she was prettier.
It was you whom chose not to give me 100% of you.
It was you who only picked me once she left.
I keep telling myself that it's not you.
It cannot be you.
There’s no way in this world that it is you,
but here I am
at 2pm, daydreaming and wishing that it is your arms
I will be falling asleep in tonight instead of his.
k.l.
Skinny love
Why are we stuck in this rut?
Why are we living off of seeing the other’s life through social media?
Why is it that every time I try reaching out to you so that we can fix this, you act like you don’t care when I know you truly do.
Why are we letting what could be the greatest love story in history be destroyed?
Is it because it’s so cliché?
Or is it because you’re afraid that I’m actually right?
I know with all of my heart that if you honestly gave me yours, this would be it.
We would be what the entire world is searching for.
k.l.
skinny love: When two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but will show it
Recumbentibus
As we laid in bed that night,
my arms wrapped tightly around your neck
and yours tightly around my waist
our greatest fears were brought to the surface
and we knew we couldn’t defeat them.
“I love you,” you said. “You know that right?”
I felt my face grow in frustration and my arms grip a little tighter.
“I know, but it’s doesn’t even matter”
k.l.
recumbentibus: the knockout or ending blow, physical or verbal
Lacuna
I took myself on a date today.
I woke up and realized that just because you left
doesn’t mean I have to left myself go as well.
I curled my hair
plucked my eyebrows
applied foundation
and even did a wing with my eyeliner.
Lastly, I threw away your favorite shade of lipstick
and replaced it with a new one.
It wasn’t until I got home tonight
that I realized I’m truly alone
and that even though I can live without you,
I honestly don’t want to.
k.l.
lacuna: an unfilled space or interval; a gap
Why are we always running?
You always expect me to chase after you when you walk away,
but I never see you chasing me.
k.l.
Telepathic
I should’ve known by the way you held me that night,
the way that you closed your eyes
and took in such a long breath laced with my scent,
the way you kept looking at me,
the way you kept trying to say something but continued to stop yourself,
the way that you said my name for the last time,
the way a single tear fell from your right eye as you pushed my hair behind my ear,
I should’ve known
I should’ve fucking known
k.l.
Exasperated
I am mad at you
I am mad with the way you let this end
I’m mad that you got to choose our ending and didn’t let me have a say
I am mad that despite our love being painfully destructive, it’s painfully beautiful
I am mad that we don’t work
I am mad because we are something so powerful and the world could use a force like us because as I’ve stated before, we are not one to be reckoned with
I am mad because this was our fairytale
Mostly, I am just mad because we don’t get a happy ending
k.l.
It feels like everything sutures itself back together every time I hug him
and the scariest part of that is now he’s leaving me and I don’t think I’
ll ever be whole again.
k.l.
Thantophobia
I find it cynical that
as our texts got shorter,
hers got longer.
We went from being constantly on the phone
to you sending me to voicemail
and never returning my calls.
The minutes that escalated between our snaps became infinite
and the day she told you she was yours
was the day you chose to no longer be mine.
Isn't it satirical how you constantly told me not to worry?
I honestly don't see what I was so afraid of.
k.l.
thantophobia: the phobia of losing someone you love
Induratize
I can say I miss you.
I can say I miss the unconditional laughter
you gave me every time I was down.
I can say I miss the way I thought
“this is it, this is the man God has sent down for me.”
I can say a lot of things actually,
but I cannot make you say you love me.
k.l.
induratize: to make one’s own heart hardened or resistant to someone’s pleas or advances, or to the idea of love
Galaxies
We were stars,
eclipsing binaries to be exact
I was close to you,
but you were so far away
soon, you decided to cut in front of me
and found a life that was better suited without me in it
I won’t forget you
I’ll always be behind you
and I don’t know if that’s terrifying
or completely comforting
k.l.
Philophobia
You protect me in ways that I cannot protect myself.
I thought my heart was scarred,
but I question how yours is still able to pump blood.
We are one in the same but two worlds apart however;
Your eyes shine brighter when you look at me.
The green pops in front of the brown.
My mind is scattered but not when it involves you.
God, how did I mess this up?
k.l.
philophobia: the fear of love or of becoming emotionally connected with another person
Sinful
I am cursed, but not forbidden
I am something you want, but you say you don’t need
I am something you desire out of pleasure, not pain, yet I am something so far fetched
that I am sometimes mistaken for love
I am easy to do, but hard to stop
I am the person that came to your mind
k.l.
Absquatulate
I know every time when you start talking to someone new
You ignore me
You end our streak
You stop liking my Instagram photos
and you stop watching my stories,
yet I never find you deleting me
You keep me as a backup,
for the nights when you’re alone
and seeking the comfort from another body
I used to love you,
and maybe I still do,
but you have to stop using that significant detail to your advantage,
or one day you’re going to have to become content
with the idea of sleeping with just yourself and your ego.
k.l.
absquatulate: leave abruptly
Agraphia in Person
I have never found a person worth fighting for,
therefore, I’m saying I don’t know how to fight
so, I’m asking what do I do?
Yell?
Scream?
Or should I drop to my knees?
k.l.
agraphia: writer’s block
Gigil
When you hug me from behind
and let your hands fall directly to my hips,
and bury your face in my hair,
I wait until I hear you take in a long inhale of my scent
before turning into you and whispering “I love you.”
k.l.
gigil: the urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearable cute
Tadhana
I cannot believe
I have been so naive.
The day you forgot my middle name
was the day that started all the pain.
You were supposed to be it.
You were supposed to be the one.
We went against every rule, every tradition, every obstacle.
We were against every greater odd.
I fought for you
and you fought for me
hard
I still cannot see
how we are not meant to be.
k.l.
tadhana: an invisible force that makes things happen beyond the control of mortals
fuck him
for doing everything he said he wasn’t going to do.
k.l.
Nedovtipa
Look what you have in front of you.
I am a million stars lighting up your sky
and if you can’t see that,
maybe it’s time for darkness to swallow you whole.
k.l.
nedovtipa: someone who cannot take a hint
Loophole in Time
You and I sat at that hotel bar
drunk off of our asses,
but laughing at the intoxication of each other’s love.
Please come back.
k.l.
Mágoa
You see him as a playboy,
a partier,
someone so carefree that he could never catch feels
but do you know he’s actually this huge nerd?
He watches Family Guy and plays board games in much of his free time. He doesn’t really even understand the concept of what Northgate is.
Do you know the stereotype you analyze him to be is pretty much a huge lie?
He doesn’t go out to clubs every night, and he definitely doesn’t have a different girl's tongue down his throat each day. He’s actually pretty conservative.
Do you know that the reason he’s so tired in the mornings is because he’s up till 4am playing fortnite? How do I know this? Because he’s normally up playing it with me.
Do you know he takes his lunch every night around the time he knows I get off of work so that he can call me and make sure I get to my car safely? And that he proceeds to wait on the phone to make sure I get home safe?
Do you know that he’s this really fucking good person that gives you his whole heart to love, even when you can’t find the strength to love yourself?
And do you know how bad it hurts that you can’t be enough for that really fucking amazing guy because no matter how much you try to avoid it, or push past it, self love is the key to any healthy relationship regardless of how much we say it’s not?
There’s this timer ticking because even though I see how genuine he is, I can’t expect someone like him to keep waiting around for someone like me.
You can keep thinking of him however you like, but I think you need to get to know him just a little bit better. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have.
k.l.
mágoa: a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions.
Yonderly
I was at work yesterday
and I was fine.
I didn’t think about you,
or how I miss you,
or the fact that I’ll probably never see you again.
That was until I grabbed the bin of hangers
and walked them to the back.
Once I opened those doors
and took in a realization
of every memory we’ve ever shared,
tons of them being in this very space,
a pain hit me in my right lung.
I felt lik
e I couldn’t breathe.
I love you.
I’ve always loved you,
and I can’t believe I always fucking denied it.
k.l.
yonderly: mentally or emotionally distant
Verklempt
I have never hugged a person like I’ve hugged you.
For the first time in a long time all of my pieces fit back together and I feel complete,
but sadly I’m aching for another hug
and I'm worried that without it, my existence may come crashing down.
It’s too bad I haven’t seen you in six months.
k.l.
verklempt: completely overcome with emotion
Tampo
I knew this day would come
because we were all of nothing
but also, all of one.
I ran to him
and hugged him tight.
I promise there were tears,
but we kept them only on the inside.
He pulled away
and wanted to speak,
but my mouth opened
as I beat him from saying “remember me.”
His smile faded
and my heartbeat picked up.
This was all just too much,
but then again, almost is never enough.
An ‘I love you’ was laced in his eyes.
It sucks this was actually our goodbye.
k.l.
tampo: the state of not being angry with someone but not being affectionate either